Hello Hive! (long post again, but bear with me and thank you for letting me vent!)
Sooo I spoke with the bride last night and she's not budging...sigh..she's sticking with the cream-colored shoes and clutch..That's all fine and dandy. I told her about my other finances and she said that I should have thought about that before committing. I DID think about these kinds of things! (I just didn't think it would be THIS expensive!)
On top of that, she had the nerve to tell ME how to save money each pay period! And that I could back out now and she could ask her sister-in-law and that she's sure that she (SIL) could reimburse me for the dress costs. UMMM hello! Can't really back out now..my flight plans have been made, dress is ordered-(i mean, I suppose I could but she also guilt-tripped me about how disappointed she'd be b/c she would rather have me up with her b/c we're closer and best friends...etc....
Then she asks about the hotel. Earlier a while ago, when the engagement was just announced, she had mentioned 2 hotels that she was going to block. I don't know if she hadn't blocked enough rooms are what....well turns now, the rooms are almost ALL gone! I told her I didn't reserve now b/c i was waiting for the invitation! (ok, granted, I could have reserved early) And to top it off, the one hotel that would have been convenient (the reception was going to be on the grounds right next store) is all booked! So the next hotel option was about 97% booked! (so you bet I booked it last night!)
She also kept going on and on about how i should rent a car so that it would be more convenient for me and I could go exploring...I'm not doing this...first of all, I don't want to rent a car in a strange city and end up lost. (can you imagaine?!?) Second, I don't need to explore. I just plan to attend the basics-the rehearsal, the rehearsal dinner, the wedding....that's it. And thirdly, I don't need yet another expense!
I made some decisions that I was firm on. No car renting. I'm not getting a cream-colored clutch-I don't need one (I don't usually use cream-colored purses, etc.) Next, supposedly there's going to be a spa day but we're each paying our own. I don't need to do that either. Luckily we can do our own hair and makeup.
I know how this sounds..but it's costing me almost 1k to just to be a bridesmaid at this wedding and that's not including the shoes, which will be my final cost I was also just taken back by her naivety and rudeness. (if she had only read WB, she could have learn a few things and probably saved money too!)
The upside of all this is that I will get to visit my other college best friend (who's not invited to the wedding-they don't know each other). She's picking me up from the airport and I will get to spend the night and probably most of next day up until the rehearsal, so I'm looking forward to that!
i think it was the bride's responsibility to tell you how much being a BM would cost you upfront. she's guilt tripping you for not anticipating and budgeting properly?! maybe if she had budgeted better, she could have made some room in her budget to alleviate all these costs that she's imposing on you! brides get so caught up in having their perfect wedding that they seem to think their bridesmaids should similarly have to go broke just to fulfill their wedding vision. i believe that if i am requiring my bms to spend a ton of $$ to look a certain way, then it is certainly my responsibility to help pay for some of that or compromise in such a way that it won't cost them an arm and a leg!
your friend sounds kind of rude and naive. maybe it's just the stress of the wedding that is making her act out this way - i'm hoping she's not normally like this. otherwise, if i were you, i might be tempted to take her up on the offer to make her SIL the BM instead.
If it makes you feel better during one of my stints as a bridesmaid the bride wanted us to stay in the hotel on the wedding night at a LOCAL wedding. When I mentioned I hadn't budgeted that into the expenses and that as a compromise I'd stay till the last song and be back bright and early for the brunch (she wouldn't even miss me!) she gave me a guilt trip and suggested that for Christmas perhaps I could ask my boyfriend to "gift" me the hotel price.
Sigh. I let myself be guilted into the hotel night, "optional" hair and make-up and the more expensive dress. I wanted to be the "good" friend and do whatever was in my power to make her day special but I was broke for a month after trying to please her. Incidently, we stopped talking soon after the wedding.
It's hard but don't be guilted into more than you can reasonably afford, particularly for those little extras.
I have to disagree, when you sign up to be a bridesmaid, you are aware of the costs involved. If it's an out of town wedding, there will be flight and hotel, possibly car rental. Plus the cost of the dress and shoes. I agree that a specific clutch is a little out of line, so good for you for not purchasing that accessory. But, I think at the end of the day, when one agrees to be a bridesmaid, they are agreeing to the costs that they know are associated with the task.
