Post # 1
I’m 27 and he is almost 32. We’ve been friends since 2007, started dating in 2010 and moved in together a year and a half after that. We both have established that we want to get married and have kids. We both have careers that pay decent. I’m not doubting his love or commitment to me, he just moved 1000 miles with me because I took a job offer 4 states over. He has no family or friends here, just me.
His sister is getting married in a few months. Her and her fiance have dated 2 years less than we have and they both make no money. His mom is pretty much paying for the wedding. I brought up the topic of us getting married a year ago when his sister got engaged. He told me “I have to save some money for the ring, who knows maybe we’ll be married before they are.” Well obviously thay didn’t happen. 6 months ago I asked him for an update and he said “I want it to be a surprise. Take you somewhere nice.” I waited another 3 months to see if he was planning a vacation and he had no plans. I waited another 3 months and recently I asked him when we’re going on vacation and he told me “next April ish would be ideal” I told him I’m going to hold him to his 6 month promise and will not wait until next April for a proposal. He just got silent and was in a mood the rest of the day.
He’s been talking about “within the next 6 months” for the last year and a half. I know his finances and he hasn’t saved any money for the ring. I’m not just sick of waiting, I feel like I’m not good enough of a girlfriend and feel inadequate compared to everyone else whos getting engaged. I keep asking myself “why not me? What does she have that I don’t have that made him propose to her?” people refer me as my boyfriends wife and I always get tagged on facebook articles on married life by my friends. I feel like I die a little inside every time it happens.. I make twice his income and now I’m starting to think if I need to move on for someone who can actually save up for a ring.
Do I give him an ultimatum? For how long? I avoided ultimatums for the longest time thinking that it wasn’t fair for the other person. I don’t know what to think anymore.
Any suggestions would be helpful. Thank you.
Post # 2
I wouldn’t jump to ultimatum. Sit him down and talk to him. Remind him that he’s said “Within the next 6 months” for some time now and let him know how important it is to you. <br /><br />Alternate option is, propose to him.
Post # 3
Do you want to be with him or do you want to be married? My husband proposed on our 7 year anniversary and still caught me by surprise. We were living together for 4 years at that point, and had two dogs together. There was never a question of commitment. Giving him an ultimatum was never an option because I wanted to be with him, no matter if I had a ring or not.
I make twice his income and now I’m starting to think if I need to move on for someone who can actually save up for a ring.
This just sounds like you want the ring more than the man. You can always buy your own, if that’s what’s holding him up.
Post # 4
yool2ya: we were at 5 years of dating and 4 years of living together when my fiance proposed last year, and we’re in our early 30s, so I’m familiar with some of what you’re feeling. I really think you need to tell your guy how you really feel, how much this is hurting you, and how important marriage is to you – explain to him you cannot be happy in this relationship without it and are not content to stay as is indefinitely. Ask him outright why he keeps pushing the dates back, and why he hasn’t been saving for a ring. See what he says, and if he can answer directly instead of stalling or deflecting.
I don’t recommend ultimatums. What a negative way to start a life together, IMO… I feel like I would be resentful if I had to essentially threaten my guy into proposing.
Post # 5
If marriage was completely off the table, would you still be with him?? Or do you just want to be with someone who will marry you?…”I make twice his income and now I’m starting to think if I need to move on for someone who can actually save up for a ring”.
I don’t worry about his commitment to you, I worry about your commitment to him.
But I never understood the whole “waiting” thing, either.
Post # 6
Yeah I agree don’t give an ultimatum, but I am a firm believer in not wasting time if someone is dragging you along. Sit him down and have a real conversation. Ask him why he’s saying “in the next 6 months” if it isn’t happening. Also, try to set a realistic time frame. (3 mos, 6 mos, etc)
And I agree with nightborn- just ask him why he hasn’t been saving for a ring. Plus, you don’t need a ring to get married, or you can find a reasonable one. Good luck:0)
Post # 7
You need to sit him down and tell him all these feelings. DH and I were together for 7 yrs before we got engaged, 8 yrs by the time we were married. We lived together for 5 yrs before the ceremony. We both knew we wanted to get married and the committment was there, but the timing & $$ wasn’t. When people around us that had been dating for much shorter times started getting married I felt the way you do and he just didn’t understand until I told him exactly why and what I was feeling. Sure, the feelings are silly because you shouldn’t compare your relationship to others however they are difficult to shrug off still…
Ask him what he wants to be in place before he proposes, any plans or goals before he wants to be married? Alot of men, including DH, were worried being married would change them/you/the realtionship and it took a while for him to realize essentially we are the same two people just with Mr. & Mrs. samelastname. Before you do all this you need to really decide if you would be okay staying like this forever with him. If he never proposed would you still be happy in your relationship or is it a deal-breaker for you? Also think about whether you would ever consider proposing to him- I seriously considered it after DH took so long to propose….
