5 years, 1 child, no proposal

posted 2 years ago in Proposals
Post # 2
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee

I think with each person it boils down to personal morals and beliefs…but I personally would not have any more children until marriage. When you think about it- children are the ultimate commitment and if he wants to do that, then why wouldn’t he want to be married to you? If he doesn’t want to be married, then having more children is downright irresponsible IMO. As long as you two have a loving, trusting and stable relationship why shouldn’t he want to get married? Don’t have any more kids until he puts a ring on it. 🙂

Post # 3
Member
2017 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

piratecalm:  Are you looking to have a large wedding? I ask because you could probably say something like lets get engaged soon have a small ceremony or courthouse wedding in January time frame. Then you can start TTC by Feb-Mar next year and have a baby around this time next year. Maybe explaining it out in those terms would get you both to your desired end goals?

I feel for you but he’s definitely in a comfortable place and I’m sure doesn’t see the need to “fix what isn’t broken”. Good luck girl!

Post # 4
Member
349 posts
Helper bee

You are definitely within your rights to not want to plan a pregnancy with someone you’re not engaged or married to. If you feel very strongly about it you should approach him. I wouldn’t say you’re “not ready” because that isn’t true, I’d tell him that you want to be engaged/married before you expand your family. 

Post # 6
Hostess
2787 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

piratecalm:  my first thought after reading this post: “if he gets mad nd drops the subject on proposals, I would get mad and drop the subject on baby number 2”. Obviously it wont turn out that way, so I would suggest telling him that you are not going for a second baby until you’re married (if that is of course what you want), I would say it in a good way of course, but he has to know where you stand, becuase he has no problems letting you know where he stands. 

Post # 7
Member
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

To me, children and marriage are 2 completely separate issues.  As you describe, you have a strong relationship and he is a great father.  He clearly wants to spend his life with you as a family if he wants another child.  For lots of people, marriage is just not a priority and choosing not to marry is no reflection on his level of love or commitment.  Another PP saying “basically why wouldn’t he want to marry” is very over-simplistic and disrespectful to his feelings, just as you might feel that he is disrepsecting yours.  Coming from a home that didn’t model a healthy marriage can really change someone’s perspective on how important or unimportant a legal marriage is.  It’s not wrong of him to have that perspective, just as it’s not wrong for you to have yours (ie. that you want to be married).  On the other hand, if you feel it’s important to you to be married then you need to decide what your bottom line is and how you’re willing to negoiate/compromise to get there.  

There is no right or wrong in this situation.  There seems to be 2 adults who love one another and are committed; one who values having another child more than marriage and one who values marraige before another child.  The right thing would be to try at meet somewhere in between.

Post # 8
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

piratecalm:  

If you want to get married before having another child, do not have another baby until you become husband and wife. Your boyfriend needs to compromise if he wants you to have another child. I have seen too many men string their children’s mothers along for years because the women give all the perks of marriage without the commitment. 

I completely understand how growing up with bad examples of marriage can sour someone’s opinion on it. I never wanted to get married until I met my husband. I didn’t want to end up like my mother; an overworked slave who put up with a lazy cheating husband because of her kids. Luckily, my husband does not treat me the way my dad treated my mother. 

My husband and I are childfree. If we wanted kids, I would not have any until after I was married because that is the way I was raised. It was beat into my head: “Never become a mother before you become a wife.” 

Post # 9
Member
1899 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - TTC #2

PositiveThinking:  FossilLady:  lexie1114:  +1

OP, if you don’t want to have another child without marriage, don’t let yourself be pressured into it. If he took you ring shopping do you think he could be planning it and just waiting for you not to mention marriage? Is he the kinda guy who likes to plan surprises?

Post # 10
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

MrsYoshida:  

I think ring shopping and telling the OP not to propose is a good indication of an impending proposal.

 

Post # 11
Member
1062 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I think you should drop the subject about marriage. If you two already went ring shopping, he probably plans on proposing soon. A proposal will seem less special if someone is being pressured to do it.

In regards to having a 2nd child, just put your foot down about not wanting another child until after you two are married. This is one of those issues where you have to be blunt. Stand your ground if he brings up the topic, but don’t be argumentative about it.

Post # 12
Member
361 posts
Helper bee

piratecalm:  I can really relate to you. Such similar experiences.  My now FI and I are going on 6 yrs together in February and our son just turned 4 yrs old.  I told myself I didn’t want to be with any man for 5yrs+ without a solid commitment.  So at the 5yr mark I had an emotional breakdown.  Little did i know, my boyfriend had planned an elaborate proposal and spent a lot of time on not only planning it, but also anxiously awaiting my ring to come in which was taking much longer than he anticipated.  It was worth the wait 🙂

You sound like a great person who really wants to be married to your boyfriend/sons father and make it feel like a real family/have the same last name as your son Etc… the fact that your boyfriend wants another child with you and has looked at rings with you speaks volumes 🙂 he knows what he has with you and it’s only a matter of time before he proposes :).  I’m rooting for you and can’t wait to hear when he does propose!  

 

Post # 13
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Not to sound mean, but why should he marry you if he already has everything that he wants otherwise? You got pregnant, got a house, and behave as a married couple. There is no new territory for him to go to. Even though it seems like he is tied to you, he could still walk away without having as much of a difficult time, and he may be holding onto that sense of “freedom”. It is now hard for you to say what your needs are because you have already given him a bunch of leeway. Even though you have a degree, you are still dependent upon him to take care of you, so he feels like you are attached to him one way or another. Quite frankly, he has the control in this situation. 

I am saying this because I see and hear these complaints from women who get pregnant before getting married. The men don’t really think that marriage is important because the woman was willing to put it on the back burner. We need to tell men our standards, so they will decide either to meet those standards, or not and then we can walk away. I wish I had some better advice, but you have to put your foot down. You have too tell him that you will not be having anymore children without being a wife. You also need to tell him that you are not going to wait around forever to get married. If that does not work, I suggest that you start working at least part-time so that he sees that you are able to be independent and walk out of the door if he does not comply. Good luck to you…

Post # 14
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I say put your foot down. Tell him I am not going to have any kids until we are engaged and or married and really mean it. If you have to put off sex than do that. 

I told my boyfriend when we had our son that I wanted to get married some day because I know one day my son was going to ask me why my last name was different than his and daddy’s. My fiance said than we can go to the court house and change it! meaning we can get married. “It’s funny he use to say I am never having kids or getting married” He was joking of course. He is a jokester. I never once pressured him into having kids or getting married but he knew I wanted to be a mother and wife someday.

 

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