My FI's are very anti-alcohol. They told me they'd love to pay for the rehearsal dinner and already have the place picked out. We usually (in our fam) have this dinner with the whole fam, aunts/uncles/cousins/wed. party... cause usually everyone pitches in. Esp. my aunts ( I have 5 very busy ones who have always loved to plan weddings and are a real help!) My FMIL said that they could only pay for the wed. party. So I said fine, that's reasonable. That's like 20 ppl with all of us and our dates. And that's expensive enough in and of itself. But...they refuse to pay for booze. I know a lot will be going around. It IS a celebration. The wine there's not cheap. How do I swing that? Do FH and I pick up the tab? Ask ppl to pay for their own?
I'm of the opinion that it's not unreasonable to have people pay for their own alcohol, so I see no problem in asking everyone to pay their own way when it comes to the wine. Let both the attendees and your server know that all alcohol purchases have to go on separate tabs, then at the end of the meal your future in laws will have the meal tab and then anyone who drank will get their own tab for the wine.
However, if it won't break the bank and you want to, go ahead and pay for the alcohol, again letting your server know that the alcohol goes on a separate tab that is to be delivered to you.
I have been to several weddings where people pay for their own drinks, but I don't like it. So what you can do is go talk to the restaurant and tell the manager your situation. Then ask him if he can serve a set amount of beer and wine (to be put on tables). He will tell you how much is needed for a party of 20 people for a certain amount of hours. Mixed drinks are not needed for dinner. Anyone who doesn't like beer and wine can drink soda.
Good luck - try not to get too upset about your FI's decision.
I agree with Queenoftheclick; you can buy a few bottles of wine and/or pitchers of beer for the table. Anyone who wants mixed drinks or hard liquor can buy it on their own at the bar.
Yes, I agree with Maryallison, check with the fact that they are indeed with alcohol being served first before you go ahead and make any other plans. And FI and I are picking up the drink tab for our 40-person rehearsal dinner while his parents pay for the food.
Thanks for the ideas, everyone! My FIL are dry because my MIL never really liked to drink and my FIL is a recovering alcoholic, dry for many years. They would prefer no one drink, as they believe it is the work of the devil, but that's just plain unrealistic. I have many friends and fam that will be there and want them to feel comfortable to have fun. My FH and I will be careful not to drink too much in front of them, but I also plan on celebrating. According to my FH, his dad has dealt with this at many weddings, including his brother's. So I think we'll be ok.
I guess I see this a couple of different ways. First, if your FIL's are hosting you should be respectful, whatever their wishes. Seems like they have a valid disdain for alchohol so I would see how they felt about it being served at all.
And it is a celebration, but the main event isn't until the following day. FI and I are pretty much paying for the RD ourselves and don't feel the need to provide a bar or cover drinks. We are going to have champagne, but beyond that I don't want everyone to get liqoured up and show up the next day half cocked.
I think it's okay to not have alcohol or make people buy their own alcohol. The rehearsal dinner I went to last year the grooms parents paid for the dinner and any non-alcoholic drinks and guests bought their own alcoholic beverages if they desired. I don't think we're having any alcohol at our rehearsal dinner because we don't want anyone to be hung-over the next morning!
I can definitely see how this would be frustrating for you. Like you said, you're celebrating and have no issue with the presence of alcohol. However, I do think it bears some great consideration that in the end, it IS your FIL's who are hosting this part of the celebration. To ask them to pay for something that they feel so strongly against (which is understandable because there's the issue of recovery from alcoholism) wouldn't be right. If it turns out that they would be okay with it being served at the RD, then, like a previous poster mentioned, having all the alcohol go on a separate bill and directed to you might be the best way to go. Otherwise, considering that the real celebration happens at the wedding reception, would it really be the end of the world to have a dry RD?
It's definately okay to have a dry RD - or to provide limited alcohol only. We are providing a small selection of wines and beers on our tab, and if people want anything else it's basically pay to play - they need to go out and order it at the bar and pay themselves. If you're having your RD in a restaurant, there is no way that you can stop guests from walking out to the bar in order to get their own drinks.
I have several friends who are non-drinking for various reasons, including religeon and alcoholism. While I can understand the preference of a recovered alcoholic that nobody drink, if your FFIL ever eats out in a restaurant, there are people imbibing all around him. It's a bit unrealistic to expect that everybody will be happy to not drink around you - more if you are inviting friends to dinner at your home, but in this case I'm sure there are people in your family who have never met FFIL - and unless he wants his issues aired in front of the whole crowd... If they are not absolutely against anybody drinking, but just don't want to pay for it, I would pick up the bill yourselves.
Another possible way, if the restaurant simply has very expensive wines only, is to bring in your own and pay the corkage fee (usually about $10 a bottle).
