You said you want to be married in 2 years, 3 years tops. Him being married at 25 is 3 years... Also, you are really young. I'm 22, as well, but I am almost done with school and I have a job that I can support myself on. You need to be able to stand on your own two feet before you get married, imho. Your boyfriend is being really mature in the way that he wants to be able to support you better. You are pushing him towards something he isn't ready for yet.
@missmorganista: i live alone and have a job. im sittin out this fall due to family issues but will be back in spring.will be done with school in year and semester.year if i grind.25 id like to start havin kinds. i feel if hes ready for sex he should be ready for it all. i get him wantin to provide but it cost nothin to go to courthouse.3 years will be 25 for him but i feel thats when hed propose not when wed marry.i felt wed be engage this year,was hopin ring at Christmas and it doesnt help my feeling with my bestfriend marryin on 8th of dec and me being moh and not even almost there.
@charmingsimplicity: Right it'd cost just a little bit for the marriage license, but the marriage itself does cost money. I think he's just wanting to provide a better future for you...
and you can be ready for sex and not ready for marriage. Have you ever met a sixteen year old boy? Haha! ;)
@missmorganista: understandable.i still think hes tryna basically try everything out since hes askin me to be staying with him. ill continue to hold out and be more patient
Im sorry sweetie. I would have to say that right now you are asking for too much. By you saying that you can just get married at the courthouse just sounds like you will be rushing to get married. I do understand that you are 21, in a serious relationship, and ready to get married. But you have to respect your BF when he tells you that he is not ready. Marriage is a big decision and you can't hold it against your BF that he wants to wait until he is more settled.
And just because he is wanting to have sex does not mean that he is willing to fully commit to a marriage.
Finally, I hate to tell this to you, but it is hard to plan your life. I understand that you want to marry when you are 23, start kids when you are 25, and have your last kid around 31. But it is really hard to follow a schedule over that time span. Life doesn't always work out the way that you plan.
I think you should just stop worrying so much about and go with the flow a little bit more. It is not wrong that you are feeling this way but I think it is still too young to start pressuring marriage.
@charmingsimplicity: It seems a little selfish to become celibate 4 years into a relationship. If he has been willing to cut you slack on that maybe you owe him his timeline
I think you're too young to start planning your life out like that. Besides you can plan until the cows come home but if he doesn't have the same plan the relationship is doomed. Part of a relationship is being on the same page and you all seem to be in different books. It sounds like he's trying to built a foundation for your future and you're not interested in it. Buying a home and having kids is so expensive. Maybe you two should come up with a financial plan before you worry about your life plan.
Yes, it doesn't cost much to go to the courthouse. But babies cost a hell of a lot. As he obviously knows you want kids not too long after getting married, I think he's actually being really mature by wanting to have your finances and future in order before he proposes. He's only being realistic. Stop pushing him.
Major red flag...It's always more difficult when you are saving the milk...Do not let him pressure you. Walk away before you give in on your principles.
but on the other hand it can be said it is worse, giving the milk for free...
That is what is difficult about having those kind of values (and they are awesome values, btw) in this modern society. Now it makes sense for young people to move in, have relations and wait a long time to get married in order to be FINANCIALLY ready for the legality of marraige. Instead of 250-100 years ago where you could stay Chase, marry young and not have to worry about the legality of marraige, because at that time, you probably woudn't get legally married or would die at 40. Now even if your relationship crubbles at 50, you can still fit another "lifetime" of love into the time you have left on earth.
to sum up: Congrats on having values and principles, expecially in the god-forsaken modern day society. No not cave into this man if he tries to pressure (com'on baby) or guilt you (if you would just let me have some)...or Bribe you...(Maybe if you give me some, i'll get you somethin') DO NOT GIVE IN! This is a test for him too.
@cb336: +1. If he wants to marry you he will go to the courthouse. You can litterally wait forever waiting for everything to be perfect. You can be poor and married (as long as you don't have bad credit...Then you gotta wait...)
Hope it all works out babe
ETA: OH, I misread about the reason you are practicing celebacy...you just decided to become celebate 4 years into the relationship? OH...I donnow if I can agree with that. May I ask why you chose to do that? Is it a kind of Trojen Women thing? A Religous thing???
