Post # 1
This May my boyfriend and I will have been together for 4 years and although we are not engaged yet we have been talking about it for the past year and a half! In fact, he wanted to propose a year ago but I was working very hard to get into medical school. Meanwhile my extremely traditional parents had no clue he existed because even at age 24 an accomplished, independent woman like myself is not allowed to date let alone marry outside of the faith and heritage. I was afraid to hurt them, afraid to take control of my own life. I don’t feel like that any more!
After I got into medical school and survived the first semester I finally had the chance to think about the big picture, not just my career. My boyfriend is in medical school too so he understands the sacrifices. However, I didn’t expect him to be so patient and understanding of my culture! He always surpises me like that 🙂 He knows how much I love my parents and how much it hurts when they shut me out or say cruel things to me.
I warned my parents several times that I wouldn’t be guilted into following their wish that I marry traditionally. I told them about my boyfriend, I told them how happy he made me and that he was good to me. They didn’t care. They are still in denial that I will marry him. They threaten to disown me.
I guess I am writing this for some input and support, because I have no clue how to do all exciting engagement/wedding stuff without my parents in the picture. (e.g who walks me down the isle?)
If they do come around I wonder how stressful and challenging it will be to concile his family and my own while stressing to plan a wedding and study for boards. (e.g my father wouldn’t feel comfortable with me marrying in a church).
Thought I just share in case anyone has a similar problem!
Post # 3
I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I can sympathize, unfortunately. I married a woman and my family wanted no part of it. We waited for three years after we were engaged, because we couldn’t imagine having a wedding without our families, but we finally decided to go ahead with it. Parts of planning were very painful. For instance, our cake consultation made me cry. My mom does wedding cakes, it made me miss her. The day of our bridal shower was very hard. I could not stop thinking about my mom, aunts, sisters, etc. But once we were at the party we felt so loved, excited, and celebrated. They didn’t cross my mind any more that day.
Our wedding day was 1 week ago. It was perfect! We were aware that we might miss our families, but on the day of, neither of us did. I walked myself down the aisly, my wife walked with a close family friend. There were so many smiling faces and so, so much joy!!! We truly feel that those who were supposed to be there, were there. It was amazing.
Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel. It’s okay to grieve and to be sad and to be angry. Hang in there!
Post # 4
Congratulations, cowoman! I am very happy for you and wish that you have a long marriage!
It’s nice to know I am not alone. It’s that kind of inner peace you talk about that I am striving for. I know it is okay to be sad. I know that my parents love me.
Post # 5
what culture are you from? hopefully your parent will come around
Post # 6
@asianyoushi: I’m Middle Eastern and was raised Muslim, but do not practice. Traditionally the children take after the religion of the father; and so, it is important that a Muslim woman marry’s into the religion. Unfortunately, most still practice this antiquated tradition.
Post # 7
This is such a hard situation. I hope your parents eventually realize they will miss out if they make you choose. My thoughts are with you!
Post # 8
First and foremost… I see you are NEW to WBee… this being your Debut Post… so a BIG Welcome to “the Hive”
CONGRATULATIONS on your Engagement… and on your future Medical Career. That is quite an achievement.
Also, I admire your gumption and self confidence… to go against family’s wishes.
BUT you are right… Diversity & being open to others is a far better way to be… your children will thank you for your courage.
I get that you are still hoping that your Family will come around… how probable is that ?
Is there a chance that some will turn their backs on you… while others come out and support you just the same ?
Your vision of your Wedding in BOTH scenarios would look like what ?
(You mentioned walking down the aisle, a church etc… so you are thinking that it would be an event primarily for his family ? )
And worst case scenario… if the stress becomes too much would you and your Hubby-2B be thinking maybe the best thing would be to Elope, let the chips fall where they may… and then sometime after the Wedding have a family event (be that a Back Home Reception… or in a couple of years time a Marriage Celebration)
Any thoughts ?
Post # 9
@This Time Round: Thank you.
