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Oh man I'm sorry to hear you're going through this! I say don't cancel everything if you guys love eachother. It's just a tough time to work through. That's rude of your FSIL but ignore her. This wedding is a time for you and your FI and you've waited five years to get to this point. Perhaps your FSIl is just trying to do everything at once because she's jealous that you and your FI found eachother years ago and have waited before getting married while she became pregnant less than a year after meeting the guy. I'm so sorry to hear about your infertility issues...I hear stress makes it harder but stay strong! I understand the no one wants to listen part. I wish I had more advice other than get married on your upcoming date. It will be a celebration of your love and lifelong commitment. I hope things get better for you!
P.S. I don't know how you feel about it but there is always adoption. I'm going to keep my fingers crossed for you!
Have you considered couselling? When I was having some family issues and really needed to talk to someone I went to a walk-in counselling session. The woman was extremely helpful and let me talk through some issues. I felt like I came out of it with a better understanding of how I felt about the situation and what direction I wanted to take it in.
I know a lot of people avoid this route because of the costs involved, but I found a local community centre and they charged me on a sliding scale, which ended up being really affordable.
Something to think about! Good luck!
I think there are so many issues going on that you're just stressed and depressed. I think everyone can understand jealousy issues. My fiance's closest female friend got proposed to before us and they'd never even talked about marriage. Her fiance knew mine was proposing the next day and kinda stole our thunder. I spent the whole night being jealous and then the next day got my proposal and it didn't matter as much anymore. I say all that just to say we all deal with our issues. Don't you think part of the FSIL's motive to get married in the courthouse right before you is jealousy? I mean, I know it's not the 1950's anymore or anything but I'd think most people want the wedding they plan and not the courthouse wedding with a baby on the way. Your FMIL is celebrating her daughter's pregnancy...it's different than her son's wedding. It's a terrible double-standard but they are two totally separate things. I say hang in there, try to do some things to pamper yourself and relax (I suffer from eczema when I get stressed...I hear ya!). Your big day will be so special and you get to be at the center of it all and that's something no one can take away from you. I'm sure underneath it all is the fertility issues. Those can be SO hard especially when you are going to have it in your face so much with your FSIL having a baby on the way. I think you should take some time to reflect on the things you love about your fiance and the positive things in your life (maybe make a list or something) to help ground yourself and get back to the postivity you felt when you first got engaged.
Hang in there!!!
Ok, LOTS of deep breaths first! I read and commented on your previous post, so I do know a little of your FSIL's history with you.
My thought is that you have to completely push her out of your mind. YOU are getting married, and you've been planning this beautiful wedding for some time now. She's pregnant and trying to steal your thunder by getting married before her. Let her do what she wants! She's out of your lives and she's not coming to your wedding. I know it's very hard to forget about what she's doing to you, but she's doing this to spite you. For all you know, she could end up not going through with it and you're stressing over nothing.
As for your FMIL, it's always different when it's your own daughter. I know it's an awful double standard like clane616 said, but unfortunately, it's the way it is. My mom has always said that to me...that it's different when my brother got married vs. when I got married b/c I'm her daughter. The fact that her daughter is pregnant, I'm sure your FMIL is overjoyed by getting a grandchild from her. Again, you just need to push this out of your mind and focus on the best thing in the world - your FI! Your going to be your FI's wife in 3 weeks! That's definitely something you can focus on! Who cares what's going on around you! Let everyone else have their glory...you will have your FI, and that's the most important thing that's coming out of your wedding.
Are you having a honeymoon after this? If not, maybe you can plan a little minimoon so that you can just get away from your FSIL's drama for a bit. Enjoy each other, that's what your wedding is about.
Good luck, and please don't cancel! You love your FI and you're going to be married soon! It's wonderful!
P.S. I forgot to comment about the infertility issues. I'm terribly sorry about that, and I hope that you can work those out. If not, adoption is always an option. I know it's not nearly the same as having your own biological child, but you would be giving a needy child a wonderful and loving home. You have so much to offer, and good things WILL come your way soon. Keep your chin up and good things will happen.
