Post # 1
My brother informed me TODAY that he doesn’t like my FI. I asked why- he is abrasive, arrogant and controlling. I asked for specifics. He said he wasn’t the only one who felt this way but wouldn’t tell me who or what anyone else said. No specifics except “I don’t come around as much.” Over the last few years, I have noticed a lot of unhealthy, controlling behaviors of my family so I have been around less. My FI isn’t warm and fuzzy, but is kind, loyal, smart, and while raised very differently than me, he always works with me to solve disagreements and problems. I don’t need this 5 days before the wedding! (FYI- my friends like him, so this isn’t everyone but me.) Do I tell my fiance? I don’t keep secrets from him, but what good can come of this?
Post # 3
Do not tell him. My parents aren’t super crazy about my guy. They don’t dislike him, but they don’t think he’s “the one.” It really hurts my feelings because although he was raised differently than me and I guess has a “different” personality than my family… he is the sweetest guy ever! My friends like my guy as well, so we’re in the same situation. At least your family (except your bro) has the good taste to keep their mouth shut. Of course there is also the possibility that it is jUST your brother and he made up the “others” so he wasn’t alone.
Regardless, if this is not something you’re hearing from everyone (If your friends didn’t like him as well I’d say ok maybe reevaluate why he makes such a bad impression, but if it is just a few that is different), I’d just let it go. Knowing your bro’s/fam’s feelings can’t help your FI and it might make him even more distant when he hangs out with them.
I’m so sorry that your bro dropped this on you now. ((hugs))
Post # 4
I wouldnt tell your FI but Im sorry you are going through this! Maybe your brother is just upset that you dont come around often anymore and feels the need to blame your FI? I know you said your family has controlling behaviors but maybe you can start making an effort to do stuff with your family more after the wedding, with your new husband.
Post # 5
Don’t tell him. Keep in mind that you have decades of memories with your family. Your FI only has a few years. His relationship with them doesn’t have the foundation to withstand that kind of news- and it would make it impossible for him to develop any kind of pleasant relationship with them if he knew.
Post # 6
I agree, don’t tell your fiance. There is no point in doing so and it would only hurt him.
Why did this come up with your brother right now? That seems a little rude that 5 days before your wedding when you have a million things to do and think about, he lays this on you. There may be issues you need to address in the future, AFTER your wedding!
Try not to focus on this. You have a big, wonderful day coming up! 🙂
Post # 7
I agree, don’t tell him. Let it go – your wedding is in five days, you don’t need to worry about this. You love him, he loves you, you’re happy – that’s what counts. If your family really didn’t like him they probably would have hinted or told you by now. I would just let it go until after the wedding, but definitely don’t tell your FI.
Post # 8
There’s a possibility that your family will start liking him later on. If you tell him they don’t like him, it will probably lessen the chance that he will be open and warm to them, thus causing tension between your family and your soon-to-be husband/you.
As long as you are 100% sure that you love him and want to be with him for the rest of your life, get married and don’t think about what your brother says… He’s not the one that has to live with your soon-to-be husband. 🙂
EDIT: I read an older post of yours: “My fiance and I were raised very differently from each other, and we think differently from each other. Wedding is in nine days. and I am worried if I am marrying the right person.” Does your family have a valid point in not liking him?
Post # 9
I really think that is just cold feet. I second guess what color car I buy- and this is a much bigger decision, so hearing this is really hard. Yes, we are very different in some ways, but we really do complement each other. Yes, this can lead to arguments, but we are both committed and he is GREAT at working with me. I think this is due to 3 things:
1. he is not warm and fuzzy- just not his nature. He shows me he cares by reading articles about health conditions of mine and getting the vitamins they suggest might help and things like that.
2. when they keep doing crappy stuff to me and I cry on his shoulder, I think it makes him less kind to them
3. I have realized their unhealthy patterns and spend less time around them and don’t let them push me around as much, and they blame him.
But this really sucks!