Post # 8
This ring business sounds like an excuse to me. If he had wanted to save up & buy a ring, he would have. But, he has chosen not to.
I think you need to get to the root of it. That means talking with him & letting him know YOUR timeline. He’s had all the power. Of course you feel resentful. If he doesn’t want to get married, you need to know that so you can make an informed choice about your future with him.
Post # 9
yool2ya: omg I was in a very similar situation!!! I just told my boyfriend (now fiancé) how I felt and even figured out different options for him. I showed him a 500 dollar ring I love and also introduced him to the financing options jewelers offer. You don’t have to have all the money up front, you can finance. A lot of people dont realize this or think about it.
In hind site I wish I wasn’t so pushy, but I can’t say I wouldn’t do it if I was in the situation again. Don’t give him an ultimatum- you can just say that if doesn’t propose by 6 months that means its fair game for YOU to propose to him!!!
Post # 10
yool2ya: omg I was in a very similar situation!!! I just told my boyfriend (now fiancé) how I felt and even figured out different options for him. I showed him a 500 dollar ring I love and also introduced him to the financing options jewelers offer. You don’t have to have all the money up front, you can finance. A lot of people dont realize this or think about it. In hind site I wish I wasn’t so pushy, but I can’t say I wouldn’t do it if I was in the situation again. Don’t give him an ultimatum- you can just say that if doesn’t propose by 6 months that means its fair game for YOU to propose to him!!!
Post # 11
Talk to him, tell him how you feel. If nothing changes, propose to him instead
Post # 12
- Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard
yool2ya: Something is up with him and holding him back.
I agree, you definitely need to talk to him, but do it in a casual non-confrontational way without placing blame.
Start with commenting how you know he keeps saying “in 6 months” multiple times and it hasn’t happened so it makes you feel like he is hesitant about something. Ask him his fears, what does he truly feel is holding him back. Sometimes it’s something simple that he fears that you can alleviate with positive reinforcement. Like if he’s afraid of your relationship changing, less sex, fear of divorce, the expense, etc. then it’s up to you to alleviate each and every one of his fears. If pre-marital counseling helps with the communication being a 3rd party then do it.
You HAVE to be able to communicate good and bad to work through it together. If it’s the money, why don’t you suggest you help pay half. If it’s the cost of the wedding, offer an smaller, inexpensive affair or just go to the courthouse. If it’s divorce because say his parents got divorced, then alleviate that fear that although nothing is in stone, that you both will commit to working at everything 100%. Most of all reassure him that you love him 100% and the only thing that matters is you want to marry him and spend the rest of your life with him (if you truly do). Make sure you tell him that marriage is important to you and that enough time has gone by and if he doesn’t feel the same and it’s not what he wants anymore, (and don’t get upset if he does say this), but you will understand and you will have to move on to do what is best for you. You do love him and want to get married but if he doesn’t want the same, it’s ok. Have a back up plan to move out or separate and plan a life without him. If at the end of the year, it still hasn’t happened, then you need to move on. Let him see that you are starting to look elsewhere to move, spend less and less time with him. More time with friends or take a class, etc. Start to spend less time with him and wean yourself away.
Please sit down and have a talk. Don’t put anything as a personal attack on him. It will only make him defensive. Make it about you. Tell him how it’s important to you, how his actions make YOU feel, and what YOU have decided for your future, with or without him and stick to it.
Post # 13
This is why I have no patience for the traditional marriage proposal, the man has all the power when marriage needs to be 50/50. How about sitting him down and saying “do you want to get married? let’s go ring shopping together and decide on a date for the ceremony”– that was he can’t be passive aggressive about it.
Post # 14
yumcheez: Hey I’m all about not being traditional. I want an immediate family wedding in my backyard. My boyfriend and I talked about me not taking his last name because it’s only a tradition. I have no problem buying a ring for myself, the problem is that HE wants to create that romantic memory of him saving up, picking out a ring, taking me somewhere nice and getting on his knees to propose. We talked about me just getting a ring for myself so people don’t hit on me at work and my boyfriend said he specifically wants to buy me one himself. So I m confused as you all are.
Post # 15
MrsTtoB: Thank you for your detailed comment. I spoke to him in a supportive manner and he assured me that it’s just the money. We have problems like other couples but we went to couple’s counseling to resolve those issues and better our communication skills. We both agreed that he’s not very good at saving money. He’s been trying but to no success mostly due to the moving expenses he accrued. I try my best to understand his point of view but I feel that if he really wanted this he would seek other means of getting me a ring such as financing. He doesn’t want to finance a ring but couple weeks ago he was eager to finance a flat screen TV. I ended up buying him a TV so he didn’t have to make more debt. I just wish he was that eager to get a ring instead of a TV. Of course I communicated this with him and he says it’s not true. I’m willing to give until the end of the year but not much more than that. Is this like giving him an ultimatum?