(Closed) 75-day countdown and a rant

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
12827 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

(1)  Why exactly did your FSIL and her daughter decide not to come?  What happened?  I can’t offer any advice unless you actually give the reasoning behind this.

(2) I’m pretty sure the issue is that you excluded an adult and a teenager as “kids.”  When people say “kid-free,” they generally don’t mean people who are 23.  Is it a space or budget issue that you don’t want to invite them?  Are you close to your cousins kids that makes it awkward to not invite them?  Also, you chose to drive 15 hours to have hand-delivered invitiations, so you can’t get exasperated about that.  You easily could have mailed them.

(3) Who cares what FMIL wears?  She doesn’t have to wear your vow-renewal colors.  Honestly, I think it’s weird if she doeswear renewal colors.  Plum or turquoise are nice colors that will match your colors.  Excluding her from the processional because what she chose to wear is petty and childish.  She’s not photobombing your photos unless she’s actively trying to ruin them, and it seems like she just wants to wear a particular dress, not pretend she’s a KISS bandmember with her tongue out in every photo.

(4) Hold your ground.  It’s your vow renewal, if you don’t want kids, they don’t have kids there.

(5) The step-daugher obviously has issues with your FI and your engagement.  But since her mother has custody, her mother gets the say in whether or not she goes.  His having to fly to see them is irrelevant to the vow renewal, as is his willingness to give up custody to “keep the peace.”  The issue is, the kid clearly has a problem with the whole situation, and your FI should be trying to figure out what that is and working on that, rather than forcing a stubborn and angry 10 year old to go across the country for something she’s upset about. 

(6) This is bizarre.  However, could the issue stem from the massive difficulties imposed on foreign aliens traveling?  I think when you come to the US on a work visa, it gets complicated to leave the country and travel internationally, but I could be wrong on this.  Regardless, she should be up front with you about the reasoning. 

(7) To be perfectly honest, people may not be willing to travel and undergo such a huge expense for a vow renewal.  I wouldn’t travel internationally for one.  I don’t think there’s an issue in having a vow renewal ceremony and reception, as long as you’re up front with guests that you’re already married. 

To sum it up, some of your rants are valid and understandable, but some seem off-base to me.  I’m sorry you’re having to deal with all of this!

Post # 4
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

1. SIL and niece not coming.

Good! One less stressor.

 2. First cousins telling my brother they’re not coming because their kids were not invited.

As someone with a 23 year old sister who lives on her own, with a job and a car and a cat, I think that a 23 year old can handle him/herself for one night and make sure younger sibling doesn’t burn down the house. If not, they are not important enough to come.

 3. Wedding colours are copper and gold. FMIL still insists on wearing plum or turquoise.

Honestly, didn’t know there was a colour thing, but explains why my FMIL wanted to know our BM dress colours and asked me to approve her dress. If she gets a dress she likes, she will feel good about herself and she will radiate in pictures more than if she was to wear a colour she doesn’t want. 

4. Kids are not invited.

Neither are they at mine. BE FIRM!

5. Power struggle with the stepdaughter.

That is something your FI needs to be dealing with, as it is his daughter I am assuming. Will the 10 year old regret not going years from now? Yes. Will she blame you or her mother? Well, I think the answer is fairly obvious. You are doing your best to get her to come, and if mother is acting like a child, you can’t do much about it.

6. BF says she will be MOH. Or not. 

Is this a visa issue? I know I was thinking about getting a work visa for the states and it clearly stated I couldn’t leave the country with specific terms and such. I’d give her a timeline and let her know you love her, you want her there, but she needs to have a definative answer before ____________.

7. Did I tell you this is a vow renewal?

Explains why some people are unwilling to travel. I see vow renewals sort of like destination weddings in the fact that some people will attend and others will not, and it’s kind of the nature of the beast.

Post # 5
Member
387 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Reading this literally gave me a headache! I feel so sorry for you having to deal with all this!! Hope it all works out 🙂

Post # 6
Member
487 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Woah that’s a lot going on for you. Ok here are my views and questions;

1.) Maybe I’m wrong but I feel maybe there was maybe some drama stuff that you’ve skipped out between the time when she was ecstatic about coming to the time she was suddenly so cold. Did you guys have a falling out of some kind? If nothing happened between then and now then I would say that is extremely weird and rude of her but I just get the feeling something else happened (apologies if I’m getting it wrong)

2.) Stick to your guns and explain why. Unfortuantely this is something that happens a lot in weddings. If anyone manages to make a guest list in which everyone attending has no gripes about then they’re very lucky. Don’t worry about it, you’re doing the right thing and the realistic thing.

3.) I’m sorry but I don’t think it’s fair that you get to have a say in what guests wear to your wedding. I understand the bridal party etc, but this does not count. To accuse her of “photobombing” just because she’s in a different colour is ridiculous. You need to chill out on this one or you’ll end up losing more guests.

4.) That’s fair enough, plenty of people do this and you’re well within your rights to keep this a child free zone. Stick to your guns again.

5.) You need to be a little more understanding towards her. You’re an adult and she’s 10. It doesn’t sound like a power struggle, it sounds more like she’s just feeling a little hurt that she doesn’t see her dad as much as you do (I’m not saying this is your fault, but she IS just a child and her logic on things is going to be a little crooked, particularly if her mother is feeding her some spiteful ish. When she’s older she’ll figure it out for herself). I’m not saying you should call the whole thing off, but you may have to just accept that she doesn’t want to attend. Forcing her could damage her psychologically and also surely you’d rather she looked back and regretted not coming than looking back and hating you for forcing her to?

6.) You probably shouldn’t have confirmed her as MOH if you were not 100 percent sure she could make it. I’m sure she would’ve understood. It would have been easier to have just kept her as a guest or at the very least a bridesmaid that could be written out if she didn’t turn up (I don’t know how that would work in a US/Canadian style wedding though – in my country we don’t pair bridesmaids with groomsmen). I’m not sure what you can do other than talk to her and see if you can get a clear answer.

7.) When you say it is a cultural thing, the vow renewal, I’m wondering if you could elaborate on this a little? What is your culture? How long ago was your civil ceremony? Generally, in my culture (English), a vow renewal is something that takes place in older couples who have been married many years, either because they’ve been through a difficult time but have pulled through or because they’ve been together a very very long time and are coming up to a significant wedding anniversary. With this in mind, they don’t expect so many people to turn up, particularly from so far away and they don’t usually have things like MOH’s or BM’s. So I’m guessing yours is a little different. Can you tell us about it?

Post # 7
Member
927 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@Spoonie:  i agree totlly and you worded my questions better than i could have

 

Post # 8
Member
4194 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

1. Sounds like there’s something else going on here- esp. since niece was in the bridal party?

2. That’s the cousin’s loss. I only invited one cousin, and her 24 and 22 year old (he still lives at home) aren’t invited. I know them, but I’m not close to them- you have to make cuts to keep numbers down.
 
3. The color issue- I’ve yet to come across anything that says MOB/MOG are supposed to be in the wedding colors. They’re not “supposed” to wear the same colors, but other than that… as long as it’s not white/cream, it should be good. My colors are orange/green/grey- my Mom’s in navy, FMIL in teal green-which actually clashes with “our” color, but doesn’t bother me at all.  
 
4. Stand your ground- I hear ya!
 
5. Sorry about this- it must be heartbreaking for FI.
 
6. Also- must be extremely frustrating. Give me a yes or no, please!

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