Weddingbee ate my last post. Basically I don't think you're asking for alot. I mean asking to be engaged after 5 years, is not the same thing as asking to be married after 5 years. I told my SO (who is 20) that I wanted to be engaged soon a few months ago. At first he freaked out, until he realized I wanted a longer engagement. That helped alleviate some of his fears, since some guys think that getting engaged means you'll be married in the next few months. If you're ok with a longer engagement talk to him and tell him that. Maybe it'll open up some more room for conversation. Oh and I was raised in the South, so being a young bride is normal to me and I see nothing wrong with getting married under 25. I plan to get married when I'm 25 myself, or possibly earlier than that.
@charmingsimplicity: That seems to be his decision. Don't pressure him. What's the rush? You've got your entire lives together.
Suddenly going celibate seems selfish. You've been giving yourself to him before and suddenly, "NOPE!" While I support people waiting til marriage (Even though I don't agree with it myself), suddenly stopping and taking away something you had been giving him doesn't seem like a smart decision. That would be like him not kissing you anymore, or suddenly not allowing you to sleep in the same bed -- You'd be pissed, right? While not as "serious" as sex, it's still intimate.
I don't think YOU are ready for marriage. I think you THINK you're ready, but someone who is ready would understand that you just can't cut things off to get what you want (That's called emotional blackmail) and you'd understand he's waiting until he can give you something "proper."
Edit: Originally repied to the wrong poster. Oops!
@Hyperventilate: If there is religious reasons as to why she stopped, then I understand that. Some of my old high school classmates have suddenly decided to become "a virgin again" to give themselves to God. So if that's the reason, I can understand that. But if it's just to get back at him for not proposing, then no that's not right. So OP, why did you stop sleeping with him?
@Tarheelgurl: I agree.
Again, I do not "agree" with celibacy, but I can support people's decisions to do it. If you're doing it for religious reasons, I understand. If you want to "save yourself" for marriage, I can understand.
My not-boyfriend once told me, "Once you give me something, it is mine." We did not wait for marriage to have sex, as neither of us are religious (I'm Athiest and he's Agnostic), but that isn't really the point. I was giving him something, so to speak, and I was making the action his, and thus mine (Since the same applies vice-versa) and you don't just up and take something away from someone.
I'm not going to say that you need to have sex with him, what I'm saying is reevaluate why you are denying him sex. If you're doing it to speed a proposal/how serious you are along, you're doing it for the wrong reasons.
@subtlebee: cut me slack? i own no man my body. i have every right to wait until i am married if i feel its appropriate for me as a person. i can be more patient but id like to kno that im not gonna invest a decade as a gf or never get there. i believe im moreso lookin for somethign that says thats still the plan for us.
@Sapphire-Dreamer: im practicing celibacy because i have every right to not have sex . 2 years into our rship i made the choice. i didnt hold up as well as i wish. this has been 1 st year ive fully commited without any sort of sex. id rather not be doin everything cuz im young and inlove.i feel i have value. he bought up everything about marriage last year, this year showed rings . im not pressurin him in my mind. i havent even asked him to change his plan. we discussed ages and finances and that was that no arguement or nothing. he aske dif i would move in with him and if i knew we were marryin why does it matter that we live apart. i dont wanna shack up or have sex til im married.if its selfish i guess ill be that but i feel the age id like is totally fine. we will prob never be able to have the wedding id like so y wait to make us official? i understad bein real and mature but it seems that everyone thinks i want a wedding at that age.im totally ok with long engagement cuz it means i was choosen. im not givin an ultimatum or anything , id just like to kno if i can speak up becaus ei dont wanna spend anothe 5 as just a gf
@Tarheelgurl: omg u have saved me. i felt attacked by everyone else. u seem to understand. id like to marry that age but itsnot concrete. though we starte at 16 its still been 5 years. weve grown together and id hate to think wed never get to finish line
@Hyperventilate: im not black mailing him. im not tryin to trap him and believe me i wasnt givin myself to him freely much after 2 years.. i crave intimacy not sex.as a man he craves sex. people seem to believe that sex was frequent. i havent asked this man to propose. .i clearly said 23. im not 22 as of yet so its not cuz he hasnt. if he did i tell him no.
im am not attempting to assure a proposal by being celibate. i think that pretty low. my question and reason for post was to find out if i wrong for not wanting to invest another 5 years to maybe become engaged ? i told of celibacy to giv insight to how things were in my rship.a little of what was goin on
You have every right to deny sex. It is your body and your choice. And when you get married you can have sex all your life. I think you have every right to tell him what you want and to ask him if he is still on board. You tell him that you love him and you want to compromise - Marriage when he is 24. In the meantime, save up money and continue having an amazing relationship to show him you are mature and ready for it.
