6 years and still waiting…

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
2428 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I know I will probably be in the minority, but I don’t believe in ultimatums. My fiance proposed after 7 years and while we had some challenging times I never thought that was an option. I wanted to be with him no matter what so leaving wouldn’t have made me feel any better. I knew he was committed to me and would just do it in his own time.

But if you’re starting to feel unhappy in your relationship then it’s time to reexamine. Would you be happy just staying with him? Or do you want to be married at a certain time/age? Those are things you will have to consider. One may outweigh the other.

Post # 3
339 posts
Helper bee

Ask for a timeline… and 28 is definitely not too young. Have you asked why he wants to wait until you’re in your 30s? Do you want children? I’m always of the thought that if you dont know by year 2 or 3 whether you want to marry a person then chances are you dont and 9 times out of 10, thats how it has been in the relationships that i have observed. There is nothing wrong with discussing your future, so ask. Ask why he wants to wait. Ask how long you will have to wait? Ask if he sees a future with you and why? Ask if marraige is something that he believes in and is something that he wants. Then tell him how you feel and dont be afraid of his reaction because if you keep it bottled up, you will explode in an unhealthy way!

Post # 4
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

I am with TaraMay_ in that I dont agree with ultimatums either. Heres what happens with an ultimatum: you break up because hes not ready for marriage and told you so, or you get engaged and things are shitty because you forced him into getting engaged when he wasnt ready. 

He gave you a timeline basically. He didn’t say to you he never wants to get married, just that he is thinking more like when you are in your 30s. Its totally fine to not be happy with that, but what you need to do is reevaluate the situation. If you are willing to wait longer until hes ready, then you’ll just have to wait longer. If you’re not, then potentially you need to move on to someone else. Either way, forcing him to get engaged/married before he is ready isnt going to end well.

Post # 7
689 posts
Busy bee

jesais:  I know exactly how you feel. Did you ever suggest maybe a long engagement?

Post # 8
328 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

jesais:  Does he want a certain amount in the bank to feel more stable with getting married or is he just assuming he will be once in his 30s? Do he want kids right away after marriage that he wants to put the wedding off? I get waiting but you need to have goals for the two of you so you can see when you are getting closer.

Post # 9
6674 posts
Bee Keeper

27, 28 is young to get engaged? That’s not to say that one is ever too old, but if  a couple who is out of school, independent, on some kind of career path, together for 8 years, and owns a home together is not old enough to be engaged, then I don’t know what.  

Your BF may not be ready, now or ever, but he’s not too young.  You’ve already boxed yourself in a corner by buying a house together.  My advice is to take several giant steps back, have him buy  you out or move.  The truth is, it doesn’t cost anything to be engaged and you don’t need a big fancy wedding to be married.  The two of you undoubtedly live better than you would individually.  So money is not the reason for asking you to wait what, five more years?

Moving in with someone without a timeline puts you in an inconvenient and difficult position.  Like some pps, I don’t believe in ultimatums.  However, I would certainly take his comments about not being ready now to mean he might not ever be, and and as difficult as it would be, I would tell him I need to move on.   If that makes him unhappy, I’m sure he can figure it all out for himself. 

Post # 10
2064 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

jesais:  I think you need to discuss with him how important marraige is to you. And before you are 30. If he said he wants to wait till you are in your 30s then he will wait till then unless you just express how important it is to you. ive noticed when couples buy things together like a home before marriage, that he gets comfortable. such as “its like we are already married”. i got engaged at 26 at 6 and a half years together. but he was 30 and finally decided to ask. but we didnt married till a year after. he didnt realize it would be a whole year later, he thought if he asked i would want to do it in a couple months? Plus he always seen it as when he was ready to have kids then he would be ready to get married but i wanted to get married, wait a few years and get married. that made him more at ease. he thought if we got married we would have to start poping them out. which is what people expect you to do but doesnt mean you have to. But it sounds like he wants to get married to you just not right now. im sorry you are going threw this. i hated the wait. all these crazy thoughts kept coming into my head. i think you guys should talk about your expectations for your relationship, being engaged, and getting married. you might find you have different views on what you think is expected or the other wants. without  a fight. maybe a public place

Post # 11
124 posts
Blushing bee

I just wanted to comment because I am in a similar situattion.  I am 28 and have only been with my boyfriend a little over 2 years but we knew eachother and dated in high school.  I live with him and act like a wife but he is not really as ready as I am for marriage and kids.  It upsets me daily.  The only advice I have is to focus on you.  I joined a gym and it truly has helped me feel a little more upbeat and self confident just to be doing something for myself.  But anyway I know how you feel and I know how bad it sucks.

Post # 12
1072 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I think you need to lay it out for him in a practical way.

He says he wants kids and wants to get married eventually, right? That means presumably:

a) He wants to get married before having kids.

b) You both want more than one child.

Now, the ‘deadline’ for having kids is about 35, since that is when fertility drops off precipitously and risk of abnormalities increases. So that means you need to be done having kids by 35.

Working backwards from that, let’s say you want two kids. Do you want to have them right next to each other, or do you want a year or two between them? Probably at least a small gap, right? And you likely won’t get pregnant right away, so you need to add in some time for that.

So let’s say you start trying for your second child at 33. Which means you want to try for your first child at 30-31. Which means you need to be married at 29-30.

For a ‘standard’ wedding you will probably want 12-18 months to plan. So that means you need to be engaged…at 27 or 28.

When you look at those timelines, which are very reasonable, you are already on the deadline of when you need to be engaged if you want a comfortable time getting married and having kids. If you want 3 or more kids, or you want longer to save for a wedding/kids, then you are already later than the ideal.

Once you lay it out for him like this, he might see that leaving your engagement to your 30s and beyond is not such a great idea.

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