Post # 1
Hey there bees,
As many of you all know, I’m a younger bee, as I am still in college. I am thinking of getting a pre-nup for this reason. Do any of you ladies have experience with this? What do you recommend including in such an agreement? What advice would you part to someone? Also, how does the process occur? I’m meeting with my lawyer in two days.
Post # 3
How can you go into marriage, thinking that there is some chance (no matter how small) that you will get divorced?
Do you have doubts about your relationship? What is the problem? There should be no reason to get a pre-nup if you are truly in love. Marriage takes work.
Post # 4
I completely understand that marriage takes work, so please don’t go there. Our relationship is beautiful but has been no easy journey. That’s not the idea. This is for protection because in the reality of the world; people do get divorced. Of course I love Mr. Moose, and I will be there for him regardless. However, he does not have the same financial history as me, and his parents are greedy.
So no, I have no doubts about our relationship or my ability to work through it. It’s not unreasonable, however, to think of protecting yourself in this day and age where people are married for ages and then have issues or find out about infidelity. There are cases where it works to push through it and there are instances where it doesn’t.
Post # 5
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
@Miss Moose: the rules for prenups vary by state, but generally you would both need to be represented by separate attorneys to ensure that your agreement would be upheld in case of a divorce. The standard is generally “fair and full disclosure.”
My advice is to do some research and see whether or not this would actually be necessary (or even helpful) in your case. Default rules differ depending on what state you live/marry in, and you might find the default rules to actually be satisfactory (in which case you can save yourself the expense of a prenup!). In other words, not all couples need or can even benefit from drawing one up; it’s best to know whether you are in one of those couples or not. 🙂
Post # 6
A pre-nup is a sensible idea that could save you a lot of heartache down the line.
Accusing someone of not being in love because they are considering a pre-nup is out of line. As Miss Moose says, people get divorced and it makes sense to prepare for any and all possibilities. Especially when family history comes in to play, it important to be prudent.
My FI is in law school and was telling me about all the cases he read about custody battles and the like that would have never been an issue if a pre-nup was signed before the wedding.
I wish I could give you more advice, but it’s great that you’re seeking your own legal counsel. Best of luck with all the planning!
Post # 7
I think your lawyer should be able to answer most of your questions. Good luck with it. I happen to think a pre-nup is like insurance – no one “wants” to be in a car accident or “expects” their house to burn down, but sh*t happens whether you’re the best driver in the world or not. It’s worth protecting yourself, even if you assume and hope you never have to use it 🙂
Post # 8
@Miss Moose…I am not a lawyer but I wasn’t aware that you could do a pre-nup on potential earnings. They are mainly to protect assets going into a marriage. But I guess you could include anything you would like…although I don’t know how legally binding it would be. I would suggest that prior to the meeting, outline all of your debts, any assets you have, etc. Since both you and your FI have to agree to a pre-nup, he should go ahead and do the same. Withholding information could invalidate it later on. My advice would be to talk it over with your FI, explain your reasons for wanting one, and see if he is on board.
@Petunia….IMO, if you are in a committed relationship, there is no reason NOT to consider the worst case scenario. As a matter of fact, I feel it’s better to discuss it while things are good rather than if things get bad. I don’t have doubts about my relationship but I also know that my FI an I both have kids (him 2, me 1) that we wanted to make sure were taken care of, no matter what happens wth us. Each couple has different reasons for discussing pre-nups. It doesn’t mean the relationship is any less solid than yours.
Post # 9
Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you. I just find the issue of pre-nups very contradictory and I don’t really understand it. Well, I would never do it myself. But if you feel that it is necessary then of course I can’t stop you. Just voicing my opinion.
Post # 10
I get the idea that a prenup somehow “jinxes” a relationship or makes it seem like two people are setting up their marriage as if it’s going to fail. I agree that it’s not the most romantic thing.
However, life happens, and who’s to say it couldn’t happen to anybody. Personally I think it would be better to work out a fair agreement in the even of a divorce before you get married when you love eachother, and have eachother’s best interests in mind, and just hope it becomes a silly document that sits in your safety deposit box for 50 years, as compared to the nitty gritty of some of the nastier divorces I’ve seen.
That said, neither of us had any major assets or debt coming into the relationship, or owned businesses, or had unbalanced earning potential, or any children from previous relationships, nor are we expecting any major inheiritances anytime in the future… so we decided to forgo a prenup.
