Weddingbee boards

I didn't think I'd have to write one of these posts, but I don't know what to do and don't really have anywhere to turn. We are getting married on my FI's grandparents' farm. We've been engaged for two years, and we never took any liberties for this wedding. From the beginning, we asked what would be allowed. With one month left, FMIL, FgrandMIL, Faunt and uncleIL are all upset and don't want us to have alcohol at the reception. At first it was liability issues, which we've fully assumed responsibility for, and now it's just because it upsets Grammy. They're evangelical Pentecostal and drinking is bad. To make it more complicated, Grammy doesn't remember us asking permission. Well, it was 2 years ago, and she is 72 so I don't really know what to say to that.

We are going to have beer and wine at a campfire afterparty, not even though the entire thing and no liquor. Our guests are all responsible adults. FMIL was on the verge of tears talking about this; she's not trying to be malicious but she doesn't want Grammy upset and she disapproves of it, too. Basically, everyone is waiting for me to just roll over and say OK we won't have it. I don't know what to do. Maybe it's shallow, but it has been a sticking point of mine from the very beginning that I wanted alcohol. My family expects it, and FI and I drink. Just a drink with dinner or a drink with friends, not like partying drinking drunk. FI is ready to agree because he "doesn't want his family torn apart" and that upsets me because I think that he should stand his ground on the issue with me because it's what we decided and we're getting married. He said that he agrees and doesn't think it should be a big deal, and it shouldn't, but the fact of the matter is that it is so now what do we do about it.

My first thought was to have a dry reception and go to a bar afterwards but we can't afford that. Oh, and relevant background info is that these people have a say because we are getting married on their property (aunt and uncle are in a co-op of the farm with Gram and Pap). So either I "get my way" and have already basically been branded a bridezilla over this and it makes FI upset that his family is upset, or I give in and basically everything I've planned for 2 years is pointless. And I am so sick of hearing how it's one day and FI and I being married is important and it shouldn't matter. It's the principle of the issue. I feel like my wishes are being completely disrespected, and it's being turned around so that me daring to insist on alcohol on their property is wrong. I understand, but at this point, it's too late to move it. We would not have had the reception there at all if anyone would have spoken up in advance.

Basically, short of giving in and saying dry reception, I don't know what to do. FI and I are going to sit down with Grammy and Pappy tomorrow, but Grammy and I already had a long conversation yesterday when I thought the issue was still just liability, and I thought things were taken care of.

tl;dr: With four weeks to go, my in-laws are destroying the plans we've been working on for two years. My hands are tied and it's causing stress among FI's family and now between me and him.

@crystlrox: I think you guys should take out some kind of general liability insurance and explain that you would not have had it there in the first place if they had known!!

Already said both of those things. And I hear a lot of "I know. I see. I understand what you're saying" but then they just go right back to insisting that it should be dry. So no, really, they don't. I really feel like my only option is to give in, especially since I don't really feel like FI is supporting me. He'd rather give in than cause controversy. And I am trying to see the merit in that, but it's bigger than the alcohol. When we were deciding where to have it in the first place, I wanted to have it somewhere else because I feared something like this and he assured me it would be fine. So now it's as much just that I feel duped? I don't know the right word for it. We fought a lot over this in the beginning stages of wedding planning, and I feel like we compromised and I said I'd have it there AS LONG AS we could have alcohol. It was basically the terms of our compromise between me and FI separate of any issue with anyone else. And now I'm right back there left hanging.

@kschuwer: Thank you, I really feel like you understand what I mean.

 I just feel awful taking people to a pay for themselves at a bar when we've already sent invitations out with other plans in them. Like, oh you thought you were going to have open beer and wine at a campfire? Surprise, you're paying for yourself at a bar that you now must arrange to drive yourself to....

@squeak35: This is so frustrating because it sounds exactly like what I've been hearing all along. Maybe you skipped to the tl;dr, fair enough, but as I said, it's not just about having alcohol. I feel completely disrespected and like my wishes don't matter at this point.

@Georgia Bee: Believe me, I have been looking for an alternative for the last few hours. Everything is either booked or over our budget. We had a low budget to begin with, and I've already spent a lot of it on things for this wedding. Canceling it all has crossed my mind. That may sound extreme but I truly feel like there is no point if everyone is going to be miserable about it. And why I get so frustrated with the "it'll be beautiful anyway" comments is that I'll be unhappy. It's not that I care that much about alcohol, but I will go through the day knowing what happened and how I was treated and I will be unhappy.

