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Has anyone asked about the dangers of "third hand smoke" during their pregnancy/after the baby is born? Or had to talk to smokers in your family? (Third hand smoke is the residue left over from someone smoking in a house/vehicle. It's also found in the individuals clothes and hair follicles and researchers have found it staying in the home for over a year after the smoker has moved out, even with carpets cleaned/new paint).
Both of DH's parents smoke, so I've been putting together a packet of information about why we won't let our baby come to their house, because of the dangers of ingesting nicotine and other carcinogens that are deposited through third hand smoke (can cause SIDS, asthma, cognitive defects, neurotoxicity, etc). Our doctor thinks its a big deal and everything on the internet that we've read says it's a big deal...just wondering if anyone else has had a similar situation. Thanks bees!
I have never thought it! But when I have a child that will definitely be a consideration. Luckily, none of our immediate families smoke, but I would have to consider any possible sitters/friends, etc! I think it's definitely important, and if his family doesn't understand, that's their ignorance and their loss.
I believe it's a big deal but putting together a packet for them might come off as offensive. I'd just avoid or minimize contact and show them that "packet" if they want to sit and talk about it.
I agree. Being given a whole packet about why "your house sucks, and isn't good enough" is potentially harsh. (Not saying this is your intention, but it's easy for someone to get this defensive-- be prepared for that)
Just don't take the baby over. Even if they come to your house to visit, they will still be wearing the clothes they smoked in. Will they not be allowed to see baby ever?
We tried straight up talking to them about it, but they took the stance of "We smoked around DH when he was a kid and he turned out just fine. You guys are being ridiculous" We were just trying to show them the new information that was out there. Definitely did not mean for it to be offensive :( All it is is some articles/studies and information from our doc.
Don't give them a packet unless they ask for it. Just voice to them that you do not wish to have your baby in a non smoke free environment. Your Baby, Your Rules
Um, big deal yes, are you over doing it, YES! What about second hand smoke.... you gonna make a packet and pass it to people in walmart, the grocery store, the mall clerk, their sitter, teachers,pediatrician (how do you know if they actually smoke or not), ..... what I am trying to say is... yes, smoking is dangerous. I HATE TO SMELL IT nevertheless.... it could come off as extremely rude to give them a packet of we don't want you to see our baby.... and this could cause problems with Your marriage, because you are insulting his parents in such an offensive manner.
All you have to do is talk with his parents... or have him talk with them (thats best). But they aren't children and you don't have to sit around and teach them like they are ignorant. I would be offended.
If they reacted that way, then I would tell them simply "I'm sorry you feel that way, but this is my child and I want what i think is best for him. And I think being around smoke is harmful, so he won't be coming to your house"
They can get as mad as they want,but when its all said and done, he is your child, and not theirs
If you have already talked to them about, then I wouldn't give them the packets. They know your stance and when baby comes just make sure you invite them over often.
@JulesSchnooks The doctor recommended that we have a set of clothes in our home for them to change into that haven't been exposed to the smoke. Maybe it's an extreme, they smoke a ton though. I know it's not an ideal situation. I hoped that maybe they would consider electric cigarettes, which don't have the residuals. We told them we understand/respect their decision either way. I mean, what do you really do in a situation like this? We can't take our kids away from them, but I would never ever forgive myself if our baby got SIDS from me not protecting him/her....I don't know what the right choice is :(
@MuchGreater It was DH's idea and we have an amazing marriage. We are both on the same page about respecting the safety of our child. Also, 3rd hand smoke is MORE dangerous than second hand smoke. And it is NEW information-- it the last couple of years. I don't expect them to know about it, we found out at our doctors appts ourselves!
Sometimes you have to pick your battles. i know it's your best interest to protect the little one when you can, but you can't put your baby in a bubble. Especially if you want the baby to have a relationship with its grandparents. i'm not saying you're making the wrong choice, but life has all kinds of health risks associated with being a human being coming into contact with things on a daily basis. You get to do the best you can with what you have because you're its mother. Luckily you can control its environment 98% of the time. Visiting the grandparents every once in a while isn't the worst thing in the universe, especially if they agree not to smoke in front of it.
Believe me, I get it about the 3rd hand smoke. My mother smokes a lot, and when I visit, I get sneezy and just feel gross after I leave her place, but her feelings would be hurt to no end if I made her change any time she came into my home. I don't want to make her feel like a 3rd class citizen, you know? It's a tough call, but go with what you're most comfortable.
