5 years maybe 5 more

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Member
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

You said you want to be married in 2 years, 3 years tops. Him being married at 25 is 3 years… Also, you are really young. I’m 22, as well, but I am almost done with school and I have a job that I can support myself on. You need to be able to stand on your own two feet before you get married, imho. Your boyfriend is being really mature in the way that he wants to be able to support you better. You are pushing him towards something he isn’t ready for yet. 

Member
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@charmingsimplicity:  Right it’d cost just a little bit for the marriage license, but the marriage itself does cost money. I think he’s just wanting to provide a better future for you… 

 

and you can be ready for sex and not ready for marriage. Have you ever met a sixteen year old boy? Haha! ;)

Member
403 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Im sorry sweetie.  I would have to say that right now you are asking for too much.  By you saying that you can just get married at the courthouse just sounds like you will be rushing to get married.  I do understand that you are 21, in a serious relationship, and ready to get married.  But you have to respect your BF when he tells you that he is not ready.  Marriage is a big decision and you can’t hold it against your BF that he wants to wait until he is more settled.

And just because he is wanting to have sex does not mean that he is willing to fully commit to a marriage. 

Finally, I hate to tell this to you, but it is hard to plan your life.  I understand that you want to marry when you are 23, start kids when you are 25, and have your last kid around 31.  But it is really hard to follow a schedule over that time span.  Life doesn’t always work out the way that you plan.

I think you should just stop worrying so much about and go with the flow a little bit more.  It is not wrong that you are feeling this way but I think it is still too young to start pressuring marriage.

Member
1612 posts
Bumble bee

@charmingsimplicity:  It seems a little selfish to become celibate 4 years into a relationship. If he has been willing to cut you slack on that maybe you owe him his timeline

Member
1468 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think you’re too young to start planning your life out like that.  Besides you can plan until the cows come home but if he doesn’t have the same plan the relationship is doomed.  Part of a relationship is being on the same page and you all seem to be in different books.  It sounds like he’s trying to built a foundation for your future and you’re not interested in it.  Buying a home and having kids is so expensive.  Maybe you two should come up with a financial plan before you worry about your life plan.   

Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Yes, it doesn’t cost much to go to the courthouse.  But babies cost a hell of a lot.  As he obviously knows you want kids not too long after getting married, I think he’s actually being really mature by wanting to have your finances and future in order before he proposes.  He’s only being realistic.  Stop pushing him.

Member
3478 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Major red flag…It’s always more difficult when you are saving the milk…Do not let him pressure you. Walk away before you give in on your principles.

but on the other hand it can be said it is worse, giving the milk for free…

That is what is difficult about having those kind of values (and they are awesome values, btw) in this modern society. Now it makes sense for young people to move in, have relations and wait a long time to get married in order to be FINANCIALLY ready for the legality of marraige. Instead of 250-100 years ago where you could stay Chase, marry young and not have to worry about the legality of marraige, because at that time, you probably woudn’t get legally married or would die at 40. Now even if your relationship crubbles at 50, you can still fit another “lifetime” of love into the time you have left on earth.

to sum up: Congrats on having values and principles, expecially in the god-forsaken modern day society. No not cave into this man if he tries to pressure (com’on baby) or guilt you (if you would just let me have some)…or Bribe you…(Maybe if you give me some, i’ll get you somethin’) DO NOT GIVE IN! This is a test for him too.

@cb336:  +1. If he wants to marry you he will go to the courthouse. You can litterally wait forever waiting for everything to be perfect. You can be poor and married (as long as you don’t have bad credit…Then you gotta wait…)

Hope it all works out babe

ETA: OH, I misread about the reason you are practicing celebacy…you just decided to become celebate 4 years into the relationship? OH…I donnow if I can agree with that.  May I ask why you chose to do that? Is it a kind of Trojen Women thing? A Religous thing???

Member
1165 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Weddingbee ate my last post. Basically I don’t think you’re asking for alot. I mean asking to be engaged after 5 years, is not the same thing as asking to be married after 5 years. I told my SO (who is 20) that I wanted to be engaged soon a few months ago. At first he freaked out, until he realized I wanted a longer engagement. That helped alleviate some of his fears, since some guys think that getting engaged means you’ll be married in the next few months. If you’re ok with a longer engagement talk to him and tell him that. Maybe it’ll open up some more room for conversation. Oh and I was raised in the South, so being a young bride is normal to me and I see nothing wrong with getting married under 25. I plan to get married when I’m 25 myself, or possibly earlier than that.

Member
6631 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@charmingsimplicity:    That seems to be his decision. Don’t pressure him. What’s the rush? You’ve got your entire lives together.

 

Suddenly going celibate seems selfish. You’ve been giving yourself to him before and suddenly, “NOPE!” While I support people waiting til marriage (Even though I don’t agree with it myself), suddenly stopping and taking away something you had been giving him doesn’t seem like a smart decision. That would be like him not kissing you anymore, or suddenly not allowing you to sleep in the same bed — You’d be pissed, right? While not as “serious” as sex, it’s still intimate.

I don’t think YOU are ready for marriage. I think you THINK you’re ready, but someone who is ready would understand that you just can’t cut things off to get what you want (That’s called emotional blackmail) and you’d understand he’s waiting until he can give you something “proper.”

Edit: Originally repied to the wrong poster. Oops!

Member
1165 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@Hyperventilate:   If there is religious reasons as to why she stopped, then I understand that. Some of my old high school classmates have suddenly decided to become “a virgin again” to give themselves to God. So if that’s the reason, I can understand that. But if it’s just to get back at him for not proposing, then no that’s not right. So OP, why did you stop sleeping with him?

Member
6631 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@Tarheelgurl:  I agree.

Again, I do not “agree” with celibacy, but I can support people’s decisions to do it. If you’re doing it for religious reasons, I understand. If you want to “save yourself” for marriage, I can understand.

My not-boyfriend once told me, “Once you give me something, it is mine.” We did not wait for marriage to have sex, as neither of us are religious (I’m Athiest and he’s Agnostic), but that isn’t really the point. I was giving him something, so to speak, and I was making the action his, and thus mine (Since the same applies vice-versa) and you don’t just up and take something away from someone.

I’m not going to say that you need to have sex with him, what I’m saying is reevaluate why you are denying him sex. If you’re doing it to speed a proposal/how serious you are along, you’re doing it for the wrong reasons.

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