and thought to myself.. *the bees will tell listen and give me their honest opinion*... so here goes...
The wedding is in approx 1 month. I just had my bridal shower - a great effort by my BMs *hugs* which ended up to be a great event... but not without Drama that would warrant a post of it's own.
I and others were curious when FI's bachelor party was going to be. 2 of the 3 groomsmen are from OOT. The best man in Cali. So i sent the Best Man an email to ask if there were any planned "pre marriage guys only activities". Letting him know that I'm ok with any of their plans as long as they have fun and I'd like to be aware of the schedule so I don't book any wedding planning related activities that requires FI during that time.
The Best Man responded saying that FI said he didn't want to have a b-party... but he will check again and if I could block off the DAY BEFORE the wedding it would be great. Ummm.. did he just say the day before??? I wrote back and dropped some hints that it since it's a morning wedding and might be better any other day - then they won't feel any constraints and can party harty.
Some days later I asked FI if they decided on the date. He said it "might be the day of the wedding or after". Huh? excuse me? The day of the wedding meaning after rehearsal dinner that you plan to start your b party into the wee hours of the morning and then have our wedding??? and um... I thought he was joking about the after wedding part. But an online chat with the Best Man just confirmed it... I started the conversation asking if he would be in town 2 days before the wedding for final fitting of his tux rental. He said he would be in the day before, early in the morning and "time is tight, still deciding if we can do a quickie [b-party] before or after the wedding and hope that you're (me) too intoxicated to notice".
Was that supposed to be a joke? I was not laughing. I feel that FI should have fun with his friends. but seriously are these dates the only options? Further, FI and I were talking on the phone and noticed that I was not my usual self and asked what was wrong. I was hestitant in telling him since it's really a guy thing (and I wasn't prepared to talk to him)... but ended up telling him since he kept asking what was wrong. Long story short. The converstation ended with him raising his voice and said it's not important to him to have a b-party and that he's his decision whether or not to have one. Umm... hello, did you just miss the issue?
Ok typing this out felt better... thank you for listening.
Isn't it funny how sometimes the guys miss the whole issue? *sigh* No one wants a hung-over groom at the alter! You said that 2 of 3 groomsmen are OoT and the BM is in Cali... I assume you are also in Cali? How far OoT are the other two? Is it possible for them to do something the weekend before? Or, if the timing really isn't right, maybe your FI could suggest a weekend trip sometime after the wedding to thank the guys for their support at the wedding and they oculd make that a psuedo guys night out?
I'm out of ideas.. hopefully the other bees will have some good ones! Good luck :-)
I absolutely agree that the guys are not being very sensitive. But then again, we're talking about guys here!
With everyone being out of town, I understand that they would want to do a guy thing when they are all together. I know you're trying to be a cool bride by telling FI you're OK with the bachelor party and I think you really mean it.
However, implicit is not a thing that works well with guys who completely miss the point. I think you're absolutely within your right to tell FI and BM both that you expect FI to be in his best form on the day of the wedding. You trust them to deliver FI at the wedding fresh-faced and ready for the big day.
Leave it at that and trust that they'll do it. Maybe the "bach party" will just be the guys hanging out on the golf course with no debauchery planned? (I'm doing my best to send positive thoughts your way!)
Thanks for the encouragement KTdid and SoCalBeachGirl... i'm trying to stay kool about it and I do want the FI to enjoy some good times with his friends before the wedding... just not the day before! I also think that it's pretty lame to have a b-party after the wedding, the more i think about it the more dirty it feels, eeeew! We are in the NY, so there's not too many options available that do not involve drinking, etc.
Yeah, this is where you have to put your foot down. It absolutely used to be the norm to have the bachelor party the night before - and all the GMs and the groom would look like hell the morning of the wedding - totally hungover. I remember some weddings when I was right out of college where one of the main jobs of the BMs was to pass out Tylenol to the GMs and try to get them through the day. Not cool. Even activities the day of - my BIL went golfing the morning of his wedding, with his best man, and showed up a little liquored up. Not badly, but the problem was that he was ready for bed about halfway through the reception, between being in the sun all morning and starting his day of drinking about 10:00 am.
He had his bachelor party last weekend - three days of golfing and guy-bonding at a really nice resort. Our wedding is in July.