My FI's are very anti-alcohol. They told me they'd love to pay for the rehearsal dinner and already have the place picked out. We usually (in our fam) have this dinner with the whole fam, aunts/uncles/cousins/wed. party... cause usually everyone pitches in. Esp. my aunts ( I have 5 very busy ones who have always loved to plan weddings and are a real help!) My FMIL said that they could only pay for the wed. party. So I said fine, that's reasonable. That's like 20 ppl with all of us and our dates. And that's expensive enough in and of itself. But...they refuse to pay for booze. I know a lot will be going around. It IS a celebration. The wine there's not cheap. How do I swing that? Do FH and I pick up the tab? Ask ppl to pay for their own?
posted by cjcwomyn3 3 months agoI'm of the opinion that it's not unreasonable to have people pay for their own alcohol, so I see no problem in asking everyone to pay their own way when it comes to the wine. Let both the attendees and your server know that all alcohol purchases have to go on separate tabs, then at the end of the meal your future in laws will have the meal tab and then anyone who drank will get their own tab for the wine.
However, if it won't break the bank and you want to, go ahead and pay for the alcohol, again letting your server know that the alcohol goes on a separate tab that is to be delivered to you.
posted by MsAnge 3 months agoI have been to several weddings where people pay for their own drinks, but I don't like it. So what you can do is go talk to the restaurant and tell the manager your situation. Then ask him if he can serve a set amount of beer and wine (to be put on tables). He will tell you how much is needed for a party of 20 people for a certain amount of hours. Mixed drinks are not needed for dinner. Anyone who doesn't like beer and wine can drink soda.
Good luck - try not to get too upset about your FI's decision.
posted by QueenoftheClick 3 months agoYou say they are "anti-alcohol" -- are you sure they're okay with having alcohol served at all?
posted by maryalison 3 months agoI agree with Queenoftheclick; you can buy a few bottles of wine and/or pitchers of beer for the table. Anyone who wants mixed drinks or hard liquor can buy it on their own at the bar.
posted by MissDragonfly 3 months agoYes, I agree with Maryallison, check with the fact that they are indeed with alcohol being served first before you go ahead and make any other plans. And FI and I are picking up the drink tab for our 40-person rehearsal dinner while his parents pay for the food.
posted by jma19 3 months agoCan you bring your own wine to the location and pay a corkage fee?
posted by TallBride 3 months agoThanks for the ideas, everyone! My FIL are dry because my MIL never really liked to drink and my FIL is a recovering alcoholic, dry for many years. They would prefer no one drink, as they believe it is the work of the devil, but that's just plain unrealistic. I have many friends and fam that will be there and want them to feel comfortable to have fun. My FH and I will be careful not to drink too much in front of them, but I also plan on celebrating. According to my FH, his dad has dealt with this at many weddings, including his brother's. So I think we'll be ok.
posted by cjcwomyn3 3 months agoI guess I see this a couple of different ways. First, if your FIL's are hosting you should be respectful, whatever their wishes. Seems like they have a valid disdain for alchohol so I would see how they felt about it being served at all.
And it is a celebration, but the main event isn't until the following day. FI and I are pretty much paying for the RD ourselves and don't feel the need to provide a bar or cover drinks. We are going to have champagne, but beyond that I don't want everyone to get liqoured up and show up the next day half cocked.
posted by cbkj 3 months agoI think it's okay to not have alcohol or make people buy their own alcohol. The rehearsal dinner I went to last year the grooms parents paid for the dinner and any non-alcoholic drinks and guests bought their own alcoholic beverages if they desired. I don't think we're having any alcohol at our rehearsal dinner because we don't want anyone to be hung-over the next morning!
posted by missbean 3 months agoI can definitely see how this would be frustrating for you. Like you said, you're celebrating and have no issue with the presence of alcohol. However, I do think it bears some great consideration that in the end, it IS your FIL's who are hosting this part of the celebration. To ask them to pay for something that they feel so strongly against (which is understandable because there's the issue of recovery from alcoholism) wouldn't be right. If it turns out that they would be okay with it being served at the RD, then, like a previous poster mentioned, having all the alcohol go on a separate bill and directed to you might be the best way to go. Otherwise, considering that the real celebration happens at the wedding reception, would it really be the end of the world to have a dry RD?
posted by thenewmrsw 3 months agoIt's definately okay to have a dry RD - or to provide limited alcohol only. We are providing a small selection of wines and beers on our tab, and if people want anything else it's basically pay to play - they need to go out and order it at the bar and pay themselves. If you're having your RD in a restaurant, there is no way that you can stop guests from walking out to the bar in order to get their own drinks.
I have several friends who are non-drinking for various reasons, including religeon and alcoholism. While I can understand the preference of a recovered alcoholic that nobody drink, if your FFIL ever eats out in a restaurant, there are people imbibing all around him. It's a bit unrealistic to expect that everybody will be happy to not drink around you - more if you are inviting friends to dinner at your home, but in this case I'm sure there are people in your family who have never met FFIL - and unless he wants his issues aired in front of the whole crowd... If they are not absolutely against anybody drinking, but just don't want to pay for it, I would pick up the bill yourselves.
Another possible way, if the restaurant simply has very expensive wines only, is to bring in your own and pay the corkage fee (usually about $10 a bottle).
posted by suzanno 3 months ago