9 year engagement??

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 4
Member
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Smithfield Center

Definitely not unreasonable. You don’t have to have a big, lavish wedding to get married. 9 years is, in my opinion, waaaay too long of an engagement!

Post # 5
Member
8720 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@JLR1982:  ooh, I’m going to have to agree. I’m sorry OP.

Post # 6
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

It does sound like the relationship has come to an end, but perhaps you’re together because it’s comfortable and “convinient.”  9 years is a long, long time especially with a family.  You definitely deserve to be happy, but before you can do that, you’ll have to sever this tie.

Post # 7
Member
896 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

@evergoingtobemrs: I think wht is unreasonable is to marry someone who from your post comes across as 1) someone who does not value the birth of a child as much as he should (he cheated on that day); 2) does not value friendship (he cheated with his best friend’s wife); and 3) does not value YOU (he cheated on you as you were giving birth to HIS child). 

Post # 8
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I don’t think you are unreasonable in asking your FI to agree a specific date – none of this “perhaps in 2020” nonsense but an actual, for definite, wedding date. Only being engaged for 9 years (allied to his previous behaviour) suggests that he was quite happy to hook you in on the vague promise of a wedding but has no intention of going through with one.

So yes, the time has come for cards to be put on the table. If he’s not prepared to commit to you then it’s time to walk, I fear.

Post # 9
Member
2721 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@evergoingtobemrs:  7 years (since 2006) is a very long time to be engaged and not mention a date.  My guess is he would prefer not to marry. You already have children so he is not holding up your life so you just need to decide whether you really want to be married or continue with him. That being said, what happens if you meet someone else you prefer? Would you want to leave?

Post # 10
Member
2302 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@evergoingtobemrs:  if he wanted to be married to you – you would be. you’ve been engaged for nine years and have a child together. you could have been married a hundred times at city hall for 100 dollars if marriage is what you both wanted. 

i would never be engaged for 9 years – if i couldn’t afford a wedding, i would have a city hall ceremony. 

i don’t think he wants to marry you – and i wouldn’t want to marry him.

Post # 11
Member
1468 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

You’ve waited for 9 years, he’s already cheated on you, and you’re asking if it’s okay to give him 2 more years.  No, no, and no. He’s the father of your children but he’ll never be your husband.   It’s time for you to move on with your life. 

Post # 12
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@AngelR88:  Exactly! OP, do you really want to marry a man who would do these things, not only to you, but to his closest friend (and even his child, in a way)? Personally, I think you deserve better. Normally, I don’t believe in ever pressuring a person into marriage. Why would you want to marry someone you coerced into it, rather than someone who can’t wait to enter into such a commitment with you? However, in this case, I say put your cards in the table, if you really want to marry him. At least it’s a step towards resolution. If he says no, it’s probably time to move on. 

 

Post # 13
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee

Are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Even after the cheating? 

 

If you are entirely sure, then I suggest you sit him down for a talk. Tell him you know that a lot has happened since his proposal in 2004… but now you are ready for the next step which is marriage. Ask him if he feels the same. You guys should take the chance to discuss where your relationship is heading, what’s holding him back from marrying you and what your expectations are. Sometimes guys overthink stuff and they put off the wedding because they don’t have enough money to throw you a lavish party. 

On the other hand, you must also be prepared if he tells you he has no intention to marry and likes things as they are. What are you going to do? Issue him an ultimatum, marry me or else?! Or are you going to let him be and stay as his fiancee forever???

 

Post # 14
Member
1520 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I think what is unreasonable is to give him another 2 years!!! Sounds like you are heading for divorce before you even say ‘I Do’  I think its time for you to move on 🙁  It says A LOT that he cheated on you the day you gave birth to his child…..He doesnt value or respect you, please value and respect yourself. This is really sad.

🙁 sorry Time to move on!  please dont give him anymore of your time, as you said you arent getting any younger, better to move forward with your life now then wait another 2, 3, 4, 5 + years…. it may be hard now but it is for the best

GOOD LUCK!! MOVE ON!!!! and remember “This too shall pass”

@OctBride-2012:  said perfectly “hes the father of your children but will never be your husband” 🙁 so sorry

Post # 15
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I dunno. To me, with the kids and the length of time, you guys are married ( though not legally.) I wouldn’t be in a rush to leave.

I don’t like the cheating in 2006 AT ALL. I usually say on here to never stay with a cheater who you aren’t married to, but your situation is a little bit different. If that was the only time, and you have truly gotten past it, then I am inclined to say it was 7 years ago and not as relevant. 2 years later, he adopted a child that was not his. That is a major commitment.

My SO’s parents were together for 15 years before they were married, and they lived as husband and wife and had kids long before then. They’ve now been together for a total of 33 years.

I know of another couple that have been together for the same length of time without marriage.

If your relationship is good and he is a good partner and good father, and you are still sure you want this, tell him it’s time to go to the courthouse and get married.

Post # 16
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

It doesn’t sound like he wants or deserves you as a wife. He doesn’t seem to be taking the relationship very seriously. I would move on, OP. 

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