I would let your FI know that you've got no problem with whatever he wants to do for a bachelor party, as long as it's no later than the weekend before the wedding. That's totally reasonable. It sounds like he's not that into the idea anyway, and neither are his friends, or they would totally have a weekend trip planned. Let him know that getting sh*t-faced and staying out all night the night before the wedding is out. Trust me, unless he's a complete idiot, he already knows this.
ok i agree, none of those days will work. lol. the only thing that i'd agree to is for the guys to have a "day thing" on the day before. but i would let him know firmly but sweetly that it would be best that he be home by 9pm, lol. it is a big, long day and i definitely do not want the groom to be sleepy, tired, hung over, etc. too much at stake! :) maybe they can do a golf day or something LOL. the "night of" belongs to you and him, sorry. the guys aren't very good planners. :P my guys' friends aren't great planners either, but that's another whole story. good luck!
oh, i think the guys will be happy perhaps just hanging out at the beach, maybe do a bbq and have some beers. lol.
didnt check out everybody else's responses so this could be redundant.
you can not use hints with men. they are very thick headed. they do not comprehend like we women do. Therefore, i would stop the hinting and beating around the bush. Flat out say that they day before the wedding is off limits. the best man needs to come in earlier bc there will not be any b-party the day before and definitely not the day of your wedding when you will be getting married and heading off for the honeymoon.
Why would he want to "celebrate his last days of single-dom" after you're married?! After you're married, you don't get the right to have a bachelor party anymore. Period. Ugh. Men.
Good lord, bachelor parties are only for when you are still a bachelor! And wedding days AND nights are for the couple! Sheesh.
I'd be incensed. You are handling this far better than me. ;) My fiance had his bachelor party already- and we have a month to go. Makes much more sense.
Once he is married, he has voided his right to a bachelor party, in my opinion.
I would say he definitely has "a right" to a party with the guys after the wedding - this idea of bachelor/ette parties as being the end of your days of partying with your buddies is ludicrous.
That being said, it is also ludicrous to have a party involving lots of booze the night before the wedding. No one wants to be tired/hung over on the wedding day. If you felt comfortable with it, he can go off with his buddies DURING THE DAY before the wedding (depending on the schedule of your rehersal dinner), but he needs to be sober and in bed at a reasonable hour.
And if it's possible to get the guys together again after the honeymoon, propose that the bachelor party happen then. Or, heaven forbid, the best man doesn't get to be involved! You CAN have a party without the entire wedding party there - it's nice to have everyone, but with people living all over the place sometimes it just isn't feasible.
Thanks for the encouraging words girls and putting a smile back in my world. I'm so glad that i can count on the Bees for support at needed times =)
I have been plan it so that most of Friday should be free just for measures of adding in "oh shit" cushion time to fix last minute things. However, it is a workday for FI's friends that are not in the bridal party. We also have rehearsal dinner so unless all of his friends take a day off to do the guy thing in the morning (which is highly unlikely), it means it's going to be after the rehearsal dinner.
Ange - I dont believe that the the guys should stop partying after marriage. I dont think the other posters meant it that way either. But the essence of a bachelor party is just that, a "pre-marriage" thing. After you are married, you are not a bachelor anymore. At these things, it's common to go to guys and girls shows and do that stuff.... one eye one one eye closed... We're leaving for our honeymoon Monday. So any plans for a party after the wedding would be for Sunday, literally a day after. dirty.
wanna hear something else that is funny? the best man is having an extended stay in NYC (~a week). why can't he come a day earlier and leave a day earlier??? this blows my mind.
smt - I made the suggestion of doing it after the wedding/honeymoon simply because if the guys really want to get together and party, it sounds like that might be more feasible for them than trying to squeeze it into the day before the wedding. Perhaps I was misinterpretting others' comments, but some of the guy-bashing and saying one doesn't have the right to a bachelor party were coming off as pretty judgemental. It doesn't have to be called a bachelor party, but essentially any night out with the guys is going to be roughly the same thing.
Of course, I'm also of the mind set that, no matter your gender, you don't have to succumb to your baser instincts for your party. One doesn't have to go to a strip club or get completely trashed in order to have "one last night" of fun with one's friends.
MsAnge, my FI is going to Vegas and doing god knows what for his bachelor party (which is fine, I'm doing the same thing in Philly for mine). I don't know what smt's FI is planning, but I know that if my FI did that when we were married, it would be really disrespectful to me (nor would he even want to). A boys night out drinking is one thing, but getting random tatas shaken in his face should go away after the wedding.
Ange - I appreciate your thoughts in trying to provide some suggestions on how this can work out. I guess we have a difference in opinion on getting the guys together vs guys hanging out. IMO, I feel that a b-party celebrates a man's days pre-marriage and often might include woo hoo activities that would not be done when the guys just hang out.