Deep in my heart I already know how this is going to end and it just brings me to tears: FI is going to agree with his family, I'm going to give in to keep the peace, and I'm going to put on a happy face on the wedding day and have to suck it up. I may or may not end up being resentful to him and his entire family, but I'll bury it and move on with my life because that's how I handle disappointment.

ugh, that really sucks. :(  it IS their farm, so I guess they get final say (can I suggest telling certain friends who wouldn't have a problem with smuggling in the booze anyway???) but for your FI to take their side AFTER you said if it was "no alcohol allowed" you'd go elsewhere is WRONG.  He shouldn't be relenting AFTER you two discussed it and came to that agreement.  (I'd kinda be wondering what ELSE he'd do this with.... especially if/when kids are brought into the picture...)

I'm sooooo sorry you've gotta deal with this! Talk about a sucky situation!  (I'm still on the "smuggle in what you want by way of friends" side of things but that's just 'cause I'd be wanting to do it to spite them....;) I know, I know, bad idea....)

@Georgia Bee: This was such a nice message to get; it really lifted my spirits. Thank you.

 @squeak35: I understand; I hope I didn't come across too harsh. I realize it's still going to be beautiful and I know that the suggestions like yours are trying to work it out for everyone.

@MsFoxxy: That's the rub; we're not big drinkers anyway. If we have a glass of wine with dinner when we're out with friends once every other month, that's it! It's mostly just about how it has been handled and the principle of the issue -- they'd rather cause these problems, insult me and disrespect my wishes, and why? Because their religion frowns on drinking. That's it. It really doesn't have anything to do with me or FI or even them; when it comes to something their religion says, it doesn't matter who or what is involved or whose feelings are hurt.

 @tksjewelry: I'm sorry to hear of your last minute issues, too. Soon enough we'll be posting recaps and these stresses won't matter at least!

@Zinzerena: I agree; FI's reaction was partly why I was so upset. By the end of last night, he was completely in agreement with me. He said that I misunderstood when he said about keeping the peace, and I do understand what he's saying. I don't want to cause such problems in his family, either. We are on the same page.

Still not 100% sure what's going to happen at this point. The cost doesn't work out the same because we were just going to buy our own beer and wine and that was it. To take people to a bar would run up a much higher tab, and paying for transportation is out of the question. FSIL said that there were some freak outs before her wedding, too, and told us what worked for her in some situations, so we might try some of her advice and talk to Pappy to talk to Grammy. They have been married over 50 years and are an old-fashioned couple; what he says goes, but he still calls her The Boss. If Pappy can settle Grammy down about it, Grammy will tell FMIL to let it go and then it would be OK. Faunt/uncleIL can kiss it no matter the outcome!

Thank you to everyone for commenting and thinking of me. I appreciate the support.

@Amaryllis:  ((((HUGS)))) I hope it all works out and you get to have your fun time WITH your fav drinks!  :)  good luck and keep us posted. :)

@UrbanAlaskan: I grew up in an Irish Catholic church, too, so I feel the same way. No one is making THEM drink any. Live and let live!

There is only a little update at this point. I couldn't do it yesterday; we just needed a break from it all, so we went fishing! FI and I did have a long talk Saturday night, though, and he is completely on my side. Partly it was my misundertanding and his refusal to talk about it at first that led me to feel like he was agreeing with his family, but we are firmly united at least. I had a lot of moments of relief of "this is why I am marrying him" as he was talking. We still plan to try to talk to Gram and Pappy and see what they say, but if she won't budge, we'll be stuck with a dry reception. Anyway, there was another family event planned yesterday (kindergarten graduation party) so we weren't ready to bring up the conversations amidst it.

What a mess so close to your wedding. :( Is there a way he can appeal to them about how upset you are and how it isn't fair to make you suffer emotionally when the wedding is right around the corner? I can't imagine any family not feeling terrible that they've made the bride CRY. I certainly wouldn't want that on my shoulders! Unless they're completely heartless, maybe that would work......or mention that you both want to cancel the whole thing now, and that might force their hand?

Either way, it stinks.

