Post # 1
My bachelorette party was last Saturday, and so was fiancé’s. I had a really hard time with the whole bachelor party thing because strippers and strip clubs bother me a lot. I know a lot of people are ok with that, but I’m not. I had told fiancé about it because I was so anxious about his bachelor party. His friends are into going to strip clubs…none of them are in relationships (except one who is married, but he likes going to them…which whatever, if his wife is ok with it then whatever…) so I was really having anxiety about the bachelor party. His best man emailed me a while back in the beginning of the summer and told me he was planning the bachelor partthins was thinking of having it in Montreal. I told him I didn’t want him to have it there, and then I said I’d appreciate it if he didn’t plan anything with strip clubs or strippers. I got no reply from him until the day before the bachelor party. He told me they were going out to dinner then going bar hopping. I still didn’t really trust his friends so I made fiancé promise me he wouldn’t go to a strip club have sang strippers at his bachelor party. He promised me he wouldn’t do anything to make me mad so I felt better. We both went out to our bachelor and bachelorette parties plastic Saturday and on Sunday I asked him what they did. He swore up and down that they went to dinner and went to a club afterwards. I still had a bad feeling about it so yesterday I looked at the chat in his computer. Now I know that I shouldn’t have done it but I just wanted to see if that’s all they really did. I found a chat with his best man on Monday, asking how Sunday went. Fiancé said that I asked him questions but he told me ago stop so I stopped. He then went on to thank his best man for Saturday night, for getting them a table at the strip club and for everything else. His friend asked him about a girl at the end of the night, apparently FI walked her to Duane reade to buy cigarettes and FI said he wasn’t sure if she was hitting on him or if she felt jilted. Told his friend nothing happened, he just wanted to see what the intentions were. Then he went on to thank him for the 3 lap dances that his friends bought for him and for this girl Jeannie. wtf?!
So I confronted FI again yesterday, asking him to tell me the truth about what they did last Saturday. Twice he told me they went to dinner and a club. So I showed him the print out of the chat and asked him to explain that. He couldn’t say anything. So then he was upset that I looked into his chat (I know, I know that I was wrong to do that) but I was so upset that he promised me something, broke the promise, then lied to my face about it several times. our wedding Is in 3 weeks. I don’t think I can do it. I’m so hurt that he chose to please his friends instead of not doing something that he knew bothered me so much. I just don’t know what to do now. Our final payment for the reception is due next weekend. All our vendors are paid off. I don’t know how to tell my parents…an I don’t want to tell people the reason why we’re not going through with it. I know I have trust issues but I actually didn’t think he would break his promise to me. I was hoping to look in his chat and not find anything.
and before anyone chews me out on looking at his chat, and how I should trust him, I know. I was cheated on in the past and so it made me a little paranoid. I already feel like crap for all of this.
I just needed to vent. I don’t know how to go about this whole thing now. I feel so lost and I feel so hurt that he lied to me.
Post # 3
These kind of posts stink…It sucks that he lied to you about it. But it also sucks that you felt the need to look through his stuff. You don’t trust him, but he lied to you. I’d say neither of you are ready to get married. I would postpone. I talked to my DH about what he thought about this situation.
I told him that I have a huge problem with strip clubs and he asked me why because they aren’t any different than porn. I gave him my reasons and although he doesn’t fully understand them, I think he respects me enough to not go there, or at least to be honest that he did.
The fact that you couldn’t trust him enough to accept his story (even if it was proved a lie) tells me that you should work on your trust issues. The fact that he couldn’t respect your wishes, or tell you the truth and accept the consequences (like a grownup) tells me that he isn’t ready to commit himself to you and respect you as his wife. I think you have a right to change your mind up to the moment you say “I do”, but that does not include acting at your bachelor(ette) party like you are single.