I don't think this bride is rude or naive, she just wants to have a beautiful wedding with her best friends standing by her side. If she wants matching dresses and shoes, that's her call. I think if someone can't afford to be a bridesmaid, they should step down and perhaps participate in some other way (reader, etc).
wow, to me, that sounds a little bridezilla-ish. but i'm also of the opinion that if a bride mandates that the BMs have to dress a certain way, the bride should foot the bill. having the BM pay for the dress, ok, but a cream colored clutch is pretty unnecessary. you were right to put your foot down on the car rental...that is an extra expense you don't need if you already have a ride to the wedding. why does she care if you go exploring or not? unless she is planning to pay for the rental, its not her business how you get to the wedding events, as long as you're there and on time. it also sucks she tried to threathen/guilt trip you with having her SIL take your place so late in the game. when you signed up as a BM, i'm sure you couldn't have forseen all the costly demands the bride would have started making. i'd be tempted to call her bluff and just let the SIL take over. sorry you have to go through this!
She sounds like she is being very rude and inconsiderate. I am one of those that told you before that there are costs that a BM has to absorbe, but this sounds like it is getting out of hand. Way to take a stand on a few issues, like the clutch and a spa day.
I would never ask my BM to pay for thier own day at the spa if I had any reason to believe they couldn't afford. And what do you want to bet that she expects the bridesmaids that do go to help to pay for her day!
You are being a stronger person than i would be. I hope you enjoy the wedding!
Are you sure you don't want to just back out of being a bridesmaid, and let the SIL do it? It might disappoint her, but maybe say you would like to still be involved, but in other ways i.e. reader, guest book, etc. They're still important roles you could do instead...
Ugh! How annoying!! I did pick a rather expensive dress for my bm's (which I do feel terrible about) but i told them they can do whatever they want with their shoes/accesories/hair/make up. I also offered to help pay for the dress if they were having any problems. The whole BM process is soooooooooo expensive! I'm suprised that your "best friend" isn't being more accomodating. She is clearly not concerned with budget so I don't know why she is making you pay for all of these things. Why isn't she just giving you the clutch as your gift? Strange.
Yeaaaaahhhhhh..........I think that any bride should think about whats more important to her....that all her closest friends be with her on her wedding day or that whoever can afford to buy the dress she wants be with her on her wedding day. Personally I'd take my friends in whatever they could afford to get/feel comfortable in (I asked them all to get black dresses of their own choosing and nude colored strappy sandals of their own choosing...no clutch...no required hotel rooms...no fancy hairdos...) because ultimately its about them celebrating with me. And as to bridesmaids realizing costs up front, sure if the bride knows when and where the wedding will be and what dress she wants when she asks you... But what if the bride doesn't know and decides after you say yes that she wants a CA wedding because her parents live there and you live in PA...and maybe you'd assumed that the wedding would be in PA because, duh, thats where she lives....and what if she decides on a $300 monstosity of a bridesmaids dress because some wedding magazine said how "in" it is right now, when she originally was going to let you wear what you wanted....There are so many things that can change with a wedding, even after things have been "decided" on, so you really never know whats going to happen... So being both a bride and a bridesmaid at this moment (my friends wedding is 6 weeks after mine) I think it is ultimately important for the bride to consider the bridesmaids budgets if she really wants them to be part of her day.
I think if she expected this much, she should have been clearer up front!! How would you have known to budget for all those things? I personally don't believe in all the bridesmaid responsiblity stuff - beyond buying a dress, I think anything else required should be the responsibility of the bride. And if the bride can't afford it, then things like special shoes, purses, hair, makeup etc just shouldn't be required.
It is so not her business to tell you how to save money and if I were you, I would consider taking her up on letting the SIL be in the wedding. In the end, she is the one who is saying that a BM with the right clutch is more important to her than someone she is close to....
"<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: tahoma; font-size: 13px">I have to disagree, when you sign up to be a bridesmaid, you are aware of the costs involved."
since when does that include a mandatory clutch??!
I think, from reading your post, that maybe you would like to bow out.
When we get asked to be bridesmaids- i don't think we think "what do you expect from me" to be our first question. We're just delighted for our friend and feel special for being asked.
