A girl that I was friends with all through elementary school-high school sent me a message that said "when is the wedding? i hope i'm invited " aside from a few ims or facebook messages a year, i haven't seen or spoken to her in 7 years! what is up with this!? this is incredibly out of line, right? especially the frowny!! to limit the guest list we made a rule that anyone we hadn't seen or spoken to in the last 2 years can't make the cut. how do I handle this without coming off like a huge jerk? (which i secretly want to be, by the way, but just don't have the heart to do so)
Oh, this will happen again and again. Just tell her that it's frustrating - there are soooo many people you would love to invite - but you are trying to figure out your budget and your venue only holds so many, and so it looks like you're probably going to have to limit the guest list to family and a few close friends. If she thinks she's a "close friend" when you haven't spoken to her in seven years, she's totally clueless.
My experience was that anyone with any class responded to this by saying "Oh, sorry to put you on the spot. Of course we would love to be there but we understand." Anyone who doesn't respond this way really is a jerk and you shouldn't care if they are offended.
FYI - some people who are trolling for invitations will also try to give you lots of advice on how to make your reception less expensive, so you can invite more people. Seriously - they're now doing your planning for you. In that case, you just tell them that you (and your FI and your parents) have some specific ideas about what you want, and so it's likely that a kegger in the park won't be happening - although that's a great idea, and you're glad it went well for their daughter, or sister, or whatever.
Yes, out of line, but hopefully in the spirit of wanting to celebrate with you! I think suzanno's advice on how to respond is great.
BTW, I only had one experience with this - my childhood dance teacher asked if she would be invited when I visited her shortly after being engaged (I see her once every few years). I thought about it and ended up inviting her because I wanted to - and she couldn't come anyways in the end!!
People are ridiculous. My FI had someone IM him and ask if he was invited to the wedding. Ummm we don't ever hang out with you or even like you so why would you even think to ask!?!?!?!?!?! CRAZY
I had someone last night - a person I work with two times a year who is clear across the country - email me with her address. Thanks Suzanno, I'm going to do exactly what you said. It's my first encounter with it and it really put me off. She also included "if you want to save a stamp, just tell me where you're registered" so I'm thinking she just wants to get us a present but I still feel very weird about the situation.
Wow jma19, that is different. I'm not sure what I would do. Maybe she does just want to get you a present. I suppose if you can send her an invitation and don't mind inviting her, you could go ahead. If she lives clear across the country and you don't see her much then it's unlikely she will actually show up. If you can't invite, maybe send an apologetic email, let her know (since she asked) where you're registered, and then emphasize that while it's nice of her to ask you of course don't expect a present.
I have noticed that work friends, even if not invited, often still want to do something for you. A girlfriend of mine who is in management has suggested a "work shower" as a good way to let everybody in the office feel included even if they aren't invited to the wedding. And I totally understand that - I've attended lots of work baby showers - where although I would have felt a little odd to attend a party at the co-workers house with a bunch of her non-work friends that I don't know, I was more than happy to chip in for a group present or even buy a little something myself, bake some cookies or cupcakes, and have the chance to wish her well.
ugh i have been dealing with this too! i don't know what it is about weddings that induces all these long lost friends to suddenly surface and start fishing for invites. i don't understand why they want to come so badly if we never talk and never see each other and we are clearly not close friends at all!
i usually tell these people "since FI's family is offering to pay, the guestlist is in their hands so i don't have much say. between the two of us, there are a LOT of family members to invite so there's barely any room for any of our own friends!" also, i don't talk about wedding planning at all with people who are not invited. if they ask, i stay as vague as possible.
This may not work for every situation, but I would honestly just ignore the question. Something like, "Oh, the wedding is October 20. Thank you so much for asking about it. It's so nice that you're interested in how we are doing even though we haven't seen each other in years! How are you doing?" You don't need to justify anything to her, especially since she's someone you haven't seen in over 2 years. Don't stress out about it.
A couple people that fished for invitations I gave into. Guess what, 4 people fished for invites, and all four of them first reserved, and have now cancelled at the last minute. Follow your instincts. If they were not on your list to begin with, follow everyone else's recommendations on how to turn them down.
Wow, I just had a similar incident happen to me last night, but even worse it was through TEXT messages on my cell phone. How tacky! My fiance and I had the same rule, if we haven't seen/spoken to you in two years, you're cut. So, some friends from college will make the cut, and others won't.
