(Closed) 5 weeks out from the wedding…and feeling the sting of my mother’s absence ):

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
638 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2007

All I have is *hugs* for you.  No real advice.

My husband has a similar relationship with his dad.  His sister did not tell or invite him to her wedding.  We did – but only because he has 4 young kids (hubby’s half-siblings) we try to keep in touch with and knew they’d love to be there. Since the wedding the *shit* has hit the fan similar to your situation (jail/divorce etc) and he’s cut off all ties with his dad. We still get to see the half-siblings (since they don’t see the dad either). I know hubby has a constant love/hate struggle with his feelings towards his dad and it’s so hard to watch. He doesn’t want anything to do with him – yet feels guilty over those feelings too. Feelings I wish no one had to struggle with.

I hope you figure out what will bring you peace and have an absoultely beautiful wedding day!

Post # 4
Member
581 posts
Busy bee

I’m sorry your mom wasn’t able to be the kind of mother you and your sister needed.  I’m so glad you have had your father to protect and support you and that your fmil has been there to help you with the wedding planning.

You deserve a wedding that is based on love and support and is free of worry.  Should you invite your mother, it may invite an influence that is not supportive of your ideal day.  She doesn’t seem to be able to protect you and your needs and wishes.  Inform her of your marriage by sending her a note after you are home from your honeymoon.  Because of her past behavior and inability to protect you, you should not feel obligated to invite her.

Sometimes the greatest and most loving members of our “family” are not biological family members.  I’m sure you will be surrounded by loving people as you marry your FI.  Donot focus on what is missing, focus on what you have.

Best wishes.

Post # 5
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Though it is not quite the same, I can relate to you in some ways. My mother is deceased and like you I experienced some of the same feelings missing my mother’s presence terribly during wedding planning.

Don’t feel ungrateful for your FMIL because the reality is no matter how wonderful someone is or how much they love you, no one can replace your mother and no one can fill her shoes especially during one of the most important times of your life. What you are feeling is completely natural and its ok to be dissappointed. My advice is whatever you decide as it relates to her coming to the wedding. Try to get all of your feelings out BEFORE the wedding. You do not want all of these pinned up emotions coming to the surface on a day you should be happy and celebrating. Writing a letter even if you do not mail it until after the wedding may be a way to get some of your feelings out.

BEST WISHES to you and husband! Do whatever it takes for you to enjoy this monent. You deserve to enjoy your special day!

 

Post # 6
Member
303 posts
Helper bee

I’m so sorry. I have no advice to offer, except to say that having had a painful relationship with my father, and feeling the sting of our broken relationship at important moments, I understand how hard it can be.

I guess the important thing is to focus on cultivating meaningful relationships with the  people around you, and getting emotional encouragement and support through those relationships. They will never be a replacement for the relationship with your mother (and nor do they have to be!) , but they’re valuable in their own way. Good luck and best wishes.

Post # 7
Member
531 posts
Busy bee

I’m so sorry. I spoke with another bride who went through her wedding without her mother. She said it was like a death – she had to go through the grieving process for each one of those moments her mother “should” have been there and it was emotionally draining. It was helpful for me to hear the couple had been happily married for many years and came to a tenuous reconciliation (which I can only pray my mother and I will). My thoughts are with you – you are blessed to have a supportive FI and FMIL and to be creating a beautiful new family.

Post # 9
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee

@LilMissSteiggy:

I wish you a beautiful and joyous wedding day.  I hope that you have a daughter that you can form the bonds with to experience the mother and daughter bond you should have had.  Best Wishes.

Post # 10
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Im so sorry 🙁 *Hugs to you*

Though its a completely different situation, I also will have to go through the entire wedding planning experience without my mom. And she’s not going to be there on my big day. I hope you can talk to her and make things work. Im sorry 🙁

Post # 11
Member
1805 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

@sudslover: said “Sometimes the greatest and most loving members of our “family” are not biological family members.  I’m sure you will be surrounded by loving people as you marry your FI.  Donot focus on what is missing, focus on what you have.”

Which pretty much sums up what I was going to say!

I really feel for you and we have similar situations. My FI’s mom was neglectful and abusive from FIs earliest memories.  She lived a mile from us for a year and never once called or came by, not even on the kids’ birthdays or my FI’s birthday, and there was no estrangement or fighting… she just doesn’t care!  It’s out of sight, out of mind for her.  She hasn’t seen her granddaughter in 5 years and could care less but when she does see FI (which we don’t do on purpose, but she actually works at our college) then she’s all lovey dovey and full of sappy crap, so it really messes with my FI’s emotions.

With me, my own mother was a good mother once…. but as she has aged she’s become increasingly mentally unstable and has, unfortunately, developed an alcohol problem (she is 68 years old) and my brother and I are both estranged from her, with only occasional contact, because she is painful to be around (mean, hateful).  She actually told my brother a month ago that she should have aborted him!  That’s awful enough but coming from someone we both remember once being kind, loving, and supportive…i.e. when she was a “normal mom”, it’s really hard because it’s a definite loss.

I spent many years wishing I’d had a good father, instead of appreciating my gem of a brother who was like a father to me, and I know it’s hard because I will go through all of this wedding stuff without any mom input.  It’s sad that she was more involved when I married the first time and she HATED my first husband (everyone did!) but still got into it with me… and now I know she won’t participate at all and most likely won’t be at the wedding. It saddens me because I’ve finally met the person meant for me and I wish she could be happy about that and be involved and all those other “mom” things .  I wish my FI had family to be around now too.. but we do have each other, and our own little “created” family.

 

I am rambling, my apologies, but I wanted to let you know you are not alone and I am another who feels for you and understands!

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