If you truly can't afford the expenses and it will put a damper on the day if you are worried, then maybe you'd be better to go as a guest. Are there any girls going that you could bunk up with in the hotel?
I paid for my gals 1st night in the room- and stayed with them, it helped ease the costly hotel. Maybe the bride will let you stay with her one night?
It sounds like you're really frustrated, many of us have been there in your shoes as a bridesmaid.
However, it doesn't really sound like you want to be in this wedding. Yes, it's a lot of money to spend to travel to a wedding, but I'm assuming the bride asked you to be a BM for a reason...that you're a relatively close friend?
I don't think it's unreasonable for the bride to ask you to wear a specific dress, shoes and accessories.
So the question is...is it worth being annoyed with your friend over a silly purse? You're saving some money by staying with your friend, so can you you make a compromise?
If you are going to go through with it, you need to make peace with spending the money and being there for your friend. No one wants to get married with a BM that has a scowl on her face.
But if you really want to be a part of it, then do it with a full heart.
See thats the thing though...why would someone need a specific clutch and for their friend to rent a car when they get married? That would definitely put a scowl on someone's face and rightfully so if they are going into debt over the things they're "required" to get for a one day event ....weddings make 98.76% of all people raging lunatics, who all of a sudden want all these things they've never wanted or cared about before... Sometimes it DOES take a friend saying "Hey listen, I think this is great and all but I really can't afford it" to make a bride step back and realize that she's gone a bit crazy with her demands... I know there are certain costs involved but why would you make your friends spend alot of money for one day if they don't have it? I just find it funny that people will scour the internet to get, say, tea lights at bargain basement prices but when it comes to their bridesmaids dresses they automatically go with a Bridesmaids dress from a Bridal shop, rather than looking around at some "normal dresses" which are bound to be alot cheaper and alot nicer.... ??
plus, what kind of bride lectures her bm on how she should be saving and spending appropriately so that she can splurge on her bm accessories and extras? i think it is unreasonable for a bride to ask for specific dress, shoes, and accessories if it if not financially feasible for the bms to foot the bill for that specific look. i don't think MissyJen is getting upset about just a clutch. her friend's attitude has been very unaccomodating and rather demanding!
totally random question for MissyJen...does your friend read wbee? i was just wondering if she might ever come across this forum and think "hmm this situation sounds familiar!" and maybe her conscience would kick in. or maybe she'd just get really pissed at you and kick you out of her bridal party.
Ok... I think everyone is overreacting about the clutch (which i am sure is not the main part of the $1000) and car rental (not a wedding requirement just it seems an overeager suggestions).
The big expenses of being a guest are obvious: flight, gift, hotel. The big expenses of being a bridesmaid are also obvious: dress, bachelorette/shower, and potential shoes, hair and makeup. Look up any article on being a bridesmaid and you will see those expense - a 20 minute google search could have saved you an unpleasant surprise.
I hate that someone has already started bandying about the word bridezilla when it seems the bride is requesting her bridesmaid to do what is expected of a bridesmaid. She is also offering a way out (have SIL buy the dress from her) and attend as a guest. You say you CAN'T do it but why not? Is she is 'guilting' you then maybe she is not the kind of friend you want to oblige anyways?
I just feel like maybe this is an unreasonable bride or maybe this is a selfish bridemaid who did not think ahead about what this committment would cost and is now trying to blame someone else. I would personally like to hear the bride's perpectives before I would call someone a "bridezilla."
Emileee-no, she doesn't read WBee-'cause if she did, she would have learned and taken a lot of things into consideration!! Wait till I get her back when I get married! (if she backs out of my future wedding b/c of costs, I will be pissed!) (I'm not getting married anytime soon but something to think about)
I do sound frustrated but at the same time, I don't want to throw away a friendship just b/c of this.
Another thing I just thought of but forgot to mention, she also had the nerve to tell me that her bridesmaid gift (sounds like jewelry) is going to cost more than whatever shoes and the clutch I'm getting. OK WHATEVER...(it better be expensive!)
Again, it just amazes me that she has all these expectations when she and her fiancee are in debt and she doubts her family can help either.
"I don't know what to tell you." (WHATEVER)
Does anyone know how much dyeable shoes run?