Though we are nowhere near having a baby, FI and I have discussed this. His parents are both HEAVY smokers (like one after another) and even as of now, it really bothers me and I can get migraines from the smoke. Since we started becoming serious, his parents have put smokeaters and air purifiers on the side of the house we sleep in, and have stopped smoking as much in the car if I was around.
Then one day my FI mentioned that when we decided to have kids and I was pregnant we would be staying at his granmother's house, rather than his parents during that time. It wasn't something I ever thought of, but I am glad to hear he thinks of these things!
I do know that his parents are really understanding, and know that it isn't really healthy and will completely understand if we decided to not have our kids stay at their house. Maybe your FI's family gets it, and will understand? I would suggest just talkng to them about it, and showing them the information only if they really don't seem to understand!
I think you are perfectly within your right as a parent to refuse to allow your child to go over to its grandparents house as the smoke residue will be everywhere. I think you can also ask that the grandparents wash their hands before handling the baby - which is something ALL people should be doing, smoker or not. I think you cross the line a bit when you ask them to change into a specific outfit at your house when they come to visit.
As a soon-to-be mum myself, I know how easy it is to worry about things but I think babies are more resilient than their size implies. If the baby is exposed to secondhand smoke on occasion when the grandparents come to visit, it's not going to be hugely detrimental. But personally, I would put my foot down at refusing to allow the baby to spend much (if any!) time at their house as that smoke residue will just be everywhere!
Good luck!
I absolutely agree that smoke/nicotine exposure is a serious concern and should be avoided whenever possible. But if you know anything about addiction, you'd recognize why giving them those packets may very well end up backfiring on you. Most smokers don't enjoy smoking, and most smokers know perfectly well how dangerous it is and can be to others. They are addicted... and making people feel guilty about addictions doesn't help, in fact it usually makes them feel defensive and angry.
Lay out some ground rules, explain why you feel that way, and drop it. Thats really all you can do. Hopefully they will be respectful of your parenting decisions - but if not, I think its worth finding some compromise. Having a relationship with your childs grandparents is so, so, so valuable.
I think that you should minimize contact and keep visits short. Shower and change of clothes when you get home. Like another poster said, you can't keep your kid in a bubble wrap if you want him/her to have a relationship with the grandparents.
Let them be aware of your position on this and minimize contact.. I think that's the best you/we can do.
@JulesSchnooks: "you can't put your baby in a bubble. Especially if you want the baby to have a relationship with its grandparents."
I agree.
OP - I think youare going a little overboard. It's one thing to ask the grandparents to not smoke around the baby. It's a totally other level to never take the baby to grandma and grandpa's house and make them change clothing to enter your house!
Your baby is going to come across people smoking (or people who have third-hand residues on their clothes, etc) every time you go out in public. It is unavoidable. So to so severely restrict access to the grandparents for the same things the baby will experience in public seems majorly extreme, IMO.
When I have a baby, my husband and I will have this exact same rule. I 100% understand where you're coming from! It's an easy way to avoid very toxic, known chemicals that they don't need to be exposed to, especially at such a young age when there is so much neuronal development. It makes me really grateful that we live in a place where there is no smoking in restaurants, bars, within a certain radius of entrances, etc. You're not even allowed to smoke on the campus of my company.It's time we stopped worrying so much about the delicate feelings of smokers who are collapsing our heathcare system with their medical costs, and leaving toxins everywhere they go.
I don't think you're going overboard, but I don't think the packet would be effective and would probably just make them more defensive. I don't really agree with having them change when they come over to your house, but I see where you're coming from.
I know you can't keep your baby in a 'bubble' but (in my opinion) a line needs to be drawn between having your baby around people who smoke in a parking lot or on the sidewalk, and your baby being in an environment where he/she will constantly be exposed to second and third hand smoke.
If I were in your situation I would allow the grandparents to see the baby outside or in my house, and just ask them if they could not smoke around the baby. I (and my SO agrees) would not let the baby stay at the grandparents house for long periods of time (ex: a few hours). Yes babies are resilient, but resiliency can only go so far.
Third hand smoke is the next most talked about thing in healthcare. I work as a medical scribe and we are just HARPING on people about the dangers of third hand smoke. Keep the baby awayyyy! =)
ETA: Good job with the packets of information for them, I think thats awesome.
