Post # 1
So my fiance and I have been engaged for the past 5 months and are set to be married in 6 months but I recently found out about a quasi fling he was having and need some advice. I’ll give you guys some back ground info… We’ve been together for almost 10 years before the proposal etc and this sort of thing has NEVER happened or at least I don’t think it has. But the other day I happened to look at his cell phone (I had a legitimate reason for this and wasn’t snooping at the time) and saw that he had been texting this younger woman and the last message said something like, “I’ll see you soon!” so of course I got curious and did infact snoop/read the whole dialogue of their conversations. Well the thing is this, he was blatantly flirtatious with this other woman and told her comments such as, “You’re perfect the way you are”, etc. etc. and at one point he did ask her out to a movie. Consequently, the woman was pretty unresponsive to his advances and did not pursue him in the least. He initiated all conversations and whenever he said something that could be seen as flirting she brushed it off politely. So on one hand I’m thankful the woman didn’t pursue it but she knew he was engaged as this person was someone he works with and on the other I’m furious that HE was responsible for the indiscretion. The worst he did was lie to me about leaving early for work when in reality he was trying to meet her for coffee. (She blew him off here as well so I hold no grudges towards her) But the problem is, where do we go from here? As I said earlier, this has never happened over the 10 year course of our relationship and now I don’t know what to expect in terms of our marriage surviving? I confronted him and like any other guy he apologized and feels awful after thinking about it. Consequently he still has his moments of defensiveness and when first caught in his lies had the audacity to blame me saying the wedding was too stressful… And even today when we talked he told me to pretty much “Get over it. Nothing would have happened” and I just feel completely devastated… While nothing too awful may have transpired this time I honestly don’t know what would have occurred if I had not caught on when I did or what may with someone else in the future… We’ve already told all our friends/family and invested a LOT of money into the wedding and he swears he will never hurt me again but I can’t get over the fact that he says it was completely non-intentional and he doesn’t have a clue why he did it…
Post # 3
I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. First, I don’t think you should cancel the wedding or anything drastic like that. You two have been together a long time and yes, he did screw up but if he takes responsibility for it and apologizes then you have a chance to move forward together. I suggest a counselling session or two. You guys need to figure out what was making him flirt with this other woman: is he stressed about the wedding and was acting out, or is it something else?
Try not to give up hope for a long and happy marriage together. Yes, he did something stupid, but you can recover if you work on it together. Good luck!
Post # 4
I’m sorry this is happening to you.
The most disturbing part is his reaction to it. It. Doesn’t sound like remorse it seems more like anger at getting caught. Someone who really realized the error of their ways would do whatever it takes to make the situation right, not blame you, the wedding, and anyone other then themselves.
And the excuse of wedding planning is stressful blah. Life is stressful. How much wedding planning is he personally responsible for? If he’s like most grooms probably little. I wouldn’t be too rushed to marry someone who’s go to stress relief was an attempted affair. What about when the kid had collic and neither of u has slept in months? Then what?
I know you say this hasn’t happened before but I don’t know you can be sure. And his reaction isn’t giving the greatest confidence he sees the error of his ways.
I would get him and you into councelling ASAP. And then make a decision about the wedding.
Post # 5
I would say… screwballs and move on.
You deserve better 🙂
*oops. that may have sounded a little harsh. I just think that a relationship should be honest and open and if hes thinking of deviating… well, a more serious discussion should happen instead of him just brushing you off. Him saying that makes me feel like you should move on.
Anyway my 3 cents. Sorry!
Post # 6
This has clearly shaken your trust in him. So, it basically comes down to if you feel you can trust him in the future. If you can, then move forward. If you can’t, well then…you guys need to have some serious talks.
Post # 7
I agree with Sparkles. If you can’t look at him in the eye without feeling horrible then you need to get the hell out while you can. If you can forgive him, and I mean FORGIVE him and never discuss this issue again, then take some time for yourself, breathe, and then continue planning the wedding.
If you are not sure prehaps you should contact your vendors and see about posponment. You may not need to, but at least you’ll know your options. As you still have 6 months until the wedding you may find there are no penalties but this will give you a little bit more time to work on your relationship. YOu may find your vendors are more understanding than you would think. You don’t want to push forward with the wedding out of obligation or money – your happiness is worth much more.
I hope you work things out to find the happiness for yourself. No one deserves to be treated like you have been.
Post # 8
I put some thought into this before answering and I think this: I think I would leave. I would be humiliated, and horrified that my fiance was behaving like this just six months before our wedding, especially because he was going after someone who KNEW he was engaged. That shows a total lack of give-a-shit. The lack of respect is awful. I really could not tolerate such disrespect and dishonesty in my relationship. I would hate to do it, but I’d have to go. I’m sorry about this. I know it must suck.
