Post # 1
My brother got married about 2 years ago. Before his wedding my sister-in-law and I got along well. We don’t leave near each other but when we had family get togethers we enjoyed each other’s company. I was very excited when they got married and was very supportive. She asked me to be a bridesmaid and I was thrilled. However, although the wedding weekend was amazing, it ended up being not so fun to be her bridesmaid because of how inflexible and rigid she was. I went along with it though b/c it was her wedding (and my brothers!). Soon after the wedding I started getting the feeling that she didn’t like me, though could never figure out a reason why. We NEVER talk and when we’re together it just feels forced. I can’t talk to my brother about it because he will just be defensive and won’t be able to hear what I’m saying. I’m annoyed, yes, but mostly just sad. I hade always looked forward to having a “aister” someday and now this is how it is turning out. I have tried to reach out to her but when she gets back to me (a week or two later) it again feels forced.
Now it is my time to plan a wedding, and my Mom says that I absolutely HAVE to ask my sister-in-law to be a bridesmaid.
I don’t think that I have a way out of this without causing some serious family conflict… However, I guess what I want to know is: How do I swallow my anger and sadness and sacrifice what I want on my wedding day? She is going to stand up there with me, on the day when I marry my husband, and probably have little feeling about it. That makes me sad and I just don’t know how to get ov er that.
Post # 3
technically, you do not have to ask her, but i think this rule really depends on the family. i asked my fiance’s sister to be a bridesmaid to me (although she’s 11 years older and we arn’t very close). i figure that i would like to be close in the future so that was how i based my opinion. if it would really make you unhappy to ask her, then maybe you could have her do a reading? or you could still get her a corsage as a guest of honor?
Post # 4
You say that you got along with her fine before the wedding but not so well afterwards? Is there ny possibility that maybe you were a bit of a “difficult bridesmaid”? I have 3 older brothers and I was in all of their weddings as a BM. When I look back on it, I was a really crappy BM, I didn’t know any better!
My relationships with my SILs have been mostly good but there have been a few bumps in the road. I asked them all to be my BMs (and I asked my FSIL). I don’t regret asking them but I was a little bummed that they weren’t very involved.
As for FSIL, I’m glad I asked her to be a BM. She just got engaged and although I’d be thrilled to be a BM for her, I wouldn’t be upset if I wasn’t.
Post # 5
If you were friends before and want to be again, it may be worth it to clear the air, and let her know you’re getting this vibe from her and is there anything you’ve done wrong? Because if so, you’d like to rectify the situation. Then see if she’d be willing to talk to you over the phone (if you can’t meet in person) to talk. don’t leave it up to email since so much gets lost in communication that way.
If she opts not to reconcile at this time, I’m a big believer in having people stand up for you that are positive and supportive of your union. If you don’t think she can give you that, don’t ask her and don’t feel bad about not asking her. If she’s not feeling it, she probably wouldn’t have a good time, either.
Post # 6
Maybe you could sit down and talk to her or call her up sometime and be honest. Say something like, I really appreciate our friendship and love being able to call you my sister, but something changed since the wedding. Is it something I did?
Perhaps you could say, “I really would love to have you stand by me on the big day, but I’d hate for it to be a superficial bond.” Maybe that will spark a good response from her. (:
Post # 7
You all bring up good points. DaisyBride, as much as I think I was a good bridesmaid, maybe she had (has) other ideas. She was very firm that we all wear the same dress (which of course many brides are), but I was terribly uncomfortable in my dress. I didn’t utter a word to her about it, but after spending a ton of $ to alter it, I finally decided to have straps put inside it. So AFTER the pictures, the ceremony, AND the cocktail hour, while everyone was drinking and dancing and cutting the cake, I put the straps on. I have a very big bust and even with the straps (on a strapless dress) I felt very awkward. Perhaps it was that. And if so, do I really want to try and make amends with her? That seems pretty petty to me. (Especially after my parents paid for the WHOLE wedding, which was everything she had ever dreamed of).
I think perhaps I should speak with her before I ask her to be part of the day. I would hate to have her standing up there on a superficial basis, that’s just not me. Thanks for your advice everyone!
Post # 8
Well could you try to take her to lunch and have a big heart to heart? Maybe you can say something like, “gee now that I’m beginning to plan my wedding, I see how hard it is to do. Sorry if I didn’t give you a hand as much as I should have, or didn’t make for a great BM.” Maybe that will spark something. If nothing else, you can talk weddings with her.. Perhaps you can get to the bottom of the issue.
For the record, it doesn’t sound like you were being difficult if you waited until after pictures, etc. to add your straps.
Post # 9
Thanks for saying that Tanya– After I wrote that post I thought to myself, “Was I totally out of line for doing that?” Even so, I have still tried to reach out to her a few times and she never reciprocates. I wish that if that WAS the reason she would either a) tell me, or b) let it go.
In the meantime I guess sititng down with her and talking to her is a good idea… Especially taking your advice to say, “Now that I’m planning I see how difficult it is…” Might be a good way to open up the door.