6yr anniversary- fending off disappointment

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
8009 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

How old are you guys? How important is it to you to get married? Honestly I’d be pissed too. Hes giving you nothing to rely on, just enough to keep you around with your hopes up. I think you should listen to all your feelings and anxiety, maybe they’re trying to tell you this relationship is not right. 

Try to stay in the moment and enjoy the anni- but I would let my feelings be known and if he doesnt back up all that talk with some walk there certainly wouldnt be a 7th anni dinner*

 

*unless you guys are very young/still in school etc.

 

sorry bee 

Post # 3
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Aww I know how you feel, took us 7.5 yrs to get engaged… We are young and FI is still in graduate school, but in our case what made it happen is probably the fact that we went long distance after 7 yrs… I think you are doing the right thing by not pressuring him, I made that mistake and it probably made matters worse :s Also he bought the ring very fast without really shopping around and I’m not the happiest about it, so maybe it’s worth it to wait? Finally, I think some men really need to feel ready financially and professionally to propose. Maybe he’s having a hard time at work? In any case, don’t feel bad about it cause there’s probably nothing wrong with you! He might be just waiting for the right moment!

Post # 4
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I’ve been there, I can totally relate to you! Me and my (now) fiancee have been together for 7 and a half years, and he proposed just last feburary.

I can’t tell how many times I was expecting it, our anniversary, my birthday, christmas, new years eve (and the list goes on…) I knew he had the ring, and that made it even more worse to wait! I did talk to him about it, and he explained that he wanted it to be special so “maybe” I would have to wait a little more.

When he finally popped the question I wasn’t expecting it at all and it was amazing! It made all the waiting worth, and I can only hope you feel the same way about it!

Post # 5
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee

Just enjoy your Anni with your guy. Don’t put expectations in your mind. For all you know he could he paying down a ring. I’m in your shoes, I’m a waiting bee. My SO an I have been together for more than 10 years. I know he hasn’t gone ring shopping, I have no expectations when a significant date comes up (Anni, Christmas, etc) because I want to enjoy the date not be disappointed. We have no timeline either for a proposal.

When it happens it happens. You don’t want to ruin a proposal. I’ve read on here a few times about proposals being ruined because of bees being expectant or not patient. 

Just have fun tonight! Happy Anniversary!

Post # 6
Member
33 posts
Newbee

Im agreeing with MrsBuesleBee, Im in the exact same situation only 6 months behind you

It’ll be hard enough going into the night not expecting but do try. He’s been saying he doesn’t want to spoil the surprise, yes okay thats a nice thought but theres a time limit on surprises when they just start to “go off” and the expectant ‘best before’ date rolls around and you feel disappointment. It sounds like you need to have some fun and enjoy your time together. I know its hard but you need to distract yourself just for the time being and enjoy your night. Think about what your going to AFTER the anniversary.

By the way, if its not rude to ask, how do you know for sure it aint gonna happen tonight? not trying to give false hope just curious

 

 

Post # 7
Member
913 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard

Ok so you don’t say how old you guys are but if its been 6 years after the age of 18, then enough is enough! 

Only you can decide though – do you really love him enough to wait? What if it never happens and he’s just stalling because he’s not sure you are the one despite him saying he wants to? Or do you want to leave the relationship in search of one who truly does want the same things in life? 

A lot of people think they are in love and make their relationship bigger than it is when in reality they were only in love with the idea and concept of it all. Is he a person you can live with or a man that you truly can’t live without? 

If it were me, I would make an exit plan. Without putting anything on him or ultimatums (that never works) – just tell him you want more in life and 6 years is way too long!!! You want to get married and have children and that you love him with all your heart, but it’s clear he doesn’t feel the same and that you have to do what’s best for you. You will be moving out in 90 days and move forward toward YOUR GOALS, wants and needs. Leave rentals ads out circled or up on the computer if you have to so he knows you are serious. Get boxes to pack stuff in. Start spending less time with him and more with friends. Be super happy every moment you are with him and tell him how happy you are without him as well. With your friends or funny stories when you are alone. Show him you can be happy without him. No negative talk to him or talk about engagement!

