5 years

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
210 posts
Helper bee

You’re 21. You have plenty of time. Just be patient. 

Post # 4
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

He’s not ready to get engaged. So I’d get on with enjoying life rather than waiting for something that isn’t going to happen right now. You are only 21 and to be honest, at your age you should be having fun! Not feeling sad about the lack of an engagement.

Post # 5
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

Your boyfriend flat out told you that he will not propose to you until he graduates.

He is not going to propose to you sooner than that.

Mr. Bee’s plan, Engagement Chicken… none of that is going to change that.

 

Post # 6
Member
1666 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@Jadegreen:  I’m sorry your having trouble with waiting right now. I know it’s tough. I was with FI for over 6 years when we got engaged last fall (we got together when we were 19). It sucks sometimes, but waiting until you both feel ready for that step is completely worth it.

You already have a vague idea of when he will propose – sometime after he graduates in 2 semesters. It feels like a long time now, but it really isn’t. And, to be completely honest, I think it shows a great deal of maturity on his part that he wants to finish his degree and be more settled before taking that step. Some people are ready sooner than others and the fact that your BF realizes he isn’t ready quite yet (and he has been honest about that with you) shows a great deal of maturity and respect for your relationship.

My best advice is to spend time focusing on yourself and trying to be happy in the moment. Focus on hobbies that you love, grab food with your friends, and try something new. When you feel sad or upset over the lack of proposal, just remind yourself that you guys love one another and everything you both are doing now is only going to help make a brighter future for you guys as a couple.

Post # 7
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

On the one hand, graduation is a totally legitimate reason to wait for marriage.  It’s 2014 but lots of men still want to feel like they can provide for their wives/families. You may feel his graduation is inevitable, but he might be worried about succeeding.   

On the other hand, his need to wait doesn’t negate your need for security.  I would calmly let him know (or write him a letter) why waiting is hard for you, how it makes you feel, and what he can do to make you feel secure (not just how he can propose sooner but having a longer engagement, but how he can show his love and commitment to you in other ways).   

It’s important not to nag or berate your SO, but it’s equally important to honour your feelings and be honest about them.  

Post # 8
Hostess
9907 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Jadegreen:  you’re still really young.  I know that it’s frustrating.  I was 21 when I started dating my now FH.  A combined 3 degrees later, we got engaged just after my 30th birthday.  It was 8.5 years.  It’s a long time, it wasn’t easy, and I wasn’t always patient, but I knew it would happen, I knew he was the one, so I sucked it up as best I could because I knew I wasn’t leaving so I might as well do my best to be happy.

It’ll happen 🙂 jsut be patient!

Post # 9
Member
6407 posts
Bee Keeper

Why do you feel it is so urgent?

FI and I got engaged after 5 years of dating ourselves, but it happened naturally, it was just the right moment for us. And we are in our 30s.

Post # 10
Member
599 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I haven’t been with my SO as long as you have but I’m also older (32) and feel the frustration sometimes that you do.

But a few months ago, I just promised myself I’d find peace with the situation. I’m certain that at some point (when he’s ready), my SO will propose to me and that certainty helps me sit back and enjoy being together and being partners in crime!

If you are certain he’s the one and he feels the same way, sit back and enjoy the ride. Choose your attitude girl, you can only control yourself and you sure don’t want to be wondering if he proposed to you only because you were nagging him about it. Make it his decision and he’ll do it when he’s ready.

Post # 11
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee

My closest friend had a similar issue.  She and her SO got together at 19/20 and dated almost 9 years (2 houses, 2 dogs, 3 cats, and 1 cross country move in which she relocated to be with him) before he proposed, so I got to hear her vent many, many, many times. I understood her (and your) frustration.  For my friend, her SO simply had an age in his head and he did not want to get married prior to that age. Felt they were too young and he did it when he felt the time was right and when he was ready to. 

They celebrated their 5 year wedding anniversary last year and do you know she still holds a grudge against him? Please don’t let this fester, eventually the frustration will bubble over into your relationship.  It sucks, but remember he is in this relationship to and you need to consider his needs as well. I am sure you love your boyfriend so focus on what makes your relationship great; his wit, charm, sense of humor, how reliable he is. Whatever it is that makes you want to spend your life with him.  I can understand his desire to finish school first and honestly I respect his desire to finish school first. I think you should support him as he tries to establish a life not just for himself, but eventually for you as well once you do become his wife.

Post # 12
Member
446 posts
Helper bee

@Jadegreen:  I’m sorry you are having to experience these feelings. I know how frusterating it can be. Trust me. I’m 32 and have been dating my so for 7 years. With that said, try to put your situation into perspective. You are only 21 years old. I know you may not necessarily feel like it, but you are young and should try to enjoy a few more years with your SO. His plan to graduate before getting engaged is not out of line. In fact, it’s a very smart one. I know it’s hard. Try to be patient. The time will come when it is right.

Post # 13
Member
525 posts
Busy bee

I think there are a lot of exceptions and I TOTALLY understand why you are thinking about this stuff even at 21 — but well…I found that there is sometimes this trend where if you hook up in college or highschool that you are then just going to wait (sometimes wait and break up in your mid twenties). It sucks. While people in later twenties and above can be seen as normal for getting engaged after one year. 

Post # 14
Member
4762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I sent you a private message!

Post # 15
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee

Hey Ladies, I just want to come at this from a devil’s advocate point of view;

He’s said he definitely wont propose until after school is over in 2 semesters. Fair enough, and reasonable too, that’s only 8 months. But honestly, if he’s waiting to be done his degree, it’s likely because of money. He’s not going to be able to save up enough money for a ring (responsibly) without working for several months, which means it’s going to be a lot more like a year and a half from now.

In my experience, even the above is not true. Most guys say “after x” and because we really want it, we hear “immediately, or very shortly after x” while what they really mean is “I am not ready to think about this seriously or in detail until after x” — This could account for a lot longer than your estimate. 

Don’t prep yourself to wait it out “for only 8 months” prep yourself to want him more than being married (I struggle with this every day, so I feel ya, I know it’s hard) we just have to continue to wait until at least the “8 months” are over, and then have a genuine conversation about compromise.

I am ready to be engaged at 22 (now), by SO wants to be “married some time around 30” – well, compromise works both ways. I would wait until 30 for him, because I love him. But just as I cannot force him to marry me at 22 because it’s what I want, he should not be allowed to force me to wait until 30 just because that’s what he wants. 

“I just don’t feel ready” has always been a cop out as far as I’m concerned. I have spoken to SO about it, and he agrees; and has worked on consciously saying other things as rejoinder, because he realizes how peeved it makes me, and likely makes many waiting women. I need real reasons, not wishy washy things. And he’s given me real reasons, and after each thing gets ticked off the ‘pre-marriage bucket list’ we revisit, and we discuss what things are “hard limits” and “soft limits” things we must do, and things we would be okay doing after marriage too.

Sorry for the super long post 😛 Chin up dear!

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