Yeah - one more downside to invitation lists! Thankfully, my FI gets this more often than I do. We think people are by and large clueless or figure that any party we're throwing is going to have great food (we're both known for our cooking/baking). While it is flattering that so many people are interested, they don't seem to get that someone has to pay for the party and it is NOT cheap. Suzanno's advice is spot on. We're just letting everyone who asks know that it's a very small family wedding. For us, this has the added benefit of being true, but the downside is that we have to break the bad news to even more people!
Just be as polite as possible and stick to your guns on the invite list. The two-year rule was really helpful for us when we created and refined our list.
The girls above have some great adive - and I just want to say that you are right, it uncalled for and I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this. It seems we all have had one guest pull this one...ugh. Annyoing - RIGHT?! Irks me!
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre"> I had a girl who I have known for a long time but am not really great friends with flat out ask me in person, "Am I invited?" I was flustered (and it was during our sorority senior pub crawl...) so I just said "Yeah!" without thinking. Now I feel bad because I don't really want to invite her, but I sent her a save the date a long time ago so there is no turning back. I wish I had said something more vague when she asked!
If you haven't spoken to her in seven yrs then that means you haven't seen her in seven yrs. Don't sweat it. I'm with suzanno on this one AND the rest of the ladies on here Don't worry we all go through it. My FI's sister went as far as to tell me she'll pay for her friends' meals (not including her friends' boyfriends) if I could just invite them. I told his sister that money's tight and we're done with our guest list. "Well, they're both expecting an invite and they've also known Mr. NorCal as long as they've known me." WTF?!?!?! It's so frustrating. I've known my neighbors for over 15 yrs but guess what? Even they didn't make the cut! I just wanted to scream "I don't give a crap about them so they're not invited." How does someone grow the balls to ask that from me. I see these girls and their bfs once a year maybe and usually say Hi and that's pretty much it. I just don't get it.
My in laws bosses thought they were invited... and I was like UMMM WTF? You're not paying for a f'in thing! NOTHING. I am NOT giving any MORE spaces for your people that WE don't know. (they had two tables- yes twenty extra mouths to feed) AINT HAPPENING.
People will do this up until the day of your wedding. Just tell them you are trying to keep it close family and friends only, and unfortunately, DUE TO SPACE/LOCATION restraints, we cannot accommodate any more people- it would be against the fire code & they could close down our event... then follow it up with a catty "I know you wouldn't want that to happen now, would you?!?"
We purposely chose a small location due to the fact I knew I would want to invite everyone we've ever met. And the above response was pretty much what I used when people asked for their invites.
if i had a dollar everytime this question was posed!! this probably wont be the 1st person who "fishes" for an invite...
you are by no means obligated to invite anyone to your wedding - especially someone you havent hung out with or whatever for 7 years???
get ready for the wave of people "fishing" for invites - dont go back on the rules your fh and you have set (2 years) --- if that works for you guys, then roll with it...
thanks for all the advice! i think i handled it nicely. i basically said, unfortunately with such big families on both sides we're having to exclude a lot of family, not to mention friends. we wish we could invite everyone but it's just impossible. then i coyly said, "wow, i haven't heard from you in forever! how have you been?"
having somone offer to pay for the guest they want to invite is so obnoxious. it isn't the one guest that will break the bank, but the 10 others you'll have to invite if you invite that one guest! then it becomes a battle of wills! the more you ask me, the less likely i am to give in!
I haven't had any one request an invite for themselves. I have, however, had people requesting invites for others. Just last night, I went to dinner with 2 former co-workers. Co-worker #1 I talk to regularly, co-worker #2 I've barely spoken to since I left the job 3 years ago. After leaving the restaurant, #1 walked #2 to her car then came running to my car to let me know that #2 was "really hurt and doesn't understand why she wasn't invited to the wedding". (Maybe because she's made no attempt to keep in touch for the last 3 years?) Then #1 told me that she thought I should still invite #2. The wedding is in two weeks and I'm not changing the cutoff line that FI & I drew long ago so I don't think so. But I do feel bad about it.
A girl that I was friends with all through elementary school-high school sent me a message that said "when is the wedding? i hope i'm invited
" aside from a few ims or facebook messages a year, i haven't seen or spoken to her in 7 years! what is up with this!? this is incredibly out of line, right? especially the frowny!! to limit the guest list we made a rule that anyone we hadn't seen or spoken to in the last 2 years can't make the cut. how do I handle this without coming off like a huge jerk? (which i secretly want to be, by the way, but just don't have the heart to do so)
posted by Majestic 2 months agoOh, this will happen again and again. Just tell her that it's frustrating - there are soooo many people you would love to invite - but you are trying to figure out your budget and your venue only holds so many, and so it looks like you're probably going to have to limit the guest list to family and a few close friends. If she thinks she's a "close friend" when you haven't spoken to her in seven years, she's totally clueless.
