Post # 1
Met him in 1/2014. He said I Love You on Valentines Day. We have physically been going full bore since February. I told a few months after we met that I would still want the chance to have a baby if I could. He said that doesn’t want that, and that he wouldn’t want to be an older parent, etc. Anyway, our relationship maintained and he proposed in June. We are Christians and started going back to church together. Now I want things to be right before God and be able to be with him at any time without it being wrong (my belief). He is adamant about not marrying unless we can live together. We can’t live together immediately but I don’t feel that is a precursur or requirement to be married. Obviously it is not, people marry when they don’t live together yet all the time, as opposed to people who live together without being married. Also I am widowed and can marry whoever I want in the Lord, whenever I want. So, I am resenting that he is passing my time making it more unlikely that a pregnancy would happen. I am VERY upset. Our relationship is being ruined the more time passes, and it has been wearing on me. That’s just the way it is. Any one’s comments, please be nice! 🙂
Post # 2
jackie376: If he doesn’t want to be a parent, and you’re set on it, then I’m sorry to say that this might be a deal breaker. You can’t force him to be a parent against his wishes.
Do either of you have children already? And is adoption an option?
Post # 3
jackie376: Congatulations on finding someone to love who loves you after your loss. What a joyous feeling it is to again share your life with someone.
That being said, you sound like you may need a reality check. He already said he doesn’t want children. The likelihood of you getting pregnant and carrying to term is slim to none.
Women do not remain fertile until menopause. The average age for menopause is 51, but most women become unable to have a successful pregnancy sometime in their mid-40’s.
These percentages are true for natural conception as well as conception using fertility treatment, including in-vitro fertilization (IVF). Although stories in the news media may lead women and their partners to believe that they will be able to use fertility treatments such as IVF to get pregnant, a woman’s age affects the success rate of fertility treatments. The age related loss of female fertility happens because both the quality and quantity of eggs gradually declines.
I hope you can find joy in the relationship as is.
Post # 4
I agree, being a parent and having kids us a pretty hard limit. It’s not something everyone wants. I suggest you both si down, without distractions and talk it through. There is a chance that it is a deal breaker, but you have to communicate at least.
Post # 5
That sounds difficult. There are two issues here. First, if you’re 51, you are going to have major fertility problems at that age. Second, I agree you don’t have to be living together to be married, but it certainly makes the jump to marriage more complete and easier. Could there be another reason why he is reluctant to get married?
Post # 6
He told you outright that he doesn’t want to be a parent with you. I am not sure why you would consider marrying this man whose priorities are so different from your own. Getting and/or maintaining a pregnancy at your age might be almost impossible anyway, at least without significant medical intervention, and you will need all the support you can get from a spouse. You may be in a hurry here for all the wrong reasons, because this man doesn’t seem to want the same things you do.
Post # 7
I’m 51 and my fiance is 62 and the last thing either of us want is to have a child at our ages. Do I wish I had met him a long time ago? Yes. Would I have wanted to have a child with him if we were a lot younger? Yes. However, he has 5 grandchildren and my youngest child is 20 so……
I have to agree with other PPs that the chances of you having a pregnancy, let alone a successful one, at your age is slim to none and it seems that your SO doesn’t want that either. I personally think it would be totally unfair especailly to the child, to birng a child into the world even if you could at your age. You would be old enough to be this child’s grandmother and there’s a reason why nature (or God, whatever you believe in) doesn’t allow for older women to have their own offspring. Chances are you won’t have the energy to invest in raising a baby and wouldn’t live to see the child into adulthood…and that is totally unfair to a child. IMHO.
Post # 8
jackie376: it doesn’t really seem like the two of you are on the same page on two major issues. I don’t think you should be so quick to try to force a square peg into a round hole. Maybe you all can just enjoy each other as you already are, and let it take a natural course with time to discuss differences. Best of luck to you.
Post # 9
I’m so sorry that you’re in this situation. As someone who waited an extremely long time for God to bring the right man into my life and who didn’t marry until I was 47, I certainly can relate to your desire to have a baby even late in life. Also, as a strong Christian, I commend you for wanting to obey God in the area of your physical relationship instead of progressing to living together and continuing on the path that you have suggested that you’ve been following in terms of premarital intimacy.
Quite often, making the choice to obey God WILL cost you in the short run, and you may even need to walk away from this relationship. However, you will NEVER go wrong by putting God first and basing all of your decisions on His Word, even when relationships and situations that are very important to you begin to unravel.
Do you really want to marry a man who has been encouraging you to disobey your first love — Jesus? I encourage you to take a firm stand for obedience to God’s Word on all of these issues and to ask God to either a) change your FI’s heart (so that he will want to change his expectations and behavior) or b) help you to end this relationship so that you can remain available for a more God-honoring relationship.
Post # 10
As a 51 year old who would be beyond horrified if I discovered that I was pregnant, I have to sympathize with your SO. At this point, it would be incredibly disruptive to his lifestyle and pretty much put an end to child free vacations, peaceful nights sleep, doing what you want with your free time, etc. I do disagree with the other posters who say that it would be unfair to the child as if you lived until 80 (average life expectancy) you would live to see the child grow up and I have seen many children being happily and well-raised raised by their grandparents because their parents are unfit parents. On the other hand, I think it would be unfair to your partner. I don’t think you should let your relationship get ruined over this issue.
Post # 11
Could you compromise by living together but staying in separate bedrooms? As far as I know, the bible only talks about premarital sex, not living arrangements. I don’t see any issues with that.
Plenty of PPs have already said exactly what I would say regarding becoming pregnant, I think it’s time to let that pipe dream go.
Post # 12
He already told you he doesnt want a child, so why are you worried about him wasting your time? It’s not going to happen with him.
He wants to live together after you’re married- that’s a fair thing to ask. If it’s not possible, you need to figure out some sort to compromise. To me, it sounds like you both want different things when it comes down to big issues- you need to figure this out before you get married, the sooner the better.
Post # 13
- Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess
the oldest pregnant person I ever took care of in my nursing career was 51. she had ivf and was pregnant with twins or triplets. she was soooooo sick, she had to be in intensive care during the pregnancy because her body could not handle the fluid overload and she was going into cardiac failure. Even if you could get pregnant, which is very very unlikely, carrying a pregnancy at your age is incredibly high risk.
also the fact that you said he doesn’t want to have children….yeah, that.
Post # 14
I, too, think you need a major reality check. The chances of you becoming pregnant on your own in an entire year of trying are, at this point, extremely low. It is all moot since you say he has clearly stated that he is not interested in having children, even if that were somehow possible.
Post # 15
amandajane4949: Yes, I do know someone who just had a successful pregnancy at close to 50 (I have no idea if it was, natural, in vitro or what the circumstances were) and the baby is fine. She looks exhausted though, as if the pregnancy aged her 15 years (to be fair, it has only been 2 weeks).