Weddingbee boards

I'm sorry, but, HUH? I don't find the "just wait" comment to be at all sweet or considerate of your feelings in the least. He was just brushing you off! The army wife handbook thing also seems like just a ploy to quiet the proposal talk. I truly don't think those were hints about a proposal in the near future AT ALL. He already played this game back when you had that fight and threw out the "we'll be engaged in a year or two" line.  The graduation excuse, same thing.

To me all this sounds like is that you two are nowhere near on the same page and he is just not hearing you -- claiming that in his eyes you're "already engaged" just because you've both casually agreed that you want to marry each other, someday? Please! Are you really going to just hope that he proposes on your birthday three months from now? You owe it to yourself to get some straight answers from your boyfriend. Like @rachelss said, you already have been, in your own way, implementing the 3-step plan by having your own independent life goals and you haven't been nagging him by any means for the duration of your (long) relationship.

If you really think he will do what you "don't want him to because you gave him an ultimatum," i.e., end the relationship instead of proposing, then let him leave! If he would seriously leave you over your asking that this relationship needs to either move forward or end, he clearly does not share the same values as you do, and doesn't care about your relationship and your future the way that you do. Picture him actually walking out after you pose this to him -- does that look like true love to you? If he really would do that, you're better off without him.

Now, the fact that you both were previously engaged with the relationship not working out is a pretty important piece of information. Did his ex give him a reason to not want to try engagement again? Are there any other major parts of his relationship history that are leading to him balking over marrying you? You deserve to know what's really going on in his head. I hope you try talking this over with him again, without allowing him to dismiss you with another vague, meaningless response.

I think littlemissmango wrote a really great post.   I too was pretty surprised that you appreciated his "just wait" comment, because (maybe you had to be there?) it just sounded incredibly dismissive to me!  I'm sure your boyfriend loves you but it seems like he is being extremely unfair and is sort of stringing you along as he dismisses your feelings, goals, and desires.  You NEED to have a serious, level-headed talk with him about marriage and get straight why he feels he is not ready to be engaged, and what all this waiting and vague "in a year or two" stuff is about.  Maybe you guys are in different places and he doesn't feel ready for marriage at this point, which may or may not be justified (I personally don't understand how he can't be clear by your age and points in life, after five years of a solid relationship, but maybe there is some reason), but he has to let you know what his deal is and what's going on in his head.  Otherwise you're going to grow more frustrated as you're left in the dark, feeling like your life is progressing satisfactorily, he's going to continue to think he can push off marriage till forever (and why would he want to do that if he loves you and knows he wants to marry you?), and this whole thing is going to snowball perhaps to an unhealthy place.

But the problem is that you don't seem to have any idea if he actually intends to propose to you, especially any time soon.  He is so non-committal about marriage and you are obviously frustrated with his lack of clarity as to why he isn't making that committment.  Don't you want to know WHY he is making you wait all this time?  I would certainly want to know what was going on in my man's head.  You don't need to ask him for a time and date on which he's going to propose to you, but if you already have agreed that you want to get married at some point, there's no romance lost in simply talking about WHAT specifically he is waiting for, so you understand him better, he understands your thoughts better, and you're BOTH content with your situation.

I agree Vegan. You don't need to be able to pencil in your proposal in your dayplanner like an appointment... that's not what you need to ask of him. I would agree that knowing exactly when you're going to be proposed to kind of defeats the purpose. But again, that's not what you need him to clarify. For him to say that giving you a timeline of what to expect IS "proposing," is unfair -- do YOU consider it proposing? This isn't a one-sided issue. What you think and what you want matters. And all you want are some answers! After five years, that's really not too much to ask.

If you really don't feel that it's okay to ask a person to change their ways, that you need to "accept them or move on," then I guess what I have to ask you is -- if he puts off marrying you indefinitely, if he literally never proposes to you, are you going to "accept" that? Or at what point would you "move on?" That's exactly what I think you should be discussing with him. You don't have to put it in terms of an ultimatum. You just need to explain that marriage is something you value very much and want for your life -- you feel you are ready for it and you see him as your ideal partner in a marriage, and you need to know if he feels the same way. Explain that you will not know if he feels this way when he simply, vaguely, tells you to "wait" for him, but that you need more of a clear answer as to why we're "waiting," and when you can expect that to change. Most importantly, if you think you would "move on" at some point, I think you owe it to him to give him that warning. He has not shown that he's serious about getting married, and I think it's time you showed him that you are. And I wouldn't consider that "pushing" him in the least.

I really wish you the best, and I hope you understand that we only offer you our advice because we care so much about the other women in this community! I hope you feel like you can continue to vent here whenever you want.

Hey again... Glad to hear you think there's a positive step in the works. I am a little concerned like the PP that he only said he's "thinking" about talking to your dad. Shouldn't he have been thinking about it for a while now? I also agree that it would be much more beneficial if he would phrase things in a way that will actually put you at ease. "Trust me, I am working on this and I am just as excited as you are to get engaged soon!" would work for me a lot better than just "Trust me." I don't think it would be unfair of you to ask him to elaborate, KWIM?

I also really hope he does end up talking to your dad, and I think it's a great idea to ask that dad tells you if and when that actually happens. In the meantime though, I think you should try to stick to the (mr. bee) plan and not bug him about it. Having a constructive conversation about where your future is headed, establishing how each other feels about the issue, and then letting things play out as they will is one thing, but nagging or "aggrivating" like you said probably won't help matters. Give it a try and also work on the other parts to the plan, I think that would make a difference for you. Hope to hear some more positive news from you soon!! :)