You see FI's not the really the type that is into woo hoos -he and friends would go to a bar to see a game and such. But i can see that for this occasion (his woo hoo before tying the knot), he might actually do it and hit some strip clubs... what they do is ultimately their choice and i'd rather keep it that way. But i'm expecting that they drink crazy and woo hooo... among our circle of friends, it's pretty much the norm that those things would occur at a b party.
I'm also perplexed that since we had a long engagement, there really isn't much reason why it couldn't have been planned for before the wedding.
All - thanks again for your words and insights. It's always good to hear different perspectives.
Rebecca- I suppose that's one thing I've never understood - if it would be disrespectful after you're married, why isn't it disrespectful now? You're clearly not a casual girlfriend at this point, he wants to marry you and spend the rest of his life with you. I understand if maybe that's too personal a question - a lot of people don't want to talk about the personal boundaries in their relationships and that's totally fine. But to me, the relationship doesn't magically change after saying "I Do" - yes the legal status changes, and other people's perceptions of you may change, but you're still the same people you were before the ceremony stared, except now you share the titles of husband and wife rather than fiance or boyfriend/girlfriend.
I agree. Even though you may have been living together since forever, there are people that say putting the ring on the girls finger changes her. Maybe this is an example of what they are talking about.
It makes no sense to me. If it's ok to have the "ta-tas" in his face the day before the wedding, why is it such a big deal to do it after? That to me is an example of how the ring may change the girl, and thus lead to divorce. Don't get me wrong, that one little change doesn't lead to divorce, but why would you have different standards before and after a wedding? I think that would be asking for trouble.
I don't think you are being irrational at all. And you are far more lenient than I. I definitely want FI to get out and enjoy himself with his friends, but I have a very specific - nothing.is.to.go.down.within.7.days.of.the.wedding ruling.
and thought to myself.. *the bees will tell listen and give me their honest opinion*... so here goes...
The wedding is in approx 1 month. I just had my bridal shower - a great effort by my BMs *hugs* which ended up to be a great event... but not without Drama that would warrant a post of it's own.
I and others were curious when FI's bachelor party was going to be. 2 of the 3 groomsmen are from OOT. The best man in Cali. So i sent the Best Man an email to ask if there were any planned "pre marriage guys only activities". Letting him know that I'm ok with any of their plans as long as they have fun and I'd like to be aware of the schedule so I don't book any wedding planning related activities that requires FI during that time.
The Best Man responded saying that FI said he didn't want to have a b-party... but he will check again and if I could block off the DAY BEFORE the wedding it would be great. Ummm.. did he just say the day before??? I wrote back and dropped some hints that it since it's a morning wedding and might be better any other day - then they won't feel any constraints and can party harty.
Some days later I asked FI if they decided on the date. He said it "might be the day of the wedding or after". Huh? excuse me? The day of the wedding meaning after rehearsal dinner that you plan to start your b party into the wee hours of the morning and then have our wedding??? and um... I thought he was joking about the after wedding part. But an online chat with the Best Man just confirmed it... I started the conversation asking if he would be in town 2 days before the wedding for final fitting of his tux rental. He said he would be in the day before, early in the morning and "time is tight, still deciding if we can do a quickie [b-party] before or after the wedding and hope that you're (me) too intoxicated to notice".
Was that supposed to be a joke? I was not laughing. I feel that FI should have fun with his friends. but seriously are these dates the only options? Further, FI and I were talking on the phone and noticed that I was not my usual self and asked what was wrong. I was hestitant in telling him since it's really a guy thing (and I wasn't prepared to talk to him)... but ended up telling him since he kept asking what was wrong. Long story short. The converstation ended with him raising his voice and said it's not important to him to have a b-party and that he's his decision whether or not to have one. Umm... hello, did you just miss the issue?
Ok typing this out felt better... thank you for listening.
posted by smt 1 month agoIsn't it funny how sometimes the guys miss the whole issue? *sigh* No one wants a hung-over groom at the alter! You said that 2 of 3 groomsmen are OoT and the BM is in Cali... I assume you are also in Cali? How far OoT are the other two? Is it possible for them to do something the weekend before? Or, if the timing really isn't right, maybe your FI could suggest a weekend trip sometime after the wedding to thank the guys for their support at the wedding and they oculd make that a psuedo guys night out?
