(Closed) 8 years of waiting……

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

I would give him an ultimatum and a definite timeline. If he isn’t ready by now, he’s never going to be ready, and there’s really no excuse to wait a while longer.

 

 

Post # 4
Member
1448 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Maybe try reading Diana Kirschner’s “Sealing the Deal”?  There are a lot of tips in there for handling non-committal guys.

It’s hard having your business and home intertwined with this fellow.

Definitely do things to take care of yourself right now.  Get massages/facials/new outfits, new workout routine, whatever you can do to show yourself how much you love and want to take care of you.

Post # 5
Member
1850 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

“Someday”? After 8 years, that’s all he can give you?

Does he really want to be married…to anyone…ever? Or he is the guy that likes to be in a stable, if unmarried relationship? Are you okay if the latter is true?

Does he want kids ever?

Yes, a timeframe would definitely put you at ease and sort of force him to focus on what’s important to him in terms of this relationship. 8 years is a long time for a guy to still be *confused* about marriage. Either he does or he doesn’t. That decision affects you, so ask.

Post # 6
Member
1685 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I agree about the deadline: not for him, for you!

Set a date, and walk after that date.  You might love him, but if getting married is important to you, you shouldn’t have to give that up to be with him.  You don’t want to be strung along.

Post # 7
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Completely agree with the above comments.  Talk to him, set a deadline (either privately or tell him), and walk if he doesn’t meet it.  I waited 8 years as well, but we started dating in highschool.  Established, working adults don’t need 8 years, and if they do they should be able to give more of a timeline than “someday”

Post # 8
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

If he wanted to marry you, he would have done it by now.

Post # 9
Member
9061 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Why don’t you propose to him?

Post # 10
Member
598 posts
Busy bee

He says someday? Give him an ultimatum, otherwise you’ll be waiting another 8 years.

Post # 11
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

As a rule, the chances that a guy is going to propose to you pretty much takes a nosedive after 3 years, approximately.  I mean, after dating for 3 years, what else is there to learn about you that might influence his decision?

I would say either accept his obvious lack of gumption, or pick a walking date, maybe talk to him about what you want, and tell him that if what he wants out of life isn’t the same as what you want out of life, in the same time frame, then you’ll have to part ways. 

Post # 12
Member
40 posts
Newbee

Are you happy with him? Can you live with not being married if he decides against it? I think for him, its not so much commitment issue as much as he is just used to his life the way it is and he likes that way. If you want to give him an ultimateum, go for it. but stick to your guns when the day comes or hell call your bluff and keep stringing you on. 

Post # 13
Member
3420 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Hold up, you got with thisndude when you were 32 and he was 34 and he still hasn’t made up his mind. Oh to hell with that! Walk. That’s such an insult

Post # 14
Member
815 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

My fiance proposed on our 9th anniversary.  We went through a rough patch and started going to counseling about 2 years earlier & I figured out that a lot of the reason we weren’t married was based on his fear & anxiety. 

When we first met, we were so in love, but niether one of us was ready for marriage.  We both got a bit of a late start in life & were just figuring things out & I was focused on my career while he was focused on school.  Then there was a point where he was ready & I wasn’t.  He hadn’t actually proposed but apparently was getting ready to do it sometime soon, when something I said pushed him away.  And he didn’t tell me for 5 years!!  And in those 5 years, so much changed that I was ready & felt like he wasn’t & I kept wondering why.  Finally, going to counseling put so much out on the table.  I was able to realize that I had hurt him in the past & he was able to see that I really did love him & wasn’t planning on going anywhere.  So as we built things up again, we started talking about marriage and it eventually led to a proposal.  We’re getting married in June of 2013, one month after being together for 10 years!!  We’ll be 35 & 38.

I don’t completely agree that it’s about setting ultimatums.  Most people don’t like to hear those & it often pushes people away.  I think it’s about letting him know what you really want and need in life and that you want it with him.  But if that’s not what he wants, then it may be time to move on, or decide if you’re content with everything you have now.  If he wants to make things work with you, he also has to understand your needs and that marriage is important to you.  He also needs to know if you feel hurt or unappreciated because he hasn’t proposed.

Maybe you already know all of this, but I wanted to let you know my story and let you know that even after 9 years, it is possible to get to a great place and both want to be married 😉  I hope for the best for you!!

Post # 15
Member
678 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@Amayansong:  Wow sounds like we are living parallel lives (almost- we will be engaged around our 7th anniversary). Not enough can be said for open communication- we were able to work things out on our own but there were plenty of times where I thought we might need a counselor’s help. SO actually has an anxiety disorder… and around the time he started getting treatment for that was when he finally turned to corner on the issue of marriage. Coincidence??

I 100% agree with what you said about ultimatums. Even though I never outright gave SO an ultimatum, I look back on some of the things I said over the past 6 years, some of the quippy, snide remarks I may have made regarding our relationship status, and I worry now that I put too much pressure on him just by doing that. I would most likely be questioning the foundation of our marriage if it had been produced by an ultimatum (that’s just how I feel, I know it has worked out fine for others!)

Post # 16
Member
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My FI and I got engaged right before our 9-year anniversary.  I was at my breaking point too, but had a frank discussion with him.  I didn’t give him a timeline, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to follow through with it.  After 9 years though, your man at least owes you an honest discussion about your relationship together, what he sees happening.  It might not be what you want to hear, but it may need what you need to hear.  

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