I did find a pair nice/cute/wearable-again fancy sandals on the Nordstrom website but again, it's going to cost me $$$. Although I won't say anything else b/c I do have a giftcard. SIGH.
Ok...;-) enough with the whining...again, thank you so much for commenting!
I think it would be interesting to talk about what's expected of a bride. I have done a lot of bridemaid duty, and I have NEVER been asked to cover all my expenses. I can't actually think of a single time. Most brides have covered the dress, some have covered dress and shoes. In the few cases where I paid for the dress, the bride covered in one case a spa day plus hair and makeup, in another case two nights hotel, and in a third case gave us beautiful cultured (not glass) pearl necklaces, bracelets, and earrings. I have never had a bride demand a purse, and seldom had one demand specific shoes. I have never been told that professional hair and makeup was not optional. I have also never been told what the total cost would be up front, but I've never had a bride get upset with me about not being able to afford something either.
I think that you would probably have a much better time, and lots less stress, if you just bow out now. Use your plane ticket, go to the wedding as a guest if you like, visit your other college friend. If she would really rather have you as a BM, and if she was really a good friend, she would be more understanding and less demanding. If you decided to still be in the wedding, can you maybe just stay with your friend the whole weekend? That would save some $$$, as well as skipping the spa day. And if your answer is going to be that you are somehow required to stay at the hotel - back maybe to the idea of just being a guest.
I don't think the bride should have started to judge your personal finances, but maybe she was just trying to help. I'm also one of the one who was against asking the bride for help in the first place.
Anyways, if you can get away without the rental car, do it. If you find dyeable shoes, you can have them dyed to black later so you can wear them again.
Hello Hive! (long post again, but bear with me and thank you for letting me vent!)
Sooo I spoke with the bride last night and she's not budging...sigh..she's sticking with the cream-colored shoes and clutch..That's all fine and dandy. I told her about my other finances and she said that I should have thought about that before committing. I DID think about these kinds of things! (I just didn't think it would be THIS expensive!)
On top of that, she had the nerve to tell ME how to save money each pay period! And that I could back out now and she could ask her sister-in-law and that she's sure that she (SIL) could reimburse me for the dress costs. UMMM hello! Can't really back out now..my flight plans have been made, dress is ordered-(i mean, I suppose I could but she also guilt-tripped me about how disappointed she'd be b/c she would rather have me up with her b/c we're closer and best friends...etc....
Then she asks about the hotel. Earlier a while ago, when the engagement was just announced, she had mentioned 2 hotels that she was going to block. I don't know if she hadn't blocked enough rooms are what....well turns now, the rooms are almost ALL gone! I told her I didn't reserve now b/c i was waiting for the invitation! (ok, granted, I could have reserved early) And to top it off, the one hotel that would have been convenient (the reception was going to be on the grounds right next store) is all booked! So the next hotel option was about 97% booked! (so you bet I booked it last night!)
She also kept going on and on about how i should rent a car so that it would be more convenient for me and I could go exploring...I'm not doing this...first of all, I don't want to rent a car in a strange city and end up lost. (can you imagaine?!?) Second, I don't need to explore. I just plan to attend the basics-the rehearsal, the rehearsal dinner, the wedding....that's it. And thirdly, I don't need yet another expense!
I made some decisions that I was firm on. No car renting. I'm not getting a cream-colored clutch-I don't need one (I don't usually use cream-colored purses, etc.) Next, supposedly there's going to be a spa day but we're each paying our own. I don't need to do that either. Luckily we can do our own hair and makeup.
I know how this sounds..but it's costing me almost 1k to just to be a bridesmaid at this wedding and that's not including the shoes, which will be my final cost I was also just taken back by her naivety and rudeness. (if she had only read WB, she could have learn a few things and probably saved money too!)
The upside of all this is that I will get to visit my other college best friend (who's not invited to the wedding-they don't know each other). She's picking me up from the airport and I will get to spend the night and probably most of next day up until the rehearsal, so I'm looking forward to that!
