Post # 1
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 and a half years now. We have been living together for over 2 years however we are not engaged. To be honest I am getting quite tired of waiting. We both have great jobs, money put away, and all that good stuff. I have brought up the engagement thing to him before and each time I get different answers. 2 years ago I tried on an engagement ring in front of him. He said he loved the way my face lit up and said my day would soon come. 1 year ago after my younger brother got engaged, I was very upset and jealous. My boyfriend told me that I shouldn’t worry and that my time would come soon. He would say I can’t wait to spend my life with you and I want you to be my wife, but now I just see that as words. Recently we went on a trip where it thought it might happen, it didn’t. I brought it up to him just saying that many of our friends thought he might propose. His response “ ya I am sure,” “I don’t know why you bring it up you know it just gets you upset and I don’t know what you want me to say.” So not very reassuring.
I just don’t know anymore….I love him and I want to be with him, but it hurts me so much that all I do is wait and I keep getting disappointed. He has never brought up a reason to not want to ask me. Only thing he has ever said was 2 years ago he said he was scared. I can’t really give him an ultimatum because he says that won’t work on him and I don’t think it would. He is kind of the person who is like you take me for me and you can’t change me.
Just don’t know what to do. My parents are getting tired of it as well and my mom even says I need to leave him if it doesn’t happen by the end of the year. I am tired and don’t know what to do.
Post # 3
To @keepwaiting21: first and foremost I see this is your DEBUT post on WBee… so a BIG Welcome to “the Hive”
How old are you guys… cause that is going to make a world of difference on where his head is at.
A guy thinks differently in his early 20s than his late 20s, and then again in his 30s.
Men mature slower than us women… which means more often than not we are wanting to get serious when they are just fine with status quo.
Your post doesn’t make it sound like he is stalling or leading you on… your post right now sounds like he is just not there yet due to maturity.
Hope this helps,
PS… As for the statement he’s a guy “who is like you take me for me and you can’t change me.”
Lol in reality, ALL Men are like this. They are pretty simple cretures… what you see is what you get most of the time.
IF you think you are going to change a man, you are barking up the wrong tree… men do not change fundamentally. You’ll be in for a lot of disappointment if you disregard this element about their character.
Post # 4
@keepwaiting21: First of all, WELCOME TO THE HIVE!!
And….sorry to hear about your waiting anxiety. I’m anxious too! It’s all good, you are not alone!
It sounds like he DOES want to marry you so if you love him and want to be with him, I’d focus on that.
Is he maybe saving for a ring? Saving can be a slow process lol.
And your Mom thinks you should leave by the end of the year? Is this because she’s upset for you or sick of hearing you complain? Or do they NOT like your SO?
Hang in there!
Post # 5
*hugs* It’s serious-discussion time.
Stop mentioning getting engaged and have an actual, serious, calm, rational discussion about whether or not you two are on the same page. You deserve to know if he wants the same thing as you do. He says he does, but actions (or lack thereof, in this case) speak louder than words. Don’t tell him what your friends and mother say, tell him that YOU want a commitment and why. My SO responded well to this approach and recently told me that we’d be engaged by next March!
If during the discussion your SO is still vague, see if he’ll agree to a timeline, say next summer (or whatever works for both). If he has strong reasons for not proposing, decide if you are willing to wait or live unmarried for the rest of your life.
Good luck 🙂
Post # 6
I wouldsit down and talk about your goals. “I want to have kids by age XX. I want to own a house by age XX. You want kids at age XX. You want a house at age XX. To make the house and kids happen, I would like marriage to happen by age XX–which means engagement by age XX. You would like marraiage to happen… When?”
Post # 7
@arathella: I couldn’t have said it better myself.
I recommend taking this approach, keepwaiting21.
Post # 8
Post # 9
@veryberry13: i know he has plenty in savings so dont think he is saving and no my mom is not sick of me complaining she is tired of seeing me hurt and thinks it shouldnt take this long for someone to figure out if they want to marry you or not
Post # 10
@BrandNewBride: believe it or not i have done this and it doesnt seem to faze him. When i mention getting married or kids he is like not now or *jokes* around and says ya in a few years. He also responds and says you cant put a time on time line on things. He will refer to the fact that he had a timeline and he never met that timeline.
Post # 11
I was about to say that maybe he just needs to grow up (my FI and I just got engaged after 5.5 years together and 2+ years of living together), but now I see that he’s 31?! You need to have a serious talk with this guy, because honestly, it sounds like he may be stringing you along. Has he mad any real progress in terms of engagement? Has he taken you ring shopping or asked you what kinds of rings you like? If not, he doesn’t sound completely serious and you need to be upfront with him about your wants and needs. This is YOUR life too; he doesn’t get to be the one to decide everything.
Post # 12
@nber0815: thanks for the comment. We have never been ring shopping. I tried on one a few years ago just because a jewlery store was going out of business so nothing serious. He knows what kind of ring I want because I keep telling him and he re-iterates the fact that he knows what I like. when engagment comes up it is never because he brings it up it is because i do
Post # 13
@keepwaiting21: I’m sorry you are going through this. I think at his age and the amount of time you have been together he should be able to give you some sort of a time line or a reason that he is hesistant.
Post # 14
FI and i will make 9 years together next month. We just got engaged 8/31 this year. We started dating at 16 & 17, so the 9 years is justified lol but by the time i was graduating college, in 2010, i was ready to get engaged & get married. We moved in together feb 2012. He started working on my ring June 2012 & it took til July 2013 to be finished. I cried, got depressed, threw hissy fits through the whole time the ring was in progress, and I had no idea! All I can tell you is this– make sure you are on the same page on wanting to get married, sooner than later, and just hold on. Once you do get engaged, ALL of that anxiety will go away. It will be worth it & you’ll forget you ever felt that way. Trust me
Post # 15
@keepwaiting21: I totally agree with @BrandNewBride: I did this and it changed my life and my relationship.
When I first joined the hive I was an angry bitter waiting bee. While I do still have my weak moments, I manage them MUCH better and honestly, starting a savings account helped me 1) Realize the cost of the wedding I WANT to have complete with a honeymoon 2) Realize the cost of the house we want 3) Made me realize I have a long way to go before we are ready for kids
I’m sorry that you are hurt and if you are thinking he is not the one then I totally think you should leave. But if you love this guy I think that maybe having an honest discussion with him is the way to go, and if you two are on the same page and working towards marriage and family, then maybe just wait it out and see what happens.
Post # 16
@keepwaiting21: You don’t have to give him an ultimatum to let him know you won’t wait around for him forever.
“Babe you know how much I love you. I am sure I want to spend the rest of my life with you and it kills me that you won’t make that comittment to me. I want the rest of the world to see us as a couple and to know that we belong to each other. But more than anything I want you to want to spend the rest of your life with me. You know I want kids before I’m 30, I want to be married for a while before I have kids, and it takes a year to plan a wedding. I don’t want you to propose unless you’re 100% sure that you can’t live another day without me, but know that I’m not waiting around for you forever.”
And then, you make up your mind to leave if he doesn’t do anything (or at least make steps towards doing something) in however long you give him. Then stick to it. You don’t have to break up maybe, just move out. Or leave him and find someone who won’t string you along.