- 7 years ago
- Wedding: August 2010
I apologize if this is long, but I just really need to vent. None of this really began bothering me too bad until last month or so…and since then, I just have been feeling worse and worse about it.
Well, I am five weeks away from the biggest, most important day of my life. The day I marry the man I’ve loved for the past 6 years, and will love for the rest of my life. And my mother isn’t part of it.
Let me back up a bit and give a little bit of history. My parents divorced when I was 10 (my sister was 3…I’m now 24). My mother took a job in a larger city in our state, and my dad decided to stay in a rural town close to our hometown, 200 miles away. I lived with my dad until I was about 13 (ever the daddy’s girl), but then I decided to move in with my mom, sister, and new stepdad. And what a nightmare that was. Turns out, her new ‘dream man’ was physically and verbally abusive to not only my mother, but to us kids as well. He didn’t have a job (my mother works for the state, and makes a good salary), but is a self professed ‘hustler’…got my mom into drugs and even offered them to me and my little sister! He often told my sister and I that if we ever told our dad about what went on, he’d kill us. At 13 or 14 years old, you believe that kind of thing. Well, long story short, my stepdad’s hobby of beating women and selling drugs got him landed in jail for a while. I thought things would be okay…I figured my mom would figure it out and leave him. No such luck. Skipping some long, rather gory details, my sister and I went to visit my dad right before my stepdad got out of jail. I didn’t want to go back…and told my dad everything. Of course he was positively LIVID that something like that could happen and he have no clue about it. He filed for an emergency change of placement for my sister and I, and was of course granted that, followed by full custody. It was ruled in court that my stepdad not be near us until he completed an anger management course, and that our mother could only visit us with supervision.
Fast forward a few years. Over those years, my mother blamed ME of course for social services periodically checking in on her (she has 2 kids by my stepdad, of course they would check up on her following the incident with us!). She blamed ME for tearing her family apart. Her parents, my grandparents, shunned me. Instead of taking a step back and realizing that yes, I brought light to the horrible situation we were in, it was my STEPDAD that caused it all to happen. They would send birthday cards and Christmas cards to my sister, but never to me all through my teenage years. It hurt but I eventually learned to accept it over time. My mother and I talked only breifly throughout the period of 7 years a so, and I saw her only twice. She never apologized to me or my sister for the things she allowed to happen (I know it sounds like she was a victim, and she was, but shehad her faults as well…such as being 8 months pregnant and sending me out at 14 years old to buy her pot).
Fast forward 2 more years. My grandparents still wont talk to me, but my mother emails me out of the blue. Being older and more forgiving, I was civil. We actually got to a point where we were checking in on eachother via email nearly everyday. I made it clear she was not to bring up her husband to me (she tried to tell me he cared about me a few times, leading me to that request). She eventually obeyed that, and we got along great. Well, then one day, she and I got into an argument over the phone about something or another (I believe it had something to do with the fact she was taking my dad on a phony contempt charge…the case got thrown out when it did come before the judge), and her husband piped up in the background, calling me all kinds of horrible names. I put it on speaker for FI to hear, and he told me to tell that guy to shut up and hang up. So I did. And that was the last I heard of my mother until that day we went to court for the pre-mentioned contempt charge (I had to be there as my dad has MS and isn’t always capable of driving). She made it clear before we went into the courtroom that she had no desire to see my wedding. Or her future grandchildren.
Well…fast forward 6 more months, and here I am feeling horrible about the fact that I don’t have a mother taking part in all the special wedding details. Don’t get me wrong, my FMIL is amazing. She is like a mother to me…she was there when I bought my dress, she has helped me with everything along the way. But it’s just not the same (I hate saying that. I sound like a child complaining…but I can’t help it). I went for my first fitting, and came home in tears because my MOTHER should have been there. As I was doing my invites, I wanted to cry because she should have been there. All through this engagement, I would have loved to have my mother there to call if I needed her for a question, or a concern, or with jitters. I know I have a wonderful FMIL, and I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I just…..am missing that mother/daughter connection. FI tries to understand, but he comes from a steady family background and just…can’t relate. Is it silly of me to be so sad over the fact that my mother isn’t around, even though it’s probably better that way? I was thinking of contacting her and letting her know that I’m getting married on August 7th. Just to let her know the date. I don’t really want her there, unless she can leave that monster she is married to at home. I don’t want drama at the wedding…but what girl doesn’t want her mom there? Ugg. I just don’t know what to do, or how to feel.
Sorry this was so long…and if you got through it…thanks for your time!