- 6 years ago
- Wedding: February 2012
My BIL and his wife have two kids, a four year old boy and a 2 year old girl. To get to the point will take a while, so I will start at the beginning. And I will call them Boy and Girl.
He was the first grandchild for both grandparents and was immediately put on an extremely high pedestal, which of course is understandable. I remember at the time observing with my Darling Husband that the families were making a very heavy rod for their backs. He never had interest in toys, always insisting to be carried. Refusing to eat, so everybody fed him crap “because it’s better he eats something rather than nothing”. If his parent were lucky he was in bed by midnight (and still now).
He was always told by the grandparents that he was a “mangas” (greek word for Geezer), laughed when he was rude, and carried him everywhere. If boy wanted to go for a car ride then that was exactly what happened. If boy decided he wanted to listen to music when everyone was watching something particular, then that’s what happened. If he didn’t want a particular person to sit at the dinner table, then they didn’t. And the lsit goes on….
Anyway when he was nearly two he had a little sister, and the jealousy began. I mean serious, scary jealosy. No one is allowed to pay attention to Girl because this upsets him. We were told that we weren’t allowed to buy toys for her for her birthday or name day because he got too jealous.
We live away, but everytime we visit they come over (and quite often we get dumped with the boy for the weekend because parents can’t cope) and when they come over It.Is.Sheer.Hell. The shouting, screaming, crying, kicking, punching, biting, scratching is constant. The girl spends her time stood in a corner petrified of moving and shakes everytime her brother comes close, also for a toddler who will be 3 in September her speaking skills are extremely undeveloped and I believe this is because she is shit-scared all the time.
He has 4+ adults chasing after him al day, trying to make him happy. “What toy does boy want? “Could it be he wants a walk?” “Maybe he’s hungry” “Let go of your sister’s throat!” “Please don’t hurt her, please!” He also hits adults and no one says anything. He came up to my Darling Husband under the table whilst we were sitting and bit him in his groin area, my Darling Husband in shock and pain reflexed and kicked the boy hard. He then stayed away from him the rest of the day. Another time he was hitting me constantly with a plastic baseball bat, and after repeated warnings that if he continued then I would chop it up. (He gave me a bloody nose for pete’s sake!) In the end I got it and got a knife and sawed it up, again once he was punished he behaved for me.
We get dumped with him often when we visit for the weekend and when we demand we do it our way with PILs (Naughty step etc, refusing to play with him when he’s naughty, giving attention to his sister and not him when he hurts her, applauding good behaviour) he is fine and calms down.
One day he was staying the weelend, when we came downstairs in the morning he was eating a plate of sugar ‘because that’s what he wanted for breakfast’. We were due to go out an hour or so later when the sugar kicked in and warned Mother-In-Law of this. She called us an hour after we left in tears because she couldn’t cope – geeesh!!!!!
Going back to the jealousy of his sister. He doesn’t talk much, and is not a happy child, unless he’s telling you how he wants to kill her. He’s woken up from sleep before and said to his father “Dad we could chop Girl’s head off and throw her in the skip – no one will know”. Another time he suggested to Father-In-Law to throw the Girl in the fire and put the safety gate so she can’t get back out and then we can be happy. The poor girl doesn’t get any attention as it is because everybody is scared to upset him. She doesn’t get toys because he doesn’t “allow” it so this jealousy thing really confuses me.
Some observations on his behaviour from what I’ve seen.
If he is playing, it will be for 2 minutes before he goes ape-crazy, breaks the toy or becomes physically violent.
He acts like a minidictator. Everything must be done his way or again he just goes crazy.
He never/very rarely smiles or laughs.
He hates children. He will always be physically violent or nasty with other kids.
What’s mine is his, what’s theirs is his, what’s yours is his and wwhat’s the girl’s is his, and what’s his is his, and if you don’t agree he will kick and thump you until you do.
SIL is at the end of her tether, and wants to seek professional help, BIL and his PILs refuse because they is ashamed. PILS and us agree with SIL and we’ve even discussed with PILs if they are forced to look after him 3 nights a week because the parents can’t cope, then they are perfectly within their rights to demand something to be done.
My mother works with kids and adults with mental difficulties and said that his symptoms fit into ADHD, but if he is not like that in school, then it may not be and a child pshycologist is the best bet.
It upsets me to see the boy like this and even more so to see the girl so freeking scared. Also on a selfish note it scares me if they don’t do something now, how he will behave towards any kids we have in the future. We are so scared that we’ve even toyed with the idea of keeping contact with him to a bare minimum, which is not something we want to do because my family are far away and I would love for my kids to have a close relationship with family, but not at the risk of their lives.
We have discussed with PILs about how all the grandparents and parents need to come together and agree on one set of rules for the boy, because a lot of confusion is caused when he hears something different all the time. Everybody agrees when they do discuss this, but nobody does it because they all believe thier way is better.
Mother-In-Law is in tears because of this, BIL and SIL are scared their marriage will break down, people have stopped inviting them with the kids to places – it’s relaly bad!