Post # 1
I want to marry my fiance. The probelm is I’ve been having “what if” thoughts lately, and have been getting increasingly annoyed with some of the things he does…like hanging with his friends a lot, and putting sports above all else. Although he’s doing better with the thngs I’ve asked him to work on (helping around the house, etc.) I always seem to find something else to get on him about. In my defense he has a lot of areas he could work on, but in his defense I am somewhat of a controlling perfectionist.
I have been kicking up the wedding planning lately because we’re having a DW in DR next year, so we need to do things like get engagement photos taken and send out STDs. I’ve also been arranging for pre-marital counseling.
But after a few things he did to “annoy” me this weekend, I think I want us to take a break. I think we need some space from each other so we can realize where we’re taking each other for granted, and also work on ourselves.
Anybody been through this? Did it work?
Post # 3
@Reign14: The last break I took with a serious boyfriend ended up turning into a Friends episode. He slept with some chick he had been friends with for awhile, I flipped shit, he declared “But we were on a break!” and I ended things.
Post # 4
I think it’s a good idea. Even if it turns out not to be just a break and the relationship ends, you’ll be in a better place than if you marry him and regret it. Sigh! Good luck to you!!
Post # 5
I imagine none of his irritating habits are recent developments, but preparing to tie yourself to him permanently has magnified his flaws. Every petty annoyance carries the weight of forever now, and that seems to have you a bit thrown.
While I definitely agree that you have a serious decision to make before moving forward with the wedding, I’ve never been a supporter of “taking space”. You’re either in or out, in my opinion. I can’t help but think that taking time outs in a relationship only makes it easier to call it quits later.
What bends will eventually break, and all that.
Post # 6
I have never known anyone who took a “break” and then got married and had their relationship work.
I have known people who called it quits… then a few years later met back up and re-kindled their relationship and are now married.
Thing is …. a *break* is trying to have your cake and eat it too. It’s very selfish and it’s not fair to either of you. You want to be away from him because he annoys you, but you aren’t breaking up with him so he can do whatever he wants while you are on a “break” (I assume…. if you are ok with him seeing other women, then I stand corrected). You’re keeping him on a string.
You either know….. or you don’t know. You either want to get past it…. or you don’t.
You live with him (?????) and are planning a wedding and you are going to spring on him that you want a “break” to figure out if you want to marry him? Maybe your FI will be OK to move out of his house and just wait on you to decide if you are committed enough to marry him…. but not many would. Just something to think about.
I would say if you are having all these feelings…. it means you are having second thoughts. So, I wouldn’t marry him.
Post # 7
@Reign14: Having doubts before a major decision like marriage is normal. If you’re unsure about whether marriage is the right decision, I think you should take the break especially before major steps in the wedding take place.
Post # 8
We took a break. Or rather, I kicked him out until he got his shit together. It worked.
Post # 9
@3xaCharm: i do not agree. And I certainly don’t think it’s selfish. I would think it was even smarter to take a breather to decide if she is in it for the long haul then going forward or make a hasty decision and regret it.
Post # 10
He was having a really hard time understanding where I was coming from last year during stressful times and I tried everything I could to get him to understand, I even took him to a therapy session. He had a great childhood and has amazing parents and I come from a very abusive background. He just didn’t know how to relate to me during this stressful time and was making things worse… we didn’t take a break, but I had to travel abroad for grad school for a month and a week or so into me being away he sent me an e-mail telling me about the realization he had. He finally GOT IT and it wasn’t just words, because ever since I got back he has been amazing and understanding and absolutely wonderful! I would do everything in your power to help him understand how you feel and then give him room to think about it. I wish you the best of luck!
oh, and we weren’t engaged when this was happening, he proposed 8 months later.
Post # 11
I don’t think that you should have a relationship break, but can you somehow spend some time apart? (but still engaged etc). Can someone stay at their parents house or a friends house? Are you just in each other’s hair all the time and need some personal space?
