Post # 1
I have never written on a board about my relationship, but I could use others thoughts on this. I have been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years (come the end of May). I admit that I bring up marriage alot, especially since alot of our friends are getting engaged. I always seem to get mixed answers from my boyfriend in regards to marriage. Everytime I seem to bring up a ring, etc. my boyfriend and I end up getting into a fight.
We lived together last year for a whole year which was great. When it was time to resign our lease my b/f told me that he wants to live on his own since he never has. He went to college and then law school but always lived at home. He said that he liked living together, there was just something about living alone and being independent that he wanted to experience. So my boyfriend has lived alone for the past 5 months and does like living alone. I asked him last week if he has put any thought into whether we’d move back in together again and our future. He didn’t really have an answer for me. He’d say that he hasn’t really thought about the future, since he feels like his whole life thus far had been planned out (the going to school part for 7 years). When I ask about our future he says that he could see us together, he just doesnt know when. It could be a month from now we get engaged or a few years. (Then after having this latest talk, a commercial comes on about engagment rings and my boyfriend says that’s the ring I’d get you….confusing, right?!) Then after/during our talks he’ll say well, I dont want to promise anything, and then have it not happen. This “fight” we talked about maybe he needs to see other people since I’ve been his first long term relationship, but he said he doesnt want to be with anyone else. Then he mentioned being friends because we keep getting inthe same argument (his “I dont know” answers about the future) but I said I couldnt be his friend now but maybe in a year or two. Neither of us liked that, so we are trying to figure this out. We decided to give it another 4 months and I asked if he thought he could figure something out…so, we’ll see… Other than talking about marriage, we get along well. He calls me from work everyday and we talk during the night. I only go over his apartment once during the week and on the weekends. I have tried giving him his space, it just hurts me that he is so unsure about our future.
I have made a promise to myself that I will not talk about marriage for a few months and see where things lead. I’m not sure if my mentioning it makes it such a raw topic.
I’d appreciate some advice on this. I have friends telling me to leave him if he can’t figure it out. But then, I feel like I should wait a bit longer-I’m not looking to get married right now, I just want to know he sees a future with me. I do have friends who have gotten engaged, some have been with their SO for 4 years and some for 6 years…..
Also, when we have these “fights” that almost lead to a breakup my boyfriend will say I really don’t think this is the end…
I just feel sooo lost…….
Post # 3
This is hard. My gut reaction is that if he thinks he needs space and is unsure about whether he wants to be with you, you should break things off. You can’t completely give someone space when you are still in their life on weekends and once during the week. It sounds like he has a lot of stuff he needs to figure out on his own. My main concern with your story is not even that he isn’t sure that he wants to get married to you, but that he wanted to live apart after you had already lived together and were in a serious relationship. I don’t know… I just don’t think that’s really normal for someone who wants to be with you long-term.
Post # 4
I would have never moved out. It’s over.
You’re talking about getting married and he is talking about living alone. I don’t get why you are confused. I know I sound harsh, but this just seems silly.
Post # 5
So wait- he moved out after you both lived together for a while? Ummmm… sorry but that is your answer right there- you are wasting your time. I have never heard of ANYONE moving out for the experience AFTER they have already lived with a serious girlfriend- if things aren’t moving forward, you are moving no where and he is wasting your time. Regardless of if the topic is marriage or not, you are wasting your time progressing this relationship to even get to that point. I second breaking things off with him. Let him figure out what he wants but you also need to figure out what you want as well because you seem wish washy on it as well.
If I were you, I would continue seeing him but leaving the door open to date others as well.
Post # 6
I’m sorry…I agree with the PP’s…you are being used and are no where near an engagement with this guy. The best thing would be to move on, IMO. Good Luck.
Post # 7
@Jackie84: I, sadly, have to agree with the other Bees. As I read your post, my stomach kept sinking….and sinking….and sinking. The first thing that jumped out at me was that you guys lived together and then he moved out. Um…what? Right there, that’s a BIG sign! That’s a big backwards step in a relationship. Now he’s saying he doesn’t know if/when you’ll be together and he wants to maybe just be friends? After 4 and a half years, this is a very unfortunate place for a relationship to be. I hate to say it, but I think it’s over 🙁
Post # 8
I don’t think he wants to get married. I think he wants to live a single bachelor life and have a “date” every weekend.
Seems like you want different things.
Post # 9
I’m sorry to say that I have to agree with the PPs. Your SO moved out, and that’s when it would have been over for me. He wanted the experience of living alone? No problem…you’ll also have the experience of being single while living alone. And if you want to see other people…go right ahead, but I won’t be waiting here for you when you find out the grass isn’t greener.
I think you should have broken this off a long time ago. It sounds as if he likes having a girlfriend around, but he doesn’t want to commit at all.
Post # 10
You need to follow Mr. Bees Plan. Give him his freedom–let him go. If you don’t, you might end up like another recent poster who’s husband wanted to sleep around because he never had the freedom in his single days.
Post # 11
Uh, what? If my FI had moved out while we were dating I would have told him to just keep walking. I can’t imagine any reasoning in the world that would have justified that to me. If he loved you enough to get married it would have been impossibly painful for him to have to move away from you after one year.
Post # 12
Unfortunately, I have to say that I agree with the other ladies as well. I live with my BF and him moving out, but us continuing the relationship would just never be an option. As I kept reading your post, I had to remind myself that you all have been together for 4.5 years because what you’re describing doesn’t seem like behavior that should be occuring. In my opinion, at this point in a relationship saying things such as, “I don’t want to promise you anything and it not happen”, mentioning being just friends, moving out, etc. is all a bit much. I get the distinct feeling that you’re just being led on.
Post # 14
i’m so sorry hun but it just doesn’t sound like you’ll get an engagement from him. his uncertainty just shows that he’s not ready at all. it really seems that he wants his space but is too afraid to fully let go because you have been together a long time. i completely agree with @eleanorrigby 🙁
Post # 15
I’ve always figured if things got to where I’d move out (or he would) enough would seriously be wrong to where that’d pretty much be it.
I think your SO wants his space more than he wants to be in a relstionship. This probably has little to do with you personally, than it does with him and his level of independence and maturity – he’s wanting to be Mr. Barchelor right now, and that can’t include a serious GF. If you still want to see him now and then, that’s up to you, but I wouldn’t hang a lot of hope on him being ready for the level of committment you want for a long time. Simply tell him that you’re not getting the committment you want from him, so you guess you should both see other people now and then, because he’s telling you by his actions that he’s not really that into the current relationship. If things work out later, as they have for some ladies on here, great. If not, you know where you both stand and you can maybe spend time learning about other people who might be closer to what you want in life.
Post # 16
the PP’s are right him asking you move out was your signal after 4.5 he should be more sure then he is. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is make a clean break and move on your only going to hurt yourself more if you stay