(1) I think that maybe my parents will come around, but years from now. It’s hard to say because they are still in denial and think that guilt will keep me from doing it. My father is old and not in very good health, so my mom frequently reminds me that. But here is the tough answer to your question, I believe that even if they come around that is not the end of it. They will criticize how I live, how I raise my children, and they will never respect or appreciate my significant other. They tell me I am ruining my life, wasting a good future, missing out on an honorable life. And so, with that mentality I never think we will see eye to eye. With that in mind, most days I tell myself it will be easier if I disowned THEM. However, I am not the kind of person who likes to do things the easy way. It is a process and I will take it step by step. If I have to push them out I will, because my significant other doesnt deserve to feel unworthy. I don’t want my future children to feel that way either.
(2) I have five sisters and everyone of them supports me! So I will have my family with me!
(3) The both of us our agnostic, so we may do it outdoors or at the chapel of our undergrad. We met at college. We both have an emotional connection with the place. However, I think we might take some Muslim and Christian traditions for the ceremony – not sure exactly what yet. This is what I want regardless of my parents presence.
(4) We talked about eloping, but I decided it would be too much like we were sneaking away. That happens in my culture and I want my parents and their circle to know we are proud of our unity instead of shamed like they think we should be.
Hope that answers your questions.
Post # 10
@NadiaN: Hi there, and welcome to the hive!
Firstly, a lot of people on here have very fractious relationships with their parents, and will be able to sympathise. For example, I have had lots of problems with my mother over the years. But you are a strong woman, and you don’t need their permission to marry or live your life. Don’t worry about the little things, like who will walk you down the aisle… there are lots of posts on here which will help you to navigate it all, one decision at a time!
As someone who has known people in somewhat similar situations, I expect that your parents will eventually come around… although possibly not until after you are married and they realise that you will not change their mind, and that their stubborness will change nothing.
Will this mean that you have to plan your wedding alone? Well, no. You will have your friends and your lovely Fiance. Plus, for everything else, no matter how bizarre, you can always ask us bees!
Post # 11
@Rachel631: Thanks for the warm welcome! I’m glad I found this awesome website, because I will have a lot of questions.
Post # 12
Sounds like a plan. I am happy to hear that there will be some family involvement / support for you (that makes it a tad easier)
Your concept for an outdoor ceremony sounds lovely.
And I totally get the idea of not wanting to elope (save face).
Makes perfect sense.
As Rachel631: said, WBee is a pretty supportive community… just lean on us if you need some encouragement.
(( HUGS ))
Post # 13
I must say, I really admire you for standing up for what you believe in, and, more importantly, for your love for your fiancé.
I have had similar discontent from my mother, for religious, although not those of your heritage, reasons. Something that really keeps me strong is that feeling of a new family unit with my fiancé – I found it hard to conceptualise the idea of a new family other than my family of origin until I met him, but now it’s the centre of my world. It’s as it should be, and it makes me so happy.
And the very best of luck to you both in med school – hang on in there; it’s worth it! 😉
Post # 14
@Hislittlebee: Part of the strenght comes from relating to people like yourself! Thanks for sharing!
Post # 15
There is nothing “honorable” in throwing away real love for arranged love. You are very strong to stand up for what you have and what you believe in. You are doing the right thing.
If they care more about religion/culture or what people may think about you marrying the man you love, too bad for them. You will be happy, that’s what matters.
Post # 16
@lia22: Thanks for the support. I need it on a day like this.
I recently called my mother to wish her a happy mother’s day. The conversation was awkward and very sad. She begged me to come back “home” to the Middle East for the summer. She told me that my brother and little sister missed me. It is true; I haven’t seen them in 5 years.
I’m afraid that my mother wants me home so that she can remind me of the culture and tradition I left behind. She doesn’t realize that I want to go home to people who accept me for who I am now. It is clear when we talk that they cannot accept me.
I feel like a horrible daughter because I am seriously considering not going home. I know I will be burning a bridge that I worry I cannot repair in the future.