me and my husband-to-be have finally picked a new last name to share. he will do a regular name change with the court then i will take his name when after we get married. this is the easiest and cheapest option.
so this is the name:
Valis
it is a combination of some of the letters of our current last names.
we are going to start the process this monday! how exciting. we have already downloaded and filled out the paperwork from our city's website.
Curious, what does his family think about it? I took my husbands name, although I teased him he'd be taking mine. (i like my last name- not common and italian, his is quite american "vanilla") My family was quite surprised I didn't move my last name to my middle- - it just didn't sound right.
And I guess I'm a traditionalist at heart....who knew!
my family is fine about it. they have always been pretty supportive even if they think it's weird. they weren't upset.
he's actually talking to his family right now and they are very upset! we let them know about a year ago, so i don't know why they are so upset now. i guess they didn't think we were so serious about this.
i think his dad is the worst! he actually said a snide racist comment about me which is really hurtful. his dad must think i'm making him do this even though it's was his son's idea. and he is also being very sexist!
i had no idea he was like this. i always had my suspicions that his dad didn't like me but my guy always dismissed it. now i know for a fact he doesn't like me.
i don't know what to do. i think you should just love your children. we aren't trying to hurt anyone.
names have always changed and there was once a time when no one had a second name. times change! some people have too much difficulty adjusting.
I dunno...sugary rocks...I know it wasn't your idea....but I think it's nice to take your husband's name....it's what's been going on for a long time..way before you were around....it's a tradition, but you are right it is a new day and age now....although just remember his dad may not be upset just because he may not like you...it is his family name.....and the family has every right to voice their opinions...good or bad....a marriage is a union of not just 2 ppl, but their families as well......this is just my opinion....
Well, it's too bad his dad is not more open-minded. He really didn't name his son as far as his last name - unless, that is, he changed his own last name! Otherwise, your FI got his last name by default. It's also too bad that his dad can't see that changing his last name shouldn't affect his their relationship at all - although talking bad about you and criticizing your joint decision certainly might damage their relationship. Especially if it goes on...
I tease my FI that he will have to take my name - although really I think I will take his name. I know he's flattered at the idea that I would consider taking his name, although he makes sure to tell me that it's whatever I want. I also know that changing his name wouldn't be his first choice, but I think that if I was insistent, he would.
I agree that the family has the right to voice their opinions. And then they have an obligation to respect the decision that you have made as adults, and shut the heck up about it. It does no good to continue to b*tch about a decision you don't agree with or understand, especially once it's over. This can be a hard lesson for parents to learn - that once their kids are grown, they need to be treated as adults, with respect. It might be appropriate for your FI to let his dad know that is his expectation.
Just sat here reading your note and had a discussion with my FI about it. While I was pro the name change, he was against it, and not because he wouldn't change his last name, but because it means separating yourselves completely from the two families you came from. He made some good points.
Even when there were no lastnames per se, you were known by some qualifier (the place you were from, so-and-so's son, or by your job) that have become our modern lastnames. Although they may seem like trivial names now, they signify to the world that you are part of that family and he can see why your FI's father and family may be upset.
Have you thought about taking both of your last names as they are and both changing your names legally to both? Seems like it may be a good compromise where you both get a new last name without disregarding the family names you were born with.
there is no way i could ever ask him to change his family name. and for me, i'm just adding on his last name so that i can still keep my name while also honoring his.
do what you both want to do, as long as that decision is in both of your hearts and you are 100% behind it. if there are any doubts whatsoever from either side, i would hold on the idea until it becomes 100%.
UPDATE: his parents called back the next day to more or less apologize and say they love us.
they definitely overreacted and his dad was very inappropriate. i think they are doing better now, but either way this is our decision. i haven't let my own parents make my decisions for a long time. no reason to start following "orders" now! we just wanted to give them time to react and cool down. this was just a little bump in the road.
we will be heading to the courthouse this fri. or mon. I'm still excited and very happy to be starting a new family name and history with my beloved.
this is an amazing feeling. i feel so connected to him.
don't be surprised if you see other couples doing this.
i personally believe that we should all be free to decide what is the best choice for each of us on our own terms. i don't think this is right for everyone and i wouldn't push anyone.
i like the idea of everyone being able to do what is best for themselves and know that there is more than one way - more than one truth. no tradition is good when it feels forced and we have forgotten why we are doing something to begin with. we should be aware and not be afraid to question ourselves.
this should be thought of as just another option among many routes such as hyphenating, moving maiden name to middle name, taking his/her name, or adopting a new name, etc.
thank you bees! i appreciate hearing different viewpoints and am happy that my questions were answered.
me and my husband-to-be have finally picked a new last name to share. he will do a regular name change with the court then i will take his name when after we get married. this is the easiest and cheapest option.
so this is the name:
Valis
it is a combination of some of the letters of our current last names.
we are going to start the process this monday! how exciting. we have already downloaded and filled out the paperwork from our city's website.
so what do you think?
posted by SugaryRocks 1 month agoI think it's pretty. Congratulations on your new name
posted by gingerbread 1 month agoIt's nice!
posted by hwong14 1 month agoVery nice!
For fun, I Googled it and came up with this:
"VALIS is a 1981 science fiction novel by Philip K. Dick. The title is an acronym for Vast Active Living Intelligence System"
Pretty cool! posted by beanchar 1 month agoCongrats!
posted by may23bride 1 month agoneat.
posted by lindsaywillman 1 month agoFYI - changing your name is a total PAIN. I used the kit available on http://realgreenweddings.blogspot.com/ and it really helped. Good luck!
posted by KLHM 1 month agolooks nice...how do you pronounce it?
