Post # 1
The past few months have been very difficult when it comes to finacing my wedding My father’s business is in money mangement/stocks/bonds/etc… The markets downward spiral has affected him 100%. I got engaged within weeks of this and the wedding planning has been very difficult due to all of this. Some how we have managed to book all our vendors, and go almost everything done but there have been several hiccups along the way.
At first my fiance’s parents said nothing about contributing to the wedding, except for the rehearsal dinner. Just this weekend they wrote a check to my fiance for a couple thousand dollars to help with the wedding finances. At first, I said to myself it’s a little too late for this since I’ve paid for everything already. Second, why would they be giving this just to him, and not us… Then he asks me how I would like to use this money. I first said honeymoon, and then favors, and other little things that may pop up. But I just don’t know… I feel a bit annoyed that they are even giving us this money. They know that there have been so many problems with finances for the past several months, and I feel like this is a pity thing and not really about the wedding.
The real issue is my feelings towards my fiance’s family and to him. My fiance thinks that I’m holding it against him that his family has money and isn’t having financial problems like mine are… That they are shelling out all this money on a new car, house renovations, etc… and now they decide to help with the wedding. I would say a part of me is envious, wishing my parents weren’t having the problems they are, and I wouldn’t have to worry about money among other things. Life has become a major cluster f**k in the past few months, and I feel like nothing is really going my way. To make matters worse my fiance wants to have a prenup because of the lousy debt my dad has put in my name.
There’s so much more to add to this post, but this is the jist of it. For the past few weeks I’m been thinking of what a burden I’ve become…
Post # 3
I think you are reading too much into this. Maybe they are just being helpful, and if they have the money to spend (which it sounds like they do), they just want their son to be able to have a nice wedding also. It’s not uncommon for the groom’s family to contribute. My friend’s parents in law booted the bill for their son’s wedding completely.
I am sort of in the opposite situation of you. My FI is the one who comes from a family with more money problems than mine. They are more affected by the economy and cut backs in job than mine are (who are self empoyed and NOT in a big city like us). Try not to see yourself as a burden, though! Or take the prenup personally. It’s a relatively common thing when you’re mixing families of finances and/or debt is involved, but I"m sorry you’re in that situation to begin with. I highly doubt your FI and his family think of you and your family as a burden though!!! That’s a horrible thing to think–maybe you can have a talk with your FI about it and the money can be smoothed over a little. Maybe you can scale back the wedding a little and help pay off your debt (my mom married my dad with 5K in credit card debts 25 years ago, so don’t feel like you’re stuck with it forever! just keep chipping away) It sounds like you’re having a lousy couple of weeks that are culimating. Does your Fi’s family treat you weird or anything like that? I hope everything pans out
Post # 4
I can’t really tell what you are upset about. Are you angry they are helping with the wedding or are you angry they didn’t help sooner or are you angry they aren’t helping more?
If his parents were going by tradition, it’s the bride’s family that pays for the bulk of the wedding, with the groom’s family covering the RD and a few other things (transportation maybe?).
I think it’s nice of them to contribute, so I can’t understand why you’re mad at them for being generous. Why question their motives? Can’t they just want to help their son have a great wedding?
Also, I don’t think it’s weird that they gave the money to their son. What were they supposed to do- invite you both over and make a big show of giving you both the money?
My parents and my ILs gave us money for the wedding. My parents wrote a check to me, my ILs wrote a check to my husband. I didn’t realize that was cause for taking offense.
I think you need to chill out about this and just be grateful for the help.
As for feeling like a burden- if that’s the case, then scale back on the wedding. It doesn’t sound like you or your parents are a place that makes laying out lots of money a good idea.
As for the prenup- if your dad put debt in your name (which doesn’t sound like fiscally sound thing for a parent to do to a child) then I think your FI is right to have a prenup. Not just in the case of if you divorce (so he wouldn’t be saddled with your family’s debt) but also in the case that your father defaults on his debt and the loan holders come to collect (the prenup may help you both if it protects your FI’s $ from being taken to cover your/your father’s debt).
I think the biggest cause for concern is the debt your dad put in your name. When you marry, you become resonsible for each other’s financial well being. It sounds like your financial well being is already in jeopardy because your dad is in trouble and used your name for his debts. If I was your FI, I would be seriously worried about what would happen if your dad defaulted on those loans- it could ruin your credit, hurt your FIs credit, and make getting car loans and mortgages impossible.
Post # 5
My original post may have not made much sense… It was more of a venting then anything else. At this point, I think my insecurities are just getting in the way and I should just be happy because I am having the wedding I’ve already dreamt of but in a more cost efficient way. The bottom line is yes, the debt that my dad put in my name. This has put a strain in our relationship for many years now but it has tripled since I got engaged. I don’t want my finance to be affected at all because of my situation, but I do feel like it’s putting so much on the plate… which is why I feel like I’m a burden. He has great credit, and I know he’s watching out for himself, but I’m not sure how much he’s watching out for us. I know we will make it work somehow, but it’s just a lot of stress to start a marriage with.
Post # 6
If you feel like your fiance is only watching out for himself and not the both of you, then you guys should really talk about this. What more do you think he could be doing to reassure you of the fact that his actions will benefit the both of you and not just him? Do you want him to clarify what could or could not happen based on the stipulations of the prenup so you understand it better? If you’re not 100% convinced, talk it out until you are and consult a lawyer if needed.
On the other hand, I can understand your FI being worried, if he has worked really hard and spent many years building up his good credit, he wants to make sure that it stays intact. It’s not fair to him that your dad’s debt might adversely affect that.