One of my relatives is a long-time nurse. When she had her son, she refused to bring him into a home where people smoked inside. Her DH smokes, but he'd always smoked outside anyway. When the baby was born, the DH had to wear a special "smoking coat/shirt" to go out for his cigarette breaks, then wash his hands afterwards.
I think that it is perfectly okay for you to say that the baby can't go over to your in-laws' house. All of the smoke and residue is just too much for an infant. But, I wouldn't ban them from coming to your house. Just make sure they wash their hands, up to their elbows, and if you feel it's necessary, make them change into clean shirts kept at your house.
I think you are going a little overboard OP. I understand not allowing the baby at grandparents' house due to smokey interior. Giving them a packet of info about why their lifestyle is so harmful will probably just offend them. Stick to your guns whenever they ask about baby coming over and don't try to argue with them or convince them to agree with you.
I think it's offensive, unneccessary, and rude to force them to change clothes whenever they come over. Unless your child has severe breathing problems, don't push the clothing issues on your ILs.
i would love to make the same rule for my relatives, many of whom are heavy smokers. but what about the other hidden dangers, like radon and bad water and food poisoning that generally no one tests for. i know there is something in the air at my NJ inlaws house that makes me feel sick after a few hours. i have no idea what it is, but same symptoms every time.
@ColeandAmyT: I would tell them straight up: no smoking around the baby. And, if you feel uncomfortalbe with it being on them, I don't see anything wrong with telling them your (you and your husband's) ideals and requirements. If that is changing clothes, oh well, they will have to meet those requirements.
Thanks everyone for your responses. It was really interesting to read all of your different opinions. I just wanted to clarify two things: 1. My husband wanted a packet of information for his parents, because he thought it would help them understand where we're coming from (since he knows them best, I don't think he'd do something to deliberately offend them); and 2. Having a change of clothes was the advice given to us by our very educated DOCTOR. I'm not trying to be a crazy protective mother, just trying to follow his advice. We have no problem with DH's parents coming to visit as often as they like. I definitely don't think that I can keep my baby in a "bubble" and have no intentions of doing so. At the same time, I will not knowingly expose him/her to known toxins that the doctor specifically advised against.
I appreciate the feedback, but I guess that my question was more along the lines of whether anyone else had to have this conversation with their family or received different information from their doctor?
@ColeandAmyT: It seems like your doctor takes a really extreme position on it. Having someone change clothes really is a bit much. You could just make sure the baby is wrapped in a blanket and switch blankets as soon as they are done holding them, kind of like a barrier. I have had two children (and am a nurse) and neither of my doctors took this much precautions.
You have my full and total support. When we have a child, there is NO WAY I am letting any smokers near my baby, or letting my baby into smokers' homes. Sorry, no, nah dah.
Of course you can't keep your baby in a bubble. There are things you can't protect your children from - some things you can't even check for, some things you will unknowingly expose your children too, and other areas where you will slip up and make mistake. But exposure to smoke is NOT one of those things. I KNOW the danger of smoke, and I KNOW how to protect my children from it. Uh, yeah, you better believe I would do everything in my power as a parent to protect my kids from it. It's my job - plain and simple.
I think you are so smart for taking these precautions! My SO's mom and step father are both very heavy smokers. SO's mom isn't very traditional, so while we aren't even engaged yet (but together for almost 6 yrs), she constantly says she wants us to have a baby. I've made it very clear that's not happening until there's a ring, a wedding, and then a house...and I have also told her she needs to quit if she wants grandchildren!
Smoking is absolutely disgusting and there's no way if I were a mother, or pregnant, I'd be around it. I definitely think you should request that they keep clean clothes at your house, so the baby isn't cuddling in their smoke filled clothing. I also wouldn't take the baby to their house..I know this is harsh, but I think it's super important. I know there are times when SO's mom and step dad have smoked outside for days, but I still smell and feel the residue in the house. I hate it for myself...I'd never let a baby be around it.
ETA:I have had this conversation with my SO, even though we are years away from dealing with it. He agrees-absolutely no smoking around babies. SO's mom has also said she would quit the minute she knows we are trying (Yeah right?)
@crayfish: EXACTLY what you said!! Wish I could "like" this 1000x!
