Post # 1
So, since the first month we were engaged (back in April ’09), I decided that I wasn’t going to ask anyone I know for their opinion on ANYTHING. And I’ve done just that. I pick everything out on my own, I don’t show anyone things that I am incorporating…nothing, nada, zilch! Although it may sound lonely, it’s been the BEST plan of action I’ve had yet. I really believe that it’s made planning easy, fun, and completely stress free.
But, the wedding is fast approaching, and I caved. I sent an email to three of the BMs with photos of the veils I’m considering. (Granted, they haven’t seen my dress…which makes it difficult) But, I asked for their opinions and none of them bothered to comment. I know they got the email because they’ve responded to it (I also asked “what are your plans for the long weekend?” and heard from each of them like normal….
I’ve never been vocal to them about the fact that I wasn’t going to seek their advice on anything for this wedding (so can they be insulted?)….they just never asked details, so I didn’t bring any up, and the combination of that just resulted in me planning alone. Maybe it’s selfish of me to plan this whole thing by myself and then expect them to jump at the first and only question I ask of them.
**on a side note, what really pushed me over the edge of not asking their advice on anything was when I picked out the perfect Bridesmaid or Best Man dress color ((olive green)) and they tried it on and laughed saying “Um, this isn’t going to happen”.
That’s IT! Never again will I ask anything.
Post # 3
I’m sorry about them not caring! I was the first one to get married and none of my friends cared about the details because they didn’t understand it. I’m sorry they didn’t respond about the veil and were rude about the dress color though.
Post # 4
I’m the first to get married in our group too Miss AsB, and I think that’s a big part of it. I’m sure when they get married it’ll be all we talk about….
Post # 5
MissAsB has a good point, a lot of BMs don’t have much or any experience with weddings and all the thought and planning that goes into it. At least they responded to the rest of the email, there are a lot of posts on the boards about MIA BMs. That’s super frustrating though! Keep going with all of your choices, and in the end you’ll have what you want and your BMs will wish they could take credit for something 🙂
Post # 6
I’m sorry, that’s really rude. Could it be jealousy?
I’m having similar issues with my sister- I tell her nothing, then I cave because I am so excited (naturally), and she’s either really negative or ignores me all together.
Some people are just miserable. It has nothing to do with you, or your wedding- they are just miserable. Show us your veil options! I know I’d love to see them!
Post # 7
Yes, it definitely has to do with you being the first to get married. The only friends that show interest in my wedding are already married. The rest (including all of the BMs coincidentally) couldn’t care less. I would post pictures of the veils to the hive- we usually have some good responses here. 🙂
Post # 8
I’m sorry they didn’t respond. Post the question here, we care!
I think if you are the first to get married, then maybe they really just don’t have an opinion yet. I know I didn’t have any veil opinions until I started thinking about wearing one myself.
Post # 9
Oh hun! You sound JUST LIKE ME last year. I mean.exactly like me so I hope I can help with what i have learned now that I am 10months past my wedding day.
I want you to know that this is normal…..both what you are feeling and how your Bridesmaid or Best Man are acting. When we look online we see people who have lots of friends and family. Or people who have so much help by really involved BMs. So when you are not having the same experience, you can feel really let down and have a pity party. It’s a really odd mix of emotions. Wanting to do it and knowing you can but also feeling sad that people are not asking about things or seeming interested in every detail. I want you to know that I did not get ANY HELP from any Bridesmaid or Best Man. I made everything myself, on my own. I had no “craft” parties or times where friends just offered to help. This did not happen.
So first….don’t feel bad like your friends are sucky or you are the only one who doesn’t have people helping. It is really normal AND you are right that when we take control over everything we kinda help to set the tone.
I did the exact same thing as you. I did everything myself but then also felt really let down that others were not involved. Now that I am out of the wedding zone I have a more clear head. I realize that 1st of all people think we want to do it ourselves and that we can. If we start out doing it alone, they assume that we will say something if we need help. Even when we cry and say we are overwhelmed and stress, they think that we will SAY SOMETHING is we need help. If you want them to do something, you need to tell them. If you need more support, you need to tell them. I have learned SO MANY TIMES when we often misjudge what people are really thinking and when we sit down and talk, we are so happy that we did. So talk to your friends. Tell them how you are feeling. Often people will surprise us with how much they love and support us. But you have to allow people to support you by giving them an opening. Asking for help or just talking to them about how you feel is how you make that “opening”.
