Post # 1
I left my job and moved down South to be join my fiance in our new place after a few months of seperation. I’m so happy to finally be living with him again, but I’m looking for a job right now and all of this job hunting and not having any friends or family in the area is really leaving me depressed.
The problem is, my fiance is totally unsupportive of me getting involved in the community and finding friends, and I feel completely ridiculous telling him about any of my plans to get involved in the community, because he seems to think all of my ideas are stupid. If I mention volunteering, he tells me no one works for free and if I’m doing work I need to get paid. If I mention going to temple, he tells me I’m not even religious, and he definitely will never join me. If I mention meetup, he gets offended because he thinks I’m desperate for friends and wonders why he’s not enough for me. I should also mention, he’s not willing to join me to do any of these activities either, and doesn’t suggest anything that we can do that will get us involved in things going on in town.
Friendship and community are really important to me, but it seems my fiance and I have very different ideas on the topic, he literally tells me “once you get married you don’t have friends, that’s the way it is.” I don’t want to stop being my own person just because I’m married, having girlfriends to go out shopping with, vent with, etc. is really important to me – it makes me feel like a balanced person. I’ve tried telling him this, talking it out, listening to his prespective, but I’m still constantly getting these negative reactions. It’s just really hard to be alone here without any support from him in establishing a complete life here – to be honest, part of me is starting to feel like he just wants to ensure that my life revolves 100% around him. I love him and adore spending time with him, but that doesn’t mean he can be absolutely EVERYTHING to me – I need girlfriends! And my own hobbies! It’s just so frustrating to hear him talk about any efforts to establish these things with such disdain.
Has anyone else out there experienced this? Am I the one being close minded? If anyone can help me understand where he’s coming from and what I can do to help him understand where I’m coming from – your advice would be greatly appreciated!
Post # 3
Sounds like a control freak. Sorry that’s blunt but that’s what he sounds like.
Post # 4
You absolutely need your own friends & interests. I’m wondering how you’ve gotten so far along in this relationship without realizing you value different things? I think this is very important– it’s likely you will have different views on many things related to this- wanting your kids active in the community, teaching them about giving back.
To me, this is a huge red flag & I’m concerned thr you changed everything for this person & you guys have significantly different approaches to life.
Do what you need to do to make friends. Your FI should never be allowed to hold you back from anything. He should want you to be happy.
Post # 5
He is being controlling and unreasonable. Of course you need your own network, hobbies , and friends. Does he have friends in the area? Does he have any hobbies/activities he does?
Has he always been this controlling over how and who with you spend your time?
Honestly this type of controlling behaviour would be a major relationship red flag for me. I would be seriously thinking about whether he is the right person for you to marry.
I quit my job and moved to another country for my husband, but he has always encouaged me to pursue my hobbies and build my network and I have done the same for him. When you love and respect someone your want them to have a fulfilled and happy life including friends and activities.
Stoo asking him for permission and get out there and do what you want You are your own person and should enrich your life accordingly.
Post # 6
You need your own life and your own friends independent of him. It’s a bad sign if he can’t support you doing things to meet new people.
Post # 7
I agree with everyone else saying this is a huge red flag for an abusive/controlling relationship. Most partners won’t care who you spend time with, as long as you’re happy, and there’s no way they would shut you down so much when you’re trying to reach out to the community around you.
The idea that your life will 100% revolve around him after you’re married is a very outdated idea – does he expect you to be a ’50s housewife staying home all day and catering to his every whim?
Post # 8
A few years before meeting my fiancé, I was in a three-year relationship with someone I loved very much. In the beginning, it was natural and nice that we wanted to spend all of our time together. It was new and exciting and we were both falling in love for the first time! But over the life of the relationship, our lives became separated from everyone else’s. He was always reserved and preferred to spend time with just me. Before long, my social life dwindled to him and my family.
He didn’t understand that I needed different people in my life to fill different roles. I didn’t understand how unhealthy it was at the time that he was jealous of time I spent with girlfriends, and he thought that it was wrong and disrespectful of me to remain in contact with guys I knew from high school, guys I had been good friends with, perhaps had feelings for when I was young. He found it threatening that I could remain platonic friends / acquaintances with guys I had had high school-level crushes on, even if it was long in the past and we were only “friends” through email every once in a while. I stopped fighting him on it and just gave these people up.
Eventually, we realized that we couldn’t be EVERYTHING for each other. He was happy to bottle it all up, but I couldn’t. We started fighting about everything because we had no outlets outside of each other. We started resenting each other until finally we just broke.