Sigh..Again thanks for listening!
posted by MissyJenn 2 months agoi think it was the bride's responsibility to tell you how much being a BM would cost you upfront. she's guilt tripping you for not anticipating and budgeting properly?! maybe if she had budgeted better, she could have made some room in her budget to alleviate all these costs that she's imposing on you! brides get so caught up in having their perfect wedding that they seem to think their bridesmaids should similarly have to go broke just to fulfill their wedding vision. i believe that if i am requiring my bms to spend a ton of $$ to look a certain way, then it is certainly my responsibility to help pay for some of that or compromise in such a way that it won't cost them an arm and a leg!
your friend sounds kind of rude and naive. maybe it's just the stress of the wedding that is making her act out this way - i'm hoping she's not normally like this. otherwise, if i were you, i might be tempted to take her up on the offer to make her SIL the BM instead.
posted by emileee 2 months agoIf it makes you feel better during one of my stints as a bridesmaid the bride wanted us to stay in the hotel on the wedding night at a LOCAL wedding. When I mentioned I hadn't budgeted that into the expenses and that as a compromise I'd stay till the last song and be back bright and early for the brunch (she wouldn't even miss me!) she gave me a guilt trip and suggested that for Christmas perhaps I could ask my boyfriend to "gift" me the hotel price.
Sigh. I let myself be guilted into the hotel night, "optional" hair and make-up and the more expensive dress. I wanted to be the "good" friend and do whatever was in my power to make her day special but I was broke for a month after trying to please her. Incidently, we stopped talking soon after the wedding.
It's hard but don't be guilted into more than you can reasonably afford, particularly for those little extras.
posted by MissPotterbear 2 months agoI have to disagree, when you sign up to be a bridesmaid, you are aware of the costs involved. If it's an out of town wedding, there will be flight and hotel, possibly car rental. Plus the cost of the dress and shoes. I agree that a specific clutch is a little out of line, so good for you for not purchasing that accessory. But, I think at the end of the day, when one agrees to be a bridesmaid, they are agreeing to the costs that they know are associated with the task.
I don't think this bride is rude or naive, she just wants to have a beautiful wedding with her best friends standing by her side. If she wants matching dresses and shoes, that's her call. I think if someone can't afford to be a bridesmaid, they should step down and perhaps participate in some other way (reader, etc).
posted by mrssands 2 months agowow, to me, that sounds a little bridezilla-ish. but i'm also of the opinion that if a bride mandates that the BMs have to dress a certain way, the bride should foot the bill. having the BM pay for the dress, ok, but a cream colored clutch is pretty unnecessary. you were right to put your foot down on the car rental...that is an extra expense you don't need if you already have a ride to the wedding. why does she care if you go exploring or not? unless she is planning to pay for the rental, its not her business how you get to the wedding events, as long as you're there and on time. it also sucks she tried to threathen/guilt trip you with having her SIL take your place so late in the game. when you signed up as a BM, i'm sure you couldn't have forseen all the costly demands the bride would have started making. i'd be tempted to call her bluff and just let the SIL take over. sorry you have to go through this!
posted by peaches 2 months agoShe sounds like she is being very rude and inconsiderate. I am one of those that told you before that there are costs that a BM has to absorbe, but this sounds like it is getting out of hand. Way to take a stand on a few issues, like the clutch and a spa day.
I would never ask my BM to pay for thier own day at the spa if I had any reason to believe they couldn't afford. And what do you want to bet that she expects the bridesmaids that do go to help to pay for her day!
You are being a stronger person than i would be. I hope you enjoy the wedding!
Candi
posted by Candi1024 2 months agoAre you sure you don't want to just back out of being a bridesmaid, and let the SIL do it? It might disappoint her, but maybe say you would like to still be involved, but in other ways i.e. reader, guest book, etc. They're still important roles you could do instead...
posted by cyshas 2 months agoUgh! How annoying!! I did pick a rather expensive dress for my bm's (which I do feel terrible about) but i told them they can do whatever they want with their shoes/accesories/hair/make up. I also offered to help pay for the dress if they were having any problems. The whole BM process is soooooooooo expensive! I'm suprised that your "best friend" isn't being more accomodating. She is clearly not concerned with budget so I don't know why she is making you pay for all of these things. Why isn't she just giving you the clutch as your gift? Strange.
