Post # 1
We’ve been through a lot in our short marriage and we’ve also already been through counseling. Everything has been going smoothly the past few months or so and before tonight we didn’t run into any problems that I didn’t feel like we couldn’t get through.
We had a discussion tonight about moving home. We moved to OH from WI about a year and a half ago because my DH got a job in OH. I moved under the assumption that we would be moving back to WI in under five years and that we would definitely move back before having kids. (ETA: we discussed and and both agreed that we would move back).
That all blew up tonight. DH informed me that he has no intentions of moving back and wants to stay here. I’m heartbroken because I can’t see myself ever being completely happy here. He got angry when I told him this and said that I’m not trying very hard to be happy.
I can’t stand the thought of never living near my parents and brother again. We are a very close family and I miss them quite a bit. I just never imagined that we would never move back and now I just feel like an emotional wreck. I don’t even know where to go from here. I don’t know how to even begin to compromise.
ETA: FWIW, I can see why he wants to stay. We both have good jobs and my job offers the opportunity for me to go back to school. I just miss my family and always pictured myself living within an hour of them as an adult.
Post # 3
Was this not discussed before you moved?
Post # 4
@MrsBeck: I don’t know if this question is allowed but what is in WI for your DH? I mean is there an equal job opportunity there? Does he have friends there? A support group? Where does his family live?
Post # 5
- Wedding: September 2015 - Ketchum, ID
@MrsBeck: I’m sorry about this. 🙁 sometimes being an adult means you have to make decisions that you don’t necessarily like, but that are right at the time (what can get you a job, a degree, a financially stable future, etc.). life tends to take you on journies you never thought you’d go on. who knows? maybe one day you’ll have better opportunities back home, and you’ll end up back there.
Post # 6
Does he want to stay in OH for anything but your jobs?
Post # 7
- Wedding: February 2017 - Seattle, WA
@MrsBeck: I’m sorry but i’ve read some of your previous posts, and i just don’t know how you deal with this guy. Are you truly happy being married to him? This would be a dealbreaker for me. It’s almost like he’s trying to keep you in OH against your will. I would think long and hard about staying in this marriage, and the possibility of having children with this man who has a history of bullying you and not compromsing. (at least from what I remember reading). Don’t forget that you deserve to be happy! You should not be living for someone else. Good luck in whatever you decide!!!
Post # 8
@ash064: it was. We agreed we would move back.
Post # 9
You say you moved under the assumption that you would be going back to Wisconsin. Was it merely an assumption on your part or did you guys actually discuss it before the move?
ETA: Saw your update. Yeah, I would be really upset about that. I think its really unfair to make a plan together and then one party decides to switch it up. Do you work in fields where it would be difficult to find jobs in Wisconsin that are equivalent to what you’re doing now? What does he love so much about Ohio?
I know you said your job would afford you the opportunity to go back to school, but is that really important to you or would you rather move and forgo that/pay for it yourselves?
Post # 10
@MrsBeck: Did you have an “understanding”? Or, an agreement that you would move back in less than 5 years?
Honestly, even if you did have an agreement, things change. He expressed his feelings about the situation. It’s better for both of your jobs and for your further education.
A compromise could be that you get to travel home more often to visit, or the two of you assist your family to come visit you more often. I don’t know where you live, but Ohio and Wisconsin aren’t even that far apart.
Many adults these days, have to move away for their careers.
Post # 11
@Treejewel19: We are both from the area so he has family and friends there. We haven’t actually looked at jobs there but he food receive offers from companies in WI before he decided to take the job in OH.
@mrspinesol: some times I really hate being an adult :/ I honestly wouldn’t mind being here longer but I really want to be there for my parents when they get older. I guess like you said, that could still happen. I just always pictures raising my kids around our parents.
@worldtraveler: he likes his job so I totally get that. He also really like the friends that he has made here. I understand those reasons and I want him to be happy but I’m having a hard time changing my train of thought to moving back in a few years to potentially never moving back.
@Kings7911: I have truly been happy with him the past couple of months. Our relationship took a 180 when we started counseling. The thing is, I understand where he is coming from and I know people change their mind. I’m not really angry with him for changing his mind but I’m scared because o have no idea how to compromise with something like this.
Post # 12
@MrsBeck: I think marriage takes a lot of work, but there are some things that could be deal-breakers. Things like kids and family.
This is your life. It’s short. And your parents arent getting younger. If you feel it important to be near your family then it’s something that is very difficult to give up for a marriage. Maybe that’s not the case for everyone who don’t come from close-knit families, but it is in my case.
I too have moved away. We are on year 4. But this summer we are moving HOME and I’m so happy!! Life is more than a career sometimes.
Post # 13
Where are you in Ohio, if you don’t mind my asking? I know how hard it is to form a network in a new place, but if you’re anywhere near the central part of the state, try the Columbus subreddit on Reddit.com. They often post interesting things going on and opportunities for meet-ups. There are other subreddits for Cleveland and Cinci as well. Most of the people on reddit are in their 20s and early 30s, and the people who post in the local subs are usually very friendly.
Post # 14
- Wedding: February 2017 - Seattle, WA
@MrsBeck: That is good to hear, I’m really happy that counseling has been helping!! Is this an issue you can bring up at your next session? It might help to get some outside perspective. I feel like this choice isn’t his to make on his own, and the two of you need to talk it out. At least that way if you do end up staying, you’ll get a chance to weigh in on the matter. Good luck OP!! Keep us posted!
Post # 15
@adoc86: there are plenty of jobs in both of our fields in WI. He told me it’s mainly his job keeping here. He also said he really likes his friends. Both are good reasons so I do understand where he is coming from.
The schooling isn’t that important to me. It would obviously be a benefit but I’m not even 100% that I want to go back or what I want to go back for.
@julies1949: we had an agreement. I understand people change their minds and I also know people have to move for their careers. We are both in careers that have plenty of jobs available in WI.
We did talk about visiting more often but it’s not the same. I know that OH and WI aren’t exactly across the country but I can’t exactly pop over to my parent’s house for the weekend though. I would be spending more time driving than in WI
Post # 16
Life isn’t always about work.
You had an agreement. I know sometimes thing change, but that’s also too bad for him that he’s ended up liking it more than he thought when he moved – he can’t be mad at you now for not being happy enough especially when you had no incentive to really start trying to love the place since you always thought you’d move back in under 5 years anyway.
There’s no compromise here. You either stay and suck it up or move back and he has to suck it up. One person is going to be unhappy. The only thing there is to compromise is something else ouside of this decision. Maybe a compromise is if you stay, you get to fly in your parents or you get to fly home once a month?