Post # 4
@fvsoccer: thank you for your reply. I know that I have to work on my trust issues. i was with my last ex for 8 years and he cheated on me. After that I was never the same. I know my fiancé isn’t my ex but its so hard to completely trust someone after being hurt like that. My fiancé is a wonderful, wonderful man. It’s just that he was in a fraternity in college, and while he outgrew that his friends still act like they’re in their 20s and still in the fraternity. And FI never says no to them. That what makes me nervous about when he hangs out with them. Throw in a few drinks and the premise of a bachelor party…that just freaked me out. And what made me even more mad was that he said he offered to not have a bachelor party, but I didn’t want him to not have one. I just didn’t want him to go to a strip club or have anything to so with strippers. So he was kind of blaming me, saying none of this would have happened if he just didn’t have one. Hello you can have a bachelor party without doing any of that stuff.
Post # 5
@Michelleivy: I completely know what you mean. Recovering from that kind of thing is so, so hard. I’ve been cheated on and heartbroken, but overcoming that was the best thing. Sometimes, I feel soooo tempted to snoop on my DH, but having the self control not to is so hard, but it is something you have to acquire. Could it come back to bite you again? Absolutely, but is your behavior helping your relationship now? Does you SO feel like he can be honest with you and you won’t freak out and never forgive him?
Post # 6
I guess you should ask what bothers you more? The strippers? The lie? Your pride?
If you have trust issues, especially with your fiance, you should not be getting into a marraige.
Before you commit to someone else, you should really look at yourself and your trust issues. When you get married, you vow to trust that person and be there for him no matter what. If this jolts you, you definitely need to get counseling on your own and then maybe together later. Marriage doesn’t get easier from here. The beginning is the easiest part. You basically are signing up for an eternity of anxiety because you’ll never trust him or know if he’s lying to you.
Help yourself before you commit your life to being one with another.
Besides, cutting it off now is definitely cheaper than going through with it and adding the divorce on top of it all later.
I’m sorry this is happening. You’re not alone though. I’ve had many friends in similar situations.
Weddings get canceled. Life goes on.
(ps, I’m in no way a professional giving advice. This is just how I see it)
Post # 7
Oh I really feel bad for your situation. I dont think people are right if they chew you out for checking his chat, I would probably have done the same because I am also not okay with having strippers at a bachelor party, I know some people are okay with that and that is their own choice and I am fine with that, however I would be very upset to know my fiance had some naked girl dancing around him, it just disgusts me.
It really sucks that he wasnt honest about the situation. Have you told him you are considering cancelling your wedding? Maybe his reaction will tell you what you need to know. If his reaction is to beg you for forgiveness and to continue your plans for the wedding then I would believe he truly loves you and is sorry for his actions, cause we all know that most men crack under pressure from their friends in those situations. If he trys to turn the situation around and blame you for reading his chat, then he may unfortunately be not worth marrying. Marriage definetely involves trust, and if you feel like your trust is broken and he cant even say sorry then he may not be worth all the money you are spending into marrying him.
Maybe a family member would be better to talk to in your situation. I really hope for your sake you and your fiance can get through this bump in the road and have a happy wedding and marriage. I hope he begs you for forgiveness and treats you with respect! Best wishes. Sorry If I am not much help. But I wanted to try 🙂
Post # 8
Wow, that’s awful. I’m sorry you are going through this now when this should be a fun, exciting time.
It was very wrong for you to look through his chat, but I get the whole womens intuition thing. You wouldn’t have done that unless you felt that something was wrong. It was awful for him to lie to about it, too.
It doesn’t sound as though you 2 are ready for a life-long commitment. I would postpone but I know how difficult that is.
Have you talk to him about this? Or are you not speaking to him? Maybe you 2 need to have a serious conversation and find out what to do from there.
Good luck hun!
Post # 9
@Michelleivy: I’m sorry, but I personally think you’ll be doing him a big favor by not getting married. I’ve tried to write this sentence a lot of ways without sounding attacking to someone I don’t know, but I just can’t: you are not ready to get married. You have deeper issues about being in a trusting, loving relationship than he does.
Yes, he should not have lied to you. But I’m finding it hard to see it from your perspective that he shouldn’t have gone to a strip club in the first place. Communication is key in a relationship, but just by your post alone, it seems as if you didn’t even want to communicate about it. “I don’t like strip clubs, so don’t go to one.” Seems to be the edict you decreed.
