Post # 1
So.. It’s kind of hard for me to write this because I really haven’t told anyone yet (other than my FI and sister), but I’m pregnant. I am almost tearing up just writing it. It’s not a bad thing.. just a scary thing… something I wasn’t planning for and really wasn’t ready for. I’m taking the Basic Skills Test Saturday to enroll in a program for my Master’s in Teaching, I’m supposed to be writing my thesis to finish my master’s degree in biology, I’m supposed to be getting married in June of 2010…
I haven’t got my official due date and I honestly cannot recollect when my last period was but I guess my due date will be sometime around the middle of December. Which means I will have a baby right in the middle of my MA program and 6 moz before my wedding (when I should be really getting serious about my wedding workout).
The MA program is an abbreviated program, which starts in July and ends Next May so I would be due a few weeks before my student teaching starts. I really don’t want to wait but is that possible? Can I have a baby and then walk out the door 2 weeks later to start working… I don’t think I will be able to.
And should I push up my wedding date to this summer? This means I will be more than likely showing at my wedding. And honestly I don’t think we will be able to get the money together in time. We’ve toyed with the court house wedding but I just don’t want that. I want the real deal.. the dress.. the flowers.. understated, but not THAT understated. But the alternative is to not be married when I have the baby. This isn’t the hugest deal in the world but it seems stupid since we think of ourselves as a married couple essentially.
I know that no one can make these decisions for me but I really just don’t know what to do. i tried to talk to FI about it today and he freaked! He is sooo excited about us becoming a family that it really made him super upset to hear me be negative about it. He has a daughter from an "accident" and it was such a negative start to his relationship with his daughter he is terrified that our situation be even vaguely negative. He says he wants me to have what I want even though he really wanted to never have another baby until he was married after the last situation.
My sister is supportive and says she will help me figure it out but I dont know what I want….
I hope this all makes sense. And I know there really isn’t a question here. I just dont’ know what to do.
Post # 3
(((Hugs))), that is a lot to think about. And Congratulations!!! It sounds like you are already asking yourself the right questions. This is such a personal thing that I don’t think there is really a right answer for what you should do, so I won’t offer any "advice" per se. A new life is such a joy and excitement, and you’re right, s/he will change everything and it makes sense to consider how that will pan out now, far in advance. So I encourage you to 1) just let the emotion soak in and 2) not feel guilty if you have mixed emotions…it doesn’t mean you’re not excited also, just that you know the reality also means a huge life change. You will figure out the rest, and it’s okay to take some time before you do so.
Post # 4
- Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall
Oh wow, so much going on in your life right now! First of all CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!
My friend had a baby in the middle of a semester of her PhD program, and she was back in class 2 weeks later. But it was her 3rd baby, and our classes are at night so her husband is able to help at home. I guess my point is that anything is possible, but it’s up to you how much stress you want to put on yourself.
If it was me in your situation, I would probably keep my wedding in 2010. I personally wouldn’t mind being unmarried when I became a mom – but that’s up to you. It’ll be less stress for you and your family if you wait, as you’re talking about going to school and also needing to save more money for your budget. Yes, you’ll have a baby at your wedding, but that could really add to the joy.
Post # 5
Oh, rcn, I’m sorry this is not working out how you planned. I totally understand why you would be totally freaked out/apprehensive/upset/excited/etc… all at the same time. It seems like a bad time in your life for a baby, what with starting your other grad school program, student teaching, not getting married until next year, etc.. I just wanted to write to show you some support and sympathy and give you big hive HUGS! It’s going to be ok, even though it might seem completely crazy right now.
It seems like, from your post, you have already accepted that you are going to keep the baby, and deal with everything else as it comes. And you are definitely strong enough to deal with this! Just take it one step at a time. It’s ok not to know what you want and have all of your plans completely redone at this moment. This is life-changing event; you’re bound to be shook up for a little while. Once you get over the shock, though, hopefully you’ll be able to get a little more excited. Everything else (careers, marriage, school, etc…) you get years in advance to prepare for. This was just kind of a surprise!
