Post # 1
Hi, im new to this and wanted to see if i was paranoid about my situation. I have been in a relationship for 9 years and engaged for 8 of that…granted i got engaged at 18! we have a house together for 2 years now but im WAITING FOR A WEDDING DATE….
His excuse for the last year and a half….we dont have the funds!
Theres only one thing i want and thats my wedding but im no longer going to beg or push for a date…. its not right.. he should want to marry me right? and if so he should make it happen?
Post # 3
Well considering you got engaged so young, I think it makes sense to have a long engagement. BUT I would want to set a date. Especially owning a house together would just make me nervous without the protection of marriage. I must admit, I was not able to commit to shared finances before marriage. If finances are the problem, why not have a wedding you can afford? I know weddings can be expensive but there are options to scale down. What about a back yard reception? I think you need to decide how important a wedding and marriage is to you. You can get married without a wedding if the actual wedding is not what you guys want. On the other hand, I have freinds who have been together for 12 years and also have a mortgage but they are not engaged and don’t plan to get married anytime soon. It realyl is a personal choice.
Post # 4
I was engaged once before my current engagement. It was to my ex who I started dating when I was 17. We got engaged when I was 23, but he never really wanted to set a date. We broke up and got back together(but were no longer engaged). I ended up staying with him for 9 years total. I finally left him after he admitted that he never planned to marry me(among many other reasons). Basically he proposed to buy more time.
Sorry to say, but without more info, this sounds kinda like that. Yall have been engaged for 8 years, it doesn’t take that long to save up for a wedding.
Post # 5
I’ve never heard of anyone being engaged that long. I totally understand the frustration you are experiencing.
If money actually is the issue like he says, then talk to him about making a few lifestyle cut backs, arrange your wedding date and pay that cut back money off the things you both need for the wedding. Ask both sets of parents for a little bit of financial help instead of a wedding gift.
Personally I would start by getting together a price list of all the necessities, total up all your prices. Work out exactly what the total sum will cost each month leading up to the wedding. Work Out your current monthly expenditure too and sit down with him and talk the whole thing through. If a complete price list and breakdown of payments is made clear to him this should assure him that you can afford it and that you will not overspend.
Post # 6
You will all think im crazy but here it goes: The idea has always been to get married and settle down….the long engagement i understand too, we were young however its about time. Technically in my eyes ive pushed for us to save but somehow we never do- not my choice. My ultimate goal is to be married(im offering him the rest of my life) The heartache has pushed me to the point where i even wanted a reception- to the point i said just me and you and the papers. The whole ‘WEDDING’ would be great but my goal is to progress within our relationship. He says ‘ We will not do a small wedding, it has to be what we want with all the family’.
I just want to be married!!!! husband and wife- pure and simple…..the ‘wedding’ can come when we have funds but for him its all or nothing.
This is the hard part: we have a good relationship and always have…..i wnat to give him my all properly but how long do i wait? ive been wanting marraige for just under 2 years now and he agrees but i cant see changes? He has a good heart and is the greatest person you will meet BUT i am not getting what i want …. and its a big thing! Heartache!!
Ireally need advice……sitting down and talking – ive done too much of!
Post # 7
U need to present him with facts, budget, prices. You need to work out your monthly incomings and out goings and monthly wedding payment plan!!!
You got advice from me and several others. By the sound of things advice isn’t what you want to hear.
Post # 8
@cutylai: Why can’t you sit him down and say you are ready to set a date. You are engaged after all, no reason why can’t be more assertive. Do your research, make a budget and savings plan like the PP mentioned and set a date.
If he still gives more excuses than you know he is just stalling for more time.
Post # 9
This sounds like a terrible situation.
Are you prepared to be engaged forever? It sounds like if you don’t change anything, this could actually happen. You need to let him know that you’re not waiting around forever. If it were me, I would give him a year to not just pick a date but really commit to a wedding – place a deposit on a venue, invite people, etc. If he doesn’t want to do those things very soon, I don’t think he wants to get married.
Post # 10
8 years is quite long – but given your age then it is understandable.
Why dont you pin him down, book a venue and put a deposit. It can be hard to save without a direct goal in mind! Book it for 18months – 2 years out and its plenty of time to squirrel away your savings
Post # 11
@cutylai: your right in the way you feel. i’m so sorry that your going thru this.
but you cant make him set a date. save up some $$ and then try talking to him about it.
or have a intimate wedding with very close family and friends.
have a lil church ceremony and a light luncheon.
Post # 12
umm he doesn’t get to pick the date. It should be a joint decision. Sit down talk look over your bills, see where you can cut back/save money, set up a weddng account and put money in it every month. Figure out how much you want to spend, and how long it wll take you. Then set the date. If he can’t decide or come to agreement on date clearly he is stalling and it is time to have a serious talk.
Post # 13
Oh my! 8 years is a long time but now, at your current ages and the fact that you own a house, it’s time to make good on the legal commitment part of the engagement. Weddings can certainly be done less expensively. You can even go to Vegas! You can take a low-interest line of credit against the equity in your home to finance a small wedding.
If he won’t totally commit to a date, I’m afraid I’d go hard core on him: take off the e-ring, hand it back to him and say something like this: “You asked me to marry you and I said yes. Now we’re old enough and have made some big financial commitments. I want the whole deal. Either we go ahead with the wedding plans or I’ll consider us not engaged. You’ll have to figure out how to buy me out of my half of the house and we’ll go on with our lives separately. You aren’t giving me the security of marriage.” If you want children, you may really want the legal part of this completed.
I’m sorry to make it sound cold, but an engagement is a promise to marry… Not just to be engaged. 8 years is a long time and it doesn’t sound like you’re happy with this arrangement. You get to decide what you want and if he doesn’t want the same thing, best to know before a wedding.
Post # 14
Weddings don’t have to be expensive. Even bigger ones, trust me. We had ~100 people and did ours (tastefully, I might add) for less than 9K. We could have done it even cheaper if we’d wanted to, but we did splurge on a few things.
8 years is a long time for an engagement – plus the fact that your whole relationship has obviously been longer than that. Most women wouldn’t even wait 8 years for a proposal, much less a wedding date. (I’m not saying people don’t or shouldn’t, just that in my experience most wouldn’t.)
I’d make him pick a date within the next year and a half. I would literally say “We’re getting married before December 31, 2013.” Then start saving specifically for that purpose, even if it’s just a little at a time. Like I said, weddings don’t have to be extravagantly expensive and they can still be “the whole shabang” with family and friends. It’s possible. Maybe he doesn’t realize that? In which case…show him.
Post # 15
I have never heard before anyone having 8 year long engagement.
My question is: If you do not have funds to arrange wedding that you were planning, why not compromise and make smaller wedding. It doesn’t have to cost 10 000 dollars. Not even 5000 dollars. It can be still cheap but chic if you don’t invite hundreds of people and if you are ready to do stuff yourself and seek for cheaper solutions 🙂