41 Year old bride, first time marriage 2 unhappy daughters

posted 3 years ago in 40 Something
Post # 3
11379 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@ss1gina:  i am in my 40’s and have an adult son from a previous relationship so i know what you are dealing with.  how was the relationship between your daughters and your fi before you announced your engagement?  do/did you all live together under one roof as a family?

Post # 4
2792 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I feel like there is more here.  Serious is not a reason to dislike him in and of itself.  How is their relationship with their biological father?  What is FI like with them?

It could also be because they are 19 and 25 and starting their own lives.  It may have nothing to do with your FI or impending marriage. Confront is such a harsh word, but since they are your children, you need more of the story.

Post # 5
122 posts
Blushing bee

“Confront” is a strong word for it, but I would definitely try to have a friendly chat with them about how they feel about it. Just keep it friendly, and open ended. Ask them how they feel – don’t say “I can tell you’re not happy” or something like that. Who knows what they’re feeling? Maybe they have an issue with him. Or maybe they have an issue with the idea of you getting married, after having known you as an unmarried lady their entire lives. Or maybe it’s something else.

It’s impossible to know without asking them… but that conversation has to be a friendly and low-pressure one for it to be an honest one.

One thing to consider… I grew up as one of two daughters of a single woman, too. (Though she was married a couple of times.) I think that especially coming from an all-female family, the addition of a man into the family can change the dynamic quite a bit. Maybe that’s it? Maybe they feel like they’re partially losing you, to him?

It’s impossible for us to tell… but having a friendly conversation should clear up quite a bit. Maybe take them one at a time, out to lunch or something, and just ask them how they feel about things. Don’t make it a confrontation.

Post # 8
11469 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

@ss1gina:  Wanting you to be happy doesn’t mean that they have to 100% support your decision. It sounds like to me that they are leary of this man for some reason, possibly due to his drinking and actions resulting from the loss. I also think there may be more to this story as well.

My mother is involved in a realtionship where is on and off again engaged. I say constantly “I just want you to be happy” but in reality I can’t stand the man. In other words I have accepted her adult decision to be with him but that doesn’t mean I have to “marry” him too. It takes every ounce of adult in me to be respectful and cordial around this man but I would never go out of my way to socialize or befriend him. It sounds like your daughters are taking the same approach.

Post # 9
11379 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@ss1gina:  my son has a great relationship with my dh but then again, they have so much in common.  perhaps your girls don’t share any common interests with your fi.

i am sure that it is very different having girls than a boy but the one thing in common is that our children just want us to be happy.   something that stuck with me was something that my son said in his speech at my wedding.  he said that he has never seen me happier.  kids know when their parent is truly happy.  do your daughters see that you are happy?


Post # 10
1102 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@ss1gina:  I am sorry they are not being supportive and happy for you. 

My mom has never married I would be thrilled if she did i ant her to have that because its an amazing part of your life and i feel she deserves all good things she done so much for me being a single mom infact i offten feel guilty that maybe i am why she dosn’t have that 


That being said when my dad got engaged i was very bitter towards him mind you his ex was nasty witch to me … she was 24 and i was 15 and she tired to get me to call her mom i hated her 


so it might just be something to do with who ended the relationship with you and their father for some reaosn i very open tot he idea of my mom re marrying but when my dad gets serious it makes me mad … mund u he tends to date people my age now (i am 27 i dont even talk to him) so its likely very dif sitch 


i would talk tio them in a low key setting and let them knwo hwo you feel and that you loveh im and this is going to happen and they should ne happy for you 

Post # 11
42135 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I raised my kids as a single parent. If I were in your situation, planning to marry again, and my kids  were 19 and 25, I wouldn’t lose any sleep over their lack of approval.

You have lived together for years, they are young adults.

Just as they don’t need my approval of their choice of partners, nor do I need theirs.

At least they are not actively objecting. That would be totally hypocritical of them.

Post # 12
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Almost two years ago he lost his father and started drinking heavily. That last about 3 months then I put my foot down and told him he needed to stop and get help or we needed to part ways.

I would be worried, too, if my Mom were marrying a recently sober alcoholic!

Post # 13
1175 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@ss1gina:  I think sometimes, kid are just kids.  Sometimes there is jealousy issues, or maybe they just don’t know how they are supposed to feel with you getting married.


I am 43, and have a son 22 and a daughter 18.  And while they do support our decison to marry, they are not really over the top excited about it.  On most days, my youngest thinks I have lost my mind.


I would try to sit them down, and talk with them.  I would do this without your SO, and see if they will open up to you.  Maybe there is something that has happened or is going on you don’t know about.  But I am leaning more towards they just don’t know how to react.  Maybe they are in disagreement because of their father?  


By no means am I suggesting that you don’t go forward with your plans.  Good luck!


Post # 15
18 posts
  • Wedding: October 2014

My mother got re-married in March (the day before her 40th birthday). I’m 23, with 2 younger sisters (21 and 16 at the time). My mother and her husband had been together about 7 years as well.

I have to say, it was really hard for me to be happy for my mom. Her husband isn’t a bad guy, he’s not abusive or anything like that. However, we don’t get along. If it wasn’t for the fact that he’s with my mom, I wouldn’t associate with him in anyway. His views, his opinions, his personality, totally different from my own, so that makes it hard to like him. I tolerate him.

He moved in with us when I was 16. Having 2 younger sisters, and me being the oldest, I guess I just felt like I had to protect them, and he’d make fun of my younger sister all the time, and he’d yell at my youngest for the stupidest stuff, things that he’d do himself. So, I guess with that it made me a little resentful towards him. I would say that’s why it was hard to be happy and accept that my mom was getting married. But, now that it’s over, it’s not so bad.

But anyways, I guess what I’m trying to say is, it’s just really hard. Especially if it was just you three for a while, and he came into the picture. Just like a parent may feel that their child’s partner is not good enough, even if it seems unreasonable, it can work the other way around too. So, I wouldn’t ‘confront’ them. Give them some space to sort out their feelings. I’m sure they’ll come around. 

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