Post # 1
Hi there, I am new to this forum. Anyways, me and my boyfriend of 7 years are planning on getting engaged in the next few weeks. My 30th birthday was last night. My boyfriend is saving for an engagement ring so I told him not to buy me a birthday or Valentine’s day present. I have had a really hard time coming to terms with my 30th birthday, so yesterday was a little rough to begin with.
So, I get home after work last night to find my boyfriend had picked up the house and did laundry – which was really nice. He gave me a card, but that was about the end of it. I ended up cooking my own meal (he put on some pre-packaged meal and just left it ). I served myself my birthday desert (which was leftover icecream and pie I had gotten him for Valentine’s). And all night he was either watching tv, playing his videogame, or on the computer. He sat on the opposite end of the couch all night and didn’t even bother to hold me or cuddle. He pretty much ignored me all night when I was talking. And then he told me he was going to give me a neck rub, well that never happened. Anyway we got into a huge fight. I feel really neglected and hurt. The night of my 30th birthday (when I already wanted to cry) I just sat on my end of the coach watching tv or on the computer, whichever one he wasn’t doing. He barely talked to me or even listened when I was talking. What do you think? Am I being high maintenance? I’m not upset that he didn’t buy me anything. I just feel neglected, especially on a day when I needed extra attention because I was struggling. And it’s not like he didn’t know that I was having a hard time, we’ve talked about it for weeks. I asked him several times last night to come lay by me, and he didn’t.
Just a little background, my boyfriend is an amazing guy. We get along great, but he can be selfish (long backstory about the way he was raised). I am very giving and would rather give/get a gift with meaning than something materialistic.
Post # 3
I am so sorry. How disappointing. I hope you can find a way to celebrate your fabulous birthday. Maybe you can suggest something fun and inexpensive to celebrate over the weekend. A day at the beach, if you are close? A picnic or long walk at a nice park? A hike? A game night? I hope you end up loving 30!!
Post # 4
Why do you want to cry? because you are 30? I’m not writing this to be harsh, however I think you need to look at this birthday differently.
YOU ARE 30! THAT’S FABULOUS! a brand new chapter of your life is starting. You MADE it to 30 and (i’m assuming) have your health. I know you are upset that he didn’t do anything for your b-day but maybe talk to him and you can have a re-do this weekend.
Now start getting excited about your thirties! This is the year you will be engaged!! 🙂
Post # 5
So….let me get this straight.
You told him not to do anything special for your birthday….
….and now you are mad at him for not doing anything special for your birthday?
Guys can’t read our minds!! Disappointing as it is, it’s really unfair for you to be mad at him for something you asked him to do!
Post # 6
You may have been sending mixed messages. When you said you didn’t want him to purchase a gift, he may have heard ” I don’t want you to acknowledge this birthday as it is traumatic for me.”
Next time be clear about what you want/ need. ” I don’t want a gift, but I’d like us to cook dinner together and have some cuddle time on the couch.”
Post # 6
@crayfish: Telling him not to get her a gift doesn’t equate to her saying she doesn’t want to feel special on a milestone birthday.
It sounds like he just messed up, in typical guy fashion. I doubt he meant for it to make you feel bad. I hope you can move past this and focus on the wonderful things that are to come with an engagment, wedding, marriage, family(?), and new decade!
And happy birthday!
Post # 7
I feel ya. My 30th b’day is coming up in about a week and I am NOT happy about it at all. I told him that we were cancelling all birthdays from here on out. He wouldn’t give up the idea of doing something for it, so I booked a hotel for Mardi Gras this weekend. That way he’ll still get to do the “birthday trip” and I won’t actually have to deal with the birthday blues while on said trip.
I think the real reason I’m so unhappy about my birthday is that I’ve been really broody lately. I want a baby and I feel like at 30 my time is starting to run out. My rational side tells me that I’m being silly, but the irrational part of me is taking over. It so doesn’t help that my BFF is (unhappily) pregnant right now.
Post # 8
Guys turning 30 is nothing to be upset about! These last 3 years have been such a growth period for me. I feel like I am so much more confident & sure of who I am. I feel less need to ‘fit in’ and really just feel calmer.
That said, this guy missed the mark. Just because you didn’t want a big gift or night out doesn’t mean he shouldn’t try to make you feel special. In the end, some guys need explicit direction. Most just don’t realize how much many of us value these events. Next time tell him exactly what you want. He’ll catch on.
Happy birthday! It’s so much better than you think!
Post # 9
Thanks everyone for the feedback. It really helps to get another opinion. The good news is I’m definitely feeling better (and maybe a little excited) about turning 30.
But…I am still a little bitter about last night. The thing is I kept asking him to come sit by me, or if he wanted to play a game or do something, and he seriously ignored me. It wasn’t until I got mad that he actually paid any attention to me. I couldn’t care less about getting a present, but at least spend time with me and don’t ignore me on my birthday.
Hopefully we’ll work things out when I get home tonight. If only this day would go by faster!
Post # 10
@loribethers: when you are less upset, I’d ask him what was up with him ignoring your requests to sit by you. (Is that typical for him?) That would bug me and make me feel ignored. I think if you can talk about it, it will help in the long run (especially if you are soon to be engaged). He may have thought this was ‘home down time’ and that to him may mean different things to you (ie: you may want to sit, cuddle, and do nothing – where he may need more personal space).
I think the conversation could also be about what your expectations are for your b’day. I know that you think it should be second nature, but he needs to learn what that means for you. Some guys do this stuff naturally and for others, it’s a big learning curve.
Post # 12
@loribethers: Oh boy. I can see how that’s super disappointing and hurtful. I’m sorry you had such a crap birthday when it should be celebrated – especially turning 30! I understand you told him not to do anything special for your birthday, but I would at least expect to paid attention to! Hmph.
Post # 13
You are NOT being high maintenance, and I so feel your pain. This is exactly how my bf was, the one I had before I met Fiance. Nothing of mine ever seemed important…my 30th came and went with about as much fanfare as yours. I’m so sorry you had to experience this because it really hurts, especially if you’re like me in that you try to make his b-day special, etc.
Post # 14
I’ve explained to my boyfriend that he is really the only person in my life who can make me feel special on special occassions, like your birthday or Christmas. I’m 28 years old and my family all lives out of state. Most of my friends have moved away for careers or relationships. My family is really busy and my friends, when they are in town, can be really unreliable. If he doesn’t do anything special, if he can’t make me a priority, then no one will. And really, that is his job. Just like it’s my job to pull out all the stops on HIS birthday. I decorate, I make a cake, I try to organize a dinner with family and friends, I find surpise gifts for him — whatever I can do so that he feels ultra special at least one day out of the year. He knows I expect the same in return, especially for a milestone birthday like your 30th. Guys can be pretty dense, but I think of you explain things to him this way, it will make sense to him that while you may say, “oh let’s not make a big deal of this…” you really mean, “I’m really too old to be asking for special treatment, this is something you need to do on your own!”
Post # 15
You really need to “spell it out” for them…guys don’t pick up cues like we do. He was probably grateful to be ‘off the hook.”
My guy is the same way about special occassions. He’s just dense about it. He was never raised with birthdays and never received a gift from his parents, so it’s hard for him to understand how I feel.
It’s at the point where if I want any kind of celebration, I plan it myself.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! LOL