5 year relationship – not sure what to do

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
812 posts
Busy bee

I’m sorry you are going through this, but unless you want to deal with this for your entire life, leave. Give him back his ring and leave. 

Do you want to be with a man who allows his family to walk all over him and allows them to physically ABUSE you? I’d of been out the door the second he didn’t stand up for me after his nephew hit me. 

What are your reasons for staying?

Post # 3
Member
2017 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

maxfluffy:  Your situation is odd. Do you want children in the future? If you do then drop this guy and either stay in the U.S. and find someone else or go back to Germany if that’s what your heart tells you.

I don’t think you should stay with this man if marriage is what you want. He isn’t movtivated to marry you after 5 years. It’s not in your best your interest to tie yourself down with a mortgage to him. Moving within 5 minutes of his parents at 45 years old? Girl, move on from this man-child.

Post # 4
Member
80 posts
Worker bee

Do NOT buy a house with him. His family member abused you, and he told you to let it go?! That is insane! Your gut instinct is telling you something here, follow it.

Post # 5
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee

You need to put your FOOT DOWN. You need to tell him that NONE of this is acceptable! Just lay it all out there! Tell him his nephew PHYSICALLY ABUSED you and he barely reacted! This is messed up! And you DON’T know that they will start paying. DO NOT buy a house with him, do not even MARRY him yet….tell him if he wants anything to move foward….or to even keep you….things need to start changing. And not him telling you things are gonna change, you actually seeing things changing! If he doesn’t care about what’s important to you in living your life with him, what type of man are you with???????

Post # 6
Member
5236 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2050

maxfluffy:  This man has been showing you for 5 years that you are his 7th priority, behind himself, his mom, dad, sister, niece, and nephew. Do you want to be someone’s 7th priority for the rest of your life? He’s showing you who he is — believe him! At 45 years old, he is not going to change. It’s tempting to think “he’ll change, if only he loves me enough/he sees what he’ll be missing/I could get him to understand”. He is not going to change, not for you, not for anyone. You deserve better than to work hard so your boyfriend’s sibling’s unemployed children can sleep all day without being bothered by jobs, and better than a boyfriend who says “oh, hey, don’t mind my nephew, he just assaults people every now and then, don’t make a big deal out it, ok?” You deserve better.

  • This reply was modified 2 years ago by  Daisy_Mae.
Post # 7
Member
3541 posts
Sugar bee

maxfluffy:  I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this.  the very fact that his nephew hit you and he’s told you to get over it.  Like a PP said, he’s 45 years old and shows no signs of changing who he is. His reaction to how his nephew treated you is a big sign that he clearly doesn’t have any thoughts on how you feel.  I would definitely leave this relationship and go back home.  I know it’s hard, after 5 years together, but he’s showing to you, you are not his main priority and you may never be.

Post # 8
Member
5839 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

maxfluffy:  Why you want to marry a guy who puts everyone else in front of you? Are you prepared for the situation to never change? Yeah, he may move out of that house and into one with you. But emotionally, he will always be in that other house. A man that wants to marry you does not need to be begged, demanded or reminded of his responsibility to  you. A man who is worthy of marrying you will always but your happiness (and safety) first. 

The only think you have to decide is whether or not you want to stay in the US. 

Post # 10
Member
876 posts
Busy bee

First you say:

I moved to the US from Germany in 05 and am a citizen by now. All my family is back in Germany. The last 5 years I have a relationshhip with my man<br /><br />Then you say:

i could walk and go back to germany and start new with 33 or buy a house with him but risk that his strong ties with his fanily will ruin our relationship in the long run anyways.

in germany i have my family and friends. here i have no one but him

You aren’t making sense. You are presenting it as though those are your only two options. Stay with him or go back to Germany. But you spent the first several years in the US not being in a relationship with him, right? So why don’t you feel that is an option? You are deliberately leaving that off the table because it makes it easier for you to delude yourself into staying with him.

You have plenty of options. But it looks like you really want an excuse to stay with him but not take responsibility for it. You want to do what you want to do and blame other people for it.

This relationship is going to be nothing but dysfunction and drama. You know that. And you’d be crazy to sign up for this for life. You can do what zillions of other women have done and end the relationship and just continue on with your life. If you are employed and paying expenses at your BF’s house, you can rent a room somewhere and move out. Once you get your act together, you can rent an apartment. You are paying to stay at your BF’s house, right?

I mean, you’re 33. Do what you have to do to stand on your own two feet and get your life together. Worry about doing that first and then maybe a healthy relationship will follow.

<br /><br />

 

Post # 11
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

Why are you with him?? Your last reply did it for me. Don’t expect him to change. Ever. I’m so sorry. I would leave. NOW.

Post # 12
Member
5839 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

maxfluffy:  Your emotional mind is thinking that if he makes these exterior changes (marries you, buys a house with you) that the interior will change. It will not. “When someone shows you who they are, beleive them”

So even if he makes the exterior changes of marrying you or buying a house with you, you still wont be #1 in his life. He will put his family and their needs above your own. The only thing that will be different is that you will feel trapped and wondering how you got into this mess and how difficult it will be to get out of it. 

If he wasnt a factor, would you want to stay in the US or move back home?

Post # 13
Member
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

maxfluffy:  I would get away from that train wreck and break up and find my own place or move back to Germany. Sounds miserable.

Post # 14
Member
5236 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2050

maxfluffy:  “then the little devil says “what if he changes? he is at least NOW willing to buy a house with me”

He won’t though. I guarantee you. It took 5 years and one of his family members battering you before he agreed to buy a house. With the stipulation that it be 5 minutes or less from his real home. So, he’s not changing, he’s capitulating and agreeing to the minimal amount he can do to keep you around for comfort, companionship, sex, whatever else you provide (not sure if you’re the cooking & cleaning type, but if so, he gets that too). That’s not changing. You seriously have to accept that if you stay with this man, you are choosing to live the life he has shown you for the past 5 years. I’ve seen this happen over and over to friends and family. People waste 5, 10, 20 years waiting for someone to change. The someone NEVER changes.

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