I've tried the counseling and somehow it just made things worse. I started to severly resent my fiance shortly after starting that. I know she's just celebrating it but It doesn't make it any easier considering just a few short weeks ago she was VERY upset as she's very religious. Also I guess when she called everyone to let them know of the date she also told everyone about her that didn't help either. so yea she stole quite a bit of our spotlight announcing her pregnancy shortly after we announced the date of our wedding. I'm still young but it makes it that much harder considering she did drugs, alcohol, smoking just about everything. when I haven't done ANY of that and still just can't seem to have at least ONE. As soon as the wedding is over she's going to focous 100% on her. I'm going to be ignored once again. She talks to me about her on a daily basis even though I have told her I don't want to hear about it please. they all think I'm being childish and stupid about this all
We have been to adoption agencies and they all say the same thing. We don't qualify. (how that is I don't know. we're fianancally stable, staedy jobs, and we would be perfect parents one day)
I have a bridal shower this weekend and again next weekend and I don't want to be down in the dumps and have people asking me what's wrong. I'm trying to hang in there but I don't know how long that's going to last. Funny thing is when my fiance gets home from work I'm good again
Thanks everyone
2peasinapod- We are having a mini honeymoon 2 days after and then a week later we're going to Mall of America for 4 days I think it was. this will be our 2nd vacation in 5 years (kinda sad actually) It's hard when she talks about nothing besides her daughter with me when she knows how hurt I am. Lately it's like in one ear and out the other. I just have to sit and take it I guess. I'm not looking forward to this weekend though. usually she always finds a way to get into any conversation if she's there or not
@midnight20090, from your other post it's apparent how much your soon to be SIL bothers you. that must be extraordinarily uncomfortable knowing that she dislikes you so much but not knowing why or what you can work on to make things better. I would try to look at the situation from a different perspective - she's a young woman who just got pregnant out of wedlock and is now having a rushed civil ceremony when her brother is soon having a full-blown wedding to a woman he's been in a stable relationship with for years (you!). I also think there's a little bit of mixing up between your feelings about your fertility and her being pregnant - these are two SEPARATE issues. It would be pretty incredible if she did choose to bring a life into the world (a "decision"[?] that made her so upset she was in tears) just to spite you. Is she even aware of your potential fertility difficulties?
Finally, I would give counseling a second shot. Going the first time didn't cause those feelings of resentment, it just allowed them to bubble up to the surface. Trust me, they're still there. Therapy would be a great place to talk about that without feeling judged or like it'll get back to your MIL. Good luck.
@cinnamon roll- I didn't look at this like that. thank you for that. It did help ease the resentment. Yes she is fully aware of fertility issues. I'm sure if his mom had the chance to announce it to the world she would. (Seriously.....all family knew about it within 24 hours!)
I will look into therapy again. I know the pastor at my church has told me he is here if I need help or just need someone to talk to.
But we decided that next year we're going to look into maybe hosting an exchange student. I always wanted to do that but was never able to. AND I may be getting my pug puppy at the end of this year! YAY! he fianlly caved after 4 years of bugging him LOL. so I feel a little better
im so sorry to hear you are so down, this should be such a happy time!! cinnamon roll had some great advice...i know its ahrd not to be jealous since you are wanting a baby so bad, but think of the circumstances and why they are rushing this wedding...would you ever trade your wedding for a civil ceremony at a courthouse? u are planning your perfect wedding, dont let her ruin it for you.
i know its hard, but try to remember about all the family and friends coming to your wedding who could care less that she is pregnant and getting married! you are the only bride to them! by fiance reminds me of that when it starts to bother me that his sister is getting married 4 months after us and its this big event cuz its in another state. when i hear people talking about it i start to get down...and then i do like he said and think of my parents, my family, my friends, all the people who will be there at my wedding and so happy for me. try to spend more time with the people who are truly there for you and make you feel better, talk to them more. and avoid talking about her and her baby/wedding. things will work out the way they were meant to for you, all in time. take it day by day and trust that everything will get better. good luck, and i hope you feel better soon!