I'm out of ideas.. hopefully the other bees will have some good ones! Good luck :-)
posted by ktdid23 1 month agoWe're in NYC and 1 groomsman is in NYC, 1 in Seatle and the Best man is in Cali.
posted by smt 1 month agoI absolutely agree that the guys are not being very sensitive. But then again, we're talking about guys here!
With everyone being out of town, I understand that they would want to do a guy thing when they are all together. I know you're trying to be a cool bride by telling FI you're OK with the bachelor party and I think you really mean it.
However, implicit is not a thing that works well with guys who completely miss the point. I think you're absolutely within your right to tell FI and BM both that you expect FI to be in his best form on the day of the wedding. You trust them to deliver FI at the wedding fresh-faced and ready for the big day.
Leave it at that and trust that they'll do it. Maybe the "bach party" will just be the guys hanging out on the golf course with no debauchery planned? (I'm doing my best to send positive thoughts your way!)
posted by SoCalBeachGirl 1 month agoThanks for the encouragement KTdid and SoCalBeachGirl... i'm trying to stay kool about it and I do want the FI to enjoy some good times with his friends before the wedding... just not the day before! I also think that it's pretty lame to have a b-party after the wedding, the more i think about it the more dirty it feels, eeeew! We are in the NY, so there's not too many options available that do not involve drinking, etc.
posted by smt 1 month agoYeah, this is where you have to put your foot down. It absolutely used to be the norm to have the bachelor party the night before - and all the GMs and the groom would look like hell the morning of the wedding - totally hungover. I remember some weddings when I was right out of college where one of the main jobs of the BMs was to pass out Tylenol to the GMs and try to get them through the day. Not cool. Even activities the day of - my BIL went golfing the morning of his wedding, with his best man, and showed up a little liquored up. Not badly, but the problem was that he was ready for bed about halfway through the reception, between being in the sun all morning and starting his day of drinking about 10:00 am.
He had his bachelor party last weekend - three days of golfing and guy-bonding at a really nice resort. Our wedding is in July.
I would let your FI know that you've got no problem with whatever he wants to do for a bachelor party, as long as it's no later than the weekend before the wedding. That's totally reasonable. It sounds like he's not that into the idea anyway, and neither are his friends, or they would totally have a weekend trip planned. Let him know that getting sh*t-faced and staying out all night the night before the wedding is out. Trust me, unless he's a complete idiot, he already knows this.
posted by suzanno 1 month agook i agree, none of those days will work. lol. the only thing that i'd agree to is for the guys to have a "day thing" on the day before. but i would let him know firmly but sweetly that it would be best that he be home by 9pm, lol. it is a big, long day and i definitely do not want the groom to be sleepy, tired, hung over, etc. too much at stake! :) maybe they can do a golf day or something LOL. the "night of" belongs to you and him, sorry. the guys aren't very good planners. :P my guys' friends aren't great planners either, but that's another whole story. good luck!
oh, i think the guys will be happy perhaps just hanging out at the beach, maybe do a bbq and have some beers. lol.
posted by bride 1 month agodidnt check out everybody else's responses so this could be redundant.
you can not use hints with men. they are very thick headed. they do not comprehend like we women do. Therefore, i would stop the hinting and beating around the bush. Flat out say that they day before the wedding is off limits. the best man needs to come in earlier bc there will not be any b-party the day before and definitely not the day of your wedding when you will be getting married and heading off for the honeymoon.
hope this comes to a resolution soon....GL!
posted by GetMarried4Less 1 month agoWhy would he want to "celebrate his last days of single-dom" after you're married?! After you're married, you don't get the right to have a bachelor party anymore. Period. Ugh. Men.
posted by rebecca 1 month agoGood lord, bachelor parties are only for when you are still a bachelor! And wedding days AND nights are for the couple! Sheesh.
I would say he definitely has "a right" to a party with the guys after the wedding - this idea of bachelor/ette parties as being the end of your days of partying with your buddies is ludicrous.
That being said, it is also ludicrous to have a party involving lots of booze the night before the wedding. No one wants to be tired/hung over on the wedding day. If you felt comfortable with it, he can go off with his buddies DURING THE DAY before the wedding (depending on the schedule of your rehersal dinner), but he needs to be sober and in bed at a reasonable hour.
