7 years together and no ring

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
935 posts
Busy bee

christinakhar:  first off welcome to the Bee ! you will find tons of support for the most part on the waiting boards. I myself am not a traditional “waiting” bee as Im not expecting marriage for another 5 years and currently in the situation u described in ur first paragraph (in college, got together at end of highschool been together almost 3 and a half years with a time frame of being married by 2019 so within ~8 years of getting together). I said all that to give some context and lend some perspective from my point of view.

you and your SO seem to be in agreement at first but now he maybe dragging his feet. Im all for honesty and good old fashioned communication. sit him down & say basically everything u said here, particularly the piece about how you dont want to end up resenting him and see how he responds. maybe there is a deeper issue at hand in regards to why he wont propose and why he isnt ready, go into the conversation with an open mind and dont compare him to other guys as he may get defensive. the only way for him not to think you will be around forever without “papers” is to be straight up about it and tell him. dont let him make any assumptions. best of luck

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by  .
Post # 3
Member
1870 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2006

He sounds like that classic “staller”. He’s keeping you on the line so-to-speak by making promises of an engagement and ring shopping, but he’s choking when it comes the pulling the trigger. He sounds an awful lot like my brother. He’s in the exact same situation, and in all honesty, it’s because he feels like he has everything he needs right now from the relationship and doesn’t see any need to rush and change anything when he feels content. Could your boyfriend be the same way? Is he just comfortable and that’s allowing him to drag his feet? If so, then maybe you need to have a very frank conversation about what you expect. You’ve been together long enough for him to know whether he wants to be with you forever or not. No more stalling. He hasn’t provided you with a proper or legitimate reason as to why this is taking so long. If you sit down for a frank discussion, maybe you’ll get that reason, or maybe it will be the wakeup call he needs. All the best!

Post # 4
Member
2722 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

it sounds like he feels very pressured about money and that marriage would add to the pressure

Post # 6
Member
5839 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

christinakhar:  It sounds to me like he wants life all figured out and stable before he pulls the trigger. If he’s waiting for that, it will never happen. It sounds like you are stable enough right now, but he is just making excuses. 

You have to figure out if there is a time when you would be willing to walk away. If you want to be with this guy forever, no matter what, ring or no ring. Then just shut up and be happy. Marriage a a deal breaker, then do a quick internal inventory. When will you get to the point where your love and respect for him will have disappeared? Use that as a guage as to when you will set your internal walk date. Dont tell him. Just know that you are in control of your life.

Then talk to him “Honey, it sounds like you want life to be all figured out and stable before we move forward. Life is inherently unstable. I want to be with you no matter what, not just when things are good. If you dont feel that way about me, I need to know. You also need to know that I will not wait around forever for you. There will be a day when I wake up and all this waiting has made me lose love and respect for you. When that happens I will have to walk away and there will be no way to repair the relationship. I’m not saying this as an ultimatum. I just letting  you know that I love you and but I have respect for myself and will not wait around forever.”

Then follow Mr. Bee’s plan (it’s on here somewhere)–get busy, dont be around as much, dont answer his every call, go out with girlfriends on the weekend. Seriously show him that you dont need him. 

Post # 7
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: Topnotch Resort, Stowe, VT

I’m in a very similar boat. My SO and I are 28, we’ve been together 4.5 years and the first time we went ring shopping was almost two years ago, and ever since then he’s said “Oh it’ll be next year”…. and then that came and went and he said next year for sure. And then at the beginning of this summer he said by Semptember we would definitely be engaged. And then he had to replace his transmission and had some medical bills so now he’s saying he can’t afford it and it’ll probably be another couple of months. But I’m at the point where I don’t believe him anymore and I’m getting resentful of him and am upset all of the time. It’s really beginning to take a toll on our relationship and I’m at a loss for what to do or say. I’ve told him that I’m fine with a smaller center stone, we can always upgrade in the future, or I’m even fine with something other than diamond, I just want to be engaged to him. I know giving an ultimatum is not the way to go but I’m ready to tell him that from what I can see, he clearly thinks that I’m going to hang around forever no matter what but I want to be with someone who is ready to commit and he hasn’t made that a priority. I would love to know what you end up doing. I totally understand where you’re coming from 

