(Closed) 32 and Waiting…

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Oh poor thing.  I never felt the pressure to marry until 30 ticked around.  Then I started worrying too about being too wrinkly and having to use botox!  Sheesh, why do guys take so long?!  But by that time, I knew the guy I met was the right one, meaning we got along and were best friends and everything.  It just felt that it was natural to move on to the next step.  He wasn’t ready yet so I also started to become resentful by the day and like you, every single day seemed to hurt more. But pressure never helps, and seemed to only make it worse.  The only thing I could do was to step away from it.

I told myself, that I have to keep myself open to other guys.  So I tried to date around.  You know, it was odd, but there were lots of guys interested.  I just didn’t feel like they were the right one.  But yeah, it took a little while before my current guy came around and said he was ready.  It was everything about his personality that dragged it on for long.  He had to research the ring the way he did all his other purchases and that took nearly a year.  Don’t become resentful and don’t pressure.  Once that happens, it will be hard to feel in love and get married for the right reason.

The best advice I can give you is to have a serious but calm and mature conversation with him.  Ask him if he is just not ready.   If not, then go on and look around for someone else and make it clear to him that you will be dating other people.  If he decides that he is ready before you fall in love with someone else, great!  If not, you haven’t wasted your time on him. 

Be careful not to get obsessed.  Understand that if you do look for a new relationship, it will also take another year or so to get to know someone, but at least you are not wasting time on someone who might never be ready.

Good luck!  I’m sorry that you have to go through this. I hope the best will turn out for you.

 

Post # 4
Member
79 posts
Worker bee

I’m only 25 but I just wanted to put my two cents in.  I was engaged at 20 as well and had what you may call a REAL engagement.  It still didn’t work.  The proposal was great but is not a precursor for your engaged/marriage relationship.

Post # 5
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Hang in there!  I met my FI when I was 30, just got engaged at 33 and will be four weeks shy of 34 at the wedding.  My FI is 41.  He was never married, had been engaged once but she broke it off. 

We also bought a house together with the understanding that a ring would follow shortly there after.  MONTHS went by, my birthday, holidays…and nothing!  I finally talked to him about it.  We were engaged about six weeks later.

Have you read Mr’s Bee’s Three Step Plan?  I’ve seen a lot of girls on these boards reccomend it.  

Good luck.  Have faith!  If you want to get married, it will happen.  Believe me!  I spent many, many nights crying, thinking I would die alone.  It’s worth the wait for the right guy.  I promise!

Post # 6
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Wow lilybay, Mr’s Bee’s Three Step Plan is great!  I wished I had come onto weddingbee when I was going thru the waiting!  I’m sure it will be helpful to others in waiting, like my other girlfriends!  Us poor girls!  Thanks lilybay!

Post # 7
Member
3588 posts
Sugar bee

(((((rowdycowchick)))))

I’m 29 and have been with my SO the same amount of time. He told me a certain time when he would do it and I told him I am holding him to it. We had a real nitty gritty talk. That talk scared him a little.LOL

I say sit down and talk to him and tell him how you feel. Especially with having kids, if you want any that is.

I’ll give him the time limit he gave me, but nothing more.

Post # 8
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee

i know how u feel.  i really do! i am about to be 32 in july and have been with my bf almost 3 years.  i want to be married really bad as well and i was nagging the hell out of him.  and it was sooo counterproductive to our relationship.  i was pushing him away.  who the hell wants to spend eternity with a whiny pain in the ass??  lol.  aside from driving him nuts i was literally making myself sick!  obsessing, crying, thinking about it all the time!!  sick!!  so i dropped it.  no more nagging, begging, convincing, hinting.  nada,  i have told him, point blank, what i want for us.  he knows i love him and that he is the only one for me.  i know he loves me and my kids and that he wants to marry me.  he has said it many times.  he is not an idiot, a child, or oblivious.  me pounding it into his head is NOT going to make him hear my message any clearer….HE KNOWS…TRUST ME!!!  LOL  

i say this to u as one woman to another…back off.  i know it is hard but you have to!  i had to!  you will feel a lot better and will have some peace of mind.  

occupy ur time with something else and focus on you!!  that is what i did…i am taking a summer class and i am busier than ever.  

i am not being insensitve but i think u r doing yourself more harm by fixating like this.  i truly believe that if it is meant to be it will happen.  

i have an internal deadline that he doesn’t know about…u shouldn’t have to wait forever…that is RIDICULOUS.  only you know what your limit is.   and when u reach it, you will know what to do.

good luck!

