Post # 1
So recently I’ve found myself becoming so impatient with waiting, I’ve found myself crying randomly without any reason. My SO and I have been dating for 9 years (yes that is not your eyes decieving you) and I am about to explode if I hear, “one day soon” in a sentence again considering one day soon in man years is NOT equal to one day soon in women years.
Now, to his defense, he is in law school with this year being his last (THANK GOD!) but once school is over this coming May, the wait isn’t. I have to factor in a summer of no contact as he will be studying for the bar and then waiting (still impatiently) for his score to come out some time in November.
On top of all of this, the dreaded, “I still need to find a job” has been looming over my head like a bad storm. Fortunately he’s been working at a family member’s firm and I’ve been telling him that his cousin is not going to throw him out on him butt come graduation but until he gets that offer letter, forget even trying to rationalize anything or utter the word marriage without getting into a fight.
The crappy part to all of this is that I’ve been working for a few years now and am ready to move on with my life, buy a home, and get married and I have felt stuck for way too long, as every other person around me has gotten engaged and married. He talks about wanting to get married and it’ll happen soon but it’s just not cutting it for me anymore!! I honestly don’t know how much longer I can take this limbo I live in without self combusting!
Well….if you’ve gotten to this part, I commend you for listening to me vent. I feel sooo much better already!!
Post # 3
Tell him that if he doesn’t propose by May, you’re done.
I get that he’s busy and needs to study and has to find a work yadda yadda, but I think you’ve endured enough.
You can have a long(ish) engagement so he doesn’t have to worry about planning anything before November.
Post # 4
9 years is a LONG time, but how old are both of you?
Post # 5
9 YEARS!?!?! That is not just waiting, what you’ve got on your hands is a bonafide, four alarm, medical emergency on your hands…you tell that man of yours that you’ve got a fever, and the only cure known for it is diamonds…
Post # 6
That’s rough. I guess a courthouse wedding and a three day honeymoon in between graduation and when he starts studying is out? (Because after nine years, nobody can accuse you of rushing things. 🙂
Post # 7
Geez I really really feel sorry for you. That sucks so bad. I would be so upset. I think you need to talk to him about getting engaged before he starts studying for the bar, that way you can plan the wedding and have something to do while he is MIA. That just isn’t fair to you to have been faithfully devoted to him that whole time without a promise of something in the future. I think you need to explain to him how you are feeling.
Post # 8
try giving him a timeline. get him to agree on a ‘someday soon’ maybe agree to become engaged before June. if he wants to propose before he gradutes thats great if not, he has 1 month to pop the question. but make sure he knows that the wedding wouldnt be that month. agree on maybe a year long enegagement? so wedding in may/june ’14? it’ll give you plenty of time to plan, and hopefully he’ll have a job by then. But if he doesnt agree… move on?
Post # 9
You guys need to commit to a firm timeline, and you need to make sure you are communicating your needs/vision for the future to him, making sure that he understands that what you want is just as important as what he wants.
Post # 10
Hugs! I feel for you…
I think you have a few options, but it all depends on what you both want. For example, you can get engaed and married right away if a big/expensive ceremony is not important to either of you. If the ceremony/celebration is important to one or both of you and will be costly then you have the option of getting engaged as soon as you can and then having a year or two engagement to save for the wedding if that’s something you need to do. Keeping in mind that if you both agree your engagement doesnt need to be extravagant, it can be no ring, it can be a less expensive ring to be upgraded later on, etc. At this point after 9 years, given your situation its the intent and commitment that counts!
Either way, you need to get the ball rolling with a firm but nice talk with him to establish an agreed upon timeline so that you can at least be put at ease with something to look forward to (a proposal based on your timeline). I most certainly agree you have more than waited long enough. Good luck and let us know how it turns out…
Post # 11
Make him watch My Cousin Vinny 🙂 Seriously, I’m not sure how he equates waiting for bar results as being unable to propose. In fact, I’d go so far as to say planning a wedding would take his mind off waiting for the results. And studying for the bar only starts hard in July. It’s a bit…half-hearted in June (and non-existent in May).
While in law school, one female friend was engaged 2L spring, married after graduation. Another was engaged end of 2L summer, married over 3L winter break. A third (male) came in engaged (engaged over the summer I believe), married 1L summer. I forget when a fourth was engaged, but also married after graduation (to another law student – although they met in college). It only stops you if you want to be stopped…
Post # 12
9 years. You have more patience than me.
I am not a fan of ultimatums, but in this case, if being married is important to you, it might just be time for one.
Post # 13
I waited 6 so I kinda know where your coming from. But wow 9!… I would have a real talk with him and give him a date that you will walk!
I understand that things are in the way right now but I think it’s possible to at least get engaged now and wait a year or two for a wedding! At that point I would opt for Vegas if that’s what it takes!
Post # 14
I’ve heard alot about guys going through grad/professonal programs not wanting to get married in school. Then waiting for a job is another big factor in the “waiting”. All you can do is ask him why he’s waiting, is it because he wants the job first or some other reason? Ask him if you can get engaged then wait on the wedding.
Post # 15
9 years is totally insane! If money is a factor (sounds like it is), you can be engaged without a ring. If one or both of you insists on a ring, then you could always start with a CZ or something and upgrade later.
Post # 16
@Marriage_Mode: Boy is dragging his feet! He can’t go on with this “soon” talk. Man, how waiting bees hate that word. I haven’t been waiting 9 years and at that point soon better mean 5 minutes from now. I hope this is your HS sweetheart and you guys are still young. Even if that’s the case you should at least have a timeline by now. If marriage is important to you and he can’t give a timeline I would walk. Something isn’t right if he isn’t just as anxious as you at this point. Maybe he doesn’t see himself ever getting married or maybe he has a few issues with the relationship he wants you guys to work out? No matter what it is he should be talking to you about it. Seems really selfish to leave someone hanging that long.