And if it's possible to get the guys together again after the honeymoon, propose that the bachelor party happen then. Or, heaven forbid, the best man doesn't get to be involved! You CAN have a party without the entire wedding party there - it's nice to have everyone, but with people living all over the place sometimes it just isn't feasible.
posted by MsAnge 1 month agoThanks for the encouraging words girls and putting a smile back in my world. I'm so glad that i can count on the Bees for support at needed times =)
I have been plan it so that most of Friday should be free just for measures of adding in "oh shit" cushion time to fix last minute things. However, it is a workday for FI's friends that are not in the bridal party. We also have rehearsal dinner so unless all of his friends take a day off to do the guy thing in the morning (which is highly unlikely), it means it's going to be after the rehearsal dinner.
Ange - I dont believe that the the guys should stop partying after marriage. I dont think the other posters meant it that way either. But the essence of a bachelor party is just that, a "pre-marriage" thing. After you are married, you are not a bachelor anymore. At these things, it's common to go to guys and girls shows and do that stuff.... one eye one one eye closed... We're leaving for our honeymoon Monday. So any plans for a party after the wedding would be for Sunday, literally a day after. dirty.
wanna hear something else that is funny? the best man is having an extended stay in NYC (~a week). why can't he come a day earlier and leave a day earlier??? this blows my mind.
posted by smt 1 month agosmt - I made the suggestion of doing it after the wedding/honeymoon simply because if the guys really want to get together and party, it sounds like that might be more feasible for them than trying to squeeze it into the day before the wedding. Perhaps I was misinterpretting others' comments, but some of the guy-bashing and saying one doesn't have the right to a bachelor party were coming off as pretty judgemental. It doesn't have to be called a bachelor party, but essentially any night out with the guys is going to be roughly the same thing.
Of course, I'm also of the mind set that, no matter your gender, you don't have to succumb to your baser instincts for your party. One doesn't have to go to a strip club or get completely trashed in order to have "one last night" of fun with one's friends.
posted by MsAnge 1 month agoMsAnge, my FI is going to Vegas and doing god knows what for his bachelor party (which is fine, I'm doing the same thing in Philly for mine). I don't know what smt's FI is planning, but I know that if my FI did that when we were married, it would be really disrespectful to me (nor would he even want to). A boys night out drinking is one thing, but getting random tatas shaken in his face should go away after the wedding.
posted by rebecca 1 month agoAnge - I appreciate your thoughts in trying to provide some suggestions on how this can work out. I guess we have a difference in opinion on getting the guys together vs guys hanging out. IMO, I feel that a b-party celebrates a man's days pre-marriage and often might include woo hoo activities that would not be done when the guys just hang out.
You see FI's not the really the type that is into woo hoos -he and friends would go to a bar to see a game and such. But i can see that for this occasion (his woo hoo before tying the knot), he might actually do it and hit some strip clubs... what they do is ultimately their choice and i'd rather keep it that way. But i'm expecting that they drink crazy and woo hooo... among our circle of friends, it's pretty much the norm that those things would occur at a b party.
I'm also perplexed that since we had a long engagement, there really isn't much reason why it couldn't have been planned for before the wedding.
All - thanks again for your words and insights. It's always good to hear different perspectives.
posted by smt 1 month agoRebecca- I suppose that's one thing I've never understood - if it would be disrespectful after you're married, why isn't it disrespectful now? You're clearly not a casual girlfriend at this point, he wants to marry you and spend the rest of his life with you. I understand if maybe that's too personal a question - a lot of people don't want to talk about the personal boundaries in their relationships and that's totally fine. But to me, the relationship doesn't magically change after saying "I Do" - yes the legal status changes, and other people's perceptions of you may change, but you're still the same people you were before the ceremony stared, except now you share the titles of husband and wife rather than fiance or boyfriend/girlfriend.
posted by MsAnge 1 month agoGuess I think that's just one of the perks of marriage!
posted by rebecca 1 month agoMsAnge:
I agree. Even though you may have been living together since forever, there are people that say putting the ring on the girls finger changes her. Maybe this is an example of what they are talking about.
It makes no sense to me. If it's ok to have the "ta-tas" in his face the day before the wedding, why is it such a big deal to do it after? That to me is an example of how the ring may change the girl, and thus lead to divorce. Don't get me wrong, that one little change doesn't lead to divorce, but why would you have different standards before and after a wedding? I think that would be asking for trouble.
Candi
posted by Candi1024 1 month agoI don't want anyone else's ta-tas in my man's face except mine...before, during, or after the wedding. ;)
posted by hubandwif 1 month agoI don't think you are being irrational at all. And you are far more lenient than I. I definitely want FI to get out and enjoy himself with his friends, but I have a very specific - nothing.is.to.go.down.within.7.days.of.the.wedding ruling.
posted by cbkj 1 month ago