Post # 1
I left it up to my bridesmaids to pick their own dress. The only requirements I gave them was all black. Back in September all of the girls started looking and slowly but surely I’d get a call or something from one of them letting me know they had gotten their dress. None of my girls have a lot of money, most of them are unemployed students and one has two kids and no job. On Sunday I was texting with one of the bridesmaids (FH’s cousin) about why she didn’t come to my bachelorette party. I asked her about her dress and she said she didn’t have it yet. It’s three weeks before the wedding! I made sure she knew this and she told me it didn’t matter if she had her dress now or the day before as long as she had it…WHAT? I told her that’s not acceptable, that all the other girls have their dresses and she has had plenty of time. She told me she can’t buy a dress she can’t afford. I don’t think that’s an excuse, because like I said before none of my girls have money. She also has had since Septemeber to save money/buy a dress or whatever. I gave her until Saturday (which will be 2 weeks until the wedding).
What should I do come Saturday? It’s 2 weeks until the wedding and she still doesn’t have her dress. I have someone who could replace her if I decide that what I want to do. This bridesmaid also did not come to any of the bridesmaid meetings and threw a fit when she ‘had’ to do a game at my bridal shower. I hate to replace her this late in the game (and she’s his cousin) but I feel like she hasn’t given me a choice. I feel like I can’t trust that she’ll have a dress or even show up to the wedding.
Post # 3
hmmm…do you think she’s passive aggressively trying to get you to replace her? if the dress were the only issue, i wouldn’t be too worried, but to me it sounds like she’s trying to get out of the wedding without actually saying so (mainly because she has avoided what sounds like every wedding related activity to date).
if the dress is really what you are concerned about though, you could still be ok! there are lots of options for black dresses. j crew has fast shipping options and usually has a few dresses on sale. banana republic had a huge dress sale last week and there are still a good number of sale options available. black house white market is also an inexpensive option. if you know her size and wouldn’t mind asking around, you could probably borrow a black dress from someone for her.
and if it makes you feel any better, i’m getting married next weekend and gave my bridesmaids the same "choose your own dress" option. some of them bought dresses a year ago, but two just got them last week…i was getting a little nervous but it all worked out and they are beautiful! you’ve still got time!
Post # 4
Honestly, if it were me and I was given a "wear any black dress" option, I probably wouldn’t buy one way in advance either. Black dresses are super easy to find in a variety of price ranges, she’s probably just a procrastinator. If you feel like it really is a larger problem of her just not wanting to be very involved, maybe you need to have a talk and give her an out, and maybe she’ll choose to take it. Do’nt let it stress you out too much, everything will be fine!
Post # 5
I wouldn’t replace her, but if she says she can’t afford it, tell her that the two of you are going to Forever 21 (or equivalent store) and picking out an LBD there. $25. Easy.
Post # 6
Word. I agree about the timing. If you let them choose, you really have to let them choose, in my opinion. Then again, my MOH was busy planning my shower and bachelorette, which is WHY she hadn’t gotten her dress until last week (and the wedding is month today!). I wouldn’t replace her over all this, because ultimately the person you could potentially replace her with wasn’t involved in all the bridesmaid activities either. If she doesn’t have a dress by the week of the wedding, I’d say kick her out, but don’t replace her, just leave her out. West Coast Groom has a friend who is always broke who pulls the same kind of crap, and he’s basically just decided that if that guy can’t afford to buy his suit, then he just won’t be part of the wedding party.
Post # 7
Consider having someone bring along an "extra" black dress just in case she gets all kinds of flaky. I’m one of those anti-procrastinators, so I would have bought mine early in advance….on sale….buuuuuut if she hasn’t bought it a week in advance, I would legitimately be flipping out.
If money is an issue, tell her to get on Ebay. I just bought a handful of white dresses to wear to various showers and whatnot for $17 to $32. I think $32 is a cheap dress and if she can’t afford that, well….I dunno. Good luck!
Post # 8
Reading between the lines, and especially her remark she "can’t buy a dress she can’t afford" she sounds resentful that she has to buy a dress. I wouldn’t say another word to her about it-and dont replace her because asking someone to be a replacement bridesmaid might be insulting. if she doesn’t get a dress, she’s not in the wedding.
I wouldn’t make a big deal about -not that it ISNT a big deal, but I think she’s mad that she has to buy a dress and wants you to feel guilty. You have other things to worry about, and if she doesn’t think it’s an honor to be asked to be part of your wedding day then it isn’t worth the headache. Black dresses are easy to come by, she could borrow one, or really I don’t know any girls who don’t already own a million black dresses so why is she making this difficult? A nice friend would say " Listen I am strapped for cash, do you have any suggestions blah blah blah" and not a snotty remark" I can’t get a dress I can’t afford!" not worth it to you.
Post # 9
I don’t think you can tell her that she has to have it by Saturday. She is right, she has to have it the day of the wedding. Maybe she gets paid the week before or the day before? If you leave it up to her to pick, you must leave it up to her to buy it.
Post # 10
Whew. I read the title of this post and started to worry. Any black dress? No problem. Something special ordered from a bridal store? Then I’d worry.
Perhaps she feels bad because she knows her dress will be inexpensive and she wants to look nice at the wedding. Perhaps she was embarrassed because she had no money to spend at the bachelorette party, so just didn’t attend. Have you talked with her about her money concerns? Let her know that she’s the important factor here, not the label on her dress or whether or not she could buy a round of drinks.
A friend had a similar problem when one of her MOH was embarassed to admit that she was too large to fit in the bridesmaid dress. Instead of admitting this to her best friend, she just stopped calling and emailing and became really distant, causing both wedding and friendship problems. The bride was stuck thinking, "what did I do wrong?"
Also, let’s be honest — who doesn’t groan a little (or a lot) when they find out they have to play a shower game? 🙂 Maybe she’s just been to one shower too many. 🙂
It will be fine. She’ll find a black dress and all will be lovely. I’ve waited until the week before the wedding to find silver bridesmaid shoes and had no problem–a black dress should be easy to find. One wedding I was in picked up her bridesmaid dress the morning of the wedding! (she lived out of town but the bridal shop was local–and she was young and didn’t think to get it shipped to her…) And everything was fine.