Post # 9
Girl if I were you I would go into detective mode. I have a sneaking suspicion something like this has happened before. Make sure you know what you’re getting into–the FULL picture, before continuing on with the engagement and marriage.
Post # 10
Girl this SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I would cut your losses now! I know this has never happened in the past 10 years, and he did it this once….but do you want to be married and be PARANOID about it happening again?!?!?
It sucks, this SUPER sucks. And I am sorry for you. But you deserve the comfort and trust of someone that will put you on a pedestal and never look the other way!!
it sucks, that both of you invested alot of time in your relationship and he does this. I would not be OK with this, and if it were me…I’d leave…in fact I would make him leave. Once marriage happens…its a lot harder to get out. Soo…i would either PUSH the wedding date, OR cancel it and see what happens.
Good luck, and keep us posted.
Post # 11
@ohheavenlyday: i’m with you on this one.
how can you even begin a marriage with that under your belt? When relationships begin with no trust it usually follows throughout and cause problems down the road.
I feel so terrible for your situation, but just think of the heartache you are saving yourself, i mean if he is stressed due to wedding planning what happens if he gets laid off and you are 6 months pregnant or something? that is stress…is he going to go jump in someone elses bed then?
i believe in second chances in most situations, but the track record of guys who cheat is just through the roof – if they do it once, they will probably do it again. and i want to know that the man i am marrying is totally committed to ME, forever.
he has no sympathy for your feelings based on his reaction above.
stay strong, and i wish you all the best.
Post # 12
I am really sorry that you going through this.
I think what worries me the most is that he sort of blamed his behaviour on the wedding. How many of us ladies are taking on the responsibility of planning alone and are stressed out of our minds? Imagine if all of us turned to flirting and cheating because of “stress”.
To me that seems really wrong! It seems like whenever things get bad, he will feel the need to “escape” and get involved with other people.
Personally, I wouldn’t be able to look past this, but you need to see where your own limits are. If you feel that you can make it work after this, I would have a serious conversation with him and counseling.
Post # 13
I’m also very sorry this happened to you. He didn’t take responsibility for what he did..you caught him out in a lie and instead of owning up he blamed you and the “wedding pressure.” We all have pressure sometime and most people find appropriate ways of dealing with it (go jogging, zoning out in front the tv) they don’t attempt to cheat. He didn’t just flirt with this woman asking her out on a date is not flirting.
He has no regard for your feelings…obviously you can’t just get over it. If he was truly sorry he would be eating humble pie right now and doing all sorts of things to get back into your good books. He’s just upset that he was caught. Trust me it was not completely non-intentional…he knew exactly what he was doing when he deceived you about leaving early for work to try to sneak dates with a woman who had rebuffed his attempts many times before.
I’m not saying throw in the towel that decision is yours to make but you need to think about whether you can really forgive him and put this behind you. Counseling would be a good start. Good luck
Post # 14
I could just imagine what you must be go through. To have to cancel a wedding would be amazingly embarassing to have to tell everyone, besides all of the money that you have put into it (and maybe parents as well). I know that I wouldn’t be able to call it off. I would seek counseling. I think this may just be a need for attention on his part, since he had no real intentions of cheating. He may need to find out where his feelings of inadequacy are coming from, that he needs to be validated by a another women.
However, I caution you that this may eat at you for a while. You may think you can forgive and then one little thing might set you off and remind you of what he’s done and that can be hard to live with. He needs to understand what he’s done. I would let him know that he seeks counseling in order to rebuild trust or you will have to move on.
Post # 15
Ok let me first of all say Im sorry!! I have been through a simalar situation and it sucks. Of course Fiance (this was a long time ago I may add, and nothing has happened since) like any other person apologized and was hurt that I was hurting. He didnt really think these conversations he was having through, and how they would affect me no matter how much he thought they were no big deal. I know how it feels and I know it sucks..
So what Im going to tell you is.. Its gonna take a bit for you to fully trust him again.. Im not saying scream liar at him when he says hes running to the store for beer… but there will be something in the back of your mind for a while. You cant help it.. its just there. Now you have to decicde if your going to let that hinder your relationship. IF its something you cant get over and you know that,, I wouldnt go through with the wedding. Its just going to be more heart ache later on.
But if I were you I would look at it like this.. Who cares whats invested in the wedding. You need to look and invest in you right now. You two have been together for ten years… Nothing like this has happened before.. Ya he messed up big time, but everyone makes mistakes.. If you chose to forgive him you cant throw it back in his face every argument you get into etc. You have to do what you think is going to be best for you in the long run, and Im affraid only you know. Only you know if his apology is sincier or not. I wish you the best of luck!!!
Post # 16
Everytime someone posts messages like this and it’s their ONLY post (and they are not under a fake id), it always makes me wonder if they are just a troll…