Next I have learned that it really is true that NO ONE understands but you. Life goes on for EVERYONE ELSE BUT YOU. You are in the wedding zone. It’s all about weddings but everyone else is having normal life and no matter how much they love you, they can never make your wedding the most imporant thing in their life. Our best freinds are geting married and I am so excited but now that I am on the other side, I “get it”. It’s true. I don’t think about her wedding all day every day. I am caught up in what is happening in my OWN life. 🙂
It feels like you are alone and no one understands, and actually it is kinda true. BUT now that its over I realized that they couldn’t totally understand but they did not let me down. They loved me. They just had the rest of their lives going on and I was the one who was going thru a weird phase. WE are the ones who are having a year of hyper focus on all things wedding. These people love you….they just have the rest of their lives. I took it SOOO hard. I felt so alone and that people didn’t really love me. Now that it is all over I see that I was totally wrong. Not everyone will react to a wedding the way that WE want ut that is not a reflection of their love or support of us.
My biggest advice is you realize that you did things yourself and people maybe assume you want it that way. And to remember that people can’t read our minds so sometimes we have to be really clear. Sit down…talk to your friends..have a cry, have a hug…and I bet you will feel a whole lot better. (((HUGS))))
Post # 10
i definitely concur with you that a lot of it has to do with the fact that you’re the first.
second, ASK US, we’ll be your opinions… and if you don’t like it, you don’t have to deal with drama from us! 😛 (oh the joys of internet)
i don’t think it’s selfish of you to plan this on your own, if you can do it – all the power to you.
in defense of BM’s who don’t reply (IMO e-mails take two minutes, but alas…)… i started an e-mail chain with my BM’s and they don’t respond to every e-mail. and i mean i’ve sent weekly ones since we got engaged back in august 09 and have received 3 to 4 replies from each Bridesmaid or Best Man (if at all). when i speak to them thru phone or in person, they let me know that they got my email and catch me up on everything i asked/told them bout via email.
not everyone’s an email person, i guess?
Post # 11
Your bridesmaids must be my bridesmaids! I totally know how you feel. I am not the first to get married in my group, the first just got married a month ago, but had a Destination Wedding wedding in Jamaica and was completely hands off. I stopped asking anyone besides my Fiance for his opinion about 10 months ago. I didn’t even want people’s time, just their honest opinions. Anytime I would ask my Maid/Matron of Honor questions last summer about stuff, she would harp because I hadn’t decided on colors yet. It got annoying, I stopped asking.
People always offer to help, but it always comes off a bit hollow. I find it easier to just do things myself, then they are done the way I want them done.
Post # 12
I’m sorry they kind of suck…. just go with your gut instinct which was to not include them in the decision making anyway.
Just for the record though, I am single, not engaged and not in a relationship, and when my best friend got married last year I was so excited and happy for her. She was the first to get married and we were all like PSYCHED to go to the bridal salon with her, etc. Just because your bridesmaids are single/not married doesn’t mean that they are jealous and therefore uninvolved. It is possible to be young and single and still support your friends in their wedding!
Post # 13
Aww I’m sorry VM. I think part of it is like what others have said they haven’t really been a part of weddings before. Because of that, they are probably taking your lead on their role. Since you haven’t asked for much, they probably didn’t take the question very seriously.
I think if you do send out an email, try to make it a very clear one question email and be very clear that you would like them to respond. Aka, instead of asking what do you think of this veil (they probably have no clue/opinion) ask a more specific question like do you like the one with beading, lace or plain edge veil?
Best of luck!
Post # 14
OMG, I feel your pain! I’ve written about my flakey bridesmaids on WB, and how let down I feel. And my wedding is 5 DAYS away!
I’m actually one of the last in my close group of friends (there is just one other girl who is engaged but will marry in 2012) to get married. My explanation is that most everyone has gotten married already and playing Bridesmaid or Best Man is a “been there done that” sort of thing for my BMs.
I, too, have done practically ALL the planning by myself… you’re right, it’s just easier (especially since my BMs are spread all over the country). I haven’t even had help of my mom or Future Mother-In-Law. I don’t know how to console you, but I hope that other people going through a similar situation is some consolation in itself.
@Miss Britt: I totally agree that when people offer to help, it seems kind of “hollow”, so my generic answer is “no it’s okay, I’m good for now, but thank you!”