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@love108: Lol I don't know if counting the days is a good or bad thing. Admittedly last time I did it, it was over 700 days! So it does go down fast(ish).
He does but he seems really laid back. M timline is this: have a baby by 34 at the latest, so must be trying at 33 (in case we struggle and even that isn't a long time frame). I think we should be married a year before having a child which brings us to 32. I estimate that saving up for a wedding should take a year or two so should be starting by 30 at the latest and he wants to just be getting engaged then so it's kinda spot on but the thing that's stressing me is that it's all too close - what if we struggle to conceive?? Even if we could move everything by a year so we can plan it properly (so get engaged in less than 300 days lol).
It just seems like so much to do in such a short time and all so expensive. I'm stressed and I'm not even engaged yet!
Oh wow, I think you're trying to plan a little too much :) Have you considered having a smaller wedding so you can be closer to "spot on", as he says? It's just so strange that you're going to wait for 2 years for him to propose, if this was my situation I would choose a smaller wedding and just get engaged sooner.
@squeak: Tbh I'm guessing about how long saving would take - we never talk much past engagement to know what size of wedding etc
I think this definitely needs to be communicated. If getting married is important to you (and I don't know if this is the case) I would tell him, I just want to be married and start a family. We can elope! I knew that I was truly ready to marry my SO when I was ok with not having a big party. I think my parents would kill me, but I know that if he said, let's go to the court house and do this... TOMORROW. I'd be on board. If having children sooner is important to you, then I would make it clear that that mightnot mean you expect a huge wedding, etc, because that might beon his mind. Just my opinion :)
Yeah that is a long time! Why the long wait? Is it because he wants to save for an expensive ring? It doesn't sound like you two are on the same page as far as timelines are concerned, and it might be helpful to have a talk about it and express your concerns. He doesn't need to worry about HIS biological clock, so of course he is more laid back about waiting, Not sure how long you two have been together, but if he waiting simply to have his freedom before marriage or take another two years to figure out if he wants to be with you, then I would be thinking of getting out of the relationship. That's just me though!
Also, for some perspective. I'm only 23 and as far as I know, no fertility problems, but after 4+ years together and a plan for me to move 500 miles away to be with him, I was NOT ok with him waiting more than a couple of months after I move in to propose. I have been silently "waiting" for a year, and now that we have a compromise timeline, still about 9 months to go. I made it clear that I love him but I just cannot feel comfortable moving forward if this is not on the agenda. We also discussed marriage expectations (where, when, etc) so that it wouldn't be that he'd ask me to marry him, I'd say tomorrow (not the case ahah) when he was really hoping for a long engagement. IT was not a fun conversation, but definitely necessary, and unfortunately if he had not been able to compromise on his plan of not asking me for another 1.5+ years, I told him I was going to have to look for jobs elsewhere. It's just not fair.
You are unbelievably patient, and so gracious. When a thread is updated, you are always the first to comment with congratulations or a kind word if needed. I hope it happens for you soon. And you have a timeline. Chin up :)
i'm 18 months older than my SO so he's definitely not on the same page age-wise as me when it comes to getting married/starting a family.
however - he knows i want to have children before i'm 30. although he would prefer to have kids at 30 - i would then be 32 and considering i've moved 300 miles away to be with him, and supported him whilst he focuses on his dream career, i've had to talk to him about compromising for me like i'm compromising for him. he's agreed and said he'll propose before i'm 26, we'll no doubt get married when i'm 26/27 and have our first child by the time i'm 27/28 which i am happy with.
it's always good to be honest and get your feelings out there!
despite still have 7 months to go until i'm 26, i've decided to get started on things on my own anyway. it doesn't hurt to start thinking about how much my 'dream wedding' would cost - and that way i've got a good indicator of what we'd be able to afford and what we could have to cut back on.
plus, i've also started saving for an engagement watch for him. that way i'm doing my own bit of saving and can see it from a guy's perspective.
why not start saving for the wedding yourself now? just a bit put aside each month - and then maybe your wedding will come sooner than you expect once he proposes.
although i think the REAL question here is why has he given you a 2 year mark? to save? because that's when he finishes training for his job and he'll finally be on better money? these are the kind of reasons i'd imagine to hear for putting a date stamp on it like that. otherwise you need to ask yourself some serious questions about whether or not this is something that he actually wants himself.
guys can lead girls on for far too long, and with a biological clock it's just not fair for them to do that. if he really has no intention of marrying you - get out while you're still young enough!
(also on a side note: why did you wait 700 days last time? what's that story?)
I agree with @treacle:, start saving for the wedding now. Or plan to have a budget wedding. If your heart is set on having kids by a certain date, you shouldn't let the cost of a wedding stand in your way IMO.
hang in there!! :) That's all I can say lol. I am sending positive vibes your way so that your timeline can stay in tact! I too, stress out about when to start a family and wanting the wedding sooner than later so I'm not too "old" imo. You got this!