@Amaryllis: I'm really glad to hear that you and FI had a good talk and that you are united and he is on your side.

I think aside from all the drama, it is great that you have a man that doesn't let his family influence him to get pitted against you.

Im sorry you have to deal with this! If it ends up that itll be a dry reception, just remember everyone there will be happy anyways cause they are there to celebrate your love!

@squeak35: lol, I know some friends who would do that! but they would probably have okayed it with the bride and groom first, though! 

@Amaryllis: I'm glad you and your FI are on the same page!  

My FI's family are strict Mormons and they do NOT believe in drinking, for ANY reason (nor do they drink coffee or tea or anything like that... yet they eat chocolate, go figure.)  BUT we are allowing our friends to have beer at the wedding, and we're going to be having shots/mixed drinks for the wedding party PRIOR to the wedding.  

I'm pretty sure the drinks will REALLY make an appearance AFTER his family vacate the reception, but I'm also sure some will have drinks during.  After all, they DO sell it in the gift shop of our venue!  If they don't like it, wellllll.... we're not gonna tell our friends they can't drink what they brought or bought.  Nor are we going to be drinking anything alcoholic in front of them.  (one more reason for NOT allowing my FMIL into the cabin while we girls are getting dressed, hehehehehehe).

Good luck and keep us updated!!!  I hope you can get your/his Pappy to agree!!!! (if not, invest in flasks...lots and lots of flasks ;) )

@stellablue5997:  Originally, I said we should have a magistrate or some such, and FI said his fam would freak out if we didn't have a religious ceremony. So we are having his Pastor but with our own ceremony wording and vows. His family never even knew about that compromise, but they know that we do not adhere to their church's beliefs.

@JoeBeth12: They're not "old." I kind of laughed at the previous comments about nursing homes because that will never happen. Pappy still works on the farm from sun up to sun down and then some. I think that what most likely happened is that Gram probably didn't like it, never said anything, and blocked it from her mind. I do think she has, at this point, forgotten.

 @Zinzerena: We weren't even pushing to have alcohol at the entire reception; we asked if we could have a campfire aftwards specifically for this purpose. By then, a lot of people will be leaving, especially the non-drinkers.

 @MightySapphire: I think it's more of a "we get our own way" than a purely "religious" thing, though I am not sure that they even recognize that in themselves. We usually don't. I am so tempted, and I guarantee my friends' husbands would be happy to oblige, but on the other hand, I don't want his entire family thinking my friends are disrespectful hellions for smuggling alcohol in, either. The entire point I have been trying to make in our previous conversations was that they ARE responsible and ARE respectful haha.

I appreciate everyone's replies. I feel bad for dragging this out, but I am not sure when we're going to talk yet because this is the first nice stretch of weather we've had all spring so everyone with the farm is running around planting, spraying, mowing hay, whatever. I kind of want to avoid it; I just feel so drained about it all. I have been avoiding his family for the last two days because I am just too tired and sad about it to be social. I wish we could find an alternate location.

@Amaryllis: hey, if you don't talk about it, it'll just eat away at you. ((((HUGS))))  been there, dealt with that, and I wouldn't wish that on any one I liked. :)  

I don't blame you for not wanting to push it just now.  Let them get their work done (or a lot of it) before bringing it up.  Otherwise, THAT will start an argument ("we've gotta get this done while the weather is nice not deal with this... the answer is no...." is what I can hear being said).  I live in an agricultural area and know good weather is REALLY important to farmers. 

Lots of hugs!  and enjoy the break while you can.  good luck!!!

I would think of each argument they will have and have a logical response to it. Address them before they can object saying "this is the plan". Maybe, just maybe you can get them to agree.

Liability? Get insurance?

People insulted? Its the after party and the non drinks will go home?

Its not that big a deal? Then its not tha big a deal to have it at the campfire.

My family doesnt drink? Well my family does drink and expects something.

Litter? We have volunteers to clean up the next day

Do they go to church? Is it possible to ask the minister if he would be offended if his congregetion attended a reception with alcohol at the AFTER party? Assuming he says no problem, use that in your argument.
 

I would also make some calls to other locations such as a Moose hall or something similar.  These places are probably open and you could host a reception there last minute and bring your own everything in for only a few hundred dollars rental fee.  It could be your last resort.