My experience was that anyone with any class responded to this by saying "Oh, sorry to put you on the spot. Of course we would love to be there but we understand." Anyone who doesn't respond this way really is a jerk and you shouldn't care if they are offended.
FYI - some people who are trolling for invitations will also try to give you lots of advice on how to make your reception less expensive, so you can invite more people. Seriously - they're now doing your planning for you. In that case, you just tell them that you (and your FI and your parents) have some specific ideas about what you want, and so it's likely that a kegger in the park won't be happening - although that's a great idea, and you're glad it went well for their daughter, or sister, or whatever.
posted by suzanno 2 months agoYes, out of line, but hopefully in the spirit of wanting to celebrate with you! I think suzanno's advice on how to respond is great.
BTW, I only had one experience with this - my childhood dance teacher asked if she would be invited when I visited her shortly after being engaged (I see her once every few years). I thought about it and ended up inviting her because I wanted to - and she couldn't come anyways in the end!!
posted by Janna19 2 months agoPeople are ridiculous. My FI had someone IM him and ask if he was invited to the wedding. Ummm we don't ever hang out with you or even like you so why would you even think to ask!?!?!?!?!?! CRAZY
posted by debyeb27 2 months agoOh, the frowny face makes it so much worse. It screams "take pity on me, please!" Ditto what Suzanno said. Sorry you have to deal with this!
posted by rebecca 2 months agoI had someone last night - a person I work with two times a year who is clear across the country - email me with her address. Thanks Suzanno, I'm going to do exactly what you said. It's my first encounter with it and it really put me off. She also included "if you want to save a stamp, just tell me where you're registered" so I'm thinking she just wants to get us a present but I still feel very weird about the situation.
posted by jma19 2 months agoWow jma19, that is different. I'm not sure what I would do. Maybe she does just want to get you a present. I suppose if you can send her an invitation and don't mind inviting her, you could go ahead. If she lives clear across the country and you don't see her much then it's unlikely she will actually show up. If you can't invite, maybe send an apologetic email, let her know (since she asked) where you're registered, and then emphasize that while it's nice of her to ask you of course don't expect a present.
I have noticed that work friends, even if not invited, often still want to do something for you. A girlfriend of mine who is in management has suggested a "work shower" as a good way to let everybody in the office feel included even if they aren't invited to the wedding. And I totally understand that - I've attended lots of work baby showers - where although I would have felt a little odd to attend a party at the co-workers house with a bunch of her non-work friends that I don't know, I was more than happy to chip in for a group present or even buy a little something myself, bake some cookies or cupcakes, and have the chance to wish her well.
posted by suzanno 2 months agough i have been dealing with this too! i don't know what it is about weddings that induces all these long lost friends to suddenly surface and start fishing for invites. i don't understand why they want to come so badly if we never talk and never see each other and we are clearly not close friends at all!
i usually tell these people "since FI's family is offering to pay, the guestlist is in their hands so i don't have much say. between the two of us, there are a LOT of family members to invite so there's barely any room for any of our own friends!" also, i don't talk about wedding planning at all with people who are not invited. if they ask, i stay as vague as possible.
posted by emileee 2 months agoThis may not work for every situation, but I would honestly just ignore the question. Something like, "Oh, the wedding is October 20. Thank you so much for asking about it. It's so nice that you're interested in how we are doing even though we haven't seen each other in years! How are you doing?" You don't need to justify anything to her, especially since she's someone you haven't seen in over 2 years. Don't stress out about it.
posted by prettykatie 2 months agoA couple people that fished for invitations I gave into. Guess what, 4 people fished for invites, and all four of them first reserved, and have now cancelled at the last minute. Follow your instincts. If they were not on your list to begin with, follow everyone else's recommendations on how to turn them down.
posted by Candi1024 2 months agoI'm with prettykatie on this one.
posted by briannie 2 months agoWow, I just had a similar incident happen to me last night, but even worse it was through TEXT messages on my cell phone. How tacky! My fiance and I had the same rule, if we haven't seen/spoken to you in two years, you're cut. So, some friends from college will make the cut, and others won't.
posted by pattyb 2 months agoYeah - one more downside to invitation lists! Thankfully, my FI gets this more often than I do. We think people are by and large clueless or figure that any party we're throwing is going to have great food (we're both known for our cooking/baking). While it is flattering that so many people are interested, they don't seem to get that someone has to pay for the party and it is NOT cheap. Suzanno's advice is spot on. We're just letting everyone who asks know that it's a very small family wedding. For us, this has the added benefit of being true, but the downside is that we have to break the bad news to even more people!