posted by LaborDayBride 2 months agoYeaaaaahhhhhh..........I think that any bride should think about whats more important to her....that all her closest friends be with her on her wedding day or that whoever can afford to buy the dress she wants be with her on her wedding day. Personally I'd take my friends in whatever they could afford to get/feel comfortable in (I asked them all to get black dresses of their own choosing and nude colored strappy sandals of their own choosing...no clutch...no required hotel rooms...no fancy hairdos...) because ultimately its about them celebrating with me. And as to bridesmaids realizing costs up front, sure if the bride knows when and where the wedding will be and what dress she wants when she asks you... But what if the bride doesn't know and decides after you say yes that she wants a CA wedding because her parents live there and you live in PA...and maybe you'd assumed that the wedding would be in PA because, duh, thats where she lives....and what if she decides on a $300 monstosity of a bridesmaids dress because some wedding magazine said how "in" it is right now, when she originally was going to let you wear what you wanted....There are so many things that can change with a wedding, even after things have been "decided" on, so you really never know whats going to happen... So being both a bride and a bridesmaid at this moment (my friends wedding is 6 weeks after mine) I think it is ultimately important for the bride to consider the bridesmaids budgets if she really wants them to be part of her day.
posted by hubandwif 2 months agoI think if she expected this much, she should have been clearer up front!! How would you have known to budget for all those things? I personally don't believe in all the bridesmaid responsiblity stuff - beyond buying a dress, I think anything else required should be the responsibility of the bride. And if the bride can't afford it, then things like special shoes, purses, hair, makeup etc just shouldn't be required.
It is so not her business to tell you how to save money and if I were you, I would consider taking her up on letting the SIL be in the wedding. In the end, she is the one who is saying that a BM with the right clutch is more important to her than someone she is close to....
posted by Janna19 2 months ago"<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: tahoma; font-size: 13px">I have to disagree, when you sign up to be a bridesmaid, you are aware of the costs involved."
since when does that include a mandatory clutch??!
posted by missrae 2 months agoI think, from reading your post, that maybe you would like to bow out.
When we get asked to be bridesmaids- i don't think we think "what do you expect from me" to be our first question. We're just delighted for our friend and feel special for being asked.
If you truly can't afford the expenses and it will put a damper on the day if you are worried, then maybe you'd be better to go as a guest. Are there any girls going that you could bunk up with in the hotel?
I paid for my gals 1st night in the room- and stayed with them, it helped ease the costly hotel. Maybe the bride will let you stay with her one night?
Good luck with whatever you choose.
posted by beesknees 2 months agooh, but as far as the hotel goes, thats all on you. Being a bridesmaid you should have booked ASAP.
posted by Candi1024 2 months agoIt sounds like you're really frustrated, many of us have been there in your shoes as a bridesmaid.
However, it doesn't really sound like you want to be in this wedding. Yes, it's a lot of money to spend to travel to a wedding, but I'm assuming the bride asked you to be a BM for a reason...that you're a relatively close friend?
I don't think it's unreasonable for the bride to ask you to wear a specific dress, shoes and accessories.
So the question is...is it worth being annoyed with your friend over a silly purse? You're saving some money by staying with your friend, so can you you make a compromise?
If you are going to go through with it, you need to make peace with spending the money and being there for your friend. No one wants to get married with a BM that has a scowl on her face.
But if you really want to be a part of it, then do it with a full heart.
posted by SoCalBeachGirl 2 months agoSee thats the thing though...why would someone need a specific clutch and for their friend to rent a car when they get married? That would definitely put a scowl on someone's face and rightfully so if they are going into debt over the things they're "required" to get for a one day event ....weddings make 98.76% of all people raging lunatics, who all of a sudden want all these things they've never wanted or cared about before... Sometimes it DOES take a friend saying "Hey listen, I think this is great and all but I really can't afford it" to make a bride step back and realize that she's gone a bit crazy with her demands... I know there are certain costs involved but why would you make your friends spend alot of money for one day if they don't have it? I just find it funny that people will scour the internet to get, say, tea lights at bargain basement prices but when it comes to their bridesmaids dresses they automatically go with a Bridesmaids dress from a Bridal shop, rather than looking around at some "normal dresses" which are bound to be alot cheaper and alot nicer.... ??