Post # 10
If YOU have doubts, I’d seriously consider them. However, I was NOT fond of my brother-in-law when my sister decided to marry him. Even as the wedding approached I still didn’t think he was that great. It wasn’t until I went and visited them in their own home and saw how wonderfully he treats her and what a wonderful woman she has become since having him in her life that I can fully appreciate him. Don’t tell the Fiance. In fact, if you and the people you trust are confident, I would just tell yourself that Brother needs to grow up. *HUGS* 🙁
Post # 11
Well then, if you think you’re family is the problem, then ignore your brother! I don’t know anything about your family, but it does seem like a bully tactic to not once mention that “no one likes your fiance” and then wait until just before the wedding to disclose it. He could’ve been lying about everybody else not liking him, especially since he refused to give names. He could also be jealous of your fiance (is he smarter? better looking? etc.). On the other hand, he could just be a jerk, and enjoy hurting your feelings.
Be happy about what you have, and look forward to your wedding. Don’t let your brother stress you out – gosh he could give you a zit or something! 😉
Post # 12
Don’t tell your FI. He probably already senses some lack of love from the family and you confirming this will not help their relationship in the long run.
Your family will learn to love/accept him as they see your happiness (in theory, at least!)
My FI is not my family’s choice for me – so I definitely know what you are going through. It WILL get better as they realize how happy you are.
Your brother also may be lashing out with the ‘nobody likes him’ type comment because he feels like he’s losing you. Don’t take his statement as blanket truth for your entire family – because he can only speak for himself. It’s adjustment for all involved, and perhaps the most healthy one for you (as you’ve noted).
And, in a sibling side note – I never really liked any of my siblings choice for mate – but, I’ve come to love them as people and they are very much part of our family. It just goes with the territory. This choice is not for your brother to make. It totally sucks that he doesn’t love your FI, and it’s good to hear people out on what they observe. But, at the end of the day, it’s your choice about who and what issues you choose to deal with for the rest of your life (good, bad or otherwise). If you are ok with not having the typical warm/fuzzy and can receive love from your FI in the ways he is able to express them, then that’s the biggest thing!
Post # 13
Just got text from another brother who heard 2nd hand from someone who might have dated him that he is controlling and manipulative, also supposedly all my siblings have concerns. I can’t deal with this!!!!!!!!
Post # 14
I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to deal with this so close to your wedding day.
If you are having your own doubts, you should try to talk with someone who you can trust that is NOT in your family. Someone who knows you well enough to know if these accusations are true.
But if this is something that is from your family and your family alone, try not to let it stop you from being part of the family. Don’t tell your FH, because I’m sure that he has a feeling already on some level.
I hope you can sort this out soon. Wish you all the best
Post # 15
<<Just got text from another brother who heard 2nd hand from someone who might have dated him that he is controlling and manipulative, also supposedly all my siblings have concerns. I can’t deal withthis!!!!!!!!>>
I know you are going through a rough time but look at what you just wrote. That’s like my friends cousins uncle father in laws uncles nephew heard…
<<1. he is not warm and fuzzy- just not his nature. He shows me hecares by reading articles about health conditions of mine and gettingthe vitamins they suggest might help and things like that.
2. when they keep doing crappy stuff to me and I cry on his shoulder, I think it makes him less kind to them>>
Just because your guy is different from your family doesn’t make it wrong. Of course he’s different! We weren’t all raised the same. Different = different. Different does not = WRONG.
1. We all show each other how we care in a ton of ways. Just because it’s not how you or your brother would do it, doesn’t make it wrong.
2. I’m the same exact way. I see my FMIL constantly hurting FI and it makes me really angry; in fact more angry than the way she treats me.
If YOU have valid concerns talk to a neutral third party.
Post # 16
My brothers last night planned a “let’s all sit down and discuss this,” which would be a emotional beating. I talked to three friends, who all said that while he is not warm and fuzzy, there are no red flags, and one of them even told me (in a nice way) that I am more controlling than him. All three said to go ahead and marry him, and these are much healthier people. I talked to my mother this morning who says “oh, they just love you,” and does recognize that it is poor judgment. Apparently, there was one comment FI made about my brother (who EVERYONE insults constantly) that if anyone else would have made, would probably have been fine. My brothers keep badgering me to sit down and talk with them, but I have spoken to them about their concerns, and they all are “abrasive, arrogant (FI has a problem hearing the tone he uses an tries to work on it but doesn’t know how, but not mean-spirited) and controlling, which all my friends say he is so not. He has a very strong personality, but when I raise good points, he listens and sometimes changes his mind. Trying to get a little more support from healthy people who know my FI. (The longest relationship most of my siblings have had is 3 months, and these are people 26-32.)
Also, I am getting sick. This is a hard week!