Post # 8
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I hope that I might be able to appease any of the resentment you have towards him. I was engaged this past February, which marked the length of us dating for seven years (now we’re both 26). By five years, we had started talking about getting married and both knew that we wanted it. Two Christmases passed (both of which I thought he was going to propose) and still nothing. When I brought it up in conversation to ask what was taking him so long, he was very honest and said that he wanted both of us to be stable so that we wouldn’t jump into something we weren’t ready to afford. I’m also the kind of person who would prefer to have a wonderful boyfriend-girlfriend relationship rather than going into severe debt with wedding planning from being engaged. In fact, we preferred to put house buying way before wedding planning. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I totally understand the feelings you’re having but I also respect it when a guy is mature enough to wait for the right time. Hope you continue to seek support from the wonderful bees on this site! If you’re both serious about each other, then growing resentment over everyday of not being engaged isn’t worth it. Wishing you better days ahead! 

Post # 9
Member
557 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 1993

My opinion……..if A guy is not sure and can’t commit by 7 years I would be out of there. When someone really wants something they don’t keep putting it off. 

Post # 11
Member
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I know how you’re feeling in a way OP. FI and I were together 8.5 years before I got a ring and it was basically because we couldn’t afford it (or thought we couldn’t, we didn’t know about Moissy etc). We’d both been at University for too long and our jobs weren’t allowing us to save any money basically, with paying rent etc and various debts. I think I was resenting my SO at that time, even though it wasn’t his fault.

This situation seems different though – you aren’t living together either for all those years. I think he’s just making an excuse. Please don’t get upset by this, but it seems to me, from your post, that you might be good enough for right now, but maybe not forever. But anyway, you have to decide if you’re willing to walk away. 

Post # 12
Member
4025 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

christinakhar:  While I get that you’re frustrated, maybe he truly isn’t ready and this is his way of stalling so he doesn’t have to actually say that for fear of upsetting you. If you’ve been together 7 years, that puts you at about 25, correct? While DH and I were married at 25, some people just aren’t ready at that age. What type of career field are you in that makes it hard to be stable (I’m not doubting you, just wondering)? A PP was correct, it’s tempting to want to wait until everything is “perfect” but that will never exist. You’ll never have enough money saved or whatever.

When you guys talked a few months ago, how did that go? Were you calm or was it emotionally charged because you’re so frustrated? Have you asked him the tough question: Do you want to marry me/Do you see yourself married to me? If you’re going to ask this, you need to do so calmly and rationally and be prepared for his answer either way. If his response is “yes”, then I would talk with him about the fact that waiting won’t necessarily lead to perfect stability, that life is full of up and downs and your job as someone’s partner is to support them. Good luck!

Post # 13
Member
8907 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

So you guys are only 25-ish right? Some people are just not ready for a permanent and legal step like marriage at that age and point in their career. You have to decide whether that’s something you can live with until you’re both ready. 

Post # 14
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I think it’s tricky when ppl think in terms of length of the relationship as an indicator of when to get engaged, not to imply that this is ur sole motivation to get engaged. I say this as fi & I are high school sweethearts. In my experience it was never about the amount of years together but about when we were ready. Some are ready in their 20’s but I really was not.  Eventho I wasn’t ready,  I still had my moments of worrying. Talk to ur bf so u can understand his perspective. Hope this helps.

Post # 15
Member
224 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

christinakhar:  I can understand how frustrating it is to wait so long! FI and I didn’t get engaged until our 7 year anniversary and I started to get annoyed in the months leading up to it, knowing he bought the ring already, too.

I would discuss it with him and “get down to brass tax” — it seems like he’s stalling (obviously I don’t know him but I would guess this) and I wonder why… See if you can really have an honest conversation with him. Even my FI, though, seemed like he was nervous about proposing and making the big jump because he had been so comfortable together before. “If it’s not broke, don’t fix it” seemed to be what he was thinking. He knew I wanted to get married soon and so we talked about it.

This is obviously a discussion you’ll have to have with him, but given the length of your relationship, it doesn’t seem like he has reservations about you — maybe they are internal conflicts?

Word of caution: Even though we KNEW we would be marrying each other and the actual proposal was just a technicality, pressuring my FI was the worst thing I could have done — be careful that your talking to him about it is productive rather than pushy. My FI got annoyed quickly when I tried to talk to him about it in an unproductive manner. We were also kind of waiting until our lives were together — I graduated, got a job, etc. — and sometimes what WE see as a big deal isn’t as bad to them and vice versa.

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