Post # 1
I am just recently engaged and I am kinda confused. I just need any advice I can get… My FI tells me he wants to wait 2-3 years before we are married. I really do not want to wait that long. I believe we are better together. And he wants me to wait on him when he is ready to get married. I am really kinda down because I want to be happily engaged and start the planning process, but it’s hard to plan something that is so far away. Is it wrong that I don’t want to wait that long? I don’t want to rush him into anything though. I am just so confused and he is tired of not understanding where I am coming from… Am I the only one that feels this way? I would apprecaite any and all advice please!
Post # 3
I don’t think you’re wrong to not want to wait–long engagements are very tough. However, I wouldn’t rush him, either. Does he want to wait to save up money? Did he give a reason?
Post # 4
Are you saying he doesn’t feel “ready” to get married now? I don’t mean to be blunt, but why did he propose? If he isn’t sure now, how does he know he’ll even be ready when 2-3 years pass and you’ve been waiting all that time. I’d push a bit and dig into his reasons and feelings behind this request and seriously question where things are going and then, and only then, decide if you’re willing to wait.
Post # 5
if he isn’t ready to get married, why did he propose? My engagement is 15 months and it’s longer than we wanted but it was to save up money. I can’t imagine a longer engagement. We have 10 months to go and I am ready for the wedding!
Post # 6
Well what is he waiting FOR?
3 years is a long way away, and it’s kind of random that he’s that specific about it. Is it tied to something in particular like finishing school?
How does he react to the idea of setting a date (even for 3 years away) or beginning to plan? Is he open to this and excited, or not so much?
It could be a little worrying, does he just mean “not any time soon lady” ? Why did he propose then? I think you’re well within your rights to be questioning this.
Not fair for him to “take you off the market” so to speak if he doesn’t intend to seal the deal anytime soon.
Post # 7
I agree, why did he propose if he wasn’t ready to get married?
Post # 8
I agree with a couple of previous posts… why propose if you’re not “ready” to be married? That makes no sense… I actually just had this discussion with a friend not long ago. Engagement shouldn’t be a way to put someone on “reserve” until you figure out whether or not you want to get married…
You need to find out what he means by not being “ready”… if it’s related to finances or finishing school or some other obligation that takes a lot of time, I can understand… but if he’s just not mentally or emotionally ready, he shouldn’t have proposed.
Post # 9
That is a little odd. Like others said, why propose if not ready to get married? We are going to wait a year and a half to get married, but that is because we wanna get married in spring/summer and I cannot plan a wedding in 5 months, so it makes sense to wait a year and a half. But 3 yrs? only if there is a valid reason!
Post # 10
Hope you get some answers soon since you both don’t agree on the time line.
Post # 11
I don’t understand why he asked you to marry him if he wasn’t ready to get married. That doesn’t make sense. Are you guys really young (ie 22 or under)? Did he feel pressure to propose?
Post # 12
i was wondering the same as the other girls: why did he propose if he isn’t ready? i wonder, too, if he felt pressure to propose?
Post # 13
I agree with all the PPs, your confusion is totally understandable. I’d be confused too if I were in your shoes.
Have you talked to him about this? What aspect of marriage isn’t he ready for? And why 2-3 years? What happens between now and then? What does he expect will change?
And what do you mean when you say “he’s tired of not understanding where I am coming from”? Tired of not understanding? Or tired of hearing about it from you? Is it possible that he felt pressured to propose?
@crayfish: Based on her only other WB post, he’s 8 years older… so while she could be very young, he’s probably not.
Post # 14
I agree. Finances is a toughie for some (especially in this economy). But if you both wouldn’t mind a small or low-key wedding then I wouldn’t know why he’d want to wait that long either.
Just to be fair though…a coworker of mine saved for her wedding since she was 16! I can’t even imagine saving 20K on my own right now!
Post # 15
are we gonna get a follow up from the OP?
Post # 16
My FI proposed recently, and we are planning on waiting three years to get married. We’re waiting until he finishes paying alimony to his ex-wife. Am I happy about this? Not particularly. However, one thing I’m working on in this relationship is recognizing there are two people in it, and I’m not always going to get my way. I actually talked to my therapist about the wait, and she emphasized it’s important that I find something positive for myself about the long wait. So we talked about it, and I came up with something.
I knew the proposal was coming, and I knew about the long wait before he asked. I really pondered if I wanted him to propose at all so soon; so I spent some time thinking about what an engagement is really about and what it means to me. To me engagement is about a promise to be married. And while I’m excited to start the wedding planning, engagements are about much more than that. I’m finding I’m taking the time to really ponder what marriage is and what it might be like. I think this is a luxury brides who start planning right away don’t have. They get wrapped up in the planning right away.
But like you, I”m feeling a bit down about not being able to tell people a date when they ask. (They started asking the day after the engagement!) Like others said, it’s important to figure out why he wants to wait so long. Make sure you’re comfortable with the reason.
Best of luck to you!