4.5 yrs of dating and 3 years of living together. Still no ring.

posted 2 years ago in Proposals
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  • Post # 2
    Member
    8706 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    I wouldn’t jump to ultimatum. Sit him down and talk to him. Remind him that he’s said “Within the next 6 months” for some time now and let him know how important it is to you. <br /><br />Alternate option is, propose to him.

    Post # 3
    Member
    2428 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Do you want to be with him or do you want to be married? My husband proposed on our 7 year anniversary and still caught me by surprise. We were living together for 4 years at that point, and had two dogs together. There was never a question of commitment. Giving him an ultimatum was never an option because I wanted to be with him, no matter if I had a ring or not.

    I make twice his income and now I’m starting to think if I need to move on for someone who can actually save up for a ring.

    This just sounds like you want the ring more than the man. You can always buy your own, if that’s what’s holding him up.

    Post # 4
    Member
    1886 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    yool2ya:  we were at 5 years of dating and 4 years of living together when my fiance proposed last year, and we’re in our early 30s, so I’m familiar with some of what you’re feeling. I really think you need to tell your guy how you really feel, how much this is hurting you, and how important marriage is to you – explain to him you cannot be happy in this relationship without it and are not content to stay as is indefinitely.  Ask him outright why he keeps pushing the dates back, and why he hasn’t been saving for a ring. See what he says, and if he can answer directly instead of stalling or deflecting. 

    I don’t recommend ultimatums. What a negative way to start a life together, IMO… I feel like I would be resentful if I had to essentially threaten my guy into proposing. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    613 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    If marriage was completely off the table, would you still be with him?? Or do you just want to be with someone who will marry you?…”I make twice his income and now I’m starting to think if I need to move on for someone who can actually save up for a ring”.

    I don’t worry about his commitment to you, I worry about your commitment to him.

    But I never understood the whole “waiting” thing, either.

    Post # 6
    Member
    61 posts
    Worker bee

    Yeah I agree don’t give an ultimatum, but  I am a firm believer in not wasting time if someone is dragging you along.  Sit him down and have a real conversation.  Ask him why he’s saying “in the next 6 months” if it isn’t happening.  Also, try to set a realistic time frame. (3 mos, 6 mos, etc)

     

    And I agree with nightborn- just ask him why he hasn’t been saving for a ring.  Plus, you don’t need a ring to get married, or you can find a reasonable one.  Good luck:0)

    Post # 7
    Member
    2398 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    You need to sit him down and tell him all these feelings. DH and I were together for 7 yrs before we got engaged, 8 yrs by the time we were married. We lived together for 5 yrs before the ceremony. We both knew we wanted to get married and the committment was there, but the timing & $$ wasn’t. When people around us that had been dating for much shorter times started getting married I felt the way you do and he just didn’t understand until I told him exactly why and what I was feeling. Sure, the feelings are silly because you shouldn’t compare your relationship to others however they are difficult to shrug off still…

    Ask him what he wants to be in place before he proposes, any plans or goals before he wants to be married? Alot of men, including DH, were worried being married would change them/you/the realtionship and it took a while for him to realize essentially we are the same two people just with Mr. & Mrs. samelastname. Before you do all this you need to really decide if you would be okay staying like this forever with him. If he never proposed would you still be happy in your relationship or is it a deal-breaker for you? Also think about whether you would ever consider proposing to him- I seriously considered it after DH took so long to propose…. 

     

    Post # 8
    Member
    4901 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 2010

    This ring business sounds like an excuse to me.  If he had wanted to save up & buy a ring, he would have.  But, he has chosen not to.

    I think you need to get to the root of it.  That means talking with him & letting him know YOUR timeline.  He’s had all the power.  Of course you feel resentful.  If he doesn’t want to get married, you need to know that so you can make an informed choice about your future with him.

    Post # 9
    Member
    77 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    yool2ya:  omg I was in a very similar situation!!! I just told my boyfriend (now fiancé) how I felt and even figured out different options for him.  I showed him a 500 dollar ring I love and also introduced him to the financing options jewelers offer. You don’t have to have all the money up front, you can finance. A lot of people dont realize this or think about it. 

    In hind site I wish I wasn’t so pushy, but I can’t say I wouldn’t do it if I was in the situation again. Don’t give him an ultimatum- you can just say that if doesn’t propose by 6 months that means its fair game for YOU to propose to him!!!

    Post # 10
    Member
    77 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    yool2ya:  omg I was in a very similar situation!!! I just told my boyfriend (now fiancé) how I felt and even figured out different options for him.  I showed him a 500 dollar ring I love and also introduced him to the financing options jewelers offer. You don’t have to have all the money up front, you can finance. A lot of people dont realize this or think about it.  In hind site I wish I wasn’t so pushy, but I can’t say I wouldn’t do it if I was in the situation again. Don’t give him an ultimatum- you can just say that if doesn’t propose by 6 months that means its fair game for YOU to propose to him!!!

    Post # 11
    Member
    599 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2016

    Talk to him, tell him how you feel. If nothing changes, propose to him instead 

    Post # 12
    Member
    913 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard

    yool2ya:  Something is up with him and holding him back. 

    I agree, you definitely need to talk to him, but do it in a casual non-confrontational way without placing blame. 

    Start with commenting how you know he keeps saying “in 6 months” multiple times and it hasn’t happened so it makes you feel like he is hesitant about something. Ask him his fears, what does he truly feel is holding him back. Sometimes it’s something simple that he fears that you can alleviate with positive reinforcement. Like if he’s afraid of your relationship changing, less sex, fear of divorce, the expense, etc. then it’s up to you to alleviate each and every one of his fears. If pre-marital counseling helps with the communication being a 3rd party then do it.

    You HAVE to be able to communicate good and bad to work through it together. If it’s the money, why don’t you suggest you help pay half. If it’s the cost of the wedding, offer an smaller, inexpensive affair or just go to the courthouse. If it’s divorce because say his parents got divorced, then alleviate that fear that although nothing is in stone, that you both will commit to working at everything 100%. Most of all reassure him that you love him 100% and the only thing that matters is you want to marry him and spend the rest of your life with him (if you truly do). Make sure you tell him that marriage is important to you and that enough time has gone by and if he doesn’t feel the same and it’s not what he wants anymore, (and don’t get upset if he does say this), but you will understand and you will have to move on to do what is best for you. You do love him and want to get married but if he doesn’t want the same, it’s ok.  Have a back up plan to move out or separate and plan a life without him. If at the end of the year, it still hasn’t happened, then you need to move on. Let him see that you are starting to look elsewhere to move, spend less and less time with him. More time with friends or take a class, etc. Start to spend less time with him and wean yourself away. 

    Please sit down and have a talk. Don’t put anything as a personal attack on him. It will only make him defensive. Make it about you. Tell him how it’s important to you, how his actions make YOU feel, and what YOU have decided for your future, with or without him and stick to it. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    314 posts
    Helper bee

    This is why I have no patience for the traditional marriage proposal, the man has all the power when marriage needs to be 50/50. How about sitting him down and saying “do you want to get married? let’s go ring shopping together and decide on a date for the ceremony”– that was he can’t be passive aggressive about it.

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