I don’t know where you live, or the particular process of getting a prenup, but the only advice I’ve consistently seen is that each party should have their own lawyer.
So… not the most helpful, but I felt the need to point out another perspective to the person who kind of jumped down your throat about considering getting one.
Post # 11
Okay so. Since you’re just out of college… in theory, you don’t have anything to protect. Strictly in theory, cause I know personally trust funds/ potential inheritance get in the way of that. But those things notwithstanding, you’re going into marriage scott free and clear! What an awesome, amazing feeling! NOthing to hold back, nothing to have to protect (other than your heart).
Post # 12
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
@KMSull: inheritance is separate property that your spouse can’t touch in a divorce (in most states, and with some restrictions… like, if you use it to make a mortgage payment on the house you own together, you can’t protect that money anymore). Same with most trusts, you usually don’t need a prenup to protect that as long as you’re smart with how you use the money. But a prenup might still make sense for people without assets if they want to protect future earnings. Say Miss Moose wanted to start a business and wanted to make sure that in the event of a divorce she kept more than half of the rights to it, since she is supplying all of the labor–she could prenegotiate that.
Post # 13
my boyfriend has already told me (we aren’t even engaged yet!) that he would want a pre-nup. I have no problem with it. He was previously married, she cheated on him, he kicked her out of the house. Through the divorce hearings she took EVERYTHING, all he was left with was the house (with literally nothing in it, not even a bed… couch, food, washer and dryer… even christmas decorations, NOTHING!) and thankfully he got most of the savings account.
But, that said, no matter how much him and I are in love, he doesn’t want to get screwed like that again, he might not end up with the house and money if it happened again. Did he plan on it not working out with her? No! They dated for 4 years, were married for 3… definately didn’t rush into anything, sh*t happens. You can only protect yourself, you will hopefully never have to use the pre-nup, but like someone else said, it’s like life insurance, you don’t WANT anything bad to happen, but you want to be covered! 🙂
Post # 14
@Petunia – not planning for the worst case scenario actually makes it MORE LIKELY to happen! Keeping your eyes open, being very realistic and smart about your choices, and doing everything you can to truly know your partner and have the strongest, most open relationship possible is the only way to avoid divorce. It’s pretty rude to jump to the conclusion that because someone is contemplating a pre-nup their relationship might be in trouble. Of course marraige takes work, but just working hard at it doesn’t prevent bad things from happening.
FI and I have decided to get a prenup. We both know that we are not with each other for the money (teacher and social worker) but his family has had a string of relationships gone bad, and it’s more of a reassurance to his family than because we think we’ll end up divorced. I have NO reason not to agree to sign one, because I know in my heart we’ll never need it.
FI talked to his parents about their concerns and advice, and and were told to go in with a list of all our savings and debts. We’re doing this in the next month or two.
Post # 15
Petunia, people might get a prenup because while they believe in love they don’t believe in unicorns. IMO it’s pure fantasy to think that there is absolutely no chance of divorce and it is irresponsible not to make sure that both you and your partner will be treated fairly if it occurs.
Haven’t you seen posts from women who’ve broken up with long term bfs or divorces going on about how bad these men were and treated them even though they were gushing about them being soulmates and not being able to live without him only six months before? And then these same people find their next soulmate and jump into a marriage without a prenup convinced that this time they know for sure and oh he treats me so well and is so much better than those ten losers I dated before. I don’t get it. You can’t read someene’s mind, you can never be 100% sure and even if you could read their mind people change.
Further, a legal marraige is a legal contract! If you’re going to sign a legal contract why wouldn’t you investigate what it says and means and discuss it with your partner and make sure it is tailored to you.
Are you afraid to think too much about it?
I feel strongly about a prenup partially because I suspect my FH will stay home with the kids and I love him so I don’t want his financial future crippeled by his assumption that we’ll stay together if we end up divorcing. I want to protect him. So I’m going to make sure money is never a reason he stays with me and I’m willing to make sure we take the risks equally when we make a joint decision that one of us shouldn’t work full time, etc.
Post # 16
Prenups are a very delicate decision and can only be made by two individuals within a relationship – for some, they are 100% right and for others 100% wrong. I don’t think that this makes either of those relationships stronger or weaker; people just have different perspectives. I hope here on WB we can agree to respect each others’ choices, even when they’re different from our own.