Agreed. Also can you please explain how it is possible that 3rd hand smoke is MORE dangerous than 2nd? Is this already a proven fact or still in research process?I think your a lil over the top but hey its your kid, your in laws not mine
@Mr.Smithsgirl Sure. It is research based-- a huge study came out in 2009 in Pediatrics Journal that started a firestorm of research about third hand smoke. Third hand smoke is more dangerous because the particles are smaller with a greater molecular weight and can be inhaled deeper into the lungs (which makes babies/toddlers unable to clear them by coughing). Also, third hand smoke is usually ingested by the child touching toys/furniture/people/food and then placing their hands in their mouth, which means the child is directly consuming the carinogens and toxins. "Among infants, it has been found that the rate of ingesting dust is more than twice that of adults, making babies especially vulnerable to the effects of third-hand smoke." With a baby being so small, the impact of these toxins are also greater than a teenager/adult. Also, a new study, which was published in the journal Environmental Science & Technology, shows that nicotine residues can interact with other indoor air pollutants and become airborne again. I'm sure part of it being considered "more dangerous" is that parents don't always know that their child is being exposed to it, as well. I had never heard/thought about 3rd hand smoke until our doc brought it up.
@WantToBeM.E, @Jupster, @Pinksapphire, @sugarpea, @andersonsarah Thank you so much for your support! It made me feel so much better after some of the other PPs. We really do just have the baby's health interests at heart! Thank you :)
I would talk to them about the dangers and your concerns, but I wouldn't give them a packet of information. You could mention that you are happy to provide additional information or research if they are interested, but I think coming over with a packet of medical information could be seen as offensive. I do agree, however, that you are well within your right as a parent to restrict where your child goes and what you expose him/her to. Just be careful when addressing his parents!
Sometimes I wonder how babies ever survived up until this point, what with all the regulations we have in place now ;)
OP, I'm not going to tell you you're over the top - my opinion is moot because it's YOUR baby! Do what you feel is right. There's nothing wrong with avoiding smoke with your baby, although I always think these things get complicated when it's a family member. Would I think it's offensive if my family member sauntered over with a packet of information and a change of clothes for me? Yeah, but I'm not a smoker, so it's hard for me to put myself in their position. And I'm not a mother, so it's hard for me to put myself in yours. All I would suggest is to conduct all your dealings with others re: your baby in a pleasant light, not a domineering one, so it's as non-offensive for everyone involved (including you and your baby).
OP people have no idea how serious 3rd hand smoke is. Until youhave a child and understand how scary it is to be in charge of someone's life then please dont judge the OP for wanting to protect HER BABY!
I do think that you should put together in informational packet for you IL's. they prob have no idea how serious the situation is.
Good luck to you and baby!!
@MrsWrangler: "Sometimes I wonder how babies ever survived up until this point"
Haha! I think this same thing all the time.
My MIL smokes and we're just going to tell her we're not comfortable with the baby being in the house because of the second and third hand smoke. I mean, DH would change his clothes and probably shower before holding the baby if he had just spread pesticides all day... and pesticides are only ONE of the hundreds of kinds of chemicals in cigarette smoke.
If she gets mad she gets mad. I'd rather have an angry MIL than a sick baby. Just tell her you are uncomfortable with it and that she's welcome at your house, and that you'll keep some clean clothes there for her or she could change at home after having her last butt before the visit. Ultimately it's up to her if she changes her clothes or not, but I'm sure if she refuses to wear clean clothes around the baby she'll find herself invited over less and less.
I guess if she doesn't believe you that it's unsafe to have a baby around second hand smoke and chemical infested fabrics you could provide her with some research... but honestly if she won't accept the fact that smoking is dangerous then no packet is going to convince her because she's just being stubborn and defensive of her beloved butts.
I don't think it's putting the baby in a "bubble" at all to follow your dr's advice about this--smoking bans in public spaces are gaining momentum all over the country for exactly these reasons. from the big, east coast cities I've lived in to my small midwestern hometown, smoking is banned. literally, i live in nyc, and the only place people can smoke is on the street, and sometimes that's even banned (I think it might be outlawed in parks, and in some places, like near school campuses, it's banned). so protecting your baby from it isn;t being unreasonable, you're just maybe ahead of the curb for your locality
DH's mom and step dad smoke like chimneys and I have no idea how we will eventually deal with it if/when we have kids. My BIL brings his baby over for extended visits while they are both smoking IN the house so I think it would be tough to try and say we don't think it's safe. Whenever we get home from a visit everything we brought with us reeks of cigarettes, it's gross! I just wouldn't want that for our child..
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