Post # 1
So I just read this older thread
and I’m pretty upset.
Biphobia is something that has hurt me for a long time. In that thread alone (and it’s far from the worst example) people suggest that bi men don’t exist, bisexual people can’t or shouldn’t commit to one person/sex, and bisexuality is a marriage dealbreaker even when other things are ok.
Bisexual women are stereotyped as super promiscuous or straight girls “going through a phase” or “looking for male attention,” bisexual men are seen as just gay men who haven’t “come all the way out yet.” Nobody can win.
It’s not just het folks either.
It’s really hard to hear this stuff, even from other LGBT folks. I’ve had women tell me they like me, and we’ve flirted, and then they’ve found out I’m bi and gone cold. “I don’t date bis.” Not once but multiple times. I’ve gone to LBGT events or tried to take part in online communities and been told (usually by vitriolic PM) I don’t belong there because my Fiance is male so I’m “taking the easy way out.” I’m right there in the acronym but apparently not welcome in the community.
Even Dan Savage, whose writing I enjoyed for a long time, writes upsetting biphobic material.
Does anyone else notice this? Am I too sensitive? Any other bisexual bees out there who feel under-or-wrongly reperesented?
Post # 3
I agree with you 100%. I actually don’t even tell anyone anymore because it’s too exhausting to deal with. Also, I don’t know why people suddenly feel like they can ask me very personal questions once they find out! I’ve never quite felt accepted by the LGBT community (especially now that I’m engaged to a man), and I’m looked at with suspicion by straight people. It’s frustrating!
Post # 4
I actually believe MOST people are bisexual. I don’t think many people are completely straight or gay, I think there’s a little bit of attraction to each gender in most people.
I identify as straight, but i’m not completely straight. I have kissed girls before and I look at women a lot of the time and think they are very pretty, or check out their bodies (if FH gets the mens mags, I will steal them and perv on the girls, while he reads the stories in there).
Labels are stupid, they are only there to make it easier to judge people for being ‘different’, but really we are ALL different. I would probably never go out with a woman, so i’m called straight, but as mentioned above, I am not COMPLETELY straight.
As for those girls who ‘don’t date bis’, you would think they might have been a little more accepting, having probably been discriminated against for the sexual preferences, but would you really want to go out with someone who was prejudiced against you anyway?
I think it’s mainly ignorance, the gender you’re attracted to has no impact on who you are as a person, so maybe people just don’t know any better and assume bisexual women sleep around, or bisexual men just aren’t out of the closet yet. It sucks, but now that it’s becoming more accepted it will change over time.
Post # 5
I completely agree with you OP. I am not bisexual, or bicurious, I am very much straight, but I still think that yes people can be bisexual, and it is not just gay people not coming out of the closet. And of course they can be with just one person and commit to them completely!
@Lovemelovemyhorses: I disagree that most people are bisexual, people can be completely straight, just as they can be completely gay or bisexual.
Post # 6
I don’t even identify as bi and I’ve noticed the bi phobia. See the currently-active “my prof said something odd today…” thread for my detailed views on why I think this has happened.
I find it’s hypocritcal of the gay community in particular to outcast the bi people and to tell them that their orientation does not exist, that they’re making it up, for whatever reason. Isn’t this the exact treatment from the straight community to them, that they’ve been fighting against? Now they are turning around and doing it to the bi people.
I’m sorry it muddies the water, gay community, but grow up. Reality is complicated.
Post # 7
Thanks for the post, I know it hurts but a lot of people really don’t know any better. The information they have about bisexuality comes from media and friends and so many and just really ignorant. I experience this during my time as a club officer. Usually a short explanation really helps dispel stereotypes and myths and people are frequently receptive.
I posted this on that thread…
“It’s probably already mentioned so I’ll just leave this here:
Bisexual is not bicurious. I am bisexual. I’ve never dated another woman and I’m not “curious” to sexually explore women. I’ve never had sex with another woman, I’m just attracted to them as I am men. The Fiance mentioned in this post may have never had any sexual relations with other men and why would that matter anyway?
I’m in a loving exclusive relationship with my Fiance and me being attracted to women doesn’t change our relationship. We also have NO desire to envolve any other women in our relationship. This isn’t to dismiss people with open relationships, we are extremely jealous people and would both be very hurt if we had an open relationship.
A common misconception of bisexuality is that it’s synonymous with perversion and sex with everyone. This is not the case. It is mearly attraction to more than one sex/gender.
Just wanted to clear some things up. I used to be a representive of an LGBTQIAOP club in college so feel free to ask any questions.