Post # 12
Marriage doesn’t change the relationship but it can amplify existing flaws (and joys). Everyone gets annoyed with an SO. Relationships are often difficult and frustrating, but that’s why you carefully consider all parts of a person before you commit to marrying. Once you make that commitment, it’s got to be all in. You either fight it out, talk it out or whatever you have to do to make it work, but taking a break rarely is an answer. Sometimes people do fall out of love with each other and won’t admit that to themselves, and one way that can manifest itself is in everything about the other person makes you crazy and you seem to fight about everything.
I’d suggest focusing on the counseling before the wedding plans. Those will only add more stress to a situation that needs to be resolved before you can decide if a marriage is what you really want.
Post # 13
My ex FI wanted to take a break in November and she eventually broke up with me in December. I was willing to work on the relationship but she didn’t want anything to do with it or with me. She just wanted to go out and drink and have fun.
For your sake I hope it brings you closer together and you are able to work things out. I don’t want you or anyone to go through the pain and heart ache that I’m experienceing right now.If its meant to be then its meant be, I hope everything works out!!
Post # 14
I am concerned that you are marrying someone with whom you think “has a lot of areas to improve in”, particularly where you think you are the one who should be pushing that improvement. He deserves to be accepted as he is, you should be with someone who you accept. Trying to control another is never a good dynamic.
We all need our own space and autonomy to be well rounded individuals. That benefits our partnerships as well. However, in a healthy relationship, this happens without breaks. A break does not improve connection, or erase the things that annoy you about someone else, or heal wounds. It may help you “forget” them but given time they will be right back again.
I am not a “break taking” person, but I would be even more so worried about feeling a need for a break for a person I was planning to marry. If you take breaks to deal with issues…well, where is the commitment? Why would marriage be a good idea? I wonder if you two are not incompatible, or your annoyances are a manifestation of something else.
I do know people who have taken breaks, some who got back together later, but to be quite honest none have worked out. They either stayed “broken”, ended up with the same issues as before, or broke off again a while later.
All that being said, if you feel this way, and you feel you need a break, I think you should take one. Be prepared that it may mean it is over (which may in the end be a “good” thing) but it is better to do that, than not take one at all and push through a wedding while you feel this way.
I would encourage you to perhaps consider talking to a counselor on your own. They can do a sort of “individual pre-marital session” and maybe you can explore your feelings a bit more.
Post # 15
I’m a firm believer in looking at your partner and thinking “if you never ever change your ways, will I be happy with you for the rest of my life?” and if the answer is ‘no’ then I don’t think marriage is the right path…
You need to accept your partner for who they are – not the person you want them to become when they ‘improve’.
Post # 16
@WillyNilly I absolutely don’t think she should stay with him and marry him if she is not 100% sure… that’s not what I said.
There are plenty of posts on here where the reverse happens…. The guys gets cold feet or has doubts or wants his FI to change things about her. In most cases, if he said he wanted to “spend some time apart” to make sure he wanted to marry her because there were things about her he wanted her to improve…. most girls would flip their sh*t. That’s all I’m saying. They would be given the advice that he should accept her for who she is and all that.
Most of the time if you look at someone to whom you are currently engaged and actively planning a wedding and tell them you aren’t sure and you don’t like a lot of things about you…. that’s not something from which a relationship can recover.
So…. before she wrecks it, she needs to be SURE that she wants a break. Because even though SHE may want a break and may decide she DOES want to marry him….. HE may get his panties in a wad and not be “available” when she gets around to deciding she can accept what she perceives as his flaws. Very few people can come back from their partner telling them they want a break…. is my point.
OP – you can’t take a break and request that HE work on things…. even under the guise of you each working on yourselves…… He may not think there is anything wrong with him…. However, you might be able to sell that you want to take a break and work on YOU and how you react to things he does. Expecting someone to change is a recipe for an unhappy marriage.