I'm sorry about all the difficulties midnight but it seems like stress is getting you down. I would try to limit your conversation with your FMIL as much as possible.
On a side note, two bridal showers! I'm not having even one, no one brought it up which is fine and everyone's been great about other stuff but hey it's pretty cool that two different shower events are being planned for you! Not everyone has someone who wants to do that for them. And there'll be presents. :)
I am sorry that you are stressed out. But please remember, the wedding is a celebration of you and your fiancé. Stop worrying about other people stressing you out or appearing to take away from your day. Enjoy yours in peace and quiet.
Sorry to hear you are facing such troubles in the midst of what is supposed to be the one of the happiest days of your life. Your FSIL sounds very inconsiderate but one of the other posters commented about her having a simple civil ceremony to someone she doesn't really know while you two are having a full-blown ceremony. Sure looks like jealousy but it's very apparent. Also, from her point of you, while you envy her for being pregnant, she likely envies you for having the stability and a fiance who loves her whereas she is pregnant out of wedlock and probably feels insecure. One of my friends is going through a similar situation, she's pregnant by someone she has only been dating a short time and talking marriage because she feels she has to because she's pregnant and insecure.
Either way.... What really stuck out in your post was the part where you replied about how everything is always fine when he gets home. It's fine because he is your strength when you need him to be. He picks you up and makes you feel like these other things don't matter as much. That is what love (and marriage) is all about.
Fertility. So sorry that your FMIL basically put it on the 6 o'clock news. My Fi's best friends are married and just went through a similiar situation. Happily married, steady income, she even owns her own business... They had several failed attempts at invitro and it really took a toll. She was patient (several years patient) and is now due in Aug. with twins. When it's meant to happen it will... even if it takes a really long time. They waited several years. Best of luck and baby dust your way!!!!!!!
midnight20090, I think it's great that you are considering hosting an exchange student. What a wonderful opportunity you will give to someone living away from their family. From what I have read about you, you have a huge heart and will be able to comfort them when they are feeling lonely. :) And a puppy? Oh, what a joy!
How you feeling? Did you talk to your pastor? Everyone needs an un-biased listening ear once in a while and I think your pastor is a great person to fill that position. It would be a shame if you didn't go through with the wedding. It sounds like you and your FI have a rock solid relationship. Go ahead and make it official; be the Mrs that you have always wanted to be.
As for your FSIL, I totally agree with the other posts. She is jealous and unfortunatley, she isn't handeling this like an adult. I'm sorry that she has made you feel the way that you do but try not to let her get to you. If she sees that she is getting under your skin, it will only add fuel to the fire. Keep your chin up.
Goodluck. You are going to be a stunning bride (on the outside and in).
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I really don't want to come on here like this and just complain but NOBODY understands or they call the FMIL and tell her what I emailed them when I need some help.
Anyone ever have any second thoughts just weeks before their wedding? On another of my posts I was having trouble with the FSIL (has not gotten better by the way) I'm so stressed I have a red itchy rash forming on my arms and neck, depresesd and upset at the same time. Found out the FSIL is thinkiing of getting married at the courthouse next week when they come back from their camping trip in Virgina. If that wasn't enough she's also pregnant so she gets to kill two birds with one stone so to speak, when my fiance and I have waited 5 years to just get married. It's not enough she gets to do the baby thing and the marraige BEFORE us?? I at least wanted the wedding before them. Maybe I am bitter and a bit jealous but I mean come on! they have been together less then a YEAR!
And yesterday to make things worse his mom came back with a huge bag of baby shower decorations for her when I get a small basket with just bridal shower favors in there and that's it. I'm really considering just canceling everything and leaving at this point. I love him to death but I've wanted a baby for a few years now and we're going through infertility issues as well. pets can't make up for it I keep telling him.
Sorry I needed to vent since no one else will listen. Any advice would be appreciated