Post # 9
Member
1280 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Poor dear. I believe this man does really want to marry you. He seems like he might even have something cooking…but heavens to besty it troubles me that HE set his own deadline and missed it (V day or Xmas). How frustrating and no wonder you are feeling so anxious. Its very messed up to make a date and then pass over it. Very flakey.

My guy and I just got engaged after a year and a half together. Much like you’re situation, he had always intended marriage but his butt needed to get in gear (he’s younger than me). After a year of dating him the “talks” began. I kept them pretty few and far between but the best talk was in January just after new years. It was not easy but I told him specifically that I would NOT live with a bf more than 2 years without a stronger commitment. He didn’t like it and it was tense, mostly because hefelt he said he felt emasculated and wanted to do this “on his own” but I layed down the law. I told him that was all well and good but this is MY life too and if it were up to me we would have already been engaged. I told him I loved him and wanted more with him.

He admitted after a couple of days that he also had to get used to the idea of a new role as “husband”. Again, I told him, he was more than welcome to be a single man but if I mattered to him he needed to start getting over these fears right away and do some growing up. I also emphasised that I didn’t want HIM to change at all. Just our commitment. I wanted to marry the man he IS!! I knew he would make an increadible husband.

After that I shut my trap almost completely for months.

I decided to have faith in him and actually started going about my life as if it was a DEFINiTE.

Around march I saw a change in him. He started talking more and more concretely (he had always talked) about our future and starting giving me a real reason to think it was coming soon.

Now we are engaged. Just happened on tuesday for my 33rd bday. Was amazing and I’m the happiest woman alive!!

My advice. Have a talk. Draw a hard line, your own time frame, then relax and think POSITIVE! Believe he will meet your deadline until or unless he doesn’t (then you must think hard about wasting more time on him).

Best of luck my dear and keep the faith! Either he’s it or someone else! Two of my friends have found the one at 37 and one just had a baby. There are no rules.

Xxx

Post # 10
Member
1279 posts
Bumble bee

I am 32 as well and I’ll be 33 in October.  One thing that has helped is to stop focusing on my age so much.  As Audreysdance said there are no rules.  Yes it sucks to feel the anxiety.  Things happen when they happen though. 

I also think her advise is spot on with just feeling like its definate…have some faith if you know he truly wants to.  You do not have to spend another year with him if you don’t feel that way.  You can leave.  Do not forget you have options other than him. 

Get yourself some distance from him, let him wonder and miss you a little bit.  Always revs a mans engine.  Take care of yourself too.  I started going to a sauna/hot tub place in town once a week to chill myself out 🙂 

Good luck and don’t worry yourself to pieces…..

ps manicures aren’t that expensive either….just get out of the house!

Post # 12
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I agree with what some others have said.. back off, but do it more for yourself than as a means to an end of getting engaged. Try to just enjoy your life, enjoy the relationship and not worry so much about it. Even the 3-step plan is a way to just remind yourself you have a life outside the relationship, which is healthy for you as a person, not just a manipulative way to get him to realize he better get you before you’re gone. good luck and welcome!

(From a 32 and waiting)

Post # 13
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I feel you.  I’m 32 and waiting as well.  I’m so happy I found these boards!  All of the other boards I’ve looked at are full of nothing but “just relax, you’re gonna scare him away” responses.  Helpful in theory, but not in practice.

Just know there are others out there like us!  I’m becoming increasingly obsessed by the day and desperate for a way to stop the madness!  I know it’s coming, but have no clue when.  My boyfriend is a meticulous planner, and lord knows how long he’s going to take to actually DO it.  He noticed I was in a funk yesterday and prodded and prodded until he got the reason out of me.  Then he got upset.  Seems like somedays you can’t win.  🙁

Post # 15
Member
1325 posts
Bumble bee

Well, I’m glad you are doing ok now. It’s interesting to see how our SOs react to us being firm. It really does tend to show what is honestly going on in their heads.

Post # 16
Member
736 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@rowdycowchick: I hope all works out for you with your new man. I always believe things everything happens for a reason. It just may not be apparent at the time. Who know how some people find true love at 22 and some find it at 35. For some reason, it’s the way it’s meant to be.

I’m 34 and waiting so I know exactly where you are coming from. It is tough to see girls that you babysat for get married and then have a baby(and then a second one) all before you get married. I know where you are coming from.

The topic ‘32 and Waiting…’ is closed to new replies.

Get our weekly roundup of the best of Weddingbee.
I agree to receive emails from the site. I can withdraw my consent at any time by unsubscribing.

Find Amazing Vendors