posted by hubandwif 2 months agoplus, what kind of bride lectures her bm on how she should be saving and spending appropriately so that she can splurge on her bm accessories and extras? i think it is unreasonable for a bride to ask for specific dress, shoes, and accessories if it if not financially feasible for the bms to foot the bill for that specific look. i don't think MissyJen is getting upset about just a clutch. her friend's attitude has been very unaccomodating and rather demanding!
totally random question for MissyJen...does your friend read wbee? i was just wondering if she might ever come across this forum and think "hmm this situation sounds familiar!" and maybe her conscience would kick in. or maybe she'd just get really pissed at you and kick you out of her bridal party.
posted by emileee 2 months agoOk... I think everyone is overreacting about the clutch (which i am sure is not the main part of the $1000) and car rental (not a wedding requirement just it seems an overeager suggestions).
The big expenses of being a guest are obvious: flight, gift, hotel. The big expenses of being a bridesmaid are also obvious: dress, bachelorette/shower, and potential shoes, hair and makeup. Look up any article on being a bridesmaid and you will see those expense - a 20 minute google search could have saved you an unpleasant surprise.
I hate that someone has already started bandying about the word bridezilla when it seems the bride is requesting her bridesmaid to do what is expected of a bridesmaid. She is also offering a way out (have SIL buy the dress from her) and attend as a guest. You say you CAN'T do it but why not? Is she is 'guilting' you then maybe she is not the kind of friend you want to oblige anyways?
I just feel like maybe this is an unreasonable bride or maybe this is a selfish bridemaid who did not think ahead about what this committment would cost and is now trying to blame someone else. I would personally like to hear the bride's perpectives before I would call someone a "bridezilla."
posted by vyeta7 2 months agoThanks for commenting everybody!
Emileee-no, she doesn't read WBee-'cause if she did, she would have learned and taken a lot of things into consideration!! Wait till I get her back when I get married! (if she backs out of my future wedding b/c of costs, I will be pissed!) (I'm not getting married anytime soon but something to think about)
I do sound frustrated but at the same time, I don't want to throw away a friendship just b/c of this.
Another thing I just thought of but forgot to mention, she also had the nerve to tell me that her bridesmaid gift (sounds like jewelry) is going to cost more than whatever shoes and the clutch I'm getting. OK WHATEVER...(it better be expensive!)
Again, it just amazes me that she has all these expectations when she and her fiancee are in debt and she doubts her family can help either.
"I don't know what to tell you." (WHATEVER)
Does anyone know how much dyeable shoes run?
I did find a pair nice/cute/wearable-again fancy sandals on the Nordstrom website but again, it's going to cost me $$$. Although I won't say anything else b/c I do have a giftcard. SIGH.
Ok...;-) enough with the whining...again, thank you so much for commenting!
posted by MissyJenn 2 months agoI think it would be interesting to talk about what's expected of a bride. I have done a lot of bridemaid duty, and I have NEVER been asked to cover all my expenses. I can't actually think of a single time. Most brides have covered the dress, some have covered dress and shoes. In the few cases where I paid for the dress, the bride covered in one case a spa day plus hair and makeup, in another case two nights hotel, and in a third case gave us beautiful cultured (not glass) pearl necklaces, bracelets, and earrings. I have never had a bride demand a purse, and seldom had one demand specific shoes. I have never been told that professional hair and makeup was not optional. I have also never been told what the total cost would be up front, but I've never had a bride get upset with me about not being able to afford something either.
I think that you would probably have a much better time, and lots less stress, if you just bow out now. Use your plane ticket, go to the wedding as a guest if you like, visit your other college friend. If she would really rather have you as a BM, and if she was really a good friend, she would be more understanding and less demanding. If you decided to still be in the wedding, can you maybe just stay with your friend the whole weekend? That would save some $$$, as well as skipping the spa day. And if your answer is going to be that you are somehow required to stay at the hotel - back maybe to the idea of just being a guest.
posted by suzanno 2 months agoI don't think the bride should have started to judge your personal finances, but maybe she was just trying to help. I'm also one of the one who was against asking the bride for help in the first place.
Anyways, if you can get away without the rental car, do it. If you find dyeable shoes, you can have them dyed to black later so you can wear them again.
Hope this helps a little bit.
posted by proBM2008 2 months ago