Finally, congrats! Even though it might seem overwhelming right now, eventually you’ll feel good about this baby, "accident" or not!
Post # 6
This is totally huge news, and I understand how you can feel very overwhelmed. You are very normal for having mixed and overwhelmed feelings.
Re: the wedding, maybe you can look into having a small ceremony this summer and still having your regular wedding next summer as planned? There’s lots of information about this on the boards.
Re: grad school & timing, I would talk with one of the admissions counselors at the university. Could you defer a year with the student teaching? I am sure there are lots of people who have to take alternative courses with the MA program and take a little longer at it.
Don’t lose hope. Take deep breaths and you’re going to be fine.
Post # 7
Congrats first of all! You definitely have a full plate but it sounds like you have your head on straight and are just processing right now, which is completely to be expected!
The previous posters are correct in that you’ll have to figure out what will personally work best for you, not matter what it takes!
Why don’t you do a courthouse wedding now, since you want to be married before you have your baby and then for your 1 year anniversary, do a vow renewal and reception?
You’ll figure it out and both occassions will be great!
Post # 8
Just a little bit of practical advice: see if there is a daycare co-op on your campus. A lot of schools have co-ops for infants.
Sometimes taking practical, tiny steps can feel empowering.
Post # 9
Thank you so much for the support everyone! I really need it. I don’t really want to tell everyone I’m pregnant yet so I’m feeling kind of alone on this one.
I’ve def considered the court house wedding followed by the big ceremony later but I just don’t think I’d follow through. I’m not dissing on anyone who has done the same I just don’t feel like it would mean as much to me if I did it twice. I was planning a smaller budget wedding anyway. I am ok with the idea of being an unwed mother.. it’s really not a big deal to me. I just thought it would be sweet to be married and I know it’s what my FI would prefer. None-the-less, I really really don’t want my wedding to come off as a shotgun wedding so my sister’s suggestion this morning to plan it for this June really put me off a little.
As for the grad program.. I’ve considered talking to the admissions councelor but I’m afraid it will hurt my chances of getting in. It’s a new program and very different than most. 3 abbreviated semesters 12/12/12. The first semester is only 1 moz long. The second is a seminar once a week and 3 days of student teaching. The third semester is student teaching 5 days a week. So I’d probably be gone more after the baby was born then before. Oy!
I have a feeling that once I have the baby it’s going to be super super hard for me to leave her/him. And I will have to find someone to watch my newborn baby. That seems really really crazy! Plus, barring any problems I will be breast feeding. I know I can pump and freeze but…
Anyway.. thank you guys so much for being there for me!
Post # 10
I’d suggest taking it one step at a time. Definitely apply (if you haven’t already), and *wait* until you get accepted to talk to anyone. I haven’t been enrolled in an Ed School, but I would guess most grad schools are pretty similar. Once they’ve decided to accept you, it’s b/c they think you’d be a good addition to the class. Most schools will work with you on how to make it all work. And I’m sure you’re not the only person who’s ever had a major life change in the middle of the program. It seems like deferring your student teaching (which from what my friends say is pretty stressful) would be a reasonable option. And probably quite doable I would guess. I’m not entirely sure how old the baby will be when that semester starts, but I think the main thing is most of the plans you lay before having a kid get thrown out the window anyway. But if you are committed to the teaching, then it will happen in its own time.
Post # 11
Congratulations! Being a mom is the best job I’ve ever had..my son is so wonderful and is the reason I smile every day…I love him so much!
Your child will fill both of your hearts with love and I think it’s fine to finish school. Who said you have to go to work immediatley? Why not bond a few months with her or work part time after giving birth?
A wedding can be at any time. Miss MaryJane is having a fantastic courthouse wedding and I fell in love with her oh so Jackie O type of suit she’s wearing!
Or maybe a destination wedding? It could be just the two (ok three..smiles) of you, or your family and friends! Or it could be the traditional wedding after the bundle of joy enters your lives.
I say don’t worry. Just love each other and DO BE HAPPY for this is a wonderful thing that’s happened!
Sometimes life throws us curve balls. Just recoup. Relax. Talk to each other. And the answer will come in time and communication together.