Edit: I also want to dispel the myth that there are few “true” bisexual men. This is simply not true and is a current misconception that is predominant in even the LGBT community. We are not always so knowledgible of others’ sexuality. I myself am not an expert, however I spent years studying sex and gender at my university so I believe I can either answer your questions or direct you to a source that can.“
Post # 8
Yes, people can be completely straight or gay, but I don’t believe MOST people are. I think there is a sliding scale, it’s not as black and white as many people make it out to be. I think there is some element of attraction to the same sex in a lot of people. This Is why I don’t think ‘gay’, ‘straight’ and ‘bi’ are accurate representations of sexual preference, lumping people into one of 3 categories COULD be accurate, but when people think of bisexuals, they generally think of someone who dates men and women. In my view, bisexuals can be people who are mostly attracted to the same or opposite sex, but still fantasize, look at, kiss or have a crush on the sex that they aren’t mainly attracted to. The kinsley scale is a prerty good notion imo.
Post # 9
I agree that it’s a continuum, and that sexuality is fluid. I dated women in college, and at the end of high school I was pretty much ready to proclaim my homosexuality…and then I met a guy who I fell for. That was my pattern in college — date a few girls, date a guy — and then I dated guys for a while, and then started dating my fiance. I know a lot of women like this, who dated both men and women while they were in college and “settled” on one or the other as they got older. I think the potential for a homosexual relationship exists within many of us (just as the potential for a heterosexual relationship exists within many of us), and I think that is why some people are so violently anti-homosexuals — they are terrified because they can see themselves with another man or woman.
Post # 10
I identify as bisexual and I’m lucky enough to have parents who understand the sexuality continuum, but I had quite a lot of flack from both the straight and gay communities over the year for having the nerve to flit between dating men and dating women.
Here’s hoping we can start moving towards a little more acceptance that you can be a. bisexual and b. bisexual and monogamous.
Post # 11
I think some of the problem may be that I think very few people are attracted completely equally to both males and females. How far off does someone need to be before they are no longer considered bi?
Personally, I just accept what someone tells me, unless they are obviously more at the opposite end of a spectrum than what they say; like a gay man saying he is straight.
Post # 12
Wow, some of the ignorance in that thread is astounding.
I identified as lesbian throughout high school and most of college, and then I happened to fall for a guy. It threw me for a huge loop. I got so much crap from my gay friends (“You can go from straight to bi, but not gay to bi. That’s backwards and it doesn’t work that way.” “I would never date someone who’s bi, that’s twice as many people they can cheat on you with.”) I’m dating a man (almost five years now) and I’ve never had the desire to leave him for ANYONE. I don’t “crave vaginas.”
I’ve been conditioned not to think of myself as a “true” bisexual because I’m still 90% attracted to women. I jokingly used the term “lesbian making an exception” until a professor put it more eloquently — “queer with heterosexual privileges.”
I told my SO before we even started dating in case it was going to be a problem for him (wouldn’t want him to be “horrified”)…
Post # 14
@Bebealways: You are not alone in this. I’ve dealt with it for quite a while. I can’t even count how many people (usually men) have told me I’m ‘not really bi’ because I’ve never had sex with a girl. Ummmm, did you have to have sex with a girl to know you were straight? Maybe some people do, I guess, but I’d be willing to guess that’s rare. I’ve known this about myself for a very long time and being condescended to like that is infuriating.
I particularly remember one college lecture where we were discussing human sexuality and my professor asked the classroom, how they felt about bisexuals, and one of the people he called on was a good friend of mine who was gay and a prominent member of our LGBTQ campus organization. I was sitting right next to him and he was one of very few people who actually knew I was bi.
His response to the professor? “I don’t have a problem with bi people; I just think they’re so GREEDY.”
Post # 15
@Bebealways: +1 to all of this. Don’t even get me started.
Post # 16
I think a lot of the ignorance about bisexual individuals is cyclical. Many people believe that bisexuals are one step away from being “fully” gay or “fully” straight. That it is some type of in-between stage for confused people. People will cite evidence of having a friend/boyfriend/girlfriend who was bi, but then ended up “picking a side.”
The problem with this argument is that it perpetuates itself. People don’t get a chance to see, and interact, with people who are bisexual because bisexual people may end up hiding the fact that they are attracted to another sex in order to be accepted by the straight or gay community.
There are studies that show that female sexuality is more fluid than male sexuality, but people confuse that with men not being able to be bisexual. Plus, it seems likely to me that men have fluid sexuality as well, it is just more repressed.