@treacle: I think she meant last time she thought about how many more days it would be, it was 700, so now it's a little less. That's if I'm reading this correctly!
@love108: ohhhh!! that makes more sense. i was thinking he'd set a deadline of 700 days before and she'd already gone through it!
@treacle: Oh gosh, if that was the case (tell me I'm wrong!) I would say runnnnnn!!!!
@Scottish_lassie: Looks like we'll be on the same long waiting voyage together!
Woah I added up my waiting days...715...hehe not going to do that again! Anyways happy wedding saving! Hopefully your wait will be up sooner than you think.
@Scottish_lassie: Sounds like you're worried about things out of your control, which is bound to stress you out. Sounds harsh I know but you have plenty of time! Why do you think you "should be" married a year before having kids?
If you are really worried about your ability to conceive, maybe you should have a small intimate wedding (something you won't need to save for two years to afford). I also agree with @treacle - you could start putting some money away in the meantime to help speed things along
@Scottish_lassie: Oh I know how you feel, I'm 28 and have told SO that if I don't have a ring on my finger by the time I'm 29 I'm going to flip out. I have PCOS (fertility problem) and fear that if I'm not married and trying for a child by 30 I will not be able to have kids. I was really stressing about this before my birthday and we both know where the other stands, now the ball is in his court and he hinted about a ring on Saturday so I hope that means he's listening lol. Good luck and make sure you and your SO know where each other stands!
@love108: No I'm totally with you - getting married is super important to me and I would marry him tomorrow if he would agree to it but...he said no :'-( Not that I formally proposed but I asked in general lol. I've talked til I'm blue in the face, he just won't budge on dates at all and I swear if I didn't love him with all my soul I'd be starting to look elsewhere (that's how anxious I am about never having kids)
@shirasagi: We live together so not sure he has his freedom as it is lol. Tbh he won't tell me why the long wait, just that it's too soon or we have no money (he's on £25k and I'm doing relief work but when I get a job I'll be on £21k, we have no debt other than the mortgage so I don't see what the problem is)
@love108: I know what you mean. I worry too that as time goes on I'll start resenting him - think I already do at times like when my sister gave him a keyring with a pic of my neice and nephew on it, after our talk and hs refusal to budge I don't like him having that - I feel like if he doesn't want to/won't be family then I want strict BF/GF only guidelines. Like I wouldn't need to go round to his parents for dinner or birthdays etc and vice versa, also really kinda want to move out but not sure if I'm being immature. He is my soul and I'd be devastated to lose him.
@treacle: He never gave any reason for the two year deadline, just that that's when he sees it happening. I asked him to explain earlier this week and he said and I quote: 'you don't plan to get engaged'...WHAT!!!!! Dude is crazy but I truly will leave him if the day of the two year mark passes and then one more day and no ring.
Don't think I was very clear, sorry - I meant the last time I added up the dates that he said he would propose by it was 700 days and when I posted the original thread it was down to 655. He only moves the deadline in terms of saying 'when we've been together for longer', 'when we have a house' etc.
The ring I want is under £1K, he even said it was really reasonable (less than half his months wage). I would get married in a borrowed field I really don't care, I just want to marry him.
Hmm you've got me worried that he doesn't really want it - I was hoping it was because he had a bad experience in the past - he was two months off proposing to his ex when she dumped him.
So tired of talking about it and getting nowhere. Starting to think that once my job's sorted I should make plans to move out of his house and refuse to move back until he makes a commitment
@Over the Moon: See I was going to start saving for the wedding but then I thought, why would I do that on my own, shouldn't we do that together, because we should both want to do that together.
@MissTX: Thank you :-) I need all the good vibes I can get - feel like I should run away now and have my heart shattered rather than havng it shattered in 2 years when it's seriously getting too late to move on
@love108: Lol no, you were right - it was 700 days when I added it up at first and now it's 655 (or was when I posted the thread)
@WaitingtoBee: I think you're right - I'm freaking because they are out of my control and I feel like he holds all the control over it - it's like for the last year my biological clock has went into overdrive.
The year thing is kinda a health thing - I am on some very strong arthritis meds that would seriously deform a child, I have to be off them for a year before even trying to conceive and although I could come off them before the wedding, the chances are the stress would confine me to my bed unable to physically move :-S
Maybe I just need to find some better relaxation techniques lol
@annasaf83: Thanks that's very sweet. What great news you had to share about the hint about a ring. I'll cross my fingers for you :-)
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..Until date SO has promised to propose by. Not keeping my fingers crossed, HATE that it's so far away - feel like if I wait til then it'll be too late to move on and find someone else if it doesn't happen (don't mean to sound like cow, just worried that if I wait longer I won't be able to have kids due to health reasons)