@charmingsimplicity: He's only 22. You were essentially children when you first got together. Give him all the time and space he needs. It's crucial to the health of a marriage to have things in order before you get married, such as finances, education, careers and being able to support yourselves. He is being wise to delay marriage until those things are in place.
For now focus on becoming the best and most whole, healthy, expanded woman you can be. The more you both become whole and independent people on your own, the more you'll have to offer each other for your future marriage.
@charmingsimplicity: You do own your body. I am saying that if after being sexually active you decide to stop and he decided to stay, you owe him a big one! And I think patience might be that big one.
@Sunfire: +1. Your choice to not have sex anymore is irrelevant to your desire to want a proposal. You are very young (yes that matters) and there isn't a prize for getting there first...in fact, it's usually the opposite. Take your time, keep living your life, let things run their natural course.
@charmingsimplicity: Well despite the common assumption that 5 years isn't much time if you're under a certain age, to me 5 years is 5 years at any age. Do I think you should continue on with this guy if he doesn't want to at least talk about the future at this point? Heck no! If he's not willing to at least talk about marriage and getting engaged, then I'd move on. You can't make a man fit into your own personal timeline, but that doesn't mean you have to wait around hoping and praying everything will finally click for him. You are in charge of your own life, not him, so if you don't think it's worth the wait, don't wait.
With that said, I still don't find it unreasonable to at least ask him what his future plans are. Example being does he see you two at least engaged in the next two years. At this point I don't think that's much to ask. Maybe that's because I asked my boyfriend the same thing almost two years ago, and he's turning 21 next month. I think as long as you've been upfront with him about what you want out of the relationship, this is the next step. And if a man can ask you to play house with him, then he should be able to talk about the future to you as an adult as well.
@anthrogirl: +1
After I moved in with my boyfriend he actually thought about us possibly going back to being celibate because he said he was starting to feel like us having premarital sex was devaluing me. That was one of the best compliments I've ever received from anyone. It's your body so if you don't want to have sex, you don't have to. He also doesn't have to wait around for you if he really hates it that much. No one has a gun to his head making him stay in the relationship.
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hi,my bf and i have been together 5 years. this last year has been our worse i will admit.weve even separated and returned.with all that has happened he has showed me rings,discussed appropriate prices and even watched syttd and discussed dresses lol. im very much inlove but it seems we arent progressin on 1 accord. id love to marry in 2 years- 3 tops. hed like to marry when he has everything in a certain order. i.e own place,out of school,career... i can undertand that but it isnt neccessary for a marrige to me. i mean a place to live is and a job but nothing amazing. im 21,hes 22.yes we are young but im southern and i believe in young brides.id love to marry 23,kids 25 and so forth til 31 where id like to have my last child,if not b4. hed like to marry 25. only thing i have control over is my body and if able id like my children by certain age. he says that selfish,i dnt agree. his father married his mother at 25 , but his mom was 23. ive been celibate this entire year, 1 day after iron bowl 2011 actually and i plan to remain till marriage. it seems we fight more,he always horny and im not givin in. i dont wana continue to give all of me to just sum man. he is moving into his 1st place nxt month and he talks about me spending nights and stayin for weeks on end cuz he knowd hed love the feeling but i dont wanna shack up even a little. it seems like it will be another 5 years with us in school and how driven he is to have a certai amount of money b4 marriage. im not asking to be married now,i just wanna know we will soon or atleast be engaged. he claims at 2 weeks he knew he could spend his life with me.we were friends forover 2 years b4 even lookin at each other romantically so that meant alot to me but when will my time come? im not asking for a wedding, im okay with family,bestfriends and the courthouse and the wedding of our dreams when we can afford so. is that reasonable? am i too pushy?