Post # 1
I am supposed to get married in 39 days and I have to decide whether or not to call off the wedding. If I knew that the BM drama from last week was the least of my worries I would have been so happy. My fiancé (whom I have been with for 10 years) committed a white collar crime (crime=crime in my book), but will not be prosecuted. In fact his boss (a long time family friend) said that he knew and that he wished that my fiancé just went to him instead of telling me or his family, and he gets to keep his job. He is very, very blessed. The thing is I can forgive the crime but I don’t know if I can forgive the fact that he has lied to be about it for months. I asked him over and over again if everything was ok and he would look me straight in the eye and lie.
Now even if I go through with the wedding I have no clue where we would live (most likely with his family- which is a HUGE NO NO for me) or if his family would even come to the wedding or not. If I call it off my family (who asked to contribute to the wedding) losses a lot of money, in fact at this point I would still have to pay off all the vendors ( we still have to pay the florist, videographer, and caterers), and get the honeymoon place tickets or lose the $4k we already paid for it.
Today was the first day I have not worn my e-ring on purpose. I am supposed to be going to the final tasting/reception design meeting today. I feel so numb and have compartmentalized so much that I have no clue what I am going to do. I also feel like I have no one to talk to (hence this long post) because while what he did was wrong I don’t want this affect how everyone in his life treats him for the rest of his life. He already has to live with what he did and to know that his family will never look at him the same again, that his best friend (an attorney he contacted) knows, and that he may lose me.
What do I do? I can’t stop the tears from leaking out.
Post # 3
Ohmygosh sweetie I am so sorry. I have been through a broken engagement as well and it is NOT fun. You have to follow your heart and your gut feeling. They are never, ever wrong. Your wedding should be the happiest time of your life and if you aren’t feeling that way now, please listen to your gut. I too felt the same way about my parents losing money but when they found out what was really going on, they were just happy that I made the right choice and decided to call it off. Money is replaceable.
I don’t know what crime he committed and the extent of what he did. Could you ever trust him after this? Keep in mind that people do make horrible mistakes and can be forgiven, but CAN you do that? CAN it be fixed or will you never look at him the same way again? You can move on from this and have a happy life with him, but you will need to forgive him and the question is can you do that?
I wish you the best of luck no matter what you do! <3
Post # 4
Wait, he committed a white collar crime? Hmmm. Not sure if I would go through with the wedding, either. Especially if you didn’t know it was going on until months later.
Post # 5
That is tough. I can’t even imagine. Would the vendors let you postpone as you work through all of this?
Here’s the thing. In my extedned family we had some people do some shaddy things with companies they were working for. The got in trouble and ended up loosing everything. Then they got back on their feet, and wouldn’t you know it, did it again and ended up having to spend time in prison. I realize this isn’t uplifting, but my point is…these guys NEVER learned their lesson. They got off easy the first time and went and messed up again. I can’t say if your fiance is like that or not, but I just know watching our extended family go through this, I would have a hard time trusting him and so I think that would likely end the relationship.
I can’t imagine how much pressure you must feel right now. But I do feel like it would be better if you could postpone so you can properly work through this without the wedding looming in the background pressuring you.
Post # 6
How come you have no place to live after the wedding? Does the crime take away his ability to find suitable housing? He got kicked out?
I’m so sorry this is happening! Do what feels right, and just because you have a wedding coming doesn’t mean your locked into your situation. You have some trust issues, and you want to make sure you figure out how you feel and what you want for your future!
Thinking of you!
Post # 7
About the money, I dont think you would need to pay off the balance of the vendors, you simply lose your deposits with them. Thats why they take such hefty deposits, in case of stuff like this. Their service is contracted with the deposit, and guarenteed upon payment of balance due.
Personally, I dont believe all crimes are created equal, a whtie collar crime (assuming fraud, or money, or soemthing like that) is not as awful as violent crimes to me. An ‘evil’ person capable of violence, is not the same as one driven by greed. Even the most greedy of them, think Madoff, can still be a “decent man” minus that one giant greedy or deparate flaw. But only you can know if you can trust and live with this man knowing what he’s done.
Post # 8
im sorry your going through this. like PP you really need to follow your heart. it is important to ask your self:
1. will i ever be able to trust him again?
2. can i imagine my life without him in it?
3. Can i forgive and forget?
This is a hard situation. i honestly would sit down with family or friends and discuss with them. good luck pumpkin!
Post # 9
Ok, the easy stuff, about the money…
1) Check your vendor contracts and calculate what is obligated if you cancel.
2) Remember that divorce can be exponentially more expensive than a wedding (emotionally + financially)
The harder stuff…
I think you have to take a long look at this situation and decide what this tells you about your FI as a person and his ability to provide (I know this is a partnership, but I’m making a point). Do you think this will be repeat behavior? How do you see this pattern (or potential pattern) affecting you 1 year out? 5? 10?
Do you feel confident in your FI’s ability to make decisions in the best interest of you both? I’m not sure what you mean by “crime = crime to you”. If he’s willing to commit a crime, that means at some level he was aware that his activity could result in going to jail, and placing that burden on you.
Is your sense of trust for your FI intact? This is huge, and you’ve answered it already.
Do you feel confident that FI is a reliable choice with which to [raise a family/plan for the future/plan for retirement] – whatever your personal choices in that regard are?
Please please please do not go forward if you can’t answer these questions in a way that makes you fine with getting married. The deposits are just money – I know it’s easy to say when it’s not mine, but try to think big picture.
So sorry to hear about your situation. 🙁 Good luck
Post # 10
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this situation 🙁 I would definitely take a long hard look at how you feel toward him. Maybe go to counseling. Maybe postpone the wedding. I think your parents would really understand if you cancelled the wedding because he did make a huge mistake. It doesn’t sound like it was the biggest crime, but it’s still crime. Unless you can trust him, don’t walk down the aisle. I have a friend of a friend who got married even though she was in love with someone else and didn’t love her fiancé just because her parents spent money on the wedding, and she’s pretty miserable. Now, there’s a good chance you wouldn’t end up miserable, but you have to really talk to him about how he put both of you on the line and he has to think about that….there’s no easy answer, but I hope you find an answer that you can live with.
Post # 11
You posted on another thread that you are going through with the wedding. I hope you are in counseling to deal with your pain and distrust. I know you want things to work out, but you won’t be able to do it alone.