Just be as polite as possible and stick to your guns on the invite list. The two-year rule was really helpful for us when we created and refined our list.
Good luck!
posted by missm 2 months agoThe girls above have some great adive - and I just want to say that you are right, it uncalled for and I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this. It seems we all have had one guest pull this one...ugh. Annyoing - RIGHT?! Irks me!
Hang in there!
posted by Sweeney2Be 2 months ago<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre"> I had a girl who I have known for a long time but am not really great friends with flat out ask me in person, "Am I invited?" I was flustered (and it was during our sorority senior pub crawl...) so I just said "Yeah!" without thinking. Now I feel bad because I don't really want to invite her, but I sent her a save the date a long time ago so there is no turning back. I wish I had said something more vague when she asked!
posted by PurpleTulips 2 months agoIf you haven't spoken to her in seven yrs then that means you haven't seen her in seven yrs. Don't sweat it. I'm with suzanno on this one AND the rest of the ladies on here
Don't worry we all go through it. My FI's sister went as far as to tell me she'll pay for her friends' meals (not including her friends' boyfriends) if I could just invite them. I told his sister that money's tight and we're done with our guest list. "Well, they're both expecting an invite and they've also known Mr. NorCal as long as they've known me." WTF?!?!?! It's so frustrating. I've known my neighbors for over 15 yrs but guess what? Even they didn't make the cut! I just wanted to scream "I don't give a crap about them so they're not invited." How does someone grow the balls to ask that from me. I see these girls and their bfs once a year maybe and usually say Hi and that's pretty much it. I just don't get it.
posted by NorCalBride 2 months agoPeople just want to come to a free party man.
My in laws bosses thought they were invited... and I was like UMMM WTF? You're not paying for a f'in thing! NOTHING. I am NOT giving any MORE spaces for your people that WE don't know. (they had two tables- yes twenty extra mouths to feed) AINT HAPPENING.
People will do this up until the day of your wedding. Just tell them you are trying to keep it close family and friends only, and unfortunately, DUE TO SPACE/LOCATION restraints, we cannot accommodate any more people- it would be against the fire code & they could close down our event... then follow it up with a catty "I know you wouldn't want that to happen now, would you?!?"
We purposely chose a small location due to the fact I knew I would want to invite everyone we've ever met. And the above response was pretty much what I used when people asked for their invites.
posted by babagrlshell 2 months agoif i had a dollar everytime this question was posed!! this probably wont be the 1st person who "fishes" for an invite...
you are by no means obligated to invite anyone to your wedding - especially someone you havent hung out with or whatever for 7 years???
get ready for the wave of people "fishing" for invites - dont go back on the rules your fh and you have set (2 years) --- if that works for you guys, then roll with it...
alot of people have some nerve tho, dont they??
good luck and hang in there!!
posted by Anti-Zilla 2 months agothanks for all the advice! i think i handled it nicely. i basically said, unfortunately with such big families on both sides we're having to exclude a lot of family, not to mention friends. we wish we could invite everyone but it's just impossible. then i coyly said, "wow, i haven't heard from you in forever! how have you been?"
having somone offer to pay for the guest they want to invite is so obnoxious. it isn't the one guest that will break the bank, but the 10 others you'll have to invite if you invite that one guest! then it becomes a battle of wills! the more you ask me, the less likely i am to give in!
posted by Majestic 2 months agoI haven't had any one request an invite for themselves. I have, however, had people requesting invites for others. Just last night, I went to dinner with 2 former co-workers. Co-worker #1 I talk to regularly, co-worker #2 I've barely spoken to since I left the job 3 years ago. After leaving the restaurant, #1 walked #2 to her car then came running to my car to let me know that #2 was "really hurt and doesn't understand why she wasn't invited to the wedding". (Maybe because she's made no attempt to keep in touch for the last 3 years?) Then #1 told me that she thought I should still invite #2. The wedding is in two weeks and I'm not changing the cutoff line that FI & I drew long ago so I don't think so. But I do feel bad about it.
posted by LisaL2B 2 months ago