Should he have discussed it with you? Explained that it was something he wanted to do and it has no bearing on your relationship? Absolutely (after all, he chose to mary you, not a stripper). But it seems as if discussing it with you was a non-starter. So what’s the point?
By no means am I an expert on relationships. My fiancee and I have our problems, for sure. But I don’t believe being non-communicative is any way to start a life together.
In my mind, the problem didn’t start when he went to a strip club and you caught him. The problem started when you didn’t even want to communicate and just made a demand. It doesn’t seem that there is any open-mindedness, any willingness to understand his point of view. It seems like there’s no two-way street. And that, to me, tells me you’re not ready to get married.
I’m sorry. I don’t know you. And I don’t know your relationship. But if you wanted a response based on your post, that’s what I got.
Post # 10
@JackiBean: I actually went to counseling when my ex and I broke up after he cheated on me, and I think that’s what helped me to get out of my depression. I called the therapist today and asked if I could make an appt with her ASAP.
Post # 11
@Avondale: thank you for your reply. And I do think that I communicated with him. If he told me that he didn’t want me doing something, put of respect for him I wouldn’t do it. Period. Is going to a strip club for his bachelor party so important that he should just disregard my feelings, even when I asked him not to? He AGREED and PROMISED me that he wouldn’t go. ita one thing if didn’t make that promise to me but he did and he broke it.
Post # 12
I’m sorry your upset, it’s unfortunate this had to happen. But don’t call it off over something like this…..you love this guy, you wanted to marry him, did you expect 50 years of perfection? He had a bachelor party, went to a strip club, you didn’t want him to, he knew that, and did it anyway, his motives are something he should explain, and lying is never ok, neither is allowing the person you love to pay freight on your problems. If you have trust issues and admit that your well on your way to eliminating the anxiety they cause, if you and FI can meet halfway on stuff like this, where he can do things and you can trust him, your ahead of the curve….don’t give up on this marriage, they all have issues.
Post # 13
Wow, I’m so sorry you’re in this position. I don’t agree with Avondale necessarily — or at least I don’t think your focus should be on doing a favor for your FI. I do think at this point you would both be better off if you don’t get married. I don’t think you should feel guilty for having trust issues. If you never trusted your FI to leave the house and constantly checked his chat and email and never found any evidence of dishonesty on his part, THAT would concern me. But you trusted your intuition (which is important! especially for women!) and DID find evidence that backed up the feelings you were having. So, to me, I’d suggest that (for now at least) you set aside the “checking his chat” aspect of this situation. It is NOT the most important thing.
I’m really going to urge you strongly to cancel this wedding. This is not the way to go into a successful, happy marriage. Marriage is hard ENOUGH without the addition of having serious doubts and serious infidelity three weeks before the wedding. I honestly think you’re going to regret it if you marry this man.
Post # 14
@Michelleivy: In response to Avondale’s comment, does your FI know that you were cheated on by your ex? If so, he should realize why you would not want him to go.
Once you are cheated on, it takes a VERY LONG TIME to get over that, regardless if you are in a healthy relationship with someone new or not. I was cheated on by my ex and my husband understands how insecure I used to be. I’m not any longer and I actually urged him to go to a strip club for him Bachelor party but strippers really gross him out so he just went bar hopping. But my point is that if he knows of your past and insecurities, he should have respected that no matter what.
Post # 15
He lied to you about what he was doing with other women. I wouldn’t marry him, not even close.
Post # 16
I am not condoning his lying, but he perhaps anticipated your reaction and was wanting to protect you. The message does not indicate any infidelity, from my understanding.
I get that being cheated on makes you a little paranoid, heck, I have had two significant relationships end (one of them a 6 year relationship) due to cheating. I have never, however, snooped through my husbands stuff. So being cheated on does not necessarily rationalise that what you did was ok.
I think you both need to have a rational chat. Maybe this needs to be with an independant third party to mediate. (Counselling) I also think you may need to accept that your snooping is likely as painful for him as him lying to you is for you.
Postpone the wedding if you need to.