Not once does this give him an ultimatum but you telling him what you want and need and what you are going to do for you! Breakup, move out if you have to… But in all hopefully, I bet you won’t have to wait the 90 days! The less he sees you the more he will miss you and realize he wants you! 

Post # 10
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee

witchbaby:  Think positive! Let us know how it goes! Update us* 🙂 

Post # 11
Member
2047 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

witchbaby:  lol well let me tell you a little story…. one of my best gf’s had been with her S.O for 6 years when he proposed….he also would never talk about a timeline…went shopping for rings 3 years before etc… and it just seemed no end was in sight. It basically came down to her having a bad day and seeing ONE MORE engagemnt on FB and she lost it…. she went home and more or less freaked out on him because she needed to know if this was gonna happen or not and said she needed time away to think for the weekend… he cried and got upset NOT REALISING how muchthis was affecting her…she called me and asked if she could come stay. When she went home he explained he seriously had a case of “being a typical guy” and he truley didnt know it was upsetting her so much. In actual fact just a month before they had gone to visit her parents and he had asked her dad for her hand when they went golfing and he was in the process of picking out her diamond.

Needless to say he alleved her fears and she figured maybe it would happen over the holidays (was almost christmas). In the end he did it the first week of Jan (because he figured it would be too obvious… their anniversary was the 23rd as well) and she was completely shocked because all he did was email her and tell her “hey lets go for dinner tonight”. He got home and they got changed and she was like…. I was standing back on from him figuring out what coat to wear and I turned around and he was on one knee…. I was like wtf wtf wtf… and he pulled out the ring and started saying all this stuff…. just BOOM ok here it is, and all I said was “thank you” (if you knew her this would be hilarious…and he always teases her about her reaction)

lmao……. yes for her it was a little anticlimactic because it more like “its about time, thanks lol” but moreso she was in pure shock…. Im just sayin maybe just going to dinner doesnt mean he’s not going to do it!!! Sometimes its the best way to catch you off guard. Maybe it wont be the huge gesture you wanted but he obviously knows you’ll “know” somethings up if he does something out of the ordinary…..

Part of the reason my friends DH didnt do anything “special” for the proposal is because anytime he remotely bent over it was like OMG ITS HAPPENING lol…. and of course it was always dissapointment. Also as I said he “shopped” for rings years before and then 6 months later said “get dressed up I have something special planned…”……..long story short he took her to the ballet….lol she came around the corner and gave her best fake smile …”oh…the…ballet…”, so from then on whenever we’re not so excited about something we always say “oh the ballet…yaaaay” lol

I’m not saying get your hopes up tonight but you never know…and if not maybe you need to pull something drastic like my friend to get the point across because sometimes men just….DONT..GET..IT!

Post # 12
Member
2047 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

witchbaby:  seriously though… I bet you any moeny he simply doesnt realize the extent to how its affecting you…. my friends DH was shocked at how upset she was and said he thought she of course wanted it and was being impatient but he had no idea it was upsetting her and if he had known it would have been diff!

Post # 13
Member
9528 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Is being surprised super important to you? If not, I’d consider asking him to let you know that it’s going to happen before it happens. That way you can live your life not getting all excited and let down at every fancy dinner out. 

Post # 14
Member
288 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Honestly, I find it stupid that women have to “shut up” and sit waiting, and waiting, and waiting…until their partner is ready. Why is it so one sided? Some of these stories make me feel angry because you can tell someone in the relationship is clearly SUFFERING but oh it’s okay, just suck it up and hide your feelings because you don’t want to ruin your surprise party.

If I had been waiting long enough to feel those kind of negative feelings, no grand proposal in the world would be able to squash that resentment. You make decisions together as a couple, why is this the exception? I’m not talking about men/women on the fence about proposing. This guy has shown clear signs he’s planning something, but for some reason she’s still waiting, in the dark. That isn’t cool and it’s not kind.

Feeling bad for you, OP. I’d be mega-pissed. I hope in the end you get what you’ve been hoping for. 🙁

Post # 15
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

You’ve been together six years and for the past two, he refuses to give a timeline or talk about the future. It’s clear he’s happy exactly where you all are, coasting right along, things never changing. The question is, are you? It’s up to you to decide if a wedding and marriage are more important to you than staying with this man without them. 

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