Again, much love and congratulations to you both!
Post # 12
Congratulations! I know this is huge news, and not how you planned things… but the life care stuff can be sorted out.
A couple of my med school friends had a whoops right in the middle of medical school. Programs will give you time off to have the child, and will probably allow you to delay your teaching experience. There is always a work around with school, because they are federally mandated to accomodate women for pregnancy. Don’t tell them while you are interviewing… wait until you are accepted, and definitely don’t feel like you owe them any apologies!
As for the wedding, you already know that only you can decide this piece. My sister opted to move up the wedding and got married 5 months pregnant. A friend of mine opted to wait until 9 months after the baby. Then they threw a smaller, but totally amazing backyard wedding. Her beautiful daughter was such an integral part of the wedding that I can’t imagine her not being there.
I hope the support helps. Know that you always have a place to vent and we’re all happy for you and your fiance!
Post # 13
Look at it like a blessing in disguise! Life does not always pan out the way we want to, but when we look back, we usually realize it was perfect just the way it is.
Look at it this way, at least you are having a baby with a man you LOVE! And there is nothing more wonderful than that in my book. Not just *some boyfriend*. He’s your FI! He’s already asked you to marry him not just b/c you are pregnant but because he loves you!
I think whatever you decide to go with will work out fine. In a week it will all seem a little easier and you will have a beautiful wedding, whether you are gloriously pregnant or after you have your baby!
I wish I had some advice for you, just take a deep breath! Congrats on your wonderful little miracle!
Post # 14
Congratulations! I know this can be a lot to take in, much less without your schooling in the picture. I agree with the advice to take things one step at a time.
I can certainly understand not wanting the appearance of a shotgun wedding, but I am a big believer in changing the plans when life throws curveballs. It’s not like you weren’t already planning a wedding. So if your FI wants to move up the wedding, you at least should consider it and do what you can both agree on after you discuss why each possibility is important to you.
The only other thing that I consider , not to add to your stress — and this is due to my line of work in health insurance — is that a carrying and deliverying baby is very expensive, and if you aren’t already on a good health plan a marriage would let you change your elections with your current coverage or else be added to your finace’s coverage. Just something to consider and you’ll need to examine your individual case.
Post # 15
I seen it possible, as we all say anything is possible in this world as long as you believe it can be. I think any cases varies among people as people deal with things differently. You definitely have a lot going on, but it can work out.
My friend did her MBA with me, first semester, she was still going through the pregnancy, then like a day or two before school started, she gave birth to a beautiful girl. She took two weeks off, and had to jump right into everything with us and recover and take on the role of being a brand new mom. The more amazing twist to this story is that she doesnt drive, so she was taking the public transit for almost about 2 hrs each trip to class and going home with another 2 hr transit ride late at night, as most MBA classes were held at night. Then theres the hw, the projects, and taking care of the newborn, and everything. But she was lucky that she had her aunt there helping her out, if not it probably wouldn’t of been possible with a husband that was busy working too.
I think it is definitely an important factor to see what kind of helping hands you would have after having the baby and trying to do everything else you have on your plate.
Post # 16
I agree with a poster above to not talk to anyone at the school before you get accepted. Who knows someone might decide they have the right to decide for you whether grad school and a baby is too much. Are there night school options? Do you have family nearby that you trust to watch your baby while you are at school? Definitetly, check into day care at your school. My university had a really good preschool/day care program that actually has a 2 year wait but current students get priority. And it’s WAY cheaper than any other day care outside of the school so I would check on that ASAP to get your name on the waiting list. If you decide not to go that route you can always decline if and when a spot opens up.
And I do agree that it will be very hard but I think anything is possible! You can definitely go to grad school and raise a kid at the same time.
Personally, I have always kept in the back of my mind what if I got pregnant before the wedding. I’m kinda in the same mindframe as you that I really don’t care if I’m a unwed mother. I would have the baby then have the full bang wedding. 🙂 Besides, he or she will be a super adorable ring bearer or flower girl!
Best of luck to you & FI and congrats again!!!