- 6 years ago
- Wedding: May 2011
Let me preface this by saying I have depression issues as well as MAJOR issues with my body image i guess is what it would be. I had an eating disorder when I was in my teens/early 20’s. My body image and self esteem go hand in hand and are pretty severe.
I used to be thin….too thin. Now I am very overweight. I went from 1 extreme to the other. 2 years ago I was at a heathy weight….but I just couldnt keep it there….with the wedding planning and then my brother getting very very sick and nearly losing him I just lost all focus on keepong healthy. I am at my heaviest ever and that has done aweful things to me mentally and physically.
I have high blood pressure. Normally its 160/80 to 160/100. I have more migraines than usual since my blood pressure went this high.
I work a very physical job. Im on my feet 8 hours repeatedly having to lift approx 5-25 pounds reapeatedly all day. I have to use my hands and have almost lost the grip in one of my hands and have arthritis like pain in my right hand most of the time.
On top of the very physical job I work my co workers are aweful people. The other girls I work with are a bit younger than I and act like they are fresh out of HS. All I want to do is come to work do my job and leave. These girls make it very hard….they do not like me and they make it a point to make it miserable for me. I think I do a very good job of rising above and just basically ignoring it but it wares on me mentally to deal with this all day every day.
The most recent thing is they have all decided to do is to wear strong parfumes to work. I have aweful sensitivities to parfume they know this…..it gives me aweful headaches…..migraines sometimes, but always a headache.
Needless to say….I hate my job. Im EXHAUSTED when I come home, often with a headache for a couple hours till I shower and get settled.
This makes housework very hard to get done on the weekday, My husband desires a clean house. I know it gets frustrating to have to wait till the weekend to have the house cleaned. It also makes working out to lose weight pretty hard to do,
He wants me to lose weight. I have not done so….he gets mad when he sees I am doing nothing about the weight, He wants kids and I can not have kids until I lose weight…….which in turn will bring my blood pressure down, The reason we can not TTC right now. The baby thing is a deal breaker for him. He wants a child…if I can not give that to him its a problem.
He said he cant live with me like this….he says its very clear how unhappy I am.
He says I am happier without him….he has seen it, When we were split up at one point he wanted to get back together because he saw how happy i was. I was happy because I was healthy, able to do my job, keep my apartment clean, I had energy and health to do all this.
I was able to do it withour being nagged or pestered or judged. Between my husband and his mom (a whole other set of HUGE problems in our lives recently)….they drove me nuts pestering me to do this, that and the other, His mom had no business putting her 2 cents in our daily lives. It drove me insane!
She wanted me to dye my hair dark instead of being blonde (which I have been the entire 7 years she has known me) I went dark (because I wanted to not her) she thern encouraged me to do it myself to save money. She pestered about thank you cards the day we came back from the honeymoon till they were done. She asked me every time she saw me if I cleaned out the spare room (it became a storage room for wedding items) She drove me crazy, She told husband that she was just trying to ENCOURAGE me…..she made me want to slap her.
When I tell my husband how hard it is to come home and keep working he tells me how his mom was always able to do what she needed to do when she needed to do it….no matter what,
When I came to him and told him he needed to stop comparing me to her that it was making me dislike her….damaging my relationship with her he said “Why? Because she is a good woman and you are not???” He later sad he said no such thing….yeah right…I heard it loud and clear.
Well now he is talking divorce. Says maybe i need counseling…..individually, because as far as he can see, he isnt the problem.
I dont know what to do, Im so very down about every aspect of my life, Every minute of every day has become absolute hell.
I accept resposibility for most of this….for letting meself get here….but I just feel overwhelmed.
I guess I just needed to vent it all out, Sorry for the book.