Valees? ValISS?, Valish? Or something else?
posted by BaghdadBride 1 month agoWow! How very cool.
Curious, what does his family think about it? I took my husbands name, although I teased him he'd be taking mine. (i like my last name- not common and italian, his is quite american "vanilla") My family was quite surprised I didn't move my last name to my middle- - it just didn't sound right.
And I guess I'm a traditionalist at heart....who knew!
posted by beesknees 1 month agoit's pronounced "ValISS".
my family is fine about it. they have always been pretty supportive even if they think it's weird. they weren't upset.
he's actually talking to his family right now and they are very upset! we let them know about a year ago, so i don't know why they are so upset now. i guess they didn't think we were so serious about this.
i think his dad is the worst! he actually said a snide racist comment about me which is really hurtful. his dad must think i'm making him do this even though it's was his son's idea. and he is also being very sexist!
i had no idea he was like this. i always had my suspicions that his dad didn't like me but my guy always dismissed it. now i know for a fact he doesn't like me.
i don't know what to do. i think you should just love your children. we aren't trying to hurt anyone.
names have always changed and there was once a time when no one had a second name. times change! some people have too much difficulty adjusting.
posted by SugaryRocks 1 month agooh and thank you all for the nice comments! it means a lot to me. :)
posted by SugaryRocks 1 month agoI like the name! LOL but it is a title of an old sci-fi book! I'm sorry about your FFIL But it sounds like your FI is very supportive. Good luck!!
posted by BunnyBlue 1 month agoWow I must be living under a rock because I have never heard of that. It's pretty cool actually, wish I had considered it:)
posted by bree 1 month agoI dunno...sugary rocks...I know it wasn't your idea....but I think it's nice to take your husband's name....it's what's been going on for a long time..way before you were around....it's a tradition, but you are right it is a new day and age now....although just remember his dad may not be upset just because he may not like you...it is his family name.....and the family has every right to voice their opinions...good or bad....a marriage is a union of not just 2 ppl, but their families as well......this is just my opinion....
posted by MissPodo 1 month agoyes misspodo you have a point. he does think that way and finds it difficult to think of it in a positive way unfortunately.
he can only focus on "but no one does that" and "I named you that" and "you're not a woman!"
posted by SugaryRocks 1 month agoWell, it's too bad his dad is not more open-minded. He really didn't name his son as far as his last name - unless, that is, he changed his own last name! Otherwise, your FI got his last name by default. It's also too bad that his dad can't see that changing his last name shouldn't affect his their relationship at all - although talking bad about you and criticizing your joint decision certainly might damage their relationship. Especially if it goes on...
I tease my FI that he will have to take my name - although really I think I will take his name. I know he's flattered at the idea that I would consider taking his name, although he makes sure to tell me that it's whatever I want. I also know that changing his name wouldn't be his first choice, but I think that if I was insistent, he would.
I agree that the family has the right to voice their opinions. And then they have an obligation to respect the decision that you have made as adults, and shut the heck up about it. It does no good to continue to b*tch about a decision you don't agree with or understand, especially once it's over. This can be a hard lesson for parents to learn - that once their kids are grown, they need to be treated as adults, with respect. It might be appropriate for your FI to let his dad know that is his expectation.
posted by suzanno 1 month agoJust sat here reading your note and had a discussion with my FI about it. While I was pro the name change, he was against it, and not because he wouldn't change his last name, but because it means separating yourselves completely from the two families you came from. He made some good points.
Even when there were no lastnames per se, you were known by some qualifier (the place you were from, so-and-so's son, or by your job) that have become our modern lastnames. Although they may seem like trivial names now, they signify to the world that you are part of that family and he can see why your FI's father and family may be upset.
Have you thought about taking both of your last names as they are and both changing your names legally to both? Seems like it may be a good compromise where you both get a new last name without disregarding the family names you were born with.
posted by awhalley 1 month agothere is no way i could ever ask him to change his family name. and for me, i'm just adding on his last name so that i can still keep my name while also honoring his.
do what you both want to do, as long as that decision is in both of your hearts and you are 100% behind it. if there are any doubts whatsoever from either side, i would hold on the idea until it becomes 100%.
i like the awhalley's idea above, if anything.
posted by bride 1 month agoUPDATE: his parents called back the next day to more or less apologize and say they love us.
they definitely overreacted and his dad was very inappropriate. i think they are doing better now, but either way this is our decision. i haven't let my own parents make my decisions for a long time. no reason to start following "orders" now! we just wanted to give them time to react and cool down. this was just a little bump in the road.
we will be heading to the courthouse this fri. or mon. I'm still excited and very happy to be starting a new family name and history with my beloved.
this is an amazing feeling.
i feel so connected to him.
don't be surprised if you see other couples doing this.
posted by SugaryRocks 1 month agoALSO...
i personally believe that we should all be free to decide what is the best choice for each of us on our own terms. i don't think this is right for everyone and i wouldn't push anyone.
i like the idea of everyone being able to do what is best for themselves and know that there is more than one way - more than one truth. no tradition is good when it feels forced and we have forgotten why we are doing something to begin with. we should be aware and not be afraid to question ourselves.
this should be thought of as just another option among many routes such as hyphenating, moving maiden name to middle name, taking his/her name, or adopting a new name, etc.
thank you bees! i appreciate hearing different viewpoints and am happy that my questions were answered.
posted by SugaryRocks 1 month ago