You are not being closed minded. You understand what you need in your life and he is denying you that fulfillment. It’s not guaranteed, but I would bet that some strong resentment will start building soon and it’s going to be really hard to come back from that. You need to establish yourself as your own person before he convinces you that it’s wrong. I’m not saying to leave him! This is a good opportunity for you to get to know yourself and each other and the strengths and limitations of your relationship. If he says he won’t go with you anywhere, then go by yourself. He has no right to dictate the terms of YOUR life. Your life together is a partnership and his refusal to let you do anything is just not acceptable and is only going to lead to major problems.
Post # 9
I’m sorry this sounds awful. I don’t know what to make of your Fi, perhaps because you guys haven’t lived together he wants you all to himself. But if he continues I would be upset if i were you.
I think you should do what pleases you, volunteer and go to meetup. You need a support system and friends.
Post # 11
Thanks so much for your input. I should have perhaps prefaced this by letting you know that this isn’t really typical behavior from him, he’s a very open minded guy and has known from our first date that I’m an ambitious woman, a dedicated feminist, and don’t like taking sh** from anyone. He’s supported me through in my high-risk, surrounded-by-men-24/7 career, stayed by my side through thick & thin, but right now he’s being ridiculous and it’s just SO FRUSTRATING.
Hearing your views has helped a lot though by confirming I am not, in fact, crazy, and his reaction is BS. It’s not that he’s preventing me from getting involved, it’s just that he’s mocking me for doing so, and it’s likely rooted in his own insecurities & first marriage.
I don’t think me sitting back and taking it is helping – I have a feeling once I get out there and do it anyway, and he sees that having friends and a life outside of our cozy little lovenest is really good for our relationship. Actually, it might encourage him to do the same and realize, he’s going to be married – not stuck in, like, solitary confinement with me for the rest of his life – he can still have friends too! He’s actually a pretty social guy — I think a lot of his feelings on the topic come from his previous marriage, where he didn’t see ANY friends, so I really think it’s just up to me right now to brush his reservations off and meet new people, and just drag him even if he complains about it.
Also, I invited him to join me for a group run tonight and he actually said he’ll come if he finishes work on time. YES! Small victories!! Thanks again for listening, your advice has been helpful and just writing it out has helped me 🙂
Post # 12
I had an ex like this. I experienced the same issue when I moved to the South with him. He was very unsupportive and basically said the same things to me. None of my ideas were good, I was just supposed to be ok cooking him dinner and waiting patiently for him to come home. I went nuts (and cleaned the house 4 times a day). You should just ignore him and do the things you want to make friends. The ways you have planned on meeting people are great; don’t let him put you down for them.
Don’t make him let you feel guilty for wanting friends; it’s perfectly healthy to need someone outside of your relationship to talk to. It doesn’t mean he’s “not enough for you” it means that you are indepentant enough to realize you can’t invest your entire existence in one person. It is his own insecurity that makes him want to keep you at home by yourself. Make him feel loved, but don’t cater to his fears, they’ll only get worse, believe me, I know.
Post # 13
@Wormalita: Just saw your reply, glad to hear it’s getting better
Post # 14
@Wormalita: I was just going to suggest that you just start doing it and let him see how much happier you are. He may be worried that you’ll get too involved, so make sure you plan enough alone time with him .
Post # 15
First of all, you don’t need his permission to volunteer or go to temple or do anything. Just go do it, who cares if he doesn’t approve>
Second of all, he sounds like a big control freak. It’s actually ABNORMAL (not normal) to NOT have friends after you get married. Sure, once you have children you get busy and may not see your friends as much or in the same ways you used to but you don’t stop having them just because you sign a piece of paper.
This is a huge red flag in my opinion and I’d honestly reconsider marrying him. It doesn’t sound like a happy, healthy life is underway for you.
Post # 16
Wow,, no no no… This isn’t sitting right with me. At all. I hope he sees that being part of something makes you happy, and he should always want for your happiness, whether he’s a part of it or not.
I moved to my current state almost a year ago to be with SO (we briefly discussed him moving to my home state but the job market is so much better here, considering) and have not had much luck in the friend department thus far, but he is ALWAYS encouraging me to talk to my girls back home, go out with a co-worker if invited, etc. He knew I was fairly social and he feels terrible that I lost that a bit when I came here to be with him. We are quite content to be in our own little world most of the time, but we do enjoy being social and we do respect that the other needs it and will give them the opportunity to do so when they want.
I hope it gets better for you. He seriously sounds like he’s insecure and a control freak. 🙁