(Closed) 8 weeks out & now you tell us you don’t have the $ you promised?

posted 6 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@MissKabers:  This is very disappointing and I’m sure it will impact your relationship with them, which is a shame. Try to be supportive of your FW, this is probably a lot harder on her than you and let her take the lead in deciding to forgive them or not. Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

i will never understand people that go back on their word like this – i know you shouldnt expect $$$ from people but if they flat out say they will be gifting it to you its disppointing when people let you down this way

im glad you have support from other people in your families to help you deal with this for the immediate future – vent away and accept it for what it is and keep looking forward to your wedding *hugs*

Post # 7
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I’m sorry to hear this.  You are so fortunate to have your parents.

My advice to you… 

1.  In the future, don’t expect your inlaws to do the same for both of their daughters.  It isn’t fair, but their actions speak louder than their words.  If you prepare for the worst, you’ll be pleasantly surprised if you experience better.  

2.  Don’t brush it off with them.  Don’t be confrontational either.  If it comes up simply state that not coming through with what was promised was not a good thing to do and you are disappointed in how they treated the two of you.  Don’t expect an apology.  Don’t even try to have a discussion about it.  Just let them know it isn’t cool with you.  Letting them know that you aren’t a doormat will prevent things like this from happening in the future.  

Post # 9
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

First, let FW have the conversations with her parents.  Support her, but she should do the talking or you’ll create a new set of problems.  If she finds talking to them difficult, write a letter (or email) which lays out her thoughts.  If it were me, I’d follow the advice for statements, such the fact that you budgeted based on their promise to you and that this puts you in a very difficult situation.  You do not have the money to pay for it, so you will need to ask your parents for a loan.  (If it were me, I’d add that they will want to know why you need the money, which places you in a very awkward position.)  It is extremely upsetting that they are treating you (FW) differently than your sister.  If you ask any questions, I’d keep them simple: Before you promised $8K, why did you back out from your promise so close to the wedding?  Why are you treating me (FW) differently than my sister?

And, to make myself feel better, if I can change something they wanted and I gave in on, I’d do so.  πŸ™‚

PM me if you like.  The sums aren’t so large, but I share your frustration.  My parents offered a sum that was less than 50%.  After writing them in as the hosts at their insistance (despite FI’s parents matching that sum and us contributing yet more), I later learned the sum would be less any “expenses” they have, such as: my parents hotel rooms for two nights (they live 35 minutes from the wedding, no need for the rooms), my grandmother’s hotel room for two nights, my mom’s dress she decided to buy (she made hers for my siblings weddings and has many suitable dresses in her wardrobe), my dad’s uniform cleaning, hairdos for my mom & grandmother, transportation for my grandmother to the wedding, etc.  It’ll likely be about 15-20% less than they had promised.  In addition to not knowing how much it’d actually be in the end (because my mom declined to estimate how much she’ll spend), I was personally most frustrated that we had just made up the inaccurate wedding invitation to make them happy and now they aren’t even contributing the largest sum towards the wedding.  Had I known, I’d have worded it as “Together with their parents.”  I just avoided talking to them about it until I could cool off, since there really wasn’t anything to say.

Post # 11
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Sadly enough I new enough about my in laws to not trust on any money they promissed. Our goal was not to need to help them get here (FI would if they say they cant buy there plain tickets or pay for there hotel room). They have promissed to pay for our honeymoon but ya right like we will trust that. Im glad Im not alone with financial issues with our inlaws.

Post # 12
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

The same thing happened to me. My parents promised me X-amount of dollars and then all of a sudden the amount they are giving us is half of what they said it would be. It is really hard not to be bitter afterward. It isnt so much about the money, but the fact that they went back on their word. I feel where you are coming from.

Post # 14
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

It sucks they didnt tell you this a few days before sending out invites. His parents and brother are the only close family who have yet to put a deposit and book there rooms for the wedding which is nervewracking as I do not want anyone travelling offsite the night of the wedding.

Post # 15
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@MissKabers:  Oh, ha, I thought I read it was $8k they backed out on, but I’m guessing I got the 8 from the 8 weeks out part and sort of merged it in my head.  Either way, it’s still frustrating.  Is there a chance you might get cash for wedding presents?  Normally I’d hate to bank on this and suggest this, but you might consider putting the amount on the credit cards and pay back after the wedding with wedding presents to avoid asking your parents.  Of course this plan depends a lot on some iffy factors.  While they don’t have to interact significantly after the wedding, it might still be best to do what you can to avoid further damaging the relationship.

Fortunately for us, we have savings so we can cover the difference so the situation isn’t as problematic.  We just, as you, would have done things somewhat differently.  For now, we’re assuming that they are only putting in what they’ve already given. 

Post # 16
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

It’s possible if they put a lot of effort into her sister’s wedding just recently that they are really financially drained. There may be some additional things happening behind the scenes that they aren’t disclosing to you in terms of money-sucking issues.  An illness, tax problems, cuts in pay or hours, I have seen all of this with people and they put up a great facade about it because of their pride or not wanting to worry others. People are weird like that sometimes.

Could this be the case? I am sure they feel pretty embarassed about not being able to give the money after